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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset with MIL?

279 replies

AforEffort9 · 29/12/2019 10:38

I'm getting married this year. I'm from a family of 4 sisters (so have 3 aunts plus my mum, and associated cousins) and we are very close. DPs family are from a small town, all live very local to each other.
I've planned a little get together at my house (2-8 hours away for my family who will make the effort to come for it, 1.5 hours for DPs family) as a hen party as I know DPs family won't want to come on a boozy hen do and I'd like the families to meet prior to the wedding. There will be afternoon tea and some civilised games suitable for nans- mainly just to get people chatting. We've been together for 6 years and our parents only met each other this year.

DP and his brother sat his parents down this year and told them they were worried about how increasingly insular and isolated they are becoming. MIL has given up driving (no health concerns, still active and well 69 year old), relies on FIL to drive her everywhere, doesn't go out and socialise at all unless with FIL. Her boys politely said they were worried what will happen if one of them dies and the other one is left so isolated.

I let MIL know last night about the meet up and she said she wouldn't come. DP and SIL say I should drip feed encouragement- but with a wedding to plan, a house renovation, working long exhausting thankless hours as a junior doctor, I just don't want to take this on too.

AIBU to be offended that she can't even make an effort for this when I have gone out of my way to plan an event to accommodate her?

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 30/12/2019 18:14

Oh here we go. I knew it was only a matter of time.

LucyBee666 · 30/12/2019 18:16

Why are you organising your own hen party? Shouldn’t your friends and bridesmaids do that?

saraclara · 30/12/2019 19:22

My daughter organised her own hen party too, @LucyBee666
She wanted a low key family event very like the one that the OP has planned, rather than a classic hen with just her friends (as the bridesmaids would probably organise) - partly because she was 5 months pregnant at the time!
She's not at all controlly or fussy, and without even an ounce of bridezilla. But she asked if they minded helping her rather than being responsible, and they were all fine with it. It was a fantastic afternoon for everyone, no matter their age.

saraclara · 30/12/2019 19:24

you must have considered whether a 70 year old such as your MIL is entering a phase of cognitive decline or even dementia

I imagine that that is what her sons are worried about when they said they were concerned about her withdrawal from life.

Mrshue · 30/12/2019 19:27

My in laws are like this. I love it!!!!! One can’t live without the other. Whilst I worry massively about what will happen if one goes. My fil has a heart attack and my mil collapsed. But their love for one another is one of a kind. They adore each other. Literally one half of each other.

I don’t think my mother in law would of come to my hen party. But I wouldn’t of forced the issue. They came to our wedding this year. That’s all I could ask for.

Mrshue · 30/12/2019 19:27

We also had a very small wedding. Only ten guests. It was perfect!

Namenic · 30/12/2019 19:32

Can you engineer something for your parents to come over to meet his family? I know not v ‘fair’, but it might make them feel more at ease? All the best for planning the wedding as well as working!

Namenic · 30/12/2019 19:50

But otherwise OP, don’t worry too much. Sounds like MIL is a bit odd, which is fine. It is hard if someone wants to do things that do not seem (to many other people) to be in their best interest. But There is not that much else we can do. It sounds like you have tried hard, so just maybe just relax a bit.

Bluewall · 30/12/2019 20:31

What did she say when she declined ? Did she just say no sorry I can't make it ? Or I am busy that day ?

Or say it's because she doesn't want to travel etc ?

You also mentioned you don't speak to her for months on end until you visit. Could she feel you don't really like her ?

Alsohuman · 30/12/2019 20:47

Could she feel you don't really like her ?

Wherever did you get that idea?

laudete · 30/12/2019 21:03

I get the feeling that your DP and his family have engineered a situation where you had to organize a gathering to which your MIL could be invited. You went along with it, as you're a nice person, and did your best to accommodate everyone. So, YANBU to be hacked off with DP and his family - and it is them, not her. You didn't do anything wrong.

Of course, MIL is perfectly entitled to say "no thanks" to any invitations, etc. You have taken that on board and accepted her declination. There isn't much more you can do other than politely ignore your DP's and his family's suggestions that you dig yourself a larger hole. Leave them to their familial shenanigans and enjoy your wedding plans. x

pudcat · 30/12/2019 21:13

I work in elderly medicine. Extremely familiar thank you. Also extremely familiar with mental health problems in the elderly and loneliness and isolation when a partner dies. I hope you don't work in my NHS district.

Lizzie0869 · 30/12/2019 21:47

My in laws are like this. I love it!!!!! One can’t live without the other. Whilst I worry massively about what will happen if one goes. My fil has a heart attack and my mil collapsed. But their love for one another is one of a kind. They adore each other. Literally one half of each other.

My PIL were like this when my DH and I got married. Tragically, 6 months later, my FIL died in a car accident and my MIL was completely devastated (understandably) and was unable to function on her own. She got through it and now manages on her own but it took several years for her to get to that point.

It's very unhealthy to be so dependent on a partner, because things can change in the blink of an eye.

Mrshue · 30/12/2019 22:02

@Lizzie0869. I understand that. However it’s rare to see a love so strong.

