to break up with boyfriend because he's always ill?

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Name changed as I know this may be controversial and I have family on here. Sorry it's long but want to give full info.

Genuinely am trying not to be a dick, adore the bones of my boyfriend so I hate that I feel this way.

BF and I have been together for a year now. We are serious about each other, love each other to bits. Neither of us wants to be without the other. I have a child (KS1 primary age) from a previous relationship, he is very understanding and really likes her too - we were friends before getting together so he already knew her.

BF has lots of pre-existing medical conditions: depression (under control with meds at present), eczema, asthma and allergies. His eczema covers most of his body. The last six months it has been flaring up on and off constantly. Doctors not interested in curing him or finding the cause, just giving him endless creams and then antibiotic steroids when it gets infected. He tried going private but couldn't afford it once the bill went into the high hundreds.

Out of the last month I have seen him 3 days because his skin has been so bad, he's in pain and is embarrassed to be seen. He knows it doesn't bother me but wont even visit when it gets like this as he just wants to lie in bed at home. He's been hospitalised twice since september because it's become infected and borderline septic. He's been in work for about 15 days total in the last six months.

He doesn't help himself with his skin or his asthma. He eats junk food (doesn't like fruit/veg etc), smokes (5 or 6 a day), doesn't shower enough (says it hurts his skin) and barely leaves the house (due to pain/embarrassment).

I was meant to be meeting his family on Christmas day. He cancelled as his skin was bad. He's also cancelled on me for boxing day. I moved house last month and he couldn't come to that either. We went on holiday a couple of months ago and he spent 4 of the 7 days in hospital.
He isn't being proactive about getting it sorted, just deals with it getting bad when it does.

I can't make plans with him as they ALWAYS get spoiled or cancelled. He constantly lets me down.

I've tried to be really understanding and I see how much he goes through dealing with it. I absolutely adore this man, we get along so well and every other aspect of our relationship is great. I just can't see it getting better than this right now and feel very low after sitting alone on Boxing Day while my daughter is with her dad and stepmum.

I don't want to end the relationship. But I am finding myself so so resentful and alone, again. eats chocolate and cries at Christmas With The Kranks

So, honestly, AIBU?

Imagine yourseif in 5, 10, 15 years time.
I knew DP had a propensity to depressive illness when we first met. Like you, deeply in love and feeling guilty and optimistic in equal measure, deciding that love might actually conquer all. 15 years later, so much of our life together has been about managing recurring episodes of depression and more recently anxiety. The kind of things which you have described experiencing in your first year together have occurred throughout our time together. There's still a warm core of love, but my life is so much smaller than it might have been. Had I the chance to give my 30 year old self a talking to, I wish I could have explained to her that this man had the makings of a wonderful friend, but that I would do well not to invest romantically as the compounded worry, frustration and resentment would erode much of the good will in time.
Sorry you are facing this dilemma, OP.

The only things he eats are ham and cheese toasties, crisps, pizza, chips, cheeseburgers, chicken and tortilla wraps. He will eat cottage pie or similar provided it has no veg and not too much sauce. He doesn't like any sauces or textures. He won't eat meat if it's in it's full form (e.g. chicken breast or steak), it has to be breaded/fried or as a burger.

^^
Just this would be a game changer

As others have said he isn’t taking responsibility for himself and that’s the problem, he isn’t helping himself and you can only do so much.

Hit post too soon.

My DC has all the same health problems as your BF so I have plenty of experience. You don't seem to appreciate is that all these conditions become severe and chronic because they don't really respond to any treatment. Antidepressants can help but nothing actually cures depression.Your BF's eczema is clearly very severe indeed. And both asthma and eczema are worsened by stress.

At his worse, DC's skin would look as if he'd been scalded - bright red, cracking and oozing - and nothing really touched it. The consultant told us there was zero point in trying to avoid potential allergens in the home as DC reacted to so many things that we'd never manage to exclude them all.

Thinking that if only someone hadn't or had done something they wouldn't be in this mess is comforting. It's much more palatable than acknowledging the truth: that life is arbitrary and unfair; that medicine doesn't have an answer for everything; that we have very little control over anything - and that there's no guarantee that tinkering with his lifestyle would relieve your BF's very significant health problems.

