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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to break up with boyfriend because he's always ill?

213 replies

namechange100002 · 26/12/2019 21:48

Name changed as I know this may be controversial and I have family on here. Sorry it's long but want to give full info.

Genuinely am trying not to be a dick, adore the bones of my boyfriend so I hate that I feel this way.

BF and I have been together for a year now. We are serious about each other, love each other to bits. Neither of us wants to be without the other. I have a child (KS1 primary age) from a previous relationship, he is very understanding and really likes her too - we were friends before getting together so he already knew her.

BF has lots of pre-existing medical conditions: depression (under control with meds at present), eczema, asthma and allergies. His eczema covers most of his body. The last six months it has been flaring up on and off constantly. Doctors not interested in curing him or finding the cause, just giving him endless creams and then antibiotic steroids when it gets infected. He tried going private but couldn't afford it once the bill went into the high hundreds.

Out of the last month I have seen him 3 days because his skin has been so bad, he's in pain and is embarrassed to be seen. He knows it doesn't bother me but wont even visit when it gets like this as he just wants to lie in bed at home. He's been hospitalised twice since september because it's become infected and borderline septic. He's been in work for about 15 days total in the last six months.

He doesn't help himself with his skin or his asthma. He eats junk food (doesn't like fruit/veg etc), smokes (5 or 6 a day), doesn't shower enough (says it hurts his skin) and barely leaves the house (due to pain/embarrassment).

I was meant to be meeting his family on Christmas day. He cancelled as his skin was bad. He's also cancelled on me for boxing day. I moved house last month and he couldn't come to that either. We went on holiday a couple of months ago and he spent 4 of the 7 days in hospital.
He isn't being proactive about getting it sorted, just deals with it getting bad when it does.

I can't make plans with him as they ALWAYS get spoiled or cancelled. He constantly lets me down.

I've tried to be really understanding and I see how much he goes through dealing with it. I absolutely adore this man, we get along so well and every other aspect of our relationship is great. I just can't see it getting better than this right now and feel very low after sitting alone on Boxing Day while my daughter is with her dad and stepmum.

I don't want to end the relationship. But I am finding myself so so resentful and alone, again. eats chocolate and cries at Christmas With The Kranks

So, honestly, AIBU?

OP posts:
Boots20 · 26/12/2019 22:56

YANBU. However I do sympathise with him. Something worth looking into is a vegan diet (I'm not vegan myself) but I remember watch a girl on YouTube who dramatically cleared up her eczema with a vegan diet (im guessing the lack of dairy) and her results were amazing. Pretty sure vegans can still eat 'junk food' but the lack of meat and dairy may help. Just worth looking into I guess x

Junie70 · 26/12/2019 22:58

You don't have a relationship, you're just trying to convince yourself that you do.

You never meet up, go out, do anything normal.

Take off the rose tinted specs, and see a man who refuses to help himself.

BenjiB · 26/12/2019 22:58

There’s very little doctors can do except prescribe creams etc however eating better, cutting out dairy etc would probably help. He’ll know this as most people with eczema do. If he doesn’t want to try to help himself that’s not going to change. You are no BU at all.

Havaina · 26/12/2019 22:59

Sounds miserable, get rid of him. I don't see much to adore here.

Platypusmama · 26/12/2019 22:59

Can relate to your boyfriend as I suffer with bad psoriasis which thankfully is at bay thanks to medication. Diet and exercise are both huge huge factors in flares, though I really feel for him. When I was bad I felt so low I contemplated suicide. Makes you feel very insecure and uncomfortable and I can understand the shower thing because it dries your skin out. Hated any boyfriend I was with seeing me naked and felt deeply ashamed. That being said, it’s not your place to fix him, sadly this is something he needs to work on on his own. Does he see a dermatologist or just a gp?

There’s a book called Radiant which has a really good diet for people who suffer with psoriasis, acne and eczema, could be a late Christmas gift for you to get him? It’s very restrictive but the recipes are actually delicious. The author has an Instagram page called mygoodnessrecipes that’s really helpful for before/afters.

Wishing you all the best op Flowers

Babynamechangerr · 26/12/2019 23:03

I think it is better for you to split and I say that as someone with a chronic condition.

I was healthy when I met dh but developed a condition that has a huge impact on our lives and I do wonder if he would have still married me if I'd been ill when we met. I wish in many ways we'd met after the condition developed so I knew he was marrying me 'warts and all'.

I think you have to be prepared to take everything on, including his mental health problems and the unhealthy life choices (the physical and mental health issues are undoubtedly linked).

