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Original poster

Male friend and secret meeting

190 replies

DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 21:23

I have a male friend, an ex-colleague, and we’re very close. Both married with children. His wife is unsure about me and for a long time we weren’t allowed to meet without her there, to reassure her.

I recently contacted my friend to meet up in the day for coffee. I didn’t want him to feel awkward saying he couldn’t meet me for a drink. So we arranged a day to meet. The day before he contacted me to arrange the time and he changed it to the evening. I was surprised because I knew that she wouldn’t like it but it was the first time we have met alone in over a year. So we met up and it was great.

Now we’re trying to arrange our next catch up but this time with the families. However, he’s being a bit evasive. I know him really well and I’m 99% sure that he met me in secret without telling her but has now dug himself a hole because what if I mention it.

What should I do? Do I leave it? Ask him? Cover for him?

OP posts:
Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 23:36

If we had both got hideously drunk and started dating then it wouldn’t have worked. We’re not compatible. I’m probably too intense for him. He likes an easy life. He likes a submissive partner. I’m not very submissive.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 27/12/2019 23:37

I was surprised because I knew that she wouldn’t like it but it was the first time we have met alone in over a year. So we met up and it was great.

You were surprised and knew she wouldn't like it but didn't ask him? If he is such a good friend wouldn't you have just said "was X ok about us meeting in the evening"?

Now we’re trying to arrange our next catch up but this time with the families. However, he’s being a bit evasive. I know him really well and I’m 99% sure that he met me in secret without telling her but has now dug himself a hole because what if I mention it.

The fact that he is being evasive means you already know the answer to that. Why would you want to meet up with someone who lies to his wife about you? That's just bizarre in itself. If DH didn't want me to meet a friend for no real reason I would still tell him I was going to meet them.

If you get together families and you are having to watch what you say then you have already crossed a line.

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 23:38

He’s an attractive man. I’m not going to deny it. I enjoy his company very much. I consider him to be one of my best friends. If I had 5 lives running in parallel would I fancy him in one of them? Perhaps.

OP posts:
Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 23:38

Okay so in reality it wouldn’t work. Which explains why you’ve developed this dynamic.

You both know the reality wouldn’t live up to the idea, but you’re attracted enough to eachother that the lingering prospect of it is exciting and is in no small part fuelling your relationship.

beautifulstranger101 · 27/12/2019 23:40

He likes a submissive partner??? yet he's scared of telling his wife he met up with you for an innocent drink and is probably lying? and is now being evasive to stop her finding out?
She doesnt sound very "submissive" to me

Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 23:40

And if you’re honest enough with yourself, you know that that is not a factor of a platonic relationship.

It’s also why you’re up at midnight talking to strangers about him.

And his wife will have sensed all of this. It’s as old as the hills.

heyjoeyitsestelle · 27/12/2019 23:40

The more you describe why you couldn't be together- the less platonic you make the relationship seem.

Normal answers to that question-
No I don't fancy him
No I don't think of him in that way

ferrier · 27/12/2019 23:42

I would have no problem with your friendship with this guy.
But it seems like the wife does or at least this guy thinks his wife does.
You have two options I think.

  1. Just go along with it including the subterfuge but warn this guy that although you'll do your best you take no responsibility if it gets out, either through a slip of the tongue on your or dh's part or by some other method.
  2. Insist he tells his wife.
I don't think you can just sweep it under the carpet.
Shalom20 · 27/12/2019 23:43

Oh dear, I think everyone sees where this is going. You will certainly cause problems in their marriage if things like this start to happen. For the sake of peace and being respectful, its best to cool off this friendship.

Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 23:43

Also, asserting yourself as non submissive so it wouldn’t work is a little like framing yourself as superior. I assume you’ve told him in the past that he couldn’t handle you.

beautifulstranger101 · 27/12/2019 23:43

Yeah, you totally fancy this dude.

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 23:44

Yes he seems scared of her. I don’t really understand why. He likes an easy life and doesn’t want to rock the boat.

OP posts:
Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 23:45

He’s not scared of her. He’s scared that’s she right.

Branster · 27/12/2019 23:46

Bottom line: if he really is a good friend of yours and you really care about him then, given the circumstances, you’d make absolutely sure he told his wife about your meeting and you’d make absolutely sure you’re meeting during day time not in the evening because you wouldn’t want to be the cause of him having an argument with his wife or get any hassle because of you/meeting you. You’d be looking out for him because he’s a friend and you’d want him to have an harmonious relationship with his wife because that’s good for him.

Witchend · 27/12/2019 23:46

Is there anything between you .... on either side?
Do you mean have we kissed or expressed feelings? No.

To me that says it all.
You didn't answer the question. You answered it like a politician- that is answering the bit you can answer truthfully, but not the actual question, because you don't want to.
If the answer was that you didn't think there was anything between you, you would have said just a plain "no".

I can see why the dw doesn't want you to meet. And if you normally meet as families, why do you feel the need to meet up just you two?

It comes across as if you don't think there are feelings between you, you hope there will be.

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 23:47

I haven’t said he couldn’t handle me.

I like him very much as a friend. I have a lot of respect for him. What I mean is that I know I can be a bit of a drama queen and he would hate that. I can be melodramatic but he likes a quiet easy life.

I in no way feel superior to him. I see him as my complete equal.

OP posts:
MashedSpud · 27/12/2019 23:47

You’ve posted a simple question here to discuss him. You fancy him and love talking about him.

YappityYapYap · 27/12/2019 23:48

His wife is controlling. I very much doubt everyone would be giving the advice they are giving if a woman wasn't allowed out to meet her friend - male or female because her husband said so. His wife has no basis for her dislike, she is insecure and paranoid. I could understand if she came across flirty messages or you were horrible to her but it doesn't sound like this has happened.

I wouldn't aid him though. He needs to stand up for himself and say he can choose who he wants as friends and unless she has a valid reason for being 'unsure' she needs to accept things.

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 23:48

I don’t fancy him. I don’t want anything to happen with him. I can appreciate that he’s a great guy but he’s not my guy.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 27/12/2019 23:50

His wife is controlling. I very much doubt everyone would be giving the advice they are giving if a woman wasn't allowed out to meet her friend - male or female because her husband said so. His wife has no basis for her dislike, she is insecure and paranoid. I could understand if she came across flirty messages or you were horrible to her but it doesn't sound like this has happened.

The thing is we don't know why she doesn't like it, we only know what the OP is telling us. There could be any number of reasons why this particular friendship is a problem for her

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 23:50

I think he didn’t tell her because he wanted an easy life and didn’t want a massive debate about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 23:50

I’m not going to aid him.

OP posts:
Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 23:52

They wouldn’t @nokidshere because the statistics don’t reflected a likelihood that would be the case.

mrswx · 27/12/2019 23:52

Were yous friends before either of yous got married?

nokidshere · 27/12/2019 23:52

I’m not going to aid him

You already are by not asking in the first place and by worrying whether you might 'drop him in it' when you meet up as families