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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset with MIL?

279 replies

AforEffort9 · 29/12/2019 10:38

I'm getting married this year. I'm from a family of 4 sisters (so have 3 aunts plus my mum, and associated cousins) and we are very close. DPs family are from a small town, all live very local to each other.
I've planned a little get together at my house (2-8 hours away for my family who will make the effort to come for it, 1.5 hours for DPs family) as a hen party as I know DPs family won't want to come on a boozy hen do and I'd like the families to meet prior to the wedding. There will be afternoon tea and some civilised games suitable for nans- mainly just to get people chatting. We've been together for 6 years and our parents only met each other this year.

DP and his brother sat his parents down this year and told them they were worried about how increasingly insular and isolated they are becoming. MIL has given up driving (no health concerns, still active and well 69 year old), relies on FIL to drive her everywhere, doesn't go out and socialise at all unless with FIL. Her boys politely said they were worried what will happen if one of them dies and the other one is left so isolated.

I let MIL know last night about the meet up and she said she wouldn't come. DP and SIL say I should drip feed encouragement- but with a wedding to plan, a house renovation, working long exhausting thankless hours as a junior doctor, I just don't want to take this on too.

AIBU to be offended that she can't even make an effort for this when I have gone out of my way to plan an event to accommodate her?

OP posts:
Tanith · 29/12/2019 12:40

You've put together an evening based on what you think she'd like when you say you hardly know her.
Have you made any effort to find out what your guests would like to do?
Games would have me refusing to go, too. They're grown women, not toddlers.

MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 29/12/2019 12:43

No. It's not the joining of two families. If she didn't like you does she get a veto?

It's two consenting adults deciding to enter into a legal contract. And have a bit of a party for it.

That party sounds like my idea of hell. I would politely bow out and I'm not yet 30.

She may very well go on cruises. They sound brilliant. She may very well be insulating herself. She must like where she lives.

Leave the poor woman to live her life.

sameasiteverwasantiques · 29/12/2019 12:43

I understand the effort you planned on going to OP, it was a nice idea. Unfortunately you can't make people come if they don't want to. It's your partners mother so let him deal with her.

Enjoy planing your wedding and everything else you have going on.

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2019 12:48

As a Nan, I'm quite capable of chatting without needing games to start me off.

Just sayin'...

KatherineJaneway · 29/12/2019 12:49

some civilised games suitable for nans

If I knew there would be 'games' I'd definitely not go and come up with a good excuse.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 29/12/2019 12:52

Cruises and holidays obviously are in their comfort zone. It's a shame she can't be bothered, now move on, as you have said, you are busy and have more important things to do.

HardofCleaning · 29/12/2019 12:55

It all sounds quite patronising to MiL and not taking into account that she's an individual with preferences of her own and her own idea of how "brought together" she wants the family to be. I imagine your partner and his brother's concerns about isolation may have come across more about concerns about their increasing responsibilities than a genuine desire to help.

LittleTinselTown · 29/12/2019 13:08

MIL may just not enjoy socialising and likes being fairly 'isolated'. It's a shame she won't come but she'll be at the actual wedding presumably? Other than weddings, when do in laws ever have anything to do with each other anyway. I'm sure she doesn't mean to offend you.

Limensoda · 29/12/2019 13:18

some civilised games suitable for nans

You do realise all Nans are different?
As a 'Nan' I don't need my entertainment censoring.

andannabegins · 29/12/2019 13:32

I think people are being quite harsh, I just think you have a lovely but sadly old fashioned view of marriage, it used to be about families joining and now people don't seem to be bothered. I think you were trying to do a lovely thing xx

BaileysMadeMeDoIt · 29/12/2019 13:49

One life lesson I have learned in my 50s, when it comes to interacting with others, is to "lower your expectations". It's brilliant, simple and stops me getting wound up about things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 29/12/2019 14:13

Did she say specifically why she didnt fancy the hen do?

Just wondering if its because its enforced fun eg games, 'hilarious' willy straws etc she might find those kinds of things hideous.

But given your wedding sounds nice and chilled maybe your hen is too so maybe you or your DP could find out what her issue is (eg may not fancy takeaway food but would be ok with fish and chips) and see if you can cater for her. If not then dont worry about her, you have asked and if she says no that's her issue

diddl · 29/12/2019 14:49

" you have asked and if she says no that's her issue"

It's not an issue for her though, is it?

Invitation received & declined!