Alsohuman · 30/12/2019 22:05

It's very unhealthy to be so dependent on a partner, because things can change in the blink of an eye

It’s a beautiful thing to see in a very long marriage. And often when one dies, the other follows very soon after. Nothing unhealthy about it.

Scarsthelot · 30/12/2019 22:19

Exh grandparents lived for eachother. When she passed away, he was a shell and followed 3 months later. He said he couldnt imagine Christmas without her and died in november. They had a wonderful relationship. They were wonderful people.

I don't think it was unhealthy. They had a wonderful and full life. They were both ill towards the end but he just kept saying he refused to go first because he would not leave her behind. It was right he followed soon after, he believed he would see her again and thats what he wanted

Lizzie0869 · 30/12/2019 22:23

Yes a relationship like that is beautiful and okay, I can see that 'unhealthy' was the wrong word to use. But my MIL was in her early sixties when her DH died in the car accident, so it would have been very sad if she'd died soon afterwards. And it would have been horrible for her family to have lost her as well as her DH.

I was also thinking about how practically dependent on him she was, there were so many practical things she couldn't do for herself and she became very dependent on her 2 sons (my DH and BIL).

hettie · 30/12/2019 22:47

Ok op, this is the internet.. you asked if you were unreasonable to be cross. Lots of people told you you were. Then you got crosser. Then you used your medical credentials to tell everyone you knew about older adult mental health (which had everyone a bit Hmm) Then you told everyone you were seeking an autism diagnosis..and that you'd found it upsetting to be addressed by certain posters in a certain way. I would gently suggest that i'm not sure this forum (open chat with randoms on mumsnwt) is the right way forward for you to get a better understanding of this question. Maybe block/delete and move on?

queenqueenqueen · 30/12/2019 22:50

You've asked, I reckon just leave it at that

Cyberworrier · 30/12/2019 23:09

@AforEffort9

I completely understand you're feeling hurt by your MIL declining to come, especially as you have planned something low key and family oriented in order to accommodate the needs of loved ones (including her). It would have been nice if she had explained why she couldn’t come, made an excuse, or even said it’s not her cup of tea but maybe you two could have lunch or something, a gesture of friendship of some sort?

However, I do wonder if her social anxiety is more serious than you realised (although I think you sound thoughtful and concerned). Maybe she has developed agoraphobia? Or maybe she doesn’t value family highly. Which is understandably hurtful for you and your husband.

I really don’t understand the responses you’ve had (but I’m not neurotypical either so maybe I’d be missing social norms too!). I think you sound very caring and considerate of others needs, in the way you’ve thought about your gran, giving people the option to bring children or not. Much less ‘me me me’ than most weddings I hear about!

I guess the truth in what many of the harsher posts is that MIL has the right to not like hen parties, not make an effort with you, be distant. I would be upset by that like you are too though 🤷‍♀️

The other thing I think is that maybe for the holiday, it would have been better for them to offer a choice of things, like either CP or.. a weekend by the sea, say. Rather than presenting it as a done deal. And then if she’d had a problem with both options, they could have asked her to come up with another idea with them (or discussed why she doesn’t want to holiday with her family).

Please be gentle with yourself and enjoy your hen party and wedding. You do know your family dynamics best.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 30/12/2019 23:12

I loathe hen do’s. Maybe she just doesn’t want to go?

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2019 23:24

That's fine. Happy to leave her doing what she is doing, I have many more things to do than worry about MIL. But what I will not accept is, if FIL goes first, having to run her around to appointments or listen to any talk of being lonely. She's made her bed.

Well aren't you a peach?

Just because she isn't doing what you want or living how you think she should live?

To be fair, it should be her sons doing the 'running around', but you just sound horrible.

Thetruthwillout80 · 30/12/2019 23:27

Does she suffer with anxiety, or some such?

If she has said no, maybe it's worth asking her if everything is okay? If it's still a resounding no, I would respect her wishes.

ALLMYSmellySocks · 30/12/2019 23:37

Bloody hell! With that attitude she's probably picked up on the fact that you can't stand her and is avoiding you!

If someone is an introvert (either since birth or as they age) they're not going to enjoy small talk and big groups. If their partner dies I'm sure they'll be lonely and upset but they may still not want to socialise in big groups.

It's unlikely that mil attending your hen party will suddenly change her personality, make her a confident driver or introduce her to friends who will be happy to ferry her around in the event if fil's death.

I get the strong impression you and your dpare just avoiding having any responsibility for the poor woman if fil dies first.

Lizzie0869 · 30/12/2019 23:41

@Nanny0gg yes I agree with you there, the OP does sound awful. It's not something to make nasty comments about; I saw how horrible it was for my MIL 16 years ago, when FIL died in the car accident (she was in the car, too). My relationship with my MIL hasn't been easy at times, but what happened was devastating for her and their family.

It really isn't something to make unpleasant comments about. I'm feeling very sorry for the OP's MIL. What kind of person wishes that kind of heartbreak on someone she claims to care about?!