He’s presumably had eczema most of his life. He’s likely tried the diet changes. I know I have. They didn’t make any difference to me.
Yes, washing is painful. Just washing my hair cuts my hands when they flair. It’s not laziness it’s minimising (but not stopping) the pain.
If you want to be with him, be there for him and support him to see a dermatologist/ push for new treatments. If you don’t want to be with him, leave. But don’t pin that on his illnesses.

One of my kids had extreme eczema required hospital etc.... I learnt a lot about eczema and its cousins asthma and food allergies.

It is an autoimmune condition and stress is a big trigger as are food allergies. Water can be an irritant too so not showering is understandable.

I understand that it is difficult but suggest before making your decision do your research and have a frank conversation. Check how knowledgeable he is about his condition and get a sense of what he might be prepared to do to get it under control. I did find that doctors were not particularly helpful or knowledgeable and were not up to date on modern treatments. In my child's case it turned out to be mainly food allergies that took a while to identify.

Good luck.

I suffer with skin problems, and was sympathetic to him right up to still smoking. So many things can affect it, if he isn’t willing to try the most obvious, then YANBU

I haven't rtft so sorry if this has been said but I think your assessment that he isn't taking responsibility for his health is really unfair.

You say he isn't being proactive about getting it sorted but you mention "endless" creams suggesting he has been persistent about booking and attending doctors appointments. You also say that the doctors aren't interested in finding a cure. Can you not see how demoralizing that must be in the face of his attempts to find a solution? You also say that he's tried going private (despite low earnings by the sounds of things) and this obviously took some initiative and organisation and it isn't his fault if this route was blocked to him on account of the expense.

If it's painful to shower then I'd say it's fairly understandable that he doesn't do it as much as you might like (and from a little research it would seem that there is no unanimous consensus among experts as to how often bathing or showering should take place with eczema). and if leaving the house makes him feel awful I can't see any grounds for insisting doing so more often would improve his situation. Surely he knows what's best for himself.

His diet and smoking isn't ideal but is there any evidence improved diet and quitting the fags would lead to any massive improvements? I know sufferers who eat well and don't smoke. And how many of us live fully optimized lives in terms of our health decisions? Don't most of us have a few vices to help us get through the trials and tribulations of life.

That said, if the relationship is making you unhappy you have every right to end it without beating yourself up. But I would avoid any insinuation that it's even partly because he's not helping himself. From what you've written he sounds like he's made plenty of effort but also to some extent does what he feels works best for him and his health, as most of us would.

Not washing for five days when he's prone to infections that lead to hospitalization is staggering.

Lots of people seeming to underestimate an awful illness here. A different point of view. Disabilities and chronic illness seems to bring out the 'have you tried......? or 'I had a bad back once and ... worked for me' etc etc in everyone you ever speak to. It is incredibly patronising, demeaning and infuriating. In all likelihood, the person will have tried everything suggested and will have been to various doctors only to be told there is nothing more that can be done. It doesn't take much more than a little compassion to see how this can result in low mood, depression or anxiety, which can in turn lead to lack of self care, isolation and so on.

The food thing sounds like sensory issues. Very challenging habit to break if he feels genuinely repulsed by certain foods.

It sounds like you are essentially in a long distance relationship, without the distance. Very few people are satisfied in such relationships.

You would not be unreasonable to leave. It's your life to live.

You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped.

@managedmis I think if the op had just written that as her post and said Aibu to leave him she would have got more of a positive response.

All else aside, you have a child already, whose life is made materially worse by your involvement with this man. You aren't single and free to martyr yourself - you have a child to think of.

Your boyfriend has to go.

The only things he eats are ham and cheese toasties, crisps, pizza, chips, cheeseburgers, chicken and tortilla wraps. He will eat cottage pie or similar provided it has no veg and not too much sauce. He doesn't like any sauces or textures. He won't eat meat if it's in it's full form (e.g. chicken breast or steak), it has to be breaded/fried or as a burger.

^^
Plus he smokes

I don’t think this is a case that OP is saying he should become a full on vegan - but someone who won’t touch anything except junk food is going to have further health problems in the future as well.

You heartless Bds!

How is it he is to cure his eczema!! Eating healthy and not smoking doesn’t cure eczema! Washing clothes regularly doesn’t cure it or wearing cotton clothes!