Lizzie0869 · 29/12/2019 15:14

I understand why you feel disappointed, but it is how it is. It sounds like your MIL was never likely to come, so it shouldn't really have come as a surprise when she said no. You certainly shouldn't feel obligated to 'drip feed encouragement either, though.

Relationships between in laws often don't happen as people have busy lives and will prioritise their own families and friends. My DM really wanted to get to know my DH's family, as our family is very small, but it never really happened. We did have both mums with us on holiday (they're both widows), but with hindsight I wouldn't have done that, as they actually clashed quite badly. We left them babysitting our DDs (who were very young at the time, at 4 and 1) and it went pear shaped with each of them blaming the other.

It really is best not to try too hard. If they're going to get on well, it will happen naturally. My DSis's PIL are lovely and they get on really well with us on the rare occasions when we meet up.

My advice would be to just enjoy your hen night with your family and friends, there'll be plenty of time for your own family and your in laws to get to know each other (with it being a small wedding, that will give them all plenty of opportunity to get to know each other).

Original poster
AforEffort9 · 29/12/2019 17:19

We have tried to explore why she is isolating herself. Her sons did it off their own backs. I stayed well out of it so as to not be accused of interfering. They were genuinely worried about her health.

OP posts:
Original poster
AforEffort9 · 29/12/2019 17:23

Definitely no penis straws! And nan suitable games is so my nan with dementia is able to join in too. We had a competition for the best wedding dress made out of white tissue paper at my cousins relative which went down really well with nans and great aunts able to join in with young cousins and reminisce about their wedding dresses. That's probably the extent of games. And no one would be forced to join in.

OP posts:
Dieu · 29/12/2019 17:27

I think you have tried to be fair, and very thoughtful, in coming up with ways to introduce the families. I mean, who wouldn't want that? Confused

It hasn't gone to plan, which is disappointing, but I think you have to accept that and move on. Your MIL probably has social anxiety, who knows, which would explain her dependency on her husband.
On the plus side, at least you can enjoy a stress/awkwardness free pre-wedding celebration.
Good luck!

Jengnr · 29/12/2019 18:05

It’s really shit of her but you can’t make her be arsed about you if she isn’t.

Just make the same amount of effort for them that they make for you.

HotChocWithCream · 29/12/2019 18:15

I think you’re well intentioned but have fallen wide of the mark.

The idea of travelling that distance to sit in a room with my future DIL and her family whom I’ve never met would literally be my idea of hell and I’m no where near her age. Not to mention the fact my partner wouldn’t be there.

The families will meet at the wedding (again my idea of nightmare which is why I got married without a ceremony but I digress...).

If they get on and want to make further contact beyond the wedding then fab. If not I’m sure they’ll be on polite enough terms whenever their oaths cross at future family events.

HotChocWithCream · 29/12/2019 18:16

Paths not oaths

saraclara · 29/12/2019 18:42

I think it's bizarre to have parents meet for the first time at the wedding. I would have enjoyed my daughter's wedding far less (and been much more stressed about it) if I also had to deal with meeting her fiance's parents for the first time. It would be a real hurdle to get over.

ButterflyBook · 29/12/2019 18:52

We had a competition for the best wedding dress made out of white tissue paper at my cousins relative which went down really well with nans

Oh dear. I'm mid -60s and I'd find it patronising if people thought I'd want to do this and reminisce about my own wedding. it'd make me feel 102. The wedding sounds lovely but pps are right. It's not joining 2 families together. He's joining yours and you're joining his but that's as far as it goes. I didn't go to my daughters' hens but neither did the mils. We met at the wedding and haven't seen them since.

bluegreygreen · 29/12/2019 19:05

I think it's bizarre to have parents meet for the first time at the wedding

The parents have already met (from OP our parents only met each other this year) - I think this is about the wider family meeting up.

It does feel a little unfair to invite MIL to a female-only event almost 2 hours away, when she's no longer driving and doesn't like to socialise without her husband. Perhaps OP could visit them instead at some point?

I agree that the two families are not likely to meet much after the wedding, unless they have other things or people in common - my inlaws next met my family at my MIL's funeral.

Sausagerols · 29/12/2019 19:10

I couldnt think of anyrhing worse
Some people just arnt social

Alsohuman · 29/12/2019 20:46

You don’t have to be anti social to not want to take part in something like this. As for the pp who said it’s shit of her - why? An invitation was extended and she’s (presumably) politely declined it. It’s obviously not her thing and she doesn’t want to make a three hour round trip to have tea and play games with a gaggle of women she’s never met. There appear to be a lot of us who agree with her. Why is this a problem?

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