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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset with MIL?

279 replies

AforEffort9 · 29/12/2019 10:38

I'm getting married this year. I'm from a family of 4 sisters (so have 3 aunts plus my mum, and associated cousins) and we are very close. DPs family are from a small town, all live very local to each other.
I've planned a little get together at my house (2-8 hours away for my family who will make the effort to come for it, 1.5 hours for DPs family) as a hen party as I know DPs family won't want to come on a boozy hen do and I'd like the families to meet prior to the wedding. There will be afternoon tea and some civilised games suitable for nans- mainly just to get people chatting. We've been together for 6 years and our parents only met each other this year.

DP and his brother sat his parents down this year and told them they were worried about how increasingly insular and isolated they are becoming. MIL has given up driving (no health concerns, still active and well 69 year old), relies on FIL to drive her everywhere, doesn't go out and socialise at all unless with FIL. Her boys politely said they were worried what will happen if one of them dies and the other one is left so isolated.

I let MIL know last night about the meet up and she said she wouldn't come. DP and SIL say I should drip feed encouragement- but with a wedding to plan, a house renovation, working long exhausting thankless hours as a junior doctor, I just don't want to take this on too.

AIBU to be offended that she can't even make an effort for this when I have gone out of my way to plan an event to accommodate her?

OP posts:
ArnoldBee · 29/12/2019 11:17

My Dad is 70 and just doesn't do things he doesn't want to do anymore. His view is at 70 he has earned the right to do what he wants to do not what he should do. My Dad isn't rude about it he just does what he wants.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 29/12/2019 11:17

Maybe she now finds socialising exhausting or it makes her anxious. The hen party is the kind of thing that some people will look forward to and others will want to avoid like the plague. Since it's a "hen party" MiL probably doesn't feel particularly obligated to attend and obviously doesn't want to. Blending the families together is a nice idea but isn't really necessary unless all parties are keen and Mil isn't.

fedup21 · 29/12/2019 11:18

Is she not coming to the wedding or just the hen day of games?

If it’s just the games, give her a break-it isn’t everyone’s cup of tea!

Ladyratterley · 29/12/2019 11:21

For what it’s worth I would be a bit upset OP.
It’s her loss though. Just have a nice day with the people who can be bothered to come.

maras2 · 29/12/2019 11:22

Age appropriate games would make me want to lie this 67 year old body in the foetal position. Xmas Shock

diddl · 29/12/2019 11:22

Have your parents met?

Why do you think that family other than that need to get together?

And why dress it up as a hen party, why not just family get together?

FinallyHere · 29/12/2019 11:23

It's about joining 2 families together, no?

Not in my experience.

Spoiler alert : different people have different preferences.

MrsAJ27 · 29/12/2019 11:24

I think it is rude that she isn't even going to try and make an effort. Let her get on with it!

Enjoy it with the people that will attend

AnnaMagnani · 29/12/2019 11:24

It's about joining 2 families together, no?

Well, yes and also very much no.

It's very common for ILs to have absolutely nothing to do with each other. Mine met on the day of our wedding, decided to hang out the day after and apparently massively fell out with each other, and that has pretty much been that. They are grown adults, you can't force it.

Also top tip - you say you are a junior doctor. Your MIL is not one of your patients. Leave her alone. There will be plenty of time when she actually really is ill when she is older and being the medical relative is bloody hard work. Don't start doing it when you don't have to. Voice of bitter experience

saraclara · 29/12/2019 11:24

I think it's a lovely idea to get the families together. I'm bemused at those who think that families have nothing to do with weddings. Of course it's good to bring the families together in a nice social but low key way. (I'm really introverted, but my daughter arranged something similar, and it was lovely to get to know the 'other side' a little better.

There's clearly more to MIL's isolation though, rather than it being personal. I'd be very disappointed that she doesn't want to come. But I think that the other members of her family are the ones who should be stepping up to try to get her there, not you.

Maybe you could explain to SIL that you think the drip feed would be better coming from MIL's own family? She might take more notice of them?

