To tell my DCs that I was hurt they didn't get me a christmas present?

[ConfidenceCrisis44]

They are 12 and 14. Historically their dad would help them pick gifts for me and vice versa. However we split up last year. I still took them out to get some nice stuff for him (seemed the grown up thing to do.) I got zilch from them. I am irritated at my ex, but can't help feeling that the DCs are of an age where they could have got off their bums themselves. AIBU?

You are not being AIBU. They are selfish, lazy and uncaring.

What fragglesrock said would be perfect. I do think you should mention it. My 7 year old was asking when we could go shopping so she could buy presents.

I didn't buy my parents gifts until I was earning my own money and I bought them gifts out of my first pay packet age 19. I still remember buying them in 1988, engraved crystal whisky tumblers and a chiming wallclock. They didn't expect them and i was so pleased being able to surprise them.

They waited until I gave naturally, they never guilt tripped or made me buy contrived presents. Who wants a gift from their children that hadn't been thought of and given independently? Surely it take the shine off that real first gift?

You bring your children up to be thoughtful, kind and generous, by modelling that behaviour, by giving without expectation or entitlement to receive, and that first real gift is your reward and shows you did it right.

I had a similar issue this year op. My dds are 11 and 13. My 13 yo bought me loads of lovely thoughtful gifts. The 11yo doesn't have the same money but bought me a few things whilst at her Dad's over boxing day.
My ds who is an older teenager and lives away from home came home for Christmas with no presents for anyone. I did challenge him and he said he didn't know what to buy. I hope he gets the message because I was a little hurt by the lack of thought.

So much emphasis placed on gifts. It's quite sad really. We don't have much money so maybe it's different. We can't buy everyone presents ourselves and rarely buy each other anything, just the children. We have everything we need so don't see it as a major importance as long as everyone has a great meal and a happy time. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Don’t make an issue out of it now but start letting them know that they should be thinking about buying others gifts on special occasions.
Sit down together and write them all up on a calendar or put reminders in their phones so they can remember to buy cards and gifts.
Include Mother’s and Father’s Day, your birthday, their dad and other relatives and each other’s birthdays.
Let them know that they should be using their money and buy a card and small gift.
Then remind them at Christmas too.

'You know we went shopping and you bought a nice gift for your dad? Well I am actually a bit hurt that you didn't think to get one for me.'

I think that's a reasonable thing to say. It's important that kids recognise that their parents have feelings too.

I love the sound of love language that Isadora mentioned. Bottom line kids need to learn from parents about reciprocation if it doesn’t come naturally to them by a young age. Would cut yours some slack for this Xmas as it sounds like the first since you and your ex split. But spell it out to them ahead of an occasion so they understand there is an expectation that thoughtful behaviour goes both ways in a family and now the dynamic has changed in your family they will need to think for themselves if their dad isn’t stepping up. Unless you have a birthday coming up, suspect next occasion when you might be expecting a gesture is Mother’s Day. A few days before hand, without making it a big deal or putting pressure on them, let them know your expectation. Would you prefer a gesture of goodwill or a token of some kind (both!), whatever it is, let them know (can say it light hearted) but either way I think it helps them to know what you’d like rather than having to try and guess and get it wrong. Set the precedent for next year and for other occasions.

If you’d like breakfast in bed then make that clear, not in a demanding way but in a ”that would be lovely” way and shop with them to get what’s needed (ready made pancakes which they can heat up with some maple syrup and fresh fruit is easy to do) would also tell them they don’t need to go crazy with gifts and a small gesture will be just fine!! And work out what you want to do with them that day, maybe see a movie together but something that allows you to spend time together and is enjoyable for them as well so they look forward to it as a day that’s special for all of you.

The point is that if the behaviour isn’t coming naturally then walk them through it without any drama or making them feel bad because that’s how they will learn to do things themselves and you’ll be training them to be great future partners too. When my kids were young I took them to a shopping mall and gave them a bit of cash each and sat in a coffee shop whilst they went off and bought Mother’s Day gifts for me that they chose themselves. I was so touched by what they ended up choosing as they really thought about what I would like and they loved the experience of shopping by themselves. We were somewhere, known to us, safe and enclosed. My DH is good at stepping in and doing stuff on their behalf but I’ve always wanted to encourage my children to go through the experience of thinking and doing for themselves.

Do they have access to some shops or are they dependent on an adult to drive them?

Don’t ruin their Christmas by guilt tripping them.

If a gift means that much to you then next year out a date in the calendar and send them into town with some money to buy gifts.

