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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DCs that I was hurt they didn't get me a christmas present?

192 replies

ConfidenceCrisis44 · 30/12/2019 08:55

They are 12 and 14. Historically their dad would help them pick gifts for me and vice versa. However we split up last year. I still took them out to get some nice stuff for him (seemed the grown up thing to do.) I got zilch from them. I am irritated at my ex, but can't help feeling that the DCs are of an age where they could have got off their bums themselves. AIBU?

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 31/12/2019 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Devora13 · 31/12/2019 19:03

Think I'd be inclined to do something like buy them one less present next year, then buy and wrap something for myself instead. Then open it up by front of them and say 'How lovely, a present for me, isn't that thoughtful of me.'

I have to say though, when I was growing up, presents were for children only, that was a family thing, maybe down to lack of disposable income. But used to get Mother's Day gifts.

Waveysnail · 31/12/2019 19:11

I think you can tell them your expectations. Like giving them say £10 each the week before yoir birthday and tell them you expect them to buy a gift for you. Same at Christmas

lisag1969 · 31/12/2019 20:46

I think it's him you should be upset with not them. If you are on speaking terms I'd message him and tell him you are upset. You think that until the children are older working ect. You should both buy each other's Christmas and Birthday as you did when you were together.
Just as you did for him for Christmas 🎄 x

Passenger42 · 31/12/2019 20:54

It’s your ex husband who has caused this problem not your children. You tried to do the right thing and paid for gifts that’s the kids picked out for him and he should have done the same. You will either get something next year as he will feel guilty or you knock the whole buying stuff for parents on the head. You maybe should have discussed and agreed presents from the kids prior to Christmas.

bmbonanza · 31/12/2019 21:00

I'd feel sad and hurt - and I would tell them. Anything however small would have been lovely, but at that age to get nothing is just selfish!

BackInTime · 31/12/2019 21:12

Unfair to them to make them feel bad, they are young and it's still a whole new situation for them to navigate post break up. Perhaps drop some pretty big hints or have a conversation about it before next birthday and Christmas so that they know what is expected and can plan for it.

Newenw · 31/12/2019 21:22

I don’t think there is any harm in letting them know you were hurt, as you had facilitated buying a present for their dad. However, this doesn’t make them selfish. It’s a learning curve for you all but if you don’t address it now, how can things improve? Help them compile a list of important dates and suggest they save up a bit of their pocket money each week.

Jack80 · 31/12/2019 21:22

I would mention this to your ex and tell you kids you will give them cash to get you and your ex presents for Birthdays and Christmases

poppycity · 31/12/2019 21:27

I agree with you @ConfidenceCrisis44. They are old enough to do far better. Especially the 14 year old who should have shown some leadership with younger sibling. I would absolutely share how it made you feel and it was less about the present and more than they weren't willing to put thought or fund something for you.

I'm sorry this happened, especially year one after a divorce. May next year be a bit brighter.

LoveBeingAMum555 · 31/12/2019 21:32

For a few years we gave our boys £15 each so they could buy gifts for each other and us. They loved spending it, rushing upstairs to wrap the present, watching us open their gifts on Xmas day. DS is now a poor uni student but I got a pair of tasteful New Look earrings and a Primark scarf this year which I was delighted with. If you are upset about it I would say something, I think it's nice to get something from your children even if it's only something very small.

MarvellousMonsters · 31/12/2019 21:32

Yes, my kids are 13 & 16 and have been dieting Christmas and birthday presents for me for the last 2-3 years, my eldest became frustrated with her dad (my ex) being so last minute and having to give me crappy gifts as a result, so she started doing the buying herself. I am hurt on your behalf that even though you helped them get a gift for your dad, he didn’t he’ll them get you anything, and they didn’t even think of it, or (presumably) apologise for not getting you anything.

Also, I’m appalled at the casual sexism and apologist on this thread: “boys need a nudge” “Teenage boys won’t think of this unless prompted” etc. Boys?? Really? Because they have a penis they don’t have functioning brains or the ability to think? Bullshit. (Also, did I miss the hit where OP said they are boys? I’m sure they are referred to as DC, no indication of sex) If your 12 & 14 yr old don’t realise they need to get you some kind of gift for Christmas, they need a serious talking to, as does your ex, he should’ve prompted and helped them do it.

MarvellousMonsters · 31/12/2019 21:33

Dieting?? Sorting. Sorting!!!

