to break up with boyfriend because he's always ill?

[namechange100002]

Name changed as I know this may be controversial and I have family on here. Sorry it's long but want to give full info.

Genuinely am trying not to be a dick, adore the bones of my boyfriend so I hate that I feel this way.

BF and I have been together for a year now. We are serious about each other, love each other to bits. Neither of us wants to be without the other. I have a child (KS1 primary age) from a previous relationship, he is very understanding and really likes her too - we were friends before getting together so he already knew her.

BF has lots of pre-existing medical conditions: depression (under control with meds at present), eczema, asthma and allergies. His eczema covers most of his body. The last six months it has been flaring up on and off constantly. Doctors not interested in curing him or finding the cause, just giving him endless creams and then antibiotic steroids when it gets infected. He tried going private but couldn't afford it once the bill went into the high hundreds.

Out of the last month I have seen him 3 days because his skin has been so bad, he's in pain and is embarrassed to be seen. He knows it doesn't bother me but wont even visit when it gets like this as he just wants to lie in bed at home. He's been hospitalised twice since september because it's become infected and borderline septic. He's been in work for about 15 days total in the last six months.

He doesn't help himself with his skin or his asthma. He eats junk food (doesn't like fruit/veg etc), smokes (5 or 6 a day), doesn't shower enough (says it hurts his skin) and barely leaves the house (due to pain/embarrassment).

I was meant to be meeting his family on Christmas day. He cancelled as his skin was bad. He's also cancelled on me for boxing day. I moved house last month and he couldn't come to that either. We went on holiday a couple of months ago and he spent 4 of the 7 days in hospital.
He isn't being proactive about getting it sorted, just deals with it getting bad when it does.

I can't make plans with him as they ALWAYS get spoiled or cancelled. He constantly lets me down.

I've tried to be really understanding and I see how much he goes through dealing with it. I absolutely adore this man, we get along so well and every other aspect of our relationship is great. I just can't see it getting better than this right now and feel very low after sitting alone on Boxing Day while my daughter is with her dad and stepmum.

I don't want to end the relationship. But I am finding myself so so resentful and alone, again. eats chocolate and cries at Christmas With The Kranks



So, honestly, AIBU?

[Skyechasemarshalontheway]

Diets won't fix all peoples causes of eczema.

My 18 month old has it bad all over he lives in clothes from the hospital. Bathed daily due to creams. His skin bleeds.

He's allergic to milk egg wheat nuts and soya so obviously doesn't have those yet his skin is still awful.
One tiny scratch and his skin bleeds.

My bil is the same. He doesn't have allergies but was taken off milk eega etc as a child his skin was still bad.

Sometimes even doing everything right can still not be enough. The ops partner may know this about his own skin already.

You definitely wouldn't be unreasonable to end the relationship as it doesn't seem like you have much of one regardless of why it's came about.

[ProfessionalBoss]

Oh and @beautifulstranger101 I do my share of the cooking and cleaning in our relationship, because marriage (and a partnership) should be equal, unless because of illness or injury, one partner needs extra help. So I most certainly would be saying the same thing if it was reversed.

[beautifulstranger101]

Which brings me on to point 3 - what exactly is a partnership to you? As if it's unsupportive and uncaring, then I really do feel sorry for you...

The OP SAID she suggested he cut out dairy and he did it for three days then gave up because he he said he can't give up cheese. So what is she supposed to do? she's suggested ways to help and he won't do them. You cannot force someone to change their diet. Thats not "uncaring" whatsoever- its him not taking responsibility for his own health.
Smoking whilst being asthmatic is also really really unwise but again, she cannot make him give up.

She isn't ending this because of his illness- read her OP again. She's ending it because of his behaviour.

[Fozzleyplum]

OP, a lot of posters are focusing on the fact that your boyfriend appears to be doing nothing to help himself, and are citing that as justification for not continuing the relationship. The implication seems to be that you would be unreasonable to end the relationship if he was doing all he could and he still had as many problems.

I don't agree with that. You don't have a long shared past and IMO you are under no obligation to stay. You only come this way once.call me callous, but there is no way I would be committing to the limitations and disappointments this relationship entails.

