AIBU to be upset with MIL?

[AforEffort9]

I'm getting married this year. I'm from a family of 4 sisters (so have 3 aunts plus my mum, and associated cousins) and we are very close. DPs family are from a small town, all live very local to each other.
I've planned a little get together at my house (2-8 hours away for my family who will make the effort to come for it, 1.5 hours for DPs family) as a hen party as I know DPs family won't want to come on a boozy hen do and I'd like the families to meet prior to the wedding. There will be afternoon tea and some civilised games suitable for nans- mainly just to get people chatting. We've been together for 6 years and our parents only met each other this year.

DP and his brother sat his parents down this year and told them they were worried about how increasingly insular and isolated they are becoming. MIL has given up driving (no health concerns, still active and well 69 year old), relies on FIL to drive her everywhere, doesn't go out and socialise at all unless with FIL. Her boys politely said they were worried what will happen if one of them dies and the other one is left so isolated.

I let MIL know last night about the meet up and she said she wouldn't come. DP and SIL say I should drip feed encouragement- but with a wedding to plan, a house renovation, working long exhausting thankless hours as a junior doctor, I just don't want to take this on too.

AIBU to be offended that she can't even make an effort for this when I have gone out of my way to plan an event to accommodate her?

The thought of playing games is my idea of hell OP. I would want to join you but the games would be enough to make me refuse.

I hate the twee bringing 2 families together twaddle
2 people are getting married, that's it. Your families may or may not get on. They may hardly ever meet up and that's fine. They don't have to be best mates

I'm wondering what are suitable civilised games games for nans though!

Civilised games suitable for Nans

Even when I was in my twenties I loathed games. She might be one of those women who would much rather just “be”. I am one of these. For my hens do (I was 31 - an old fart) I had an afternoon tea. It was probably dull as dogshit, but I loved it. (I didn’t invite my problematic mother or MIL - just friends and nice people I enjoyed hanging out with. It was very “Me!”) We had cocktails and ate until we exploded and laughed ourselves silly. Best day!!!

Let them meet at the wedding. If they live far apart then they're not likely to become friends due to distance. I simply wouldn't force it. Although nice to join families together it doesn't always work like that (after all, you've chosen DH, they haven't chosen each other). It's totally fine to not meet in advance.

My parents and PIL met at our wedding. They exchanged Christmas cards/gifts via me and DH for a few years but they don't really have anything in common and live hours apart. They are more than able to chat to each other at an event and don't need pre-warming-up prior to that, they are functioning adults after all.

Lovely that you've thought to plan an event that is most likely to appeal and no doubt disappointing to you that they have still said no. Especially if you've chosen something to suit them/others and not quite what you might have planned for yourself. However, have fun and congratulations on your wedding.

My Dad and my in laws have seen each other precisely once since my wedding in 2015. So like PP I'd really not be bothered about this.

But if she is becoming more isolated, that is another problem, but it is hers to deal with.

My parents and my in laws have met maybe 5 times in nearly 20 years of marriage. Marriage is about you two forming a family, not joining two families together. Otherwise, where would the line be, your in-laws in-laws become part of your family too?

She doesn't want to come. The end.

FWIW I have 4 SiLs. Being the outsider at their family get-togethers is seldom fun or bonding. The dynamic is very much them and all their shared banter and in-jokes versus me the oddity. Individually I love them all dearly but as a gaggle not so much. OTOH when they get married the actual wedding day has so much structured hanging around that we all have a lovely time and plenty shared experience / fun to work with for maintaining future relationships without any forcing.

From a practical pov I 4 SiLs leads to dozens of associated BiLs and nieces and nephews. That is a lot of people to get to know but at least they are my generation. I don't actually know how many sisters and brothers my MiL has and my DH can't explain all the ins and outs of his in-laws either. There would be no prospect of either of our DMs knowing or wanting to know who any of our various aunties were.

I don't think you have thought this through from your MiL's pov at all - caught up in the moment.

If they're doing cruises and holidays abroad I don't think they're really isolating themselves.
Just choosing to live differently to you.

Having vaguely considered this as I'm dyeing my hair and have little else to do , come to think of it it was a bit unfair to put pressure on her to begin with (given the suggestions by your dh and previous comments about isolation...which frankly it more sounds like shes doing what she pleases fair play to her , I would hazard a guess this was not put casually ...if I'm wrong I apologise but you do all sound rather intense.) As you already know this probably wasn't her thing, my DP mum and I get on really well however she lives in the wilds of Wales doesn't wish to see many people (her choice) and would feel massively a fish out of water in this scenario. It would be a massive ask and quite unfair of me if I were to suggest such a thing. It's likely one day DP and I will marry and thanks OP because you've made me consider it. I'll offer to take DPs mum out for lunch and we can celebrate, much more her style.

