to break up with boyfriend because he's always ill?

[namechange100002]

Name changed as I know this may be controversial and I have family on here. Sorry it's long but want to give full info.

Genuinely am trying not to be a dick, adore the bones of my boyfriend so I hate that I feel this way.

BF and I have been together for a year now. We are serious about each other, love each other to bits. Neither of us wants to be without the other. I have a child (KS1 primary age) from a previous relationship, he is very understanding and really likes her too - we were friends before getting together so he already knew her.

BF has lots of pre-existing medical conditions: depression (under control with meds at present), eczema, asthma and allergies. His eczema covers most of his body. The last six months it has been flaring up on and off constantly. Doctors not interested in curing him or finding the cause, just giving him endless creams and then antibiotic steroids when it gets infected. He tried going private but couldn't afford it once the bill went into the high hundreds.

Out of the last month I have seen him 3 days because his skin has been so bad, he's in pain and is embarrassed to be seen. He knows it doesn't bother me but wont even visit when it gets like this as he just wants to lie in bed at home. He's been hospitalised twice since september because it's become infected and borderline septic. He's been in work for about 15 days total in the last six months.

He doesn't help himself with his skin or his asthma. He eats junk food (doesn't like fruit/veg etc), smokes (5 or 6 a day), doesn't shower enough (says it hurts his skin) and barely leaves the house (due to pain/embarrassment).

I was meant to be meeting his family on Christmas day. He cancelled as his skin was bad. He's also cancelled on me for boxing day. I moved house last month and he couldn't come to that either. We went on holiday a couple of months ago and he spent 4 of the 7 days in hospital.
He isn't being proactive about getting it sorted, just deals with it getting bad when it does.

I can't make plans with him as they ALWAYS get spoiled or cancelled. He constantly lets me down.

I've tried to be really understanding and I see how much he goes through dealing with it. I absolutely adore this man, we get along so well and every other aspect of our relationship is great. I just can't see it getting better than this right now and feel very low after sitting alone on Boxing Day while my daughter is with her dad and stepmum.

I don't want to end the relationship. But I am finding myself so so resentful and alone, again. eats chocolate and cries at Christmas With The Kranks

So, honestly, AIBU?

I’d be more bothered that he is unreliable than his skin looks so bad that his embarrassed by it.

The skin condition I could tolerate, the unreliability I couldn’t.

Hi, adult DS life time eczema….my perspective on some of this and responses
First there is no cure for eczema nor is there a “cause” for it other than genes (researches have found that sufferers lack 2 essential proteins that protect the skin1) and possibly some environmental factors in childhood. Some people, like me “grow out of it” but there again mine has returned post menopausally. My son never grew out of it
I was always rigorous about applying emollients, and not using soap and whilst that can help, during a flare up pretty much steroids were the only thing that worked. As he got older his skin has thinned and is fragile due to the use of steroids long term- he tries not to use them during flare ups but if it gets very bad he has to
You are actively told NOT to wash excessively. For instance I used to bathe him daily as a baby- dermatologist told me once per week. Washing hair is a nightmare as you need to avoid all soaps. My adult DS washes his hair in a special shampoo only once a fortnight and then just rinses with water the other week.
The irritation and pain caused by eczema is relentless during flare ups. My DS used to have regular nightmares when a child of insects crawling over him - that was his skin. Even now, when he has a flare up he finds it extremely difficult not to scratch and it certainly can make him, during flare ups, a bit tetchy and miserable. Stopping the “itch-scratch” cycle is extremely difficult- even now my son will sometimes wear gloves to bed so he doesn’t scratch himself in the night during these flare ups.
DS does not have it as badly as your partner though. His is mostly in crevices on his body ( behind ears, knees, arms, neck) and unfortunately on his face. IMHO if he had it all over his body it would be like torture during a flare up- and I’m not surprised your partner is depressed.

Eczema and Asthma and allergies of different kinds all go togehter becuase of this genetic link. In other words he does not have a lot of illnesses, but a single lifelong debilitating genetic condition which causes all these symptoms and as a result either causing his depression or not helping it. Not wanting to leave the house because he is embarrassed- well I expect that is a result of childhood experience of people’s reactions- think about it!

IMHO all those spouting that he is not looking after himself, or not helping himself by seeing GP or going private to look for a cure, should do some research about what it is to have a genetic condition that there is no cure for, that management with current available treatments is limited that are approved by NICE, BUT is not life threatening so they will not get priority with NHS to intervene unless infection becomes very bad. There is literally nothing the NHS can do other than prescribe creams etc to ease it. Any private clinic offering a “cure” is selling snake oil frankly.
OP, nothing you do will cure him. Nothing he does will cure him. Only novel research by medical science will do that- and believe me there are lots of pharma companies that have tried to. He can try to manage the condition of his skin to prevent infection, or take nebulisers for asthma etc but that is it
Sure, he smokes and eats badly and should stop- as should anyone, but please don’t kid yourself with the idea that this is a root of his issues and if he changes that he will eliminate his issues.
Given your lack of understanding that you are with someone with a life long debilitating condition you are already exasperated with, I suggest that you either start to really inform yourself about his condition to be more understanding or call it a day,

@helenverill

Oh well I'll go and be zombie then . Enjoy the party

Why would you do that, @helenverill ? Post your own thread.

I thought OP had updated to say she had dumped him and is much happier now. #disappointed

@Cloudyapples

You wouldnt be breaking up with him because he is ill, you’d be breaking up with him because he isn’t being responsible for himself and making choices that could make him better. He isn’t taking care of himself and doing what needs to be done - that tells you all you need to know about your future with him.

this

@CorrBlimeyGG

*ZOMBIE THREAD*

oh heck.

Sounds like very poor gut health and he's certainly not helping himself.

If he doesn't want to improve his lifestyle, and help himself, it's fine to accept that he's not the one for you!

@Cloudyapples

You wouldnt be breaking up with him because he is ill, you’d be breaking up with him because he isn’t being responsible for himself and making choices that could make him better. He isn’t taking care of himself and doing what needs to be done - that tells you all you need to know about your future with him.

THIS. All this.

Please stop tagging me.

I had never ever heard of a zombie thread until today
I am new to mums net
If you dont like zombie threads stop contributing to them by tagging me
I wouldnt have done this deliberately.
You are welcome to start a new thread complaining about me not using mums net properly but please do not waste my time tagging me in it
Bitch about me all you want but dont bring me into it
Goodnight

Unless you have entered into a "in sickness and health" pact then you can leave him for any reason you want.

@SunLovingMum

So disappointing. I thought op had come back with an update.

Me too! I hope she left him and is happy now or he made big changes and they are happy together now.

🧟‍♀️

As someone with long term health conditions, I’m sick to death of people saying ‘have you tried’ yes I’ve tried everything, and more importantly I have several consultants who advise me and know the latest ‘cures’ not that there are cures, there are treatments and holistic methods to try, but those of us with conditions know our own bodies and we know what works and doesn’t work, so to be patronised by people who don’t have a clue is shameful. To the op, your poor boyfriend, probably knows what hasn’t worked and has worked in the past well enough to know that some things aren’t worth pushing for, and I’m sure he has medical professionals that guide him with his conditions. For someone to want to dump their boyfriend because he has long term conditions is disgusting! I only hope your boyfriend meets someone who has patience and understanding that clearly you don’t have!

Whoops just seen it’s a zombie thread