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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset with MIL?

279 replies

AforEffort9 · 29/12/2019 10:38

I'm getting married this year. I'm from a family of 4 sisters (so have 3 aunts plus my mum, and associated cousins) and we are very close. DPs family are from a small town, all live very local to each other.
I've planned a little get together at my house (2-8 hours away for my family who will make the effort to come for it, 1.5 hours for DPs family) as a hen party as I know DPs family won't want to come on a boozy hen do and I'd like the families to meet prior to the wedding. There will be afternoon tea and some civilised games suitable for nans- mainly just to get people chatting. We've been together for 6 years and our parents only met each other this year.

DP and his brother sat his parents down this year and told them they were worried about how increasingly insular and isolated they are becoming. MIL has given up driving (no health concerns, still active and well 69 year old), relies on FIL to drive her everywhere, doesn't go out and socialise at all unless with FIL. Her boys politely said they were worried what will happen if one of them dies and the other one is left so isolated.

I let MIL know last night about the meet up and she said she wouldn't come. DP and SIL say I should drip feed encouragement- but with a wedding to plan, a house renovation, working long exhausting thankless hours as a junior doctor, I just don't want to take this on too.

AIBU to be offended that she can't even make an effort for this when I have gone out of my way to plan an event to accommodate her?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 29/12/2019 21:29

I think, if you wanted the families to get to know each other a little, before the wedding, then you would have done better to invite all the families (men and women) to something at various points before this. You've been together 6 years - there must have been some point where you could have used a birthday or moving in to a new home as a 'hook' to invite people to your house together, or for a meal out of some sort. Or even just planned a BBQ or a lunch or something.

She would much more likely have come to that - when she could travel with her dh and when you weren't using the dreaded words 'hen party' and mentioning 'forced fun'.

Too late now, but I am not surprised she isn't coming and suggest you just accept that and not let her having different opinions of what she will enjoy, spoil your relationship.

Thistles24 · 29/12/2019 21:41

YANBU, but I think you’ll have to accept that she’s not into socialising with your family.
My parents andPIL live 5 mins away from each other, and I think the last time they socialised was at DS2 baptism 7 years ago! At the end of the day, the only thing they have in common is me! At first I thought it’d be nice to blend the families more, but realised they’re just too different. Mine can seem pretty loud, and a dinner lasts for hours with lots of chatting. They’re much quieter, and if they invite you for dinner you basically eat in silence, are done at the table within 15 mins and then can go to the living room to have a bit of a chat. Either we’d have to tone down my family, or give his a bit of oomph for everyone to have a good time, neither of which will happen so we just see them apart.

Myyearmytime · 29/12/2019 21:53

Bet you there is something wrong with MIL eyes .
She is hiding it .
It may just be cataracts or something else.
But i would take her to opticians

Alsohuman · 29/12/2019 22:05

It’s not OP’s place or business to take her anywhere. She’s not a child.

Baconking · 29/12/2019 22:29

Will MIL know anyone other than you at the hen do?

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 29/12/2019 22:32

@Myyearmytime that is a ridiculous reach.

Maybe MiL just done at want to go to a party with a load of random people and some games she's not interested in.

Original poster
AforEffort9 · 29/12/2019 22:45

In answer to questions- the parents met last year. We have just moved into a new house and before that lived in a tiny flat too small to host. My parents work shifts, I work shifts, both parents live at opposite ends of the country with us in the middle and PIL will only visit us once in a blue moon so getting everyone together was tricky.

I had told MIL I was planning on inviting her sisters and my SIL was up for it. I thought it would be a good chance to invite everyone up to the new house. We have space for people to sleep and MIL certainly would not have been expected to do the trip in 1 day. SIL would have driven her. So yes, she would have known people.

I appreciate games may not be everyones cup of tea and no one would've been forced to take part.

Her sons just told her they have booked and paid for a Centre Parcs break for her birthday. She claims to love spending time with her family and has been on similar holidays before and loved it. They needed something to keep a toddler to their ages entertained. The men spoke for hours about what was best and what would suit her foibles. She looked at them with disgust and walked out of the room. I don't think we can win.

OP posts:
stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 29/12/2019 22:49

Oh God this poor woman. So they know she likes cruises. But booked Centre Parks.

They did that after asking her permission right?

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 29/12/2019 22:50

I'd look at them with disgust as well. Interfering busy bodies.

HotChocWithCream · 29/12/2019 23:13

I feel seriously sorry for the MIL in all this saga.

