Male friend and secret meeting

[DahliaDell]

I have a male friend, an ex-colleague, and we’re very close. Both married with children. His wife is unsure about me and for a long time we weren’t allowed to meet without her there, to reassure her.

I recently contacted my friend to meet up in the day for coffee. I didn’t want him to feel awkward saying he couldn’t meet me for a drink. So we arranged a day to meet. The day before he contacted me to arrange the time and he changed it to the evening. I was surprised because I knew that she wouldn’t like it but it was the first time we have met alone in over a year. So we met up and it was great.

Now we’re trying to arrange our next catch up but this time with the families. However, he’s being a bit evasive. I know him really well and I’m 99% sure that he met me in secret without telling her but has now dug himself a hole because what if I mention it.

What should I do? Do I leave it? Ask him? Cover for him?

I can understand why his wife doesn't like you both meeting up alone. I bet the bad vibes she's getting from you are screaming and you come across as loving it. I think her instincts are right. Her husband fancies you and you love the game.
I bet they've argued about you because she knows how he feels about you

Well, maybe his wife is a control freak and he still wants to be able to have platonic female friends regardless.

Or maybe he fancies OP. I’ve seen both scenarios.

Looking at the posts in this thread, you can get a sample of the things that cross through people’s minds when you are meeting someone’s husband in secret. It may be totally innocent but the plain truth is you both need to spare your partners of the potential effects of the likely gossip.

Personally I think it is selfish to continue a friendship you know causes his wife so much grief and to meet in private knowing his wife disapproves. I believe couples shouldn't dictate each other's relationships but I wont impose that on someone by secretly meeting with their spouse when they are not happy about it. You have no way of knowing where her trust issues come from. He could have behaved similarly with someone he did have an affair with and is exhibiting those behaviours again. Whether her response is rational or not is not for you to question. I wouldn't participate in something that is knowingly making someone unhappy

You have no way of knowing where her trust issues come from. He could have behaved similarly with someone he did have an affair with and is exhibiting those behaviours again

This is so so true. Everyone is assuming she's "controlling" but we have no idea what this guy has got up to in the past- he's hardly going to go around shouting about betraying his wife and thats why she doesnt like him meeting up with female friends is he? None of us know what goes on behind closed doors. He could be a complete scumbag behind the scenes for all we know. If he likes "submissive" women its not out of the realms of possibility. People only show you what they want to show you.

If his wife doesn't mind about his other female friends, but has a problem with this friendship then there's a reason. Something is telling her this isn't like his other friendships. If she was jealous, controlling (Although I don't understand how she can be accused of this on one hand, and then be described as "submissive".. But hey! A lot of what is being said is contradictory and doesn't add up) then she would have a problem with ALL female friends. She doesn't. Just this one.

I have only ever been wary of one female friend of my husband, and it turns out I had very good reason. People are always told to trust their gut. This woman has a gut feeling about you. She doesn't have a gut feeling about his other friends.

People reading your posts are also seeing something that you are trying too hard to state otherwise.

Well don't mention meeting him for a drink then, and make sure your husband doesn't mention it either. Though you obviously want her to know about it! Your making a big deal about nothing

You are jeopardising his marriage and his wifes feelings

Well, not really. He might be though, NoMore.

This thread has some real similarities to at least 2 previous posts I can think of.

Special friend
Wife that doesn't like you
Keen interest in mutual unusual hobby
Feeling of op being beautiful and a competition to the wife.

Sorry if I'm wrong op but I just get the feeling this isn't all you would have us think

OP, I have been where you are. Believe me when I say this; you are into him and he's into you. You might not think so. Day to day, you push those feelings down and enjoy each others company platonically but it's there, simmering away beneath the surface.

I was in an almost identical situation. A friend/colleague who'd meet me in secret, wouldn't tell his wife as she was jealous and controlling (not just with me though, with any female). There was a bit of an attraction there but I told myself it was nothing I couldn't handle. Minimal flirting, even. If we went out for drinks (as a group of work colleagues) there might be more noticeable sexual tension between us but otherwise nothing except the usual friendly chatter and enjoying each other's company. Then, one night out we ended up kissing. We allowed ourselves to end up alone together and it just happened.

I'm telling you because it sounds so much like my situation. Looking back on what happened now, it seems almost inevitable. I allowed myself to get sucked in deeper and told myself we didn't fancy each other but we did. In hindsight, I enjoyed the attention and wanted to seem cooler and more fun than his controlling wife and I wanted to talk about him with anyone that would listen!

@ihavedonethisbefore do you think the wife was being labelled as controlling by her DH because of what you two were getting up to in secret?

@venustiger No, I don't believe so. We were friends for about 6 years before anything happened and colleagues for around a year before that. It was common knowledge at work that his wife was very jealous and insecure even before our friendship occurred.

Avoid him. Even if you don’t want more, he may, his wife doesn’t like the two of you meeting . Perhaps he has a reputation. Leave it, there are plenty more people to befriend.

OP I think you should read "Not 'Just Friends"
by Shirley Glass (Author).
Good luck.