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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset with MIL?

279 replies

AforEffort9 · 29/12/2019 10:38

I'm getting married this year. I'm from a family of 4 sisters (so have 3 aunts plus my mum, and associated cousins) and we are very close. DPs family are from a small town, all live very local to each other.
I've planned a little get together at my house (2-8 hours away for my family who will make the effort to come for it, 1.5 hours for DPs family) as a hen party as I know DPs family won't want to come on a boozy hen do and I'd like the families to meet prior to the wedding. There will be afternoon tea and some civilised games suitable for nans- mainly just to get people chatting. We've been together for 6 years and our parents only met each other this year.

DP and his brother sat his parents down this year and told them they were worried about how increasingly insular and isolated they are becoming. MIL has given up driving (no health concerns, still active and well 69 year old), relies on FIL to drive her everywhere, doesn't go out and socialise at all unless with FIL. Her boys politely said they were worried what will happen if one of them dies and the other one is left so isolated.

I let MIL know last night about the meet up and she said she wouldn't come. DP and SIL say I should drip feed encouragement- but with a wedding to plan, a house renovation, working long exhausting thankless hours as a junior doctor, I just don't want to take this on too.

AIBU to be offended that she can't even make an effort for this when I have gone out of my way to plan an event to accommodate her?

OP posts:
ForkThis · 30/12/2019 02:38

This is batshit OP! Leave the poor woman alone!

Your hen do sounds like my idea of hell and I’d decline too.

Centre parcs?! For real? Her son actually booked and paid for something after spending “hours discussing what is best for her” and then we’re miffed she wasn’t impressed?!

You’re all mad. MIL sounds like the only sane one here.

KatherineJaneway · 30/12/2019 06:09

The men spoke for hours about what was best and what would suit her foibles. She looked at them with disgust and walked out of the room.

Maybe 'the men' should have just asked mil rather than patronise her and book 'what was best'.

If anyone booked a Centre Parcs holiday for me, I'd walk away in disgust too.

Juliette20 · 30/12/2019 06:13

You can't make people do things. If they want to become increasingly insular and anti social and aren't interested in getting to know the other family there is nothing anyone can do about it.

You have been thoughtful and provided the opportunity, that's all you can do.

Seahorseshoe · 30/12/2019 06:16

If she doesn't want to come, don't make her feel bad about it. I wouldn't drip feed encouragement, but have one conversation with her and tell her it's designed for both families to meet and it won't be a rowdy affair. If she still doesn't want to come, let her know that you would be delighted if she changed her mind before the day and that you'd love to see her there. No pressure though. She might surprise you.

Juliette20 · 30/12/2019 06:17

And it's extremely rude to walk out of the room in disgust when someone has booked a birthday treat for you, even if it's not entirely your cup of tea.

Centreparcs wouldn't be my first choice either but if someone had booked and paid for it for me I'd say thank you and would go along and enjoy myself. Because I'm not a selfish misery guts.

Scarsthelot · 30/12/2019 06:25

The men discussed it? And made a decision to book something for her birthday, that was actually something they wanted to do, that suited their kids?

How is that a treat for her birthday.

I suggest she has got to a point where she is fed up of doing stuff to just make others happy. Especially since her sons seem to think she should do everything they want hee to do and how they want her to do it.

It appears that her sins very much think they know what's best for her and determined to impose it on her.

Scarsthelot · 30/12/2019 06:27

And it's extremely rude to walk out of the room in disgust when someone has booked a birthday treat for you, even if it's not entirely your cup of tea.

But its isnt for her. Her birthday surprise is something they want to do that will suit their families and children.

That's why I think she is simply fed up. People saying they are doing things for her, dont want to let her make her own decisions and making it look like they are doing something nice for her, when its nor actually for her.

Arthritica · 30/12/2019 06:49

OP, you’re clearly well-meaning but it’s not about joining 2 families, it’s about you and your DP.

As for her sons springing “happy 70th birthday, you’re spending it a CenterParcs with toddlers” on her - good lord! Shouldn’t they flipping well ASK her what she wants??

