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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DCs that I was hurt they didn't get me a christmas present?

192 replies

ConfidenceCrisis44 · 30/12/2019 08:55

They are 12 and 14. Historically their dad would help them pick gifts for me and vice versa. However we split up last year. I still took them out to get some nice stuff for him (seemed the grown up thing to do.) I got zilch from them. I am irritated at my ex, but can't help feeling that the DCs are of an age where they could have got off their bums themselves. AIBU?

OP posts:
FredaFrogspawn · 30/12/2019 11:33

Children of single parents need a ‘how to treat mum/dad’ coach to support them to appreciate their carer if the non-resident parent doesn’t do it, or is deceased.

Someone who makes sure mum is valued and occasionally spoilt. (I’m going to use ‘mum’ as it is more often than not, mum.)

When dad isn’t there to model how to show appreciation, it’s hard for the average child to realise how much their mum does for them.

So if you are the sister, friend or parent of a single mum with a seatbelt ex, why not take her kids out before her birthday to help them choose presents, make sure you voice to them how lovely she is and how hard she works for them.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/12/2019 11:37

It depends how much initiative you have instilled in your DC. If they are used to having pretty much everything done for them, then they weren't being malicious or selfish, it literally didn't occur to them.
Probably time to start gently encouraging more independent thought, etc.
Also, do your DC have opportunities to go shopping without you? Would it be easy enough for them to get public transport to shops where gifts can be bought (or walk there) or do you live somewhere rural so that kids have to be driven everywhere?

FrivolousPancake · 30/12/2019 11:40

Reading some replies to this thread really explains why there’s so many thoughtless husbands and adult children going around.

Of course it’s important to teach them to give, the same way we teach our children compassion and an array of other things we’re responsible for as parents.

We can’t just raise them to expect to get get get then a light switch flicks in adulthood and they’ll suddenly have the wherewithal to go out and buy thoughtful gifts for others.

Jaxhog · 30/12/2019 11:41

I would. Ask them how they would feel if THEY were forgotten. Although I suspect you've made it easy for them by doing all the reminding for them up to now. Sit them down and tell them that from now on it's their responsibility to buy their own pressies for people, including parents, friends and each other.

TheTurnOfTheScrew · 30/12/2019 11:45

If they have pocket money then they can can at least get you a bar of your favourite chocolate. I think in the run up to Christmas next year I would be having a few not so subtle conversations about the joy of giving and asking them which present they are most looking forward to someone opening, as a reminder.

Pumpkinpie1 · 30/12/2019 11:47

Something like this needs to be taught
Children and adults aren’t mind readers
Speak to your Ex and reach some agreement that you will both encourage thoughtfulness

lottiegarbanzo · 30/12/2019 11:49

Just to amplify an earlier though, making them responsible for adult 'hurt', at a time when their parents have just divorced, would be a really stupid and cruel thing to do.

By all means encourage them to buy you a gift next year.

Do not seek to entangle them in your feelings of upset and hurt at a time when you've just separated from their Dad and most children are practically looking for ways to blame themselves for such an occurrence. They'll see it their failure to make their Dad do the right thing by you - and extrapolate that.

bridgetreilly · 30/12/2019 11:50

Just to amplify an earlier though, making them responsible for adult 'hurt', at a time when their parents have just divorced, would be a really stupid and cruel thing to do.

This. Don't say anything now. Do say something to make it different next year.

FredaFrogspawn · 30/12/2019 11:50

Seatbelt ex should have been deadbeat ex.

The glory of giving is a gift we shouldn’t deny children. It’s a way to improve their self esteem and self worth. Stuff doesn’t need to be expensive - home made and thoughtful works.

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 30/12/2019 11:55

My DC who aren't yet adults don't buy me anything, the ones who are do.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 30/12/2019 11:57

They are old enough to be told. My DD is 8 and since she’s been 4 she’s always wanted to get me something off her own bat (and her DF had to facilitate that). Or when at school she’d get something at the school fair.
So at their age they’re not too young think of you.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 30/12/2019 11:57

My eldest was 12 the first Christmas after I’d split from my ex, and I ‘helped’ him buy me a present, which he then wrapped and gave me. After that we had a conversation about birthdays and Christmas, and how from now on we’d all buy for each other. I made sure they had pocket money or gave them chores to earn it in the run up, and they each bought or made a small gift for each other and for me. It became part of making new traditions just us. That ds is now 17, works part time and earns his own money. He says he genuinely enjoys choosing and giving gifts.
So YANBU to be disappointed, but it’s worth having a proper conversation with them about it.

MsJuniper · 30/12/2019 12:01

Telling your children you are hurt is probably not the way to go if they are dealing with the emotional fallout of your split. Why not just say, I realise you may not have had the opportunity to get me a gift this year - next year/for my birthday we'll make sure to arrange a shopping trip together or I'll drop you at the local shopping centre. Please don't spend more than £xx!

