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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Male friend and secret meeting

190 replies

DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 21:23

I have a male friend, an ex-colleague, and we’re very close. Both married with children. His wife is unsure about me and for a long time we weren’t allowed to meet without her there, to reassure her.

I recently contacted my friend to meet up in the day for coffee. I didn’t want him to feel awkward saying he couldn’t meet me for a drink. So we arranged a day to meet. The day before he contacted me to arrange the time and he changed it to the evening. I was surprised because I knew that she wouldn’t like it but it was the first time we have met alone in over a year. So we met up and it was great.

Now we’re trying to arrange our next catch up but this time with the families. However, he’s being a bit evasive. I know him really well and I’m 99% sure that he met me in secret without telling her but has now dug himself a hole because what if I mention it.

What should I do? Do I leave it? Ask him? Cover for him?

OP posts:
Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 22:35

VenusTiger we normally meet as 2 families. I thought a daytime coffee was a safe enough prospect for 2 friends who like each other. It was him who changed it to drinks and then possibly got secretive about it. When I suggested coffee I presumed he would tell her about it.

OP posts:
Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 22:35

There was a thread a lot like this a few months ago. Have you posted this before OP?

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 22:36

I haven’t posted about this before.

OP posts:
Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 22:39

I’m not interested in finding out whether or not he has feelings for me. I’m interested in being friends and I need advice on how to handle this potential tricky situation. I suppose I let him lead on the next family get together and when we meet I won’t mention the recent drinks. But now I feel like I am doing something wrong when I haven’t done anything.

OP posts:
Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 22:40

I think that most people wouldn’t overanalyse a friendship like this and you should just go on as you were. Why would it come up anyway?

Lifeisabeach09 · 27/12/2019 22:40

Platonic or not, respect his wife and stop encouraging meeting up with someone it will cause problems for.

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 22:43

Lifeisabeach09, would you give up your female best friend if her husband didn’t like your friendship? Or would you stop seeing a sibling if your husband didn’t like it?

OP posts:
Christmaspug · 27/12/2019 22:45

Nice bit of excitement for u ,life a bit dull is it at mo ...yeah it gets like that sometimes,he’s someone else’s man...walk away and leave their marriage in one piece,you can’t be that desperate for a friend..she is suspicious of you ,and with good reasons clearly

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 22:45

Why would it come up anyway?
It could easily come up because we chatted for hours about recent life events. So I would need to act like they were a surprise if we hadn’t met.

It may seem like I’m overanalysing but I’m an overthinker so all these thoughts swirl around in my head.

OP posts:
Bluebutterfly90 · 27/12/2019 22:46

I mean, he probably lied about it to his wife.
I wouldn't want to be sneaking around to see a friend. You guys have been meeting with families before, perhaps you should try and get to know his wife to make her feel more comfortable.
Either way you should be clear that you DON'T want to be a dirty secret. And if you do, then I don't blame his wife for being suspicious! Hmm

Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 22:47

You wouldn’t. You’d know straight away in that case that she didn’t know and you’d amend your behaviour.

If he doesn’t counter something she says with, “Oh yeah, I told her on Tuesday” and you get the eyebrows, then you know.

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 22:47

Christmaspug, are you on the right thread? What have I done wrong in your view?

OP posts:
mediumbrownmug · 27/12/2019 22:47

Your friendship is weird, sorry. I’m married and have friends, as does DH, but neither of us would over analyze it like this. If he’s lied to his wife, that’s between the two of them and I certainly wouldn’t fee it was “tricky” or be on mumsnet wondering about it. If I felt 99% sure that my friend was lying about our friendship, male or female, I wouldn’t have a ton of interest in continuing that kind of drama, tbh. Good luck OP. Sounds like you’ll need it.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 27/12/2019 22:48

I’m not interested in finding out whether or not he has feelings for me

Why not? Surely if he does then that changes the dynamic of your friendship and you are in a very different "friendship" to what you think you are.

And for context, I have had numerous male friends over the years that my husband never had issue with. The only male friend he ever had a problem with was a friend who proved to have stronger feelings for me than just friendship.

Maybe his wife doesn't have a problem with any other female friends, maybe it's just you...

missperegrinespeculiar · 27/12/2019 22:49

I can't believe people are saying she should give up her friend because his wife is jealous! OP has repeatedly said that their friendship is platonic and nothing ever happened, maybe the guy lied because he is sick of his jealous, controlling wife? why assume the wife is necessarily right?

Christmaspug · 27/12/2019 22:50

You can choose to stop this ..you don’t need to meet him with out her .she has made it clear how she feels ,she does not want you alone with her husband,why can u not respect that?

Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 22:50

Also, if you really are close mates (albeit with weird secrets) just ask. You’ve obviously both forged a degree of intimacy around his wildly irrational wife so what’s stopping you?

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 22:51

I enjoy chatting to him. If it turned out that he had feelings for me then it would be difficult because we’re both married. If he had feelings then I’m sure they would pass and we could continue being friends and no one gets hurt.

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 27/12/2019 22:52

OP, now he is your best friend but you only "thinks he likes you"? You don't sound like you have a long best-friend history with this man.

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 22:52

Thanks missperegrinespeculiar

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 27/12/2019 22:53

I don't know why people are responding as though you've done something sneaky- it sounds like you've done your level best to accommodate his wife's feelings, and it's not like you see each their very often.

Just ask him if he mentioned it to her. If he says no, I think you're entitled to be a bit cross.

Christmaspug · 27/12/2019 22:53

I know op ...show this thread your husband,and ask his advice see what he thinks ..

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 22:53

I know he likes me. We wouldn’t be friends if he didn’t like me. I was being modest.

OP posts:
Bluebutterfly90 · 27/12/2019 22:54

I dont think OP should stop being friends with the guy. I do think the man in this situation shouldn't be intentionally crossing a boundary his wife has set (even if I think it's not particularly reasonable) and that if it comes out that she has been doing that with him, its bound to cause a problem in her friends marriage. Surely that's not something to aim for.

tikitent · 27/12/2019 22:54

Sounds like the wife has reason to not like you as you sound like a total attention seeker who loves the fact that he hid your meeting from her.

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