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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Male friend and secret meeting

190 replies

DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 21:23

I have a male friend, an ex-colleague, and we’re very close. Both married with children. His wife is unsure about me and for a long time we weren’t allowed to meet without her there, to reassure her.

I recently contacted my friend to meet up in the day for coffee. I didn’t want him to feel awkward saying he couldn’t meet me for a drink. So we arranged a day to meet. The day before he contacted me to arrange the time and he changed it to the evening. I was surprised because I knew that she wouldn’t like it but it was the first time we have met alone in over a year. So we met up and it was great.

Now we’re trying to arrange our next catch up but this time with the families. However, he’s being a bit evasive. I know him really well and I’m 99% sure that he met me in secret without telling her but has now dug himself a hole because what if I mention it.

What should I do? Do I leave it? Ask him? Cover for him?

OP posts:
Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 22:54

Just ask him if he mentioned it to her. If he says no, I think you're entitled to be a bit cross.
Good plan. Thanks.

OP posts:
Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 22:54

I have never attributed this much analysis to such small-scale action of a person I wasn’t infatuated with.

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 22:57

I know op ...show this thread your husband,and ask his advice see what he thinks ..
I have already discussed it with my husband. As I say, it’s a platonic friendship. My husband thinks the wife is just jealous and I should continue to be friends with him and not pander to it. My husband has female friends and I don’t have an issue with him meeting them.

OP posts:
Tartyflette · 27/12/2019 22:57

You say you normally meet as two families - is this how your friendship with him started? And then you and he began to meet up separately, just the two of you? Because that would be less, er, usual. And possibly concerning.
Or were you friends with him first, just the two of you, and you both started to bring your families to some of the meetings?

Christmaspug · 27/12/2019 22:57

So show him the thread then

Wilmalovescake · 27/12/2019 22:58

Nah, you have romantic feelings for him.

Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 22:58

@tarty they were colleagues. The others are there to chaperone.

beautifulstranger101 · 27/12/2019 22:58

You need to leave this alone. Whatever shenanigans he's pulling are nothing do with you and I really would stay well out of this. The last thing you want is to be dragged into their marital conflict.

I would not suggest meeting again and I'd just leave it. If he really wants to meet up as friends let him suggest it. You went a year before without meeting up so its not as if you guys are super close and relying on each other for emotional support is it? Leave this well alone.

Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 22:59

Why couldn’t he just bring his wife without outing her? What else do you know about her insecurities and their history?

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 22:59

We were friends first. He thought that I would get on well with his wife so introduced us. Same with him and my husband. Then the children met. All the while we continued to be friends and talk separately of any family/couples gatherings.

OP posts:
Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 23:00

Does she know that you know how controlling and manipulative she is and that she’s jealous? Or is that a secret too?

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 23:00

So show him the thread then
Why? I don’t need to as I have already discussed it with him. I genuinely don’t understand what you think I have done wrong.

OP posts:
FeigningHorror · 27/12/2019 23:01

Bring it up directly with him. Ask him why he’s being evasive about a general meeting with your families, and whether this is because he met you in secret and wants to conceal it — of course, you’re not responsible for his wife’s unfounded suspicions, but neither are you his dirty little friendship secret.

I mean, I’m baffled by people vetoing one another’s’ friendships anyway, but I certainly wouldn’t want all this unnecessary drama in a friendship.

Bluebutterfly90 · 27/12/2019 23:02

Just curious OP. If the wife has been uncomfortable about you two meeting, how come you didnt ask when you saw him?
Probably would have been something to mention, if she had gotten over her jealousy or not.

LL83 · 27/12/2019 23:03

If you suspect he lied then don't mention it unless wife directly asks. You dont have to act surprised when recent life events come up just dont say "yeah I know" unlikely you would do that anyway.

It is his choice to lie to wife. Maybe she is suspicious because he is untrustworthy or maybe she is controlling. Surely as his best friend you have a sense of which it is?

Also male/female friendships only work if partners are secure about it. So if you really want to remain friends work on that, be her friend too.

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 23:03

I don’t think she’s controlling or manipulative at all. I’m really surprised at the bashing I’m getting for not feeling comfortable about lying to my friend’s wife. Goodness knows what you would say if something had actually happened. Have I posted on the wrong board? Genuine question.

OP posts:
Tartyflette · 27/12/2019 23:04

Sorry, I really though I'd read the full thread but clearly missed that bit. Post Xmas fatigue.
BitofFun 's suggestion is the way to go.

Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 23:05

I think it’s the fact that you’ve posted at all that’s set alarm bells ringing. There’s a whiff of a hidden agenda here that speaks to years of subconscious female experience and that’s why you’re getting this response.

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 23:05

Just curious OP. If the wife has been uncomfortable about you two meeting, how come you didnt ask when you saw him? Probably would have been something to mention, if she had gotten over her jealousy or not.
That’s a very good question. I think it’s because I didn’t want to embarrass him by bringing it up. When he first told me he was very embarrassed. Also we were having a light hearted fun chat. I didn’t want to make it heavy and serious.

OP posts:
Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 23:06

And if you can heart of heart say (to yourself is fine) that you don’t want him to fancy you, then I offer a full apology.

beautifulstranger101 · 27/12/2019 23:09

OP- I dont think you've done anything wrong at all.

But if I was you and I suspected he had lied, I would really back off because I would not want to be dragged into their marital issues. You only meet up once a year- its not like you're best buddies

Fishfingersandwichplease · 27/12/2019 23:10

One of my male friends and l met for a drink once - he asked me not to mention it to his gf at the time cos if she knew l was there she would have wanted to come and he just wanted a night out with his mate (me). I only knew her cos she was going out with him so my loyalty was to him and we had a lovely evening. But the twat got drunk and told her we had been out all night so proper dropped himself in it cos he said he had been out with the lads from work. If it was my husband l would rather he said where he was - the lying would annoy me more than him being out with someone he has been mates with for longer than we have been together. Aorry totally not answered your question but sometimes you just want night out with ya mate!

MrsSchadenfreude · 27/12/2019 23:11

I have a male friend that I’ve known all my life. We’ve both been happily married to other people for over 25 years. His wife can’t stand me. I have no idea why - there has never been anything between us. So it’s just easier if we meet up and he doesn’t tell her. We’ve tried going out with our other halves, and she is quite rude to me - sickly sweet at first and then vile. I don’t see why I should throw away a friendship of 50 years because she can’t cope with him having a female friend.

Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 23:12

Just for reference. If you:

Are private messaging each other during time he might otherwise spend with his wife.

Have private jokes you actively nurture to promote intimacy.

Know things about his wife that are very personal and she wouldn’t want you to know.

Then you have both crossed a line.

BitOfFun · 27/12/2019 23:12

As for you posting here setting off alarm bells...really? There are people on mumsnet who can't even get dressed without consulting AIBU!