[Wheresthebeach]

It doesn’t sound great, he shouldn’t smoke with asthma. That’s just nuts. I have eczema and every expensive dermatologist has told me diet has no effect on eczema in adults. I’ve been told repeatedly there is nothing I can do but treat symptoms. So he may feel helpless. Not saying you should stay, but if he’s listening to dr they will be saying there is no cure for eczema. I have discovered food triggers, but dr don’t believe me. He needs to be willing to try all sorts of things, rather than just suffer but its hard.

Doesn’t sound like it will be much fun for you and your daughter. You need to have time and energy for her rather than having to spend it all on caring for your boyfriend.

[ProfessionalBoss]

@Alconleigh not everyone's MS will end with them being in a wheelchair, nevermind needing full-time carers. Yes the future is unpredictable, and of course the current government are providing little to no support, but for many, it's just something we live with, we make changes to our lives in order to minimise the impact of our illness on others.

[ProfessionalBoss]

@namechange100002 Please do not tell me I do not love him.

Well you are making it sound like you are a resentful unpaid carer, not a loving partner.

You say that you love him wholeheartedly and yet you are asking if you are being unreasonable to end the relationship because of his health problems, (which cannot be cured, and evidence of diet changes etc helping are anecdotal at best), if the roles were reversed and he was asking these questions, would you believe that you were loved?

[Uncompromisingwoman]

Op,
Do you see your future as being a carer? The week that you have just described looks likely to be your future. Is that what you want for yourself? And given everything you have said about his repeated cancelling of things and his refusal to take responsibility for things like his diet is that what you want for your daughter? An adult in her life with health needs that are likely to dominate her needs and who refuses to engage in any possible solutions? These are not meant to be unkind questions - but when you're a parent it's not just the impact on you but also your child that our relationships impact on??
What does he do for you / give back to you to generate your care/concern?

[beautifulstranger101]

OP- you dont have to justify yourself. Its obvious to most of us that you love him but are finding this really, really hard which is completely understandable.

Its a lot to deal with- especially at the beginning and you also have a child to consider aswell.

You aren't obliged to be with anyone and if this relationship is just causing you constant unhappiness then leave. Unfortunately, love isn't always enough.

[bringincrazyback]

YANBU to feel this way, but I think it'd be unfair to break up with him outright, without telling him how you feel and why, and giving him the opportunity to get his act together.

[ProfessionalBoss]

@beautifulstranger101 oh I've read her story, but the title says it all...

aibu to break up with boyfriend because he's always ill

I don't know what else to say...

[GroggyLegs]

It's a really sad set of circumstances but he's okay with things as they are. If he wasn't, he'd make a change.

You're not, you expect more from a life partner. (As would I)

YANBU - time to say goodbye.

[Ilady]

I don't think your being unreasonable at all in considering to brake up with him. He has several health issues which are effecting his quality of life and because this he is cancelling plans with you a lot. Along with this he is not willing to improve his diet which could help with his health issues.

A few years ago one of my friends was very friendly with this man. He was very heavy - I say 24/25 stone and around 6f 2inch tall. My friend was also heavy. She said to him we both need to lose some weight otherwise we will get diabetis. His attitude was so what if I get this.
My friend went on to lose over 4 stone. He did nothing, got heavier and now has a diabitic condition. He now has a small child.
Another friend of ours saw him recently and said he is a heart attack waiting to happen.

The reality is as a adult it your responsibility to look after your health. If you have a poor doctor you change doctors and get medical tests done when required. With certain medical conditions changing your diet can help improve things. It may not be easy to change your diet or give up some of the food you like but long term your health is more important.

Why should you be willing to keep giving up your plans or putting your life on hold for someone who is not willing to help themselves?

[jamaisjedors]

have eczema and every expensive dermatologist has told me diet has no effect on eczema in adults.

They might have told you that, but my lifelong eczema has improved considerably since I gave up dairy 2years ago.

It used to be so bad on my face that people thought I had severe burns.

It is a very frustrating condition, but it is also obvious that sugar, alcohol and other inflammatory things DO aggravate it as well as lack of sleep and stress.

Difficult to cut them all out but you can at least try.

I think you are in for heartbreak down the line OP with his helpless attitude.

[BrendasUmbrella]

Interested to what you think might cure his eczema? He should give up the smoking and obviously eat healthier but it is often linked to asthma and other allergies.

