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Original poster

Male friend and secret meeting

190 replies

DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 21:23

I have a male friend, an ex-colleague, and we’re very close. Both married with children. His wife is unsure about me and for a long time we weren’t allowed to meet without her there, to reassure her.

I recently contacted my friend to meet up in the day for coffee. I didn’t want him to feel awkward saying he couldn’t meet me for a drink. So we arranged a day to meet. The day before he contacted me to arrange the time and he changed it to the evening. I was surprised because I knew that she wouldn’t like it but it was the first time we have met alone in over a year. So we met up and it was great.

Now we’re trying to arrange our next catch up but this time with the families. However, he’s being a bit evasive. I know him really well and I’m 99% sure that he met me in secret without telling her but has now dug himself a hole because what if I mention it.

What should I do? Do I leave it? Ask him? Cover for him?

OP posts:
mrswx · 28/12/2019 00:16

I think you should respect his wife, I think there is a good chance you might be the one she doesn't trust - there is obviously something which is making his wife feel uncomfortable with yours and his friendship - especially because he has other female friends.

His wife has no basis for her dislike, she is insecure and paranoid.

I think it's a bit unfair when you don't know the full circumstances. There may well be 'nothing there' for OP, but that might not be the case for her friend, meaning his wife isn't just being insecure or paranoid.

stophuggingme · 28/12/2019 00:24

As with any thread of this nature, you are being entirely dishonest with us. Your contrivances of replies suggest that you yourself - and this man - know exactly what the score is.

Is it about needing to be needed or wanting to be wanted more then his wife because of the hold your attention seeking responses tell us you have and want to have over him.

If you were my wife I would not be happy.

Original poster
DahliaDell · 28/12/2019 00:32

Why would I be dishonest on an anonymous forum? It doesn’t make any sense.

OP posts:
Spacebowlisback · 28/12/2019 00:34

It does. It makes more sense that the post that’s ostensibly your platonic relationship. As you know.

You’re very transparent. You need to be aware of this for future liaison with your friend and his wife.

MistyCloud · 28/12/2019 00:39

@Christmaspug

Nice bit of excitement for u , life a bit dull is it at mo ...yeah it gets like that sometimes,he’s someone else’s man...walk away and leave their marriage in one piece,you can’t be that desperate for a friend..she is suspicious of you ,and with good reasons clearly.

THIS. ^

@Shalom20

Oh dear, I think everyone sees where this is going. You will certainly cause problems in their marriage if things like this start to happen. For the sake of peace and being respectful, its best to cool off this friendship.

Also this. ^

@DahliaDell it's blatantly bloody obvious you fancy this man, and want him. You're bored with your husband, bored with your marriage, and bored with your life, and you're looking for fun and excitement. You are desperate for an affair with this male 'friend.'

You don't give a rat's ass about his wife, and she dislikes you for a bloody good reason. When a 'wife' dislikes a female 'friend' of her husband's, there is always a good reason for it.

Women/wives aren't fucking stupid, and they are mostly quite happy for their DH/partner to have female friends. GENUINE friends. But not the type of female 'friend' like the OP.

I have met a few of this type, and they are toxic and sly and manipulative, and they LOVE the drama they create. They also LOVE to crow about how 'insecure' and 'jealous' their male friend's wife is, of the 'friendship' she and her 'male friend' have. Hmm

Back off FFS DahliaDell, sort out your marriage, sort out your life, and leave this man and his wife alone! Have some respect and consideration, and think about someone else other than yourself. You sound toxic.

Original poster
DahliaDell · 28/12/2019 00:44

I’m in love with my husband. I don’t fancy my friend. Thanks for everyone’s advice.

OP posts:
MistyCloud · 28/12/2019 00:49

@DahliaDell

I’m in love with my husband. I don’t fancy my friend. Thanks for everyone’s advice.

Yeah, SURE you don't fancy your friend. Hmm

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 28/12/2019 00:53

I think he didn’t tell her because he wanted an easy life and didn’t want a massive debate about it

So that's that then.

You contradict yourself though, constantly.

You're too strong for him.
He likes submissive women.
Yet his wife has control over his friendship.
She dictates when and how he sees you.
He keeps quiet, for an easy life.

So, is he submissive, or is his wife?

I think you need to be honest with yourself. It doesn't really matter if you're not honest with us. There's more to this friendship than just friendship. Neither of you might ever act on it, but there is a chemistry there. And you enjoy it.

You go into too much detail. You give yourself away by little almost innocuous bitchy comments directed at his wife. You don't like her. You imply he's not too happy with her. And you enjoy that he likes your company and lies to her.

Although... Taking what you said about being a drama queen and melodramatic into account, you don't actually know that he didn't tell her. You suspect. You know him so well that you are 99% sure he didn't, yet you don't seem to know him well enough to know if he has feelings for you?

(Or you do know, but want to play innocent?)

Anyway, maybe he didn't tell her because he didn't want a row.
Maybe he did tell her.

Just ask him.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/12/2019 01:00

I have a friend who I had a beer with tonight.

We dont fancy each other, we have a laugh and chat and get on really well. We both really value our friendship. But I am waiting for the day that his new GF says she doesnt want him to meet up with me.

He isnt a wet fart so will tell her that we are friends in the same way as he is with his male friends and will see me anyway, but it will cause issues. I dont know why a lot of women, many on this thread it seems, are sure that a woman who thinks a lot of a man who is her friend must fancy him but they do Hmm I think it says more about them than it does about us. Either they assume that every woman fancies all her male friends, which she will be basing on her own feelings about male friends. Or they assume that their partner fancies every other woman he gets on with, which means there is no trust so the relationship is doomed anyway.

