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Original poster

Male friend and secret meeting

190 replies

DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 21:23

I have a male friend, an ex-colleague, and we’re very close. Both married with children. His wife is unsure about me and for a long time we weren’t allowed to meet without her there, to reassure her.

I recently contacted my friend to meet up in the day for coffee. I didn’t want him to feel awkward saying he couldn’t meet me for a drink. So we arranged a day to meet. The day before he contacted me to arrange the time and he changed it to the evening. I was surprised because I knew that she wouldn’t like it but it was the first time we have met alone in over a year. So we met up and it was great.

Now we’re trying to arrange our next catch up but this time with the families. However, he’s being a bit evasive. I know him really well and I’m 99% sure that he met me in secret without telling her but has now dug himself a hole because what if I mention it.

What should I do? Do I leave it? Ask him? Cover for him?

OP posts:
Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 23:13

We’re close friends. We meet up with families every couple of months. We text every week.

OP posts:
Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 23:13

Yeah but they don’t secretly want to have sex with the coat hangers.

FirsttimeTTC · 27/12/2019 23:13

I think you should just mention it in conversation! If it is truly platonic then she is the one with the problem. I never understand why people get so funny when their partners have friends of the opposite gender? If you really don’t trust your partner enough to be friends with someone from the opposite sex, you shouldn’t be together

Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 23:14

@MrsSchadenfreude Did you post about that once? Is it your post I’m thinking of?

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 23:15

Are private messaging each other during time he might otherwise spend with his wife.
No. We text in the day time.

Have private jokes you actively nurture to promote intimacy.
I don’t think so.

Know things about his wife that are very personal and she wouldn’t want you to know.
We rarely talk about her.

OP posts:
beautifulstranger101 · 27/12/2019 23:17

Ok well then your options here are to keep meeting up with him in secret and when you meet as a group you'll have to remember not to mention it, and so will your husband in order to keep up the lie.
But personally, I couldn't be doing with that nonsense.

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 23:17

I think you should just mention it in conversation! If it is truly platonic then she is the one with the problem.
Maybe but I really value his friendship. If I say something and it turns out he met me in secret them presumably she’ll ban him from seeing me again!

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 27/12/2019 23:18

Spaceball Grin. Ouch!

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 23:19

I don’t want to ask my friend about it because I really don’t want to know if he lied to her about it. I think I will just pretend everything is normal.

OP posts:
Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 23:21

If you really don’t fancy him... then you’ve done nothing wrong but you should definitely ask. He’s the one who shared the information about the caveats of your friendship so it shouldn’t be awkward to ask.

If you get a little thrill when he says that he didn’t tell her, you’ve got some serious soul searching to do.

I never understand it when women get paranoid without reason. Because there is so often a reason. And if he continues to lie to her about you, of course she’s paranoid. Meeting you trumps her trust. That sucks for her.

Savingshoes · 27/12/2019 23:21

You haven't been dishonest with your husband or his wife, he has.
You have been more than accommodating to his wife's insecurities about your friendship and didn't not invite her, he did.
I doubt if it was a friendship between the same sex you really wouldn't be questioning yours/their motives, regardless of whether their partner was happy with your friendship.
You have done nothing to be ashamed of. If he choses to lie to his wife, that's his funeral but I would say to him that it puts you in a compromising position... if he gets asked to choose between his friend and his family he is almost certainly likely to choose them over you and he's put both you and him in that situation.

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 27/12/2019 23:22

I thought a daytime coffee was a safe enough prospect for 2 friends who like each other.

Bit of a Freudian slip, no? I would hope that two friends like each other as they are, well, friends Confused

mrswx · 27/12/2019 23:22

Does your husband know you met each other?
Because if you had to cover for your friend so would he. And I presume if you have to pretend you don't know about things which male friend has already told you, so will your husband - as I would imagine you mentioned some things to him? And surely telling your husband not to mention anything to male friends wife would make him question why.

FirsttimeTTC · 27/12/2019 23:23

In that case, I’d definitely ask him if she knew. And if he says he lied to her, then ask him why. He could probably do with someone to talk about it to. And you can use that opportunity to explain that youre not totally comfortable with being caught up in his lies and just say, moving forward maybe we can just meet up as families?
are you his only female friend? If not, is she like this with his other friends?

Not sure why everyone is making out you’re doing something so awful.. you were totally honest with your husband about meeting up with your friend!

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 23:25

My husband knows that we met. He has no problem with it. Yes, there’s a good chance that he could say, “Oh yes, Dahlia said you guys were going on holiday to Jamaica”. And reference my conversation from the possibly secret drink.

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 27/12/2019 23:27

@Spacebowl - I may have posted about it. There has never been anything between us, and never will be. We text intermittently, arrange a meet up and have a drink and dinner. We don’t discuss his wife, apart from me asking how she and his kids are. I am being polite - he knows she doesn’t like me and that I know this too, so I’m not going to waste time feigning interest in her. We have more interesting things to discuss! I’ve known him since I was three months old, so he’s like the brother I never had.

CoffeeCoinneseur · 27/12/2019 23:27

The seems like a lot of drama for someone you meet up with alone once a year.

You are going to modify your conversation around his wife to enable him to continue sneaking around behind her back.

If he had feelings then I’m sure they would pass and we could continue being friends and no one gets hurt

Yeah no one except his wife... but I'm not buying your faux naivety, it's bullshit.

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 23:27

He has other female friends who he sees occasionally but he knew them before he knew his wife. I think that I’m the only person she has an issue with. He also met up with a new female colleague for a drink. I asked how come that was alright? Apparently it’s because she’s much older so not seen in the same way.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 27/12/2019 23:28

Maybe his wife is a possessive whinyarse. Do you feel you owe her anything? If not, don't worry about it and meet your friend if you want to do so. (It is not possible to stop someone from Having An Affair by being whiny and controlling. People are not property. It's up to him (and her) to decide what is and is not acceptable.)

Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 23:28

I think I remember. For some reason, friendships that predate marriages seem more acceptable. I wonder if it’s because you’ll have already had multiple opportunities for something to happen at points when single so if it didn’t, that’s more reassuring to a spouse. Evidentially not all...

Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 23:29

OP - do you fancy him? I mean, if you were both single do you think you’d be together?

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 23:30

I think we would drive each other mad.

OP posts:
Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 23:32

That’s not what I asked.

But I does sound a bit like an answer you might have said to each other at some point. It’s just noncommittal enough.

Original poster
DahliaDell · 27/12/2019 23:35

I think if we had met when single we would never have got together. He’s very shy with women and would never have asked me out. I’m more forward but he’s very cool so I wouldn’t have any signs from him. So it would have been a non starter.

OP posts:
Spacebowlisback · 27/12/2019 23:36

I’m not asking about logistics.

You’re not countering with any of the typical answers that mean people don’t get together.

I think you find him attractive. You love his company. You don’t want to spoil the free and easy vibe you have with talk of his wife... Are you beginning to see it?