Perhaps nothing. But maybe something would help. Several dc's in my family have allergies which cause eczema and cutting out dairy, etc have helped a lot. If he's not open to trying anything, he is not likely to improve, and the OP has to look forward to a future of seeing him once or twice a month. It's not life for either of them. He isn't going to help himself, so she has to make her decision based on that information.

[BrendasUmbrella]

I agree with the poster above who says you should not feel obliged to stay even if he does start to grow up and start participating in his own care.

Be careful if/when you have the talk. He might agree you can see him when he's ill just to keep you around, and you could so easily fall into the unpaid carer/surrogate mother role that so many women get stuck in. Think about what kind of future you want. You and your child.

[lisag1969]

Leave a find someone new. He may be nice. But you need more. X

[Prettyvase]

What benefit is this man in your child's life? What does it add to her life? How does it improve her life? If someone is not prepared to help themselves and continually eats junk and heaven forbid, does not value personal hygiene then I would have to conclude that this person is not a positive addition to my child's life and conclude the relationship on that basis.

[NotAVirtue]

As someone with severe eczema (amongst other things) I think you are BU in that you expect him to be able to magically cure himself through just eating better and stopping smoking. It really isn't that simple. Showering when your skin is flared is like being covered in acid. Going out and seeing people is difficult, even family and friends. What he needs is a referral to a dermatologist, proper allergy testing and then consideration for treatment like immunosuppressive or biologic drugs to get his skin under control. I'm not suggesting this is your responsibility to sort out but if you love him as much as you say you do, then you should be encouraging him to push his GP for a referral.
I don't think you are BU to find the whole thing exhausting. I have been in a similar position and am scared every day that my OH will have had enough and leave.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

YANBU to want to end a relationship that means you hardly see him and when you do you're more like a carer than a GF. If you'd been committed for many years you might be prepared to sacrifice your life for the sake of a much loved spouse. But this is the outset of a relationship and for all your brave claims of a grand passion, the truth is that you just don't care enough. And why should you?

YABU however to blame him for exacerbating his various conditions. People with MH problems are three times as likely to smoke and find it harder to quit. Just Google "smoking mental health statistics" to find a wealth of research.

Showers? Has he told you that frequent showers would improve his eczema? Because people with eczema are often advised to avoid too much exposure to water.

My son, who had very severe eczema, was advised to wash with a special emollient using a sponge. Long hot showers were out of the question.

[WalmartMom]

Your hanging on to "we really get on great" ordinarily.

No you don't.

This it. This is what it will be like when things go wrong (lose job, money problems, all the usual life issues) instead living/discussing/working out things together he will be indifferent to your role. This is how he is about life.

This is not a relationship at all. You have to get off the "but if only" we get over this we'll be fine. Pull out of that, get a clear head. If he picks up great. But don't give up. Set two way tasks and if he doesn't respond & is as sour as he is now. Get out before it drags you down.

You're clutching at straws here.

[Mulledwineinajug]

Showering more often can dry out skin and worsen eczema.

I know that’s not what you’re asking.

[Sparkle2020]

Please ask him to ask his eczema doctor about dupixent! It’s an injection that I am on. My eczema used to leave me in hospital with sepsis multiple times a year and so suicidal. It totally changed my life. Sorry to hear you feel lonely but please don’t lay blame on his medical issues as I can’t even begin to explain how horrible those 3 conditions are. They put you in such a dark place. Showering is painful, it’s horrendously painful. Eating junk food is a comfort thing, as it is for many people. Please don’t say he’s not helping himself because when you wake up feeling like you can’t move in your own skin it is soul destroying.

[namechange100002]

Sorry about the showering thing, I know a lot of you have picked up on that. I didn't realise. I know my GP advised short cool showers using emollient wash so that's what I used to do but that's going back fifteen years now.

It's just sometimes he doesn't wash for up to five days at a time and in my head I believed that won't help with the infection side of things.

[alexdgr8]

I think you are not suited as partners. best to go separate ways.

but I don't like the attitude of some replies, seeming to blame people for their illness. perhaps they have no real experience of chronic pain and illness close up.
of course a person with severe skin eruptions cannot and should not shower every day. it is nothing to do with being lazy or unhygienic.
also as for him letting down the OP, how do you think he feels, with his body, his life, constantly letting him down. kind of depressing, eh.