Original poster
namechange100002 · 26/12/2019 23:06

Both great ideas @Boots20 @Platypusmama however he would point blank refuse. He will not eat a single fruit or vegetable, not even in puree/smoothie form.

The only things he eats are ham and cheese toasties, crisps, pizza, chips, cheeseburgers, chicken and tortilla wraps. He will eat cottage pie or similar provided it has no veg and not too much sauce. He doesn't like any sauces or textures. He won't eat meat if it's in it's full form (e.g. chicken breast or steak), it has to be breaded/fried or as a burger.

It's extremely limiting to what I can do. The only things he will eat that I make him are cheese pasta bake, sausage & mash, or chicken & halloumi tortilla wraps. I'm a really good cook too - one of my only real skills lol - so i've tried lots of things!

My sibling is very similar in the way they eat so I don't find it that unusual but I know it is when I write it down.

OP posts:
ProfessionalBoss · 26/12/2019 23:07

I'm one of the minority of people who think that you are being unreasonable.

I myself have multiple sclerosis, people suggested changing diet, exercising blah blah, point being, they were NOT medical professionals and had absolutely no idea how aggressive my condition is.

I was diagnosed not long into the start of my relationship, I told him to leave, knowing that like your partners illness, there is NO cure. We've been together over 15 years now, happily married for over 9 of those years, and he not only accepts me on my good days, but he also accepts that some days are too much for me physically.

I don't see him as my carer, nor does he see himself that way, he's my partner, equal, we share everything, good days and bad.

If you can't see yourself doing this, and are judging his illness by what he is and is not willing to try, (he may have tried all these things in the past), then please, for his sake break up with him, because its obvious that you don't love him...

Boots20 · 26/12/2019 23:11

**Sounds miserable, get rid of him. I don't see much to adore here.

I'm sorry but everyone has baggage and OP has said she has never felt this way about someone, she is in love with him. I dont think he should be written off like that, he is human with a terrible skin condition that understandably affects his mental health.

ProfessionalBoss · 26/12/2019 23:12

If you can cook and you know that he'll eat burgers why don't you make your own? It's very easy to do using turkey/beef/lamb mince etc, and if you can puree veg it can be hidden within... I realise that it's a lot of effort, and chips cooked from chopped potatoes in the actifry aren't quite the same as deep fried in oil, but if its chips he wants and he's presented with chips, his tastes might slowly evolve...

keepingbees · 26/12/2019 23:12

If you're considering ending the relationship then he's not right for you regardless of the reason.
He sounds immature and hard work at best, just because he has health problems doesn't mean you have to put up with this, life's too short.
I have a chronic health condition that affects my life but I do my best to control it and let it have the minimal impact on my life and those around me. Obviously some things can't be helped but you have to try.

ILearnedItFromABook · 26/12/2019 23:12

He has no interest in making the changes that might improve his situation. It's unlikely that he'll suddenly change who he is in that regard. Better to end it now than drag it out for years of unhappiness.

There's a huge difference between leaving someone under these circumstances and calling it quits when a spouse of many years is struck with a serious illness over which they have no hope of control. YWNBU to say you want more from life than a boyfriend who's always cancelling on you.

Havaina · 26/12/2019 23:16

I think she probably feels more sorry for him than she is in love with him.

He won't take care of himself so OP feels she has to.

I had an ex like this, he preferred to suffer rather than do anything proactive to help himself. So exhausting. I think he secretly enjoyed it.

Havaina · 26/12/2019 23:18

if its chips he wants and he's presented with chips, his tastes might slowly evolve..

It's not OP's responsibility to manage his condition. She's not his mum.

Bluebutterfly90 · 26/12/2019 23:18

Oh dear.
I do have some sympathy for your partner, as I suffered terribly with excema that would constantly get infected- and even had to be treated for septicaemia at one point because of it. Tried everything to fix it while being told from everyone that I wasnt trying enough as I would get better in hospital.
Turns out I had a serious allergy to something unusual in the house I was living in.

Still, if you feel like he really isn't trying I would bring it up with him and say how its affecting how much you want to be with him.
You both have my sympathy, chronic excema is a nightmare.

Bouledeneige · 26/12/2019 23:20

I think you should leave the relationship if you want to.

But I don't think a lot of people here realise that there's no cure for eczema and many of the suggestions here are not proven to work (except steroids and topical creams, avoiding biological washing powders, only wearing cotton or silk next to the skin etc). Recent scientific studies have doubted the benefits of emollients (though I liked them myself - so long as they are not left on to smother the skin). Not all patients respond to dietary interventions, the dairy link has not I think been proven, as I myself found out - mine got worse during an exclusion diet. I've certainly never heard a doctor recommending washing every day - agony, and not good for healing. So I'd be cautious about accepting that if he just did these things he'd solve his problem. Its an over active immune reaction. So end it if the relationships not working but don't blame him for having an incurable condition.

