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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset with MIL?

279 replies

AforEffort9 · 29/12/2019 10:38

I'm getting married this year. I'm from a family of 4 sisters (so have 3 aunts plus my mum, and associated cousins) and we are very close. DPs family are from a small town, all live very local to each other.
I've planned a little get together at my house (2-8 hours away for my family who will make the effort to come for it, 1.5 hours for DPs family) as a hen party as I know DPs family won't want to come on a boozy hen do and I'd like the families to meet prior to the wedding. There will be afternoon tea and some civilised games suitable for nans- mainly just to get people chatting. We've been together for 6 years and our parents only met each other this year.

DP and his brother sat his parents down this year and told them they were worried about how increasingly insular and isolated they are becoming. MIL has given up driving (no health concerns, still active and well 69 year old), relies on FIL to drive her everywhere, doesn't go out and socialise at all unless with FIL. Her boys politely said they were worried what will happen if one of them dies and the other one is left so isolated.

I let MIL know last night about the meet up and she said she wouldn't come. DP and SIL say I should drip feed encouragement- but with a wedding to plan, a house renovation, working long exhausting thankless hours as a junior doctor, I just don't want to take this on too.

AIBU to be offended that she can't even make an effort for this when I have gone out of my way to plan an event to accommodate her?

OP posts:
SunsetYorks · 29/12/2019 10:45

She is 69! Maybe not up for driving anymore. The event is your idea of what she would like, perhaps not hers. My mum & gran would hate the games with relative strangers as would I!

Original poster
AforEffort9 · 29/12/2019 10:45

To add- they go on cruises and holidays abroad multiple times a year so it's not like they can't do things out of their comfort zone!

OP posts:
NoMorePoliticsPlease · 29/12/2019 10:46

You have no idea what is going on in this lady's life and mind. As a 69 year old I can empathise to a degree although I would hate to be dependent on another driver. Social occasions can be a nightmare. You and your partner should arrange a very low key meeting of only the parents, including the men ( although I have just seen they have met once) You are suggesting taking her out of her comfort zone. i can understand her sons concern should her husband dies but this really is onlyy her business. You cannot force people. neither can you look at life through her eyes. Weddings can be a nightmare with all the now essential add ons. Leave the poor woman alone, this is not all about you. The wedding might be a mighty hurrah but it is the marriage that counts so be kind and thoughtful

SunsetYorks · 29/12/2019 10:46

Those are their choices though, not things out their comfort zone.

Clangus00 · 29/12/2019 10:47

It’s her choice not to come, you can’t force her.
I would leave it at that. She’ll be the one missing out.
Will she come to your wedding?

Alsohuman · 29/12/2019 10:50

It sounds dreadful, I wouldn’t want to go either. She’s said no, just respect her decision.

Original poster
AforEffort9 · 29/12/2019 10:53

Leave the poor woman alone, this is not all about you
It's about joining 2 families together, no?

It's a very small wedding with 10 guests (siblings and parents) with a small party to follow for family. I picked a dress in the first shop I went to, picked the first party venue,band and caterer I found, I have no bridesmaids, people can wear what they want and have been told its up to them if they come or not. Im really not being a wedding bridezilla.

OP posts:
Original poster
AforEffort9 · 29/12/2019 10:53

Thanks Alsohuman.

OP posts:
TulipsTwoLips · 29/12/2019 10:55

I'd leave it. She can meet them at the wedding.

GreenTulips · 29/12/2019 10:56

Why didn’t your DP offer to pick her up and bring her? arrange a hotel or stay over?

I don’t think it’s your job to booster her to come. If she don’t want to she won’t.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 29/12/2019 10:57

Sorry my reply was a bit harsh. Your wedding sounds lovely but the pre party get together dreadful. No I am really sorry to tell you, hving 4 married children, it's not about bringing 2 families together, its about bringing you two together. You may find that the families have very little in common and barely see each other from the wedding on. You clearly are not a bridezilla, but are misunderstanding this lady

UterusesBeforeDuderuses · 29/12/2019 10:58

I wouldn't give it much more thought. You arranged an event and if she doesnt want to come that's on her not you, she's a grown woman, if she doesn't want to be included in family things like this that's up to her

SunsetYorks · 29/12/2019 10:58

Wedding sounds lovely but has no bearing on her not wanting to drive or come to an event that’s maybe not her cup of tea. I’m quite shy and Id not come as the forced games etc would make me ill with dread!