I know people say gifts shouldn’t matter, and to me they don’t generally buy I was so touched when ds1 bought me a pack of 3 Ferrero Rochers for my birthday this year. He bought it on his way home from school with no prompt from anyone and it meant so much.
So I take it back and feel that heartfelt gifts do mean something.

I would just say next year, well in advance, that they are both old enough to be buying presents without parental help. And make it clear that they are expected to buy presents for both their parents, and maybe grandparents and others too.

I agree it is nothing to do with being boys. My 14 ordered a lovely gift for me online without any input from my DH. The 12 and 10 year old asked to go shopping to get presents for close family and each other.

I would defiantly say something about how hurt you are.

Wonder if there was a convo between them and their father along the lines of -
Kids: “Dad, when are we going to buy presents for mum”.
Dad: “We aren’t going to. You know your mum and I have split up, why would I get involved with presents for her”.
Kids look at each other awkwardly and convo dropped. Presumption is we are not to get mum a present due to the divorce. It’s not like they can talk to either if you about it as you are the potential recipients! Difficult for them so keep in mind it could have been your ex shutting it all down rather than a lack of interest from them.

The same dilemma for your and ex will happen at Father’s Day and Mother’s Day.

Either talk to your ex about how he wants to handle it in future.
Or tell him how you are going to handle it so he can parent in the same way if he chooses to.
Or skip him and tell the kids how you want to do this.

Looks like a reminder is the way to go.

Perhaps giving them money and hinting at what you want which happens to be available in a local shop!

I liked the idea of going for coffee with them and letting them bugger off and buy something local for an hour and meet you back at the shop later for a lift home or they can get the bus home themselves alone.

Whether or not you give them money to buy things for you is up to you.

It could be that you speak to your ex and agree you’ll take them shopping (or he can) if he gives them a tenner for a Christmas present/Mothers day present for you then you will give them a tenner for a Christmas/Fathers day present for him arrangement.

I’ve never had a xmas pressie from my child and wouldn’t expect one. They don’t earn any money, how could they buy anything?

I didn't expect Christmas presents from my children, and nor did my parents before me.
In fact, I had asked them not to spend their money on me (which they ignored, which was rather lovely! ).
In my view, Christmas is all about the kids. So if they're kind and helpful most of the time, I'd let this one slide ... especially in light of the difficult time they'll have had.

I’ve never had a xmas pressie from my child and wouldn’t expect one. They don’t earn any money, how could they buy anything?

Because their father gives them lots of pocket money?

OP - who paid for the gift for their father?

My ex stopped facilitating present buying as soon as our eldest reached the age of 12. I have no siblings and both my parents have passed so there is no one to support them in buying me presents. So I just give them the money to do it. I also stopped facilitating buying presents for the ex, other than to give them some money. I used to pick stuff up for him that I thought he would like but not anymore. They buy all sorts of weird and wonderful stuff! He complains to them about their gifts and believe me, the irony of his complaints when he gives them no money or support to buy me gifts is not lost on them. We reap what we sow.

Don't tell them you're hurt, it's such a negative emotion and the memory of that negativity won't inspire future action, it will inspire running away from your negativity.

Do tell them you noticed they didn't buy you a present this year and that this is a little moment in their growing up, where the right thing to do is to start to take responsibility for themselves and, start to take part in making the magic that is Christmas, by choosing and buying some gifts themselves. Present it as a magical and exciting opportunity for next year.

Boys always tend to need a nudge in this direction

Two girls and Boy here. None got me a gift.

Not read the thread

However I see their parents divorced this year. They will have gone through a heck of a lot, no matter how hard you tried.

And you’re upset about this?

I still can't help thinking they are old enough

Yes, at 12 and 14 they definitely are. YANBU. Very sad, unkind, ungrateful and rude of them. They have the money and the means. They could have bought presents or made them. I'd be appalled and I would let them know it.

I think it depends on the kid.

When I always growing up, we never bought my parents presents and it wasn't expected.

My autistic 11 year old wouldn't even think to do it either. It would require alot of guidance and many reminders to even make a card.

However, my (possibly autistic) 9 year old boy, sneaked off at the school Christmas Fair this year and bought his Dad, myself and his sister some gifts. The boy gets £1.50 a week pocket money. I think he had some birthday money so probably had £10 on him. He then came home, found some wrapping paper, wrapped them and hid them under the tree. I didn't notice until Christmas Eve! He'd kept it quiet for 4 weeks!

He is that kind hearted, thoughtful kind of kid. He's always been like that.

If your children need prompts then I'd do a reminder next time. I wouldn't bother helping with the ex next year if he didn't with you this year. They are still kids and just need a little nudge. Hopefully, by the time they're 16 they won't need the prompt!

You rear them.
Up to you to teach them to be kind and thoughtful.