The poor woman probably just wants to be left alone to do as she herself sees fit without interfering family members telling her what’s best for her and trying to commandeer her schedule for family meet ups and centre parcs holidays!

elmosducks · 29/12/2019 23:17

Some people just don't like this kind of thing.
And as for her DSs sitting her and DH down and telling them that they were too insular, and they were worried about what would happen if one of them died.... yikes!!!
Leave the poor woman alone. Let her and her husband enjoy this time of their life together. Invite them, of course, but that is it. It's their choice.

My DP's and PIL are a couple of years younger than yours , both quite active but both are slowing down quite considerably. I always tell them what we are up to and it's their choice if they wish to join in or not.

And they never come together. Because we are not all one big happy blended family, so to speak. We can all gather for weddings and funerals and have a lovely couple of hours, but beyond that, they are very different people who happen to share some GC. It doesn't make them best buddies for life.

I think you need to give your head a shake...

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 29/12/2019 23:18

Is this a reverse?

Are you the MIL?
If so you don't need to be grateful or happy with what they're trying to force you into. Tell them to piss off or they're out of the will.

BackforGood · 29/12/2019 23:27

Her sons just told her they have booked and paid for a Centre Parcs break for her birthday.

Why would they do that ????

The men spoke for hours about what was best and what would suit her foibles.

Why on earth do they think they know best ? Hmm
Surely you would either book something you know she loves (a cruise from what you've said), or you would involve her in the discussions

GreenTulips · 29/12/2019 23:42

Why would a grown woman need others to make her decisions? I’m not surprised she’s disgusted.

Drum2018 · 29/12/2019 23:57

Her sons just told her they have booked and paid for a Centre Parcs break for her birthday

So they booked her a trip without consulting her first? I'd be miffed too. I used to love hot sun holidays with lots of alcohol a few short years ago. If someone booked that for me now it wouldn't appeal to me at all. And I'm only in my 40's. People change, tastes change. Maybe she's just not into the family holiday anymore, with small kids in tow. She might just prefer a bit of peace, but without being asked how could anyone know Hmm You all need to leave her to her own decisions and respect her wishes.

Sillyscrabblegames · 30/12/2019 00:03

Your hen do is for you to have fun not for you to nurse along awkward relatives.
Be glad she is honest enough to decline rather than come along and put a spoiler on things.

ALLMYSmellySocks · 30/12/2019 00:03

Her sons just told her they have booked and paid for a Centre Parcs break for her birthday. She claims to love spending time with her family and has been on similar holidays before and loved it. They needed something to keep a toddler to their ages entertained. The men spoke for hours about what was best and what would suit her foibles. She looked at them with disgust and walked out of the room. I don't think we can win.

This has to be a reverse? The poor woman. I'd be bloody fuming too if "the men" talked for hours about which holiday they had decided to book me on because of my supposed "foibles".

My mum likes spending time with family but there's no way she'd be up for a holiday with us at Centre Parks. It's just not her cup of tea, and a full holiday with a bunch of toddlers is too much for many grandparents.

CluelessNewMama · 30/12/2019 00:27

The hen do sounds lovely, and you’ve been very thoughtful in planning something with others in mind, not just what you want. But I think I probably wouldn’t push her to attend; like you say you are too busy to spend time ‘drip feeding encouragement’ as your DP calls it. He can do that though if he thinks it’s important for her to attend.

SunsetYorks · 30/12/2019 01:10

I honestly can’t believe they now booked her a centre parks holiday. Leave the poor woman be! Has it not crossed anyone’s minds she is perfectly happy as she is & your are basically telling her you think her life is shit. She doesn’t have foibles, she just lives life differently to the way you all seem to think she should. Please let her make her own choices.

PomPomtheGreat · 30/12/2019 01:10

That's a really lovely reply from Purple Crazy Horse and exactly what I'd want to say too.

PomPomtheGreat · 30/12/2019 01:11

Meant to say the reply at 11.53 yesterday.

tillytrotter1 · 30/12/2019 01:18

I would have chewed my own foot rather than attend my daughter's hen do, a civilised meal out, the idea of an all female event makes me cringe. Leave the poor woman alone.

Rachie1973 · 30/12/2019 01:24

Joining 2 families together??? Lord No!!!

I have 6 kids! I don’t want to be ‘joined’ to all the in laws. Some of them are awful!!

Rachie1973 · 30/12/2019 01:28

OMG I’ve just read the Centre Parks update. Your poor MIL. Why do her sons choose for her? Why don’t they ask her what she wants instead of assuming?

Are all the men in the family this domineering?

pissedoffwithprojects · 30/12/2019 02:11

Maybe she's pissed off that everyone seems to have decided that instead of the capable woman she was a couple of years ago she apparently needs managed by her children and decisions made for her! Way to make her feel ancient!