Not smoking doesn’t cure asthma either incase you didn't know!!

I’m pretty sure if there was a easy way to do it no one would have asthma or eczema!!!!!

Don’t blame someone for being sick when they didn't choose it or have tried so many things they know nothing is still working!

Leave him, it’s not gonna work between the two of you, you think he can fix this by eating healthy and not smoking, he can’t, so you will only be disappointed

YANBU. Sounds a tough situation for him, but it sounds like you will spend a lot of your life either looking after him or being let down by him. I think let him down gently as possible.

Be honest. You do want to break up with him because of his illnesses. I would too. This is a new relationship and you are not getting much out of it. It is not fair on your daughter either.

Is he under a hospital dermatologist? Does he have access to a dermatology clinical nurse specialist?

It sounds like his eczema is completely out of control. Yes he could no doubt help himself more, but he'd never be able to get it anywhere near to normal skin without massive input from a good medical team.

Can you help him explore nhs options? Who has he seen so far and is he under regular follow up?

Imagine how much easier a relationship would be if his skin was always like how it was after his admission and IV steroids. It would be life changing.

YANBU. It's harder for him but he sounds as if he's given up.

Three days of trying to cut out dairy (a very common allergen) and then saying he 'can't live without cheese' is not suggestive of commitment to getting well. Neither are the smoking and junk food habits.

But worst of all is only working 15 days in 6 months. Add that to the above and you would find yourself breadwinner and carer as well as partner and that's clearly not what you want.

It may, however, be exactly what he wants. Have you asked him how he sees your future together? That could be a revealing conversation.

I would be inclined to say clearly what you want if you are to be on a serious relationship. That might include him stopping smoking, eliminating junk food six days out of seven, eating his 5-a-day seven days a week, seeking specialist support to get his condition under control, focussing on being able to work and socialise more normally. Oh, and showering daily!

If he agrees, why not take a break from making plans with him for a few months to avoid disappointment and allow him time to focus on his campaign? You could still be in touch and spend time together spontaneously when he is up to it. You could also see other people in this time to explore what other options you have!

It might be just the jolt he needs to be more proactive. It might be the eye opener you need when you see how hard he is willing to try for you - or not.

He has the choice here, so it's not controlling to give him an ultimatum. It just says that what's happening now is not enough for you - and why should it be?

He is free to find someone else to nurse and support him if he settles for things as they are. You are free to follow your heart and care for him if he does everything you ask and nothing improves. You aren't asking him to guarantee his future health, just to fight and sacrifice a bit more for it. He could benefit hugely.

Good luck.

Like managedmis, I would really struggle to maintain a relationship with someone who had that sort of diet by choice and who also smoked. I would gladly be a supportive friend and would stay in their life etc, but no, I personally couldn't be in a romantic relationship with someone who made those choices. The fact he smokes with asthma indicates he isn't in the right frame of mind to take care of himself well. No, that isn't his fault and if I was his sister, mother or friend, I'd gently be persuading him to stop and to improve his diet if i could. But when you're starting out in a new relationship, you already have a young child with someone else and you work full time, I 100% see why this would be off putting. I am sure you really like him, or love him as a friend and are very caring towards him, but for me, this wouldn't be enough in a romantic relationship.

That doesn't mean I wouldn't care about that person or want to help them, but that's different to having an intimate, romantic relationship with them and planning a future together.

You haven't done anything wrong. If he won't take action for his health he shouldn't be getting any sympathetic understanding. I have no time for people when their health problems are self-inflicted. Unless it is addictions/mental health issues of course.

Yeah l think diet could be really important here, l get patches of eczema if l eat food with high wheat content.

YANBU. It could get worse as he ages and you will have no life with him. He's not reliable, he puts his own needs first..it would be different if he developed these issues whilst you were in a LT relationship.

Will you lose him as a friend if you break up?

You can leave a relationship for any reason at all: the smoking would do it for me.

Do not continue a relationship our of guilt of because you think you should help him. You will just be one increasingly resentful.

As someone this could be apart from smoking. I shower daily yes it hurts so much having one. Had weekly doctors, hospital and dentist appointment this year took until September to have two weeks off from them But YANBU if he can’t help himself the there is no point in trying.