Granted it would be a second marriage and I suspect (although not sure) I'm abit older so I grant you far less likely to be a lot of fuss but it has made me consider how to include that side of the family in a way that suits them.

I'm not really one for bending over backwards to suit others but I would just remind you the day after a wedding you do wake up and realise life goes on and all those things you pushed for for a wedding suddenly are done and weren't as do or die as you thought and if you've been pushy you start having to face the consequences of your actions. Consider life going forward (and seriously this is coming from someone who banned my mother in law several years later from my house, I am the furthest thing from a family pushover). People remember things like this.

I think some of the replies are a bit harsh. It is joining two families. It isn’t too much to ask. It’s okay to be a bit miffed.

However - it isn’t a reason to hold this against your MIL. Mil relationships can be tricky at best and it would be a great pity if you let this get you off to a bad start.

Age appropriate games for nans? Ours enjoys Cards Against Humanity...

Take both sets of parents out for lunch instead ?
I agree with pps on the games OP, sorry. Fun at a family Christmas, hellish at a party with people you don’t know, where mixing is being enforced. It reminds me of office team-building.
Has your fiancé asked her why she doesn’t want to come ?

some civilised games suitable for nans- mainly just to get people chatting.

My idea of absolute hell!

Surely it’s an invitation, not a summons and she can choose to accept or not.

You have had years to organise something and now you are doing it under the auspices of enforced jollity, a bit like playing board games on Christmas day, when they never see the light of day from one end of the year to the other.

My DH's family were not close at all when I met him, I tried to emulate mine through them, (mine lived in a different country) it didn't work, thirty years later, I regret the time I spent trying to do it.

Do an Elsa and let it go.

I am not a big fan of hen parties and I loathe hen party games. I wouldn't go. It seems you are linking the two issues when it may just be she doesn't like this sort of thing. Plus it is up to her whether she goes out and socialises anyway. I am an introvert and mostly socialise with my husband. If anything happened to him I would continue as I did before I met him.

I get fed up of people getting upset if I don't want to do something.
I'm in my sixties now and to be honest, if people want to get upset, I can't be arsed caring....I've spent decades doing stuff I don't want to do because other people get 'upset' Let people be ffs!

My PILs are similar OP. they are in their 70s have no friends, dont socialise and have followed DH around everywhere he's moved. They hate each other but are totally codependent. I used to bend over backwards to get them out but now I've given up. If they wanted to have a life outside their house they would and it's not up to me to provide a social life for her.

'Her boys politely said they were worried what will happen if one of them dies and the other one is left so isolated.'

If they go on cruises and holidays I think they are doing just fine, bit early for that lecture.

Leave her alone op, she doesnt fancy it. I don't get the 'joining 2 families together' thing either. You are getting married, the wedding will be one event. Relatives on either side don't join, they merely meet occasionally at christenings and birthdays.

Posted too soon! Meant to say that I like MIL but i can't force her to change so I've stopes trying. Suggest you do the same.

YANBU to be disappointed, but YABU to be offended. Ultimately, she is not obliged to attend the hen party, and it's not as though she is avoiding you personally: she is avoiding social events in general. She may have her own reasons: she may be depressed or anxious, have health problems (just because she is not disabled in an obvious way does not mean that she cannot be unwell in some way that is exhausting her), preoccupied with some problems in her own family, or just an introvert. And giving up driving is not necessarily unreasonable of her: her reflexes may be slowing down, and I know several people who always found driving difficult and stressful but carried on until age with its 'slowing down' tipped the balance in favour of it being just too difficult and unsafe. Many not-terribly-social people would find it stressful to have to play party games with people whom they don't know, and she's not preventing your marriage by refusing to attend this event! Just do things as you prefer. You are not obliged to persuade her to come, or to adapt the event to her preferences; but you also should not put pressure on her about it.

It sounds like shes going through things i wouldn't push it. I get your upset and thats ok but i wouldn't show it

Agree with most posts here.

I wouldn't take it personally. Some people struggle with the kind of thing you're suggesting. Unfair to put pressure on. Even if indirectly with well-meaning encouragement.

Carry on with your plans. If DP thinks he knows what his mum needs let him get on with it. Not fair putting that on you.

Personally I would accept she's just not keen on that kind of activity. I can understand that.

I’ve been married 22 years. IL’s met my family at the wedding. Have never seen each other since.

A 3 hour round trip to chat and play games with a lot of strangers wouldn’t appeal to me.