ReanimatedSGB · 26/12/2019 23:20

YANBU. FFS, how can he be 'wonderful' when you hardly ever see him; he keeps cancelling on you and doesn't appear to take any responsibility for himself or his health. Are you desperate not to be single or something? Bin politely and move on.

ProfessionalBoss · 26/12/2019 23:22

It's not OP's responsibility to manage his condition. She's not his mum.

I completely agree, she's not, and she's the one going on about diet and informing us of what he'll eat if she cooks it, so thank you for reminding her of that!

Branleuse · 26/12/2019 23:22

I think it must be incredibly difficult to have a full relationship with someone with so many health issues. It certainly wouldnt be for everyone.
Maybe youd be better as friends. It doesnt sound like hes got a lot to give an actual relationship right now

Wolfiefan · 26/12/2019 23:22

I have awful eczema. I’m now on immunosuppressants. YANBU. He needs a referral to a dermatologist. He needs to make changes and be pro active. He isn’t being. You can’t make him.

beautifulstranger101 · 26/12/2019 23:24

It's not OP's responsibility to manage his condition. She's not his mum

Agree, and I'm a bit baffled by all of the posts suggesting she cook all his meals etc She isn't his mother- he's a grown man. If he can go out and get cigarettes and take away food then he can get his own food. I doubt people would be suggesting he cook for her if the situation was reversed.

Not to mention, taking on the role of "mum" in a relationship is the biggest turn off there is.

Alconleigh · 26/12/2019 23:27

It's very hard. I'm dating someone with MS and depression. He's great, and he absolutely does manage his conditions proactively, but I still have a terror of ending up as his carer. I think he'd love to marry me but I can't see the motivation from my side; this will sound brutal but I won't sacrifice my career because an austerity government would have me live on £3.50 a week to look after him, should it come to that. It's not like any financial help for him will ever be available from this government.

I also struggle with his libido being lower than mine due to said conditions. The sex we have is wonderful but it's not frequent enough and I feel like my last best years (I'm 43) are being wasted, sexually speaking.

Sorry, essay about me. My point was, I struggle and he absolutely does do everything he can. In Your situation, where he doesn't, I'd cut my losses.

Notitchynow · 26/12/2019 23:29

I felt a bit like this when DP’s eczema became really bad. He had always had it but it became extreme - the backs of his legs were like open wounds from scratching, he had to bandage his hands and legs every day. He resisted seeing a doctor because he’d visited one and got nowhere, his diet wasn’t the greatest (though he is now lactose free) and he wasn’t sleeping well or taking good care of himself.

I made him go back to his GP and she referred him to a dermatologist, who instantly diagnosed scabies. Turns out that the eczema wasn’t the primary reason for the itching after all. We both had to be treated (I had a persistent eczema patch too but only one spot) and his skin has now cleared up miraculously. He still has eczema but it is manageable now. Might be worth enquiring if an infection of this type could be making the eczema worse.

ProfessionalBoss · 26/12/2019 23:31

It's not OP's responsibility to manage his condition. She's not his mum
Agree, and I'm a bit baffled by all of the posts suggesting she cook all his meals etc She isn't his mother- he's a grown man.
I doubt people would be suggesting he cook for her if the situation was reversed.

Points one and two - she is focused on his diet, she is the one bringing it up, if she wants to be a supportive partner then my suggestions would be welcomed.

Which brings me on to point 3 - what exactly is a partnership to you? As if it's unsupportive and uncaring, then I really do feel sorry for you...

Clearly, as I said, she doesn't love him, if she's willing to end a relationship over an illness with no cure, and should do him a favour and stop wasting his time...

Original poster
namechange100002 · 26/12/2019 23:32

@ProfessionalBoss

I completely accept your view that I am being unreasonable, I'm not questioning that and I appreciate your input.

However, please do not tell me how I feel about somebody. I love this person wholeheartedly, the rare one week I get off being a mum I spent at his bedside in hospital. I paid his excess bill after he was in a foreign hospital. I drive him to his doctors appointments. I apply cream when he needs it in difficult places. I clean my house meticulously to help with his dust alllergy. I hoover up his dry skin off the mattress every morning.

Please do not tell me I do not love him.

It's just that I also have a full time job and a young child to think about. And I'm struggling with the amount of care he needs considering how early we are into the relationship, and he doesn't take that level of care of himself.

OP posts: