Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Male friend and secret meeting

190 replies

DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 21:23

I have a male friend, an ex-colleague, and we’re very close. Both married with children. His wife is unsure about me and for a long time we weren’t allowed to meet without her there, to reassure her.

I recently contacted my friend to meet up in the day for coffee. I didn’t want him to feel awkward saying he couldn’t meet me for a drink. So we arranged a day to meet. The day before he contacted me to arrange the time and he changed it to the evening. I was surprised because I knew that she wouldn’t like it but it was the first time we have met alone in over a year. So we met up and it was great.

Now we’re trying to arrange our next catch up but this time with the families. However, he’s being a bit evasive. I know him really well and I’m 99% sure that he met me in secret without telling her but has now dug himself a hole because what if I mention it.

What should I do? Do I leave it? Ask him? Cover for him?

OP posts:
Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 23:53

Sorry @nokidshere - you were quoting.

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 23:53

I suspect that when we first became friends he chatted a lot about me at home because we had a lot in common and lots of strange coincidences: same home town miles away, same unusual hobby, same views, same unusual tastes, same past experiences. And hearing all that probably got her back up. I totally understand that. But we are just friends.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 27/12/2019 23:54

@Spacebowlisback They wouldn’t @nokidshere because the statistics don’t reflected a likelihood that would be the case

They wouldn't what?

Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 23:55

I mean superior to his wife...

You haven’t addressed whether you know that you’re attracted to one another. I imagine he flirts. Does he know that you find him attractive? And has he told you the same?

Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 23:55

Ignore me @nokidshere I’m getting my posters mixed up.

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 23:55

You already are by not asking in the first place and by worrying whether you might 'drop him in it' when you meet up as families.
I see that. That’s why I wanted some advice. As I say, I didn’t ask him about the meeting because I didn’t want to embarrass him. I should have asked.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/12/2019 23:58

To be honest, you're really coming across (to me anyway) as though you're loving the thought that the pair of them might argue over whether he fancies you or not.

Like it gives you a little 'boost' to think she might see you as a threat to her marriage.

Do you have low self-esteem? Is there any part of you that wishes you got more attention from men in general?

nokidshere · 27/12/2019 23:58

Well then DahliaDell your next text to him should be just that. "Did x know you were coming to meet me the other night"

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 23:58

I mean superior to his wife...
I don’t think that way about people. I don’t think I’m better than anybody else.

You haven’t addressed whether you know that you’re attracted to one another.
I have no idea how he feels about me.

I imagine he flirts.
He doesn’t flirt.

Does he know that you find him attractive?
I don’t think I said I find him attractive.

And has he told you the same?
He once or twice said that he thinks that I’m beautiful but not as in that’s his view. As in objectively he thinks that.

OP posts:
Original poster
DahliaDell · 28/12/2019 00:00

I hate getting attention from men. I get a reasonable amount and I don’t enjoy it. I find it awkward and embarrassing and I hope that they’re not going to say or do anything.

OP posts:
Spacebowlisback · 28/12/2019 00:00

You said, He’s an attractive man. I’m not going to deny it.

Original poster
DahliaDell · 28/12/2019 00:01

It was a few weeks ago now. I think it would look weird if I suddenly texted that.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/12/2019 00:01

I have no idea how he feels about me - Well you should because he's your friend.

I don’t think I said I find him attractive - Why aren't you sure? You don't 'think', rather than "I don't find him attractive"?

I'm going with my first thought here...that you're loving the thought of causing a rift between them.

Original poster
DahliaDell · 28/12/2019 00:01

I mean he’s got a nice face. Not that I fancy him.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/12/2019 00:02

I hate getting attention from men. I get a reasonable amount and I don’t enjoy it. I find it awkward and embarrassing and I hope that they’re not going to say or do anything.

Aye

Spacebowlisback · 28/12/2019 00:02

Yeah I think I’ve heard enough. And I think you know exactly what’s going on here.

He is married. As are you. Very little leaves more in its wake than this. It needs to stop.

I would love to hear the wife’s side of things.

Wilmalovescake · 28/12/2019 00:03

There’s no point in this thread, because you think you’re being clever by refusing to be properly honest about your feelings for him, but all it actually means is you aren’t getting the advice you really need.

I think you just wanted an excuse to talk about him.

stellabelle · 28/12/2019 00:04

If your husband had a friend and was lying about her to you, I'm sure you'd feel horrible. Don't do this to another woman , please.

Spacebowlisback · 28/12/2019 00:04

Also, a guy that likes submissive women and lies to his wife? Why do you want to be his friend anyway? Sounds like a massive dick.

Original poster
DahliaDell · 28/12/2019 00:05

I’m not trying to be clever. He’s a great guy. I like him very much. I even love him as a friend. We’re both married. Nothing is ever going to happen between us. I’m just trying to ensure that our friendship doesn’t get ruined by a silly lie.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 28/12/2019 00:05

"I haven’t posted about this before."

You absolutely have. More than once.

Spacebowlisback · 28/12/2019 00:06

That is absolutely not what’s going on here. And you’re not a great actress so yes, his wife sniffed this out a long time ago.

CoffeeCoinneseur · 28/12/2019 00:06

I know I can be a bit of a drama queen

I can be melodramatic

I hate getting attention from men. I get a reasonable amount and I don’t enjoy it

The more you post the more you contradict yourself.

Even this thread is about giving it oxygen, the thought that he might fancy you, the sneaking around, getting one over on his wife.

You love the drama.

beautifulstranger101 · 28/12/2019 00:07

Also, a guy that likes submissive women and lies to his wife? Why do you want to be his friend anyway? Sounds like a massive dick.

I agree- plus telling the OP she's beautiful (objectively, of course!)
Yuk- what a dick

Spacebowlisback · 28/12/2019 00:07

Objectively meaning... that it’s not just him that thinks it, it’s a universal truth!