Juliette20 · 30/12/2019 06:51

We don't actually know any of that. Stop projecting your own circumstances onto the OP's words.

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 30/12/2019 06:56

I think it's pretty easy to deduce that MIL is sick of her interfering selfish family.

Fairylea · 30/12/2019 07:00

You’re making this far too personal to you. She doesn’t want to come. I wouldn’t either. As people get older they stop doing things just to please other people. Just let her get on with it. You’ve got enough people who do want to do what you want to do so just enjoy that. Don’t get yourself all offended and worked up about it.

Smelborp · 30/12/2019 07:06

This is sounding worse and worse OP. I first read it and thought this clearly isn’t her cup of tea, she’s entitled to decide that and it’s a bit off of you to to upset with her about it.

Than I read this: We had a competition for the best wedding dress made out of white tissue paper at my cousins relative which went down really well with nans and great aunts able to join in with young cousins and reminisce about their wedding dresses.

And thought how that is my idea of hell. I’ve played that before and thought it the most pointless activity with an absolute ton of waste. I’m quite extrovert and a lot younger than your MIL but I’d decline if I knew that was planned.

Then the Centre parcs update - did literally no one discuss this with her before you all decided how she should spend her time? No wonder she walked out!

Keep on like this and she may decline the wedding itself! Leave her alone. She’s an adult and capable of deciding how to spend her time and her life.

KatherineJaneway · 30/12/2019 07:08

Centreparcs wouldn't be my first choice either but if someone had booked and paid for it for me I'd say thank you and would go along and enjoy myself. Because I'm not a selfish misery guts.

Maybe mil doesn't want to be a doormat.

StreetwiseHercules · 30/12/2019 07:13

“ and I'd like the families to meet prior to the wedding.”

Why?

StreetwiseHercules · 30/12/2019 07:17

“It's about joining 2 families together, no?”

No.

thickwoollytights · 30/12/2019 07:23

I don't think we can win.

Then try not competing

Ask her what she wants to do and if she doesn't want to do anything then respect that

You all seem to want to choose activities for her

Juliette20 · 30/12/2019 07:23

Maybe mil doesn't want to be a doormat

I feel sorry for you if you think people can only have two personality types: selfish and rude or doormat.

Juliette20 · 30/12/2019 07:27

So what if people have chosen two things for her in her life?

She has all the rest of her time to go off on cruises and do exactly as she pleases. How about doing a couple of things that would please others for once in her life?

KatherineJaneway · 30/12/2019 07:41

I feel sorry for you if you think people can only have two personality types: selfish and rude or doormat.

😂😂😂

Fairylea · 30/12/2019 07:43

I think the centre Parcs thing annoyed her because it doesn’t feel like a holiday for her, it feels like they’ve chosen it for the kids and expect her to tag along as free childcare! It’s not something they’ve chosen especially for her. No wonder she was upset.

Scarsthelot · 30/12/2019 07:43

@Juliette20 it's her birthday, if there is ever a time to do what makes you happy and not something that suits your adults kids, it's you birthday. Especially a 70th birthday.

Juliette20 · 30/12/2019 07:48

In my experience people celebrate milestone birthdays over several weeks or months, doing things for themselves and also getting family together. No-one has said she would be expected to look after children on the holiday. Again, posters are projecting.

Sugarfreejelly · 30/12/2019 07:51

I appreciate that you may all think you’re acting in her best interests, it all sounds quite controlling. I can’t bear enforces socialising and hen did with games are my idea of hell - clearly hers too.

Why did her sons book a holiday without consulting her? This isn’t a gift for her if she isn’t consulted about it. I’d hate to be told I was going on a centre parcs holiday with other people, even family whom I love. Can’t you see that you’re forcing her to do things she doesn’t want to do? Have some empathy for her. People do change as they get older - I see it with my own parents so it’s not just her.

50shadesofsay · 30/12/2019 07:51

I disagree with all those saying it's not about bringing two families together- it IS and it's a lovely idea what you're suggesting. Could someone help with the transport?

Sugarfreejelly · 30/12/2019 07:52

Oh God, so many typos - sorry!