TabbyMumz · 29/12/2019 11:25

Has she actually said no yet? Sorry, but J cant see if she has or she hasnt from your post. 69 isn't old at all. Most of us will still be working at 69. You've invited her, if she doesnt come, she diesnt come, it's not a summons is it?

bringincrazyback · 29/12/2019 11:25

I'd scratch the games for definite, personally party games with people I've never met before would be my idea of hell.

LuluJakey1 · 29/12/2019 11:28

I understand you feeling upset. However, nothing would persuade me to go to another hen-do of any kind. I hate them and I try to avoid weddings unless it is impossible. Not everyone likes social events. Let her get on with it. It isn't compulsory. Be magnanimous- tell her you are disappointed, really wanted her to be there and she will be missed but you understand and then let it go. It really doesn't matter.

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2019 11:33

Oh Christ, I'm 50 and I hate hen dos.

I hate the forced jollity and what makes you think anyone wants to play 'nan suitable games' (whatever they are) with people they don't even know?

The woman goes on cruises and holidays abroad multiple times a year. She knows what she likes, so just leave her to meet people at the wedding.

Knittedfairies · 29/12/2019 11:34

I think you've been watching too much 'Gavin and Stacey'. Your families will not be joined when you marry; you and your husband will be.

feebeecat · 29/12/2019 11:35

If they’re going on cruises/multiple holidays abroad they’re hardly socially isolated - they just know what they like. And at that age, I’d say that’s fine.
Doesn’t sound like the families will be mixing much after the wedding, so leave them to it. My parents met in-laws at our wedding, didn’t see them again until fil funeral. Different people leading different lives.
She may change her mind, it might have been a knee-jerk response, but if she doesn’t, best not to make a big deal - her choice

Cherrysoup · 29/12/2019 11:35

Let the woman be! You don’t need her to be there.

GabriellaMontez · 29/12/2019 11:36

Ice breaking games for the union of two families!! Sounds like something I've had to Do for work once or twice but I got paid of course!

She doesn't want to come. He does want to go on a cruise. That's her choice.

EL8888 · 29/12/2019 11:37

I wouldn’t get involved. You have 101 other things to do. Let other people, like your partner persuade her if they want

IceCreamFace · 29/12/2019 11:37

If she's backed away from socialising with her friends it's hardly surprising she isn't keen on driving for hours to play parlour games with people she doesn't know. I wouldn't take it personally.

It seems like you and her children are taking a bit of a patronising attitude towards her without ever finding out what actually is going on. Why has she stopped socialising? Is she more tired than she used to be? More anxious? Hormonal changes? Maybe she just finally decided she isn't going to do stuff she isn't interested in any more.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 29/12/2019 11:39

No, I don't think this is entirely reasonable. That's said without knowing the back story though, and I'd revise that view if it transpired they'd given up driving and become insular as a form of learned helplessness, or to manipulate their children into rallying around them to the detriment of their own downtime. Nothing you've said gives any indication that this is the case.

You've made lovely plans for your wedding and pre-celebration, and I'd suggest enjoying them for what they're worth. Your in-laws can also make their own choices. Family parties wouldn't be my thing either, but holidays and cruises? Bring it on! If they were saying they wouldn't attend the actual wedding then this could indicate a problem of some kind, but hen parties are not everyone's cup of tea (I didn't have one at all).

Weddings are about the joining of two people, not two families. I suspect that after the majority of weddings the likelihood of the two sides ever seeing each other again, excepting at weddings or baptisms, is probably pretty minimal.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/12/2019 11:40

It’s perfectly ok to say no thank you to an invitation. Hen do’s don’t appeal to many people as it is.

missperegrinespeculiar · 29/12/2019 11:41

I bet it's the games, horrible idea!

Alsohuman · 29/12/2019 11:42

Age appropriate games would make me want to lie this 67 year old body in the foetal position

You say it so much more eloquently than me!

Topsy44 · 29/12/2019 11:43

I'm sorry to say but your idea of games and a get together with people I hadn't met would fill me with dread. Not everyone likes big get togethers or games. If it was me, I would be more inclined to go if it was only the parents I was meeting and to leave the games out of it!

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