Namestranger · 29/12/2019 10:59

Tbf I'd have to be dragged to another hen do, they're bloody awful. And I'm 33.

Drum2018 · 29/12/2019 11:02

It's about joining 2 people together, not families. You are getting married to her son, not her entire family. Unfortunately she doesn't have to integrate at all if she doesn't want to. Have your hen party, don't bother trying to encourage her to come as that will only stress you out. She's declined your invite so just accept it. And accept that she may well do the same for future events.

Anoisagusaris · 29/12/2019 11:03

Get over yourself. A wedding is about joining 2 people together, not 2 families.

If she doesn’t want to go, she doesn’t want to go. You can be annoyed but don’t show it or make a big deal of it. You can’t force people to do things that you think they should do.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 29/12/2019 11:04

Yeah no I'm sorry OP but it's not about bringing two families together it's about you two getting married which is wonderful of course and congratulations but dont be one of those brides who insists on all the pre wedding hoopla that most people hate. The two families really dont need some bonding thing it's not the g8 summit.

Offer the invitation but if she says no just leave it , this is not about the isolation concern that's a completely different thing. I'm 40 and not remotely isolated and I'm sorry but I'd say no to even to family.

If shes coming to the wedding and making her effort there just leave the poor woman be (which includes comments about how sad it will be that shes not there, about how she would enjoy it.) I'm usually anti mil due to a psychotic one in my marriage but in this case be a good dil. Respect her wishes.

thickwoollytights · 29/12/2019 11:06

Im really not being a wedding bridezilla.**

Then it really won't matter if MIL comes along to the hen do or not, will it?

MakeItRain · 29/12/2019 11:07

I think many people would hate the thought of party games to get people speaking. I think the older most people get, the more assertive they get about being able to politely say "no thanks" to events they really don't want to go to, especially if it involves hours of travel. Try not to feel upset with her. Just because she goes on cruises with her husband doesn't mean she wants to spend an afternoon playing conversation games with strangers. For some people that's quite a horrifying thought.

kaldefotter · 29/12/2019 11:09

She can meet your family at the wedding, surely?

finn1020 · 29/12/2019 11:10

I think you should be respecting your MILs decision and not be “upset” like it’s a personal slight against you.

@NoMorePoliticsPlease is correct, the wedding isn’t about uniting two families it’s about you and your husband to be.

Don't try and control what other people around you are doing to fit some perceived ideal, if I was MIL I would not be interested in attending a hen do at all. People change over the years and the sort of things you’d do and be interested in participating in, in your 20s are quite different to what floats your boat 20 years, 40 years down the track.

Lollypop82 · 29/12/2019 11:12

As a family her sons have already registered concerns about her isolating herself. So it’s a bit disingenuous to be surprised that she doesn’t want to come. Of course you don’t have to drip feed encouragement, but you also do not have to carry a grudge either. Just let it be and enjoy the things you do have planned.

Thehop · 29/12/2019 11:13

You e enough on, I think you should respect her decision. I wouldn’t like this either and I’m far younger than her.

Just have the hen party you want and let them meet/talk at the wedding.

Oneborneverydecade · 29/12/2019 11:13

I think that both the hen party and wedding sound lovely. You're entitled to feel a little miffed that she doesn't want to come but there's not a lot you can do. It sounds like it might be an added stress making sure she's okay on the day anyway, so just enjoy it without her

Shelby2010 · 29/12/2019 11:16

As your question seems to be ‘Should I take on the role of managing my future MIL?’, then the answer is definitely No.

Whether your MIL wants to come or wants to be ‘persuaded’, I have no idea. But don’t take on that job!