Lippy1234 · 30/12/2019 12:01

From quite a young age I’d take my DC to the pound shop to buy my DH (their Dad) and each other a present and suggest if they need to buy anyone else (me) a present this would be a good opportunity to buy something. This worked well and then my DC started to buy my DH and myself something from the school fair and places like that. They’re all adults now and have really got the whole gift buying thing. I’m proud of them, it’s a good skill to have.

SunshineAngel · 30/12/2019 12:08

I haven't read through the full thread, but I would just like to say that the first Christmas after a split can be difficult for everyone. When my parents split I was 24, and I just didn't want Christmas to happen, because I knew everything was going to be awkward and unfriendly. I DID still get presents, but obviously at 24 I was used to doing so.

You say their father would previously have sorted presents for you. Perhaps it just didn't cross their minds, because they had other things to think about. Splits affect older kids too, and Christmases become difficult, and they may not have felt very festive, or been on the ball enough to really think about what needed to be done. I know I, even at a decade older, was simply going through the motions.

Next year, speaking to your ex (if possible) and agree that they buy their own gifts for both of you, but to gently remind them and make sure they have done so. Perhaps give them a bit of money too. It doesn't have to be loads. It's the thought that counts. Hopefully they will then get into the routine of buying, and all will be well.

You can never just "assume" that kids will know how to react to change.

KC225 · 30/12/2019 12:11

I have twins and from the age of 8 I would give them 15 quid each, they had to spend a fiver each on a present for the sibling, DH and I. I told them to think about what the person likes, what they would want or think funny. For the first two years we did a mass shop in TIGER. It wasn't just about 'getting presents'. I wanted them to experience the fun in 'giving' and thinking of others. They loved it and it's become one of their favourite Christmas traditions. At 12 - we have ventured out if TIGER, I still give them the 15 quid but they are adding their own money (their choice).

If you facilitated getting your ex gifts from them to him - I am surprised at 14 it didn't occur to your DD to do the same for you. I would have been hurt by that. I am sure you would have appreciated something homemade.

Others have made good suggestions, don't guilt them, make it jokey. Put some plan into action - they need a gentle nudge in the right direction and it seems to can't rely on your ex to do it.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 30/12/2019 12:11

Boys always tend to need a nudge in this direction

Yes, because it is a well known fact that ovaries help you think to buy gifts 🙄

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 30/12/2019 12:14

I think you drop it for this year but remember to facilitate it next year. Something like "Would you like me to take you into town so you can buy family gifts...?"

I had a few years with no gifts when they were smaller but they all caught on. Even if they were purchased from Sainsbury's on the way home from school 😂

katewhinesalot · 30/12/2019 12:15

I'd make it very clear I was upset, not because of the presents but because of the lack of thought.
They aren't too young to understand their actions, or lack of, impact on other people.
Don't go gentle on them.

Devereux1 · 30/12/2019 12:22

Posters are saying go gently on them because it's the first year after their parents split...

Er, isn't that a reason for them to be even more thoughtful to the OP? Their mother has split from her husband. I'd have bent over backwards as a child to show my parents how much I appreciated what they did, and that I cared about them, and if that meant blowing all my pocket money or making gifts if I was stoney broke, I would have done.

midnightmisssuki · 30/12/2019 12:25

Well if you’ve been doing it with them every year then how would they know how to do it themselves?

JaceLancs · 30/12/2019 12:25

I became a lone parent when DC were 4 and 5
My DM has many faults but took my DC Xmas shopping every year plus birthday and Mother’s Day to choose me a small gift and card
As they grew up they saved up pocket money to contribute
From being teens they took themselves shopping and bought me lovely small gifts
Now they are 26 and 28 and spoil me rotten
DM is in her 80s with Alzheimer’s and recently widowed - this year DD took her Gran Xmas shopping instead

AlexaAmbidextra · 30/12/2019 12:33

People have such low expectations of their children. No wonder there are so many entitled selfish kids around. 12 and 14 is more than old enough to have a bit of thought for others and to take responsibility for buying their parent a gift. I remember saving my pocket money when I was eight or nine and excitedly going to the local shop to choose presents for my parents and grandparents. I also remember the pleasure I felt as they unwrapped them. Children need to be taught that it’s good to give as well as to receive.

spongedog · 30/12/2019 12:39

Single parent here too. My DC is 14 but with SEN so doesnt have the same independent life as many of their peer group. They get a small allowance each month but very limited access to shops. But they still researched into what they wanted to buy me - from Amazon - asked me to order it but paid it for from their funds. They wrapped it. So yes not a surprise but I received something. This year I had chosen something for them to give their dad, but often they will have their own ideas. So it can be done and encouraged.

Ricekrispie22 · 30/12/2019 12:52

What’s their pocket money for if it’s not for circumstances like buying Christmas presents at Christmas?

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