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Original poster

Male friend and secret meeting

190 replies

DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 21:23

I have a male friend, an ex-colleague, and we’re very close. Both married with children. His wife is unsure about me and for a long time we weren’t allowed to meet without her there, to reassure her.

I recently contacted my friend to meet up in the day for coffee. I didn’t want him to feel awkward saying he couldn’t meet me for a drink. So we arranged a day to meet. The day before he contacted me to arrange the time and he changed it to the evening. I was surprised because I knew that she wouldn’t like it but it was the first time we have met alone in over a year. So we met up and it was great.

Now we’re trying to arrange our next catch up but this time with the families. However, he’s being a bit evasive. I know him really well and I’m 99% sure that he met me in secret without telling her but has now dug himself a hole because what if I mention it.

What should I do? Do I leave it? Ask him? Cover for him?

OP posts:
OlaEliza · 27/12/2019 21:30

Ask him if that's what he did. If he did, ask him why. Then cover if it's appropriate 🤷

IdiotInDisguise · 27/12/2019 21:31

I would stay away if I were you.

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 21:34

I suppose I’m scared to hear the answer.
Either he lied to her - why?
Or he didn’t - I look weird for suspecting it.
If he did lie to her and if it’s because, as I suspect, she wouldn’t like us meeting up because she’s suspicious of our friendship, then if I agree to cover for him is it right that I should have to hide? Does it make me come across as low value? That I’m happy to be his dirty little secret?

OP posts:
CoffeeCoinneseur · 27/12/2019 21:42

If you know him really well and you're 99% sure he met you in secret, can you see why his wife is unsure about you/your relationship?

If you're sure he met you in secret, his wife will also sense something, even if it's that sickly gut feeling that he's lying again, being evasive, omitting information.

Why would you consider colluding with him in this?

gamerchick · 27/12/2019 21:44

His wife isn't happy and you don't care? Leave him alone, you can't be friends with him.

IdiotInDisguise · 27/12/2019 21:45

To be honest, I really wouldn’t welcome any male friend meeting me in secret. If he cannot talk about it he should not be meeting with you, you don’t want to look as a dirty little secret especially if you are not doing anything wrong.

richtea12 · 27/12/2019 21:45

Sounds like you like him

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 27/12/2019 21:45

Either he lied to her - why?
Or he didn’t - I look weird for suspecting it
I think you're thinking too much about it. If you're just friends fair enough but the way you are both behaving is a bit strange Confused

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 27/12/2019 21:49

Sounds like you like him

Doesn't it just!
Why would you need to be his 'dirty little secret' if you are just friends?

ODFOkaren · 27/12/2019 21:49

I could not be friends with someone however innocent if it was upsetting their wife. I wouldn’t feel right causing someone else anguish.

ferrier · 27/12/2019 21:51

Is there anything between you .... on either side? If not, then he's probably fed up with his suspicious dw and decided to go ahead and meet you with or without her 'permission'. If that is the case I'd go along with it.
If there is any sense of there being more than a platonic relationship on either side then I'd steer well clear.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 27/12/2019 21:52

What are you both getting from a friendship like this? I have male friends and wouldn't need to lie to DH about them - if he was so worried about them that he needed to be there I'd deal with the issues within our relationship rather than stealth-visiting people.

disheveledpootea · 27/12/2019 21:56

Can you chalk this one up to him wanting to maintain a friendship with you, and then try and arrange meet ups with his wife involved, and make an effort to include her in things?

Female friends can be scary concepts - remind your friend that telling lies only makes things look suspicious.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 27/12/2019 22:02

It can be tricky. I have a male friend. His wife - and I know this from her, not from him - doesn't believe men need or should want to have any female friends other than their wives, and she doesn't have any platonic male friends.

Icecreambaby · 27/12/2019 22:07

It seems to me a man will always cover up for another male friend. Why can't woman cover up for a male friend? He may just simply does not want his wife to get paranoid and if there is nothing wrong you have done, why can't you just avoid mentioning it to his wife? Maybe his wife is worried about all women he sees alone anyway.

Knicknamehistory · 27/12/2019 22:13

Imagine if your husband was meeting a female 'friend' in secret so that you didnt get upset by it? I think you like each other and you need to step back...

overnightangel · 27/12/2019 22:17

“His wife isn't happy and you don't care? Leave him alone, you can't be friends with him.”

If it was a man saying a woman couldn’t be friends with someone there would be uproar on here!!

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 22:25

If you know him really well and you're 99% sure he met you in secret, can you see why his wife is unsure about you/your relationship?
Yes

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 27/12/2019 22:25

Either he lied to her - why? if he did, it's because his wife is probably giving him grief about you OP - he shouldn't be lying to her and you shouldn't be meeting with him if you know full well that she doesn't like it - he's your friend and you're causing him trouble at home - that's not what friends do. Have you tried being friends with both of them as a couple?
I think the reason you want to know if he's lied is because you're secretly hoping he has, because you have feelings for him - how do you feel when you've set up a meeting - do you think you might be falling for him? If so, I think you should stay well away from him.

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 22:26

Why would you consider colluding with him in this?
I just didn’t want an awkward scene when I next see her if I refer to when we met for a drink and she’s like what????

OP posts:
Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 22:27

His wife isn't happy and you don't care? I do care but I know our relationship is platonic so she doesn’t have any reason to be unhappy.

OP posts:
Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 22:29

Is there anything between you .... on either side?
Do you mean have we kissed or expressed feelings? No.

OP posts:
Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 22:29

OP that’s a lot of minutia analysis for a platonic relationship...

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 27/12/2019 22:30

Maybe he didn't tell her because he knew it'd cause an argument and he just wanted to avoid that.

For some reason you seem to be leaning towards hoping thinking it's because he has feelings for you. If that's what you hope think then I think you need to knock this friendship on the head.

His wife might be unreasonable about your friendship, or she might sense that it's not as innocent as you both make out. You can't possibly know what's going on in someone else's marriage, so if he's not keen for you all to meet up, don't push it.

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 22:32

What are you both getting from a friendship like this?
I like him a lot. He’s good fun. We have a lot in common and he gives great advice. He makes me laugh. I think he likes me too. I have a very different perspective and world view to him and he seems to enjoy that.

I have male friends and wouldn't need to lie to DH about them - if he was so worried about them that he needed to be there I'd deal with the issues within our relationship rather than stealth-visiting people.
I told my DH who I was meeting. It’s not my responsibility that my friend may or may not have done the same.

OP posts:
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