MarvellousMonsters · 31/12/2019 21:33

Also, their dad, not your dad. Sorry. Clearly I have sausage fingers tonight

GlummyMcGlummerson · 31/12/2019 21:36

That would break my heart too OP. You think it would have occurred to them when they wrapped their dad's present!

hadenoughofthisall · 31/12/2019 21:37

I think the worst part is that you took them out to buy their father a present. Even being the most dense, mumsnet boys around, that is quite a big hint that perhaps they should get you something as well.
Can't stand the casual 'boys are useless, haha' sentiment on here, there's no excuse for thoughtlessness.

salty78 · 31/12/2019 21:51

My DD16 went out with her friends a few days before Christmas intending to buy us something and I told her to have fun and spend her money on her lunch out and the city centre ice rink with her mates instead as she doesn't do it very often. I'm really not arsed about presents.

Blah1881 · 31/12/2019 22:29

I think it’s pretty childish to expect a present from anyone and get huffy and sad if you don’t get one. I absolutely do not expect and do not want gifts from my girls aged 4, 9 and 13. I do want and expect them to be kind, loving and thankful for what they have. In fact I don’t want presents from anyone I love- I’d rather have their time and company. Who the hell over the age of 18 wants more and more tat?

Janus · 31/12/2019 23:52

Blah, i don’t agree. My bloody 8 year old got something from school naff secret Santa (that I funded!) and my other 3 got their own bits and bobs from their own money. It’s not that it may be bits of tat, it’s that they thought of me, it was all much appreciated, even if it cost £2, just because they thought of me. I’d be upset too if I didn’t get anything OP.

GiftedFish · 01/01/2020 00:30

Aww. I'd be a disappointed too. I remember I first got presents for other people with my own pocket money when I was about 11/12. Maybe even younger.
I have a twin brother and I remember the first xmas present I ever gave him was an empty tube of cheddar filled with his favourite penny sweets. Lol. Mum and dad I gave some awful £1 ornaments too.

Newenw · 01/01/2020 00:30

Whether or not other posters expect presents from their children is irrelevant in my opinion. Just as we have our own systems in place for Santa, we have our own gifting systems within our families. The OP’s family had always done presents prior to the split so that is their normal, so the children need to be reminded of that.

BrokenWing · 01/01/2020 01:00

Whether or not other posters expect presents from their children is irrelevant in my opinion.

Of course it's relevant. It is the question the op is asking 🤦🏻‍♀️. Is she unreasonable expecting 12 and 14 year old children to organise gifts for her independently? If only posters who expect gifts from their children respond it is a bit of a waste of time, I would hope she asked to get a range of opinions to consider rather that just agreement.

saraclara · 01/01/2020 02:35

I don’t want presents from anyone I love- I’d rather have their time and company.

It's not an either/or situation @Blah1881
Most people's family members are able to give their time and company as well as thoughtful gifts.

Merryweather80 · 01/01/2020 08:18

By 7/8 i was getting my own gifts for my mom with saved up pocket money. Sometimes my gran helped me as there was no internet then. My mom was a single parent by the time I was 7. When my brother was a bit older (5 yr younger) I took him too.
I think maybe a little reminded and maybe help from other family members to take or help choose, but definitely yes I think they should get a gift for you, even something small like a book, or nice chocolate.
Could you write a list for them to choose from for birthday, mothers day, Christmas?

Lincolnfield · 01/01/2020 10:39

Sad but so typical of the entitled generation we have now. I collected three of my grandkids just before Christmas to take them to the cinema. It was two of the three’s birthdays so I’d already told them it was a birthday treat and, of course, couldn’t and wouldn’t leave out the one who wasn’t having a birthday.

The first words out of my grandson’s mouth when he saw me weren’t ‘Hi Nannan’ or ‘Nice to see you Nannan’ BUT ‘Have you brought me a present?’

Their parents are divorced and both in new relationships. Their father, our son, is totally loved up with his new partner and finds it easier to throw money at his kids instead of giving them time and attention and, his ex wife is well meaning but spends an absolute fortune on the kids. For example, for Christmas, the eldest, 14, was given the latest iPhone which cost nearly £1000, the other girl, 11 has new UGG boots and an iPad and my grandson who is 7 was given a new X Box and TV for his bedroom.

Did they buy anything for anyone? Their parents or us? Of course not! It was all about what everyone had bought for them.