Spacebowlisback · 28/12/2019 01:04

And that’s fine. But if your friend then lied to his girlfriend about meeting you, would you come onto MN to spend hours dissecting it? Or would you think, Ah fuck it. Not my circus. He’s a mate and they’ll sort it.

MistyCloud · 28/12/2019 01:13

@PyongyangKipperbang don't be so bloody obtuse. I never said all women think their man fancies every female friend they have (or every female they meet!)

I said most women are FINE with their partner having female friends, but not the type like the OP, who fancies her male partner, LOVES the attention, loves the drama she causes, and the fact it bothers his wife, (and the fact their 'friendship' is making this male friend lie to his wife...) Don't deny there are women like this because there are.

The fact you say "I am waiting for the day that his new GF says she doesnt want him to meet up with me" rings alarm bells. Bet you're dying for that to happen I suppose, so you can crow about how 'jealous' your male friend's girlfriend is, and how she is sooooo insecure about your friendship with her man. Hmm

As I said, if a woman is unhappy about a certain female friend of her partner's, there is usually a very good reason for that. Wink

sproutsgalore · 28/12/2019 01:16

I have quite a lot of platonic male friends, some of whom are really good mates and we get on like a house on fire. I might have a coffee and a chat with one one or other during the day (shared hobby, and at some event or other), but would I go for 'drinks' with any of the married ones? Not in a million years.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 28/12/2019 01:16

I have had a few very good male friends in the 20 years I've been with my husband. He only ever had a problem with 1 of them. He has had lots of female friends. I've only ever had a problem with one of them. I don't think everyone woman fancies my husband!!! I also don't think he fancies every woman he meets. But I know being married didn't render him blind, and I do know he will have been attracted to others at different points over the last 20 years.

Women in general tend not to be stupid. Women also tend to sense when something is a little off. Especially with someone you know intimately. You sense something is a bit off, OP. His wife knows him more intimately than you do and she also senses something a bit off. Yet she's being made out to be controlling and irrational, for sensing the same thing that you sense..?

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/12/2019 01:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/12/2019 01:46

@MistyCloud

The fact you say "I am waiting for the day that his new GF says she doesnt want him to meet up with me" rings alarm bells. Bet you're dying for that to happen I suppose, so you can crow about how 'jealous' your male friend's girlfriend is, and how she is sooooo insecure about your friendship with her man.

As I said, says more about you than me that you made that assumption because at no point would I want that to happen.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/12/2019 01:47

Apologies for the mistaken post, fat fingers

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/12/2019 01:50

And my I add, the fact that you refer to my friend as "her man" speaks volumes.

stophuggingme · 28/12/2019 02:26

@DahliaDell if you were in love with your husband this thread wouldn’t exist, at least not in the very specific way you have quite purposefully set about constructing it.

Your whole attitude reeks of artifice and feigned “who, why little old me?” but the uglier truth lurking underneath is still there: you get a thrill from all of this, you are ( not so ) secretly delighted at the potential it all has to make you feel special and set apart from another woman. The degree of investment you have put into this - so much so that instead of discussing it with your husband and also bring decent and straight with your “friend” you started this discussion - tells many of us exactly who you are and what you want. Don’t insult others’ intelligence. Grow up.

OLDquestion · 28/12/2019 08:14

My ex was friendly with a business contact. He did a lot of work in her house and she was always phoning him and asking him over for cups of tea. She apparently used to waft about in her nightdress. To this day I don’t know if anything happened between them, but I do know that she wanted him. I hated her.

It’s not your friendship with this man you should be worrying about, but his marriage. It’s possible to be straight with your friend about the possible lie, and to ask him to tell his wife the truth about your meet up. She deserves complete honesty from him.

ferrier · 28/12/2019 08:51

Gosh this thread has taken a weird turn - so many very quick to pounce on OP.
I should imagine those posters don't have any platonic friends of the opposite sex.
I maintain the position that, ahead of the next time all four meet up, OP needs to find out what's going on and make clear to her friend that she can't be responsible for keeping meetings covered up.

MintyMabel · 28/12/2019 09:18

I’m friends with a couple of exes. Their wives don’t like us meeting up. Frankly that is up to my exes to deal with.

These are guys I have known for over thirty years, there is absolutely no chance of anything happening, they are exes for a reason. I’m not going to lose friendships over someone else’s insecurity.

MintyMabel · 28/12/2019 09:19

It’s not your friendship with this man you should be worrying about, but his marriage.

Why the fuck does she need to worry about his marriage? 🙄

stophuggingme · 28/12/2019 09:24

@ferrier it’s not really about whether you have friendships with the opposite sex but whether you use them as a vehicle for attention or speculation in the manner the OP is doing

OLDquestion · 28/12/2019 09:30

Not worry about his marriage as such, but honesty to his wife trumps keeping a friendship going IMO. So if I were the OP I would ask my friend directly whether his wife knew that we had met up.

Can’t imagine a situation like this but if a friend of mine was lying to his wife (by omission or directly) in order to meet up with me, I would be mortified.

ukgift2016 · 28/12/2019 09:42

YOU don't fancy your friend but he most likely fancies YOU.

The wife is threatened by you, and it most likely is not to do with you but with her husband feelings.

I have a male friend, since we got partner we always meet up within our couples. I cannot imagine sneaking behind his girlfriend back to go see him alone. What are you getting out of this? Some sort of thrill?

If and when the wife finds out you will be cut out for good and your male friend will have to make a choice.

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