to break up with boyfriend because he's always ill?

[namechange100002]

Name changed as I know this may be controversial and I have family on here. Sorry it's long but want to give full info.

Genuinely am trying not to be a dick, adore the bones of my boyfriend so I hate that I feel this way.

BF and I have been together for a year now. We are serious about each other, love each other to bits. Neither of us wants to be without the other. I have a child (KS1 primary age) from a previous relationship, he is very understanding and really likes her too - we were friends before getting together so he already knew her.

BF has lots of pre-existing medical conditions: depression (under control with meds at present), eczema, asthma and allergies. His eczema covers most of his body. The last six months it has been flaring up on and off constantly. Doctors not interested in curing him or finding the cause, just giving him endless creams and then antibiotic steroids when it gets infected. He tried going private but couldn't afford it once the bill went into the high hundreds.

Out of the last month I have seen him 3 days because his skin has been so bad, he's in pain and is embarrassed to be seen. He knows it doesn't bother me but wont even visit when it gets like this as he just wants to lie in bed at home. He's been hospitalised twice since september because it's become infected and borderline septic. He's been in work for about 15 days total in the last six months.

He doesn't help himself with his skin or his asthma. He eats junk food (doesn't like fruit/veg etc), smokes (5 or 6 a day), doesn't shower enough (says it hurts his skin) and barely leaves the house (due to pain/embarrassment).

I was meant to be meeting his family on Christmas day. He cancelled as his skin was bad. He's also cancelled on me for boxing day. I moved house last month and he couldn't come to that either. We went on holiday a couple of months ago and he spent 4 of the 7 days in hospital.
He isn't being proactive about getting it sorted, just deals with it getting bad when it does.

I can't make plans with him as they ALWAYS get spoiled or cancelled. He constantly lets me down.

I've tried to be really understanding and I see how much he goes through dealing with it. I absolutely adore this man, we get along so well and every other aspect of our relationship is great. I just can't see it getting better than this right now and feel very low after sitting alone on Boxing Day while my daughter is with her dad and stepmum.

I don't want to end the relationship. But I am finding myself so so resentful and alone, again. eats chocolate and cries at Christmas With The Kranks



So, honestly, AIBU?

[Pixxie7]

Eczema is incredible difficult to treat. But agree with previous poster you sound like you need some time apart.

[slipperywhensparticus]

Eczema isnt a life sentence the doctors can do loads to help if he isnt trying to get help they wont make him

[jewel1968]

It is true allergy testing is more indicative than conclusive but in my child's case it was indicative enough to point towards significant food allergies that were later tested in hospital with food challenges. It is where I would start before trying an elimination diet which may or may not yield results.

The risk with elimination diets is that they take time and are soul destroying if unsuccessful. And there are a myriad of things you could try and eliminate.

Are there any foods he thinks might contribute to a flare up?

Stress is a major factor too with eczema so being worried about work will be impacting him. A vicious cycle he is trapped in.

[MissConductUS]

As someone mentioned up thread there is now a biologic medication for atopic dermatitis and another appears to be on the way:

nationaleczema.org/second-biologic-for-eczema-atopic-dermatitis/

He needs to see a good dermatologist who has some experience with these treatments.

I had severe ulcerative colitis for years until I went on a biologic medication for. I'm completely symptom free now.

[helenverill]

Oh my I really feel for you. My boyfriend has all those conditions. Mind you mine does try really hard to manage his health. He does his best to eat right, look after his skin properly , excercise. He works too hard if anything. He's also recovering from long Covid. He is always always exhausted and plans do get changed sometimes but nothing compared to this. I don't think I could cope with what you are but it's a heartbreaking decision. I see this is an old post. I wonder what you decided. Googled because of how Im feeling right now x

[ShinyMe]

This thread is almost two years old!

[Aprilx]

Zombie thread

[Islamorada]

I would break up with him too. You are not happy and that is fair enough. When you are married is more difficult.

[Islamorada]

🤣🤣🤣 ok well silly zombie thread

[Alonelonelylonersbadidea]

@helenverill j'accuse! Points finger!

Zommmbieeeee

[Hottubtimemachine]

I’m confused at the posters saying he is not helping himself. Showering, giving up smoking will not cure his eczema. It’s a skin disease, not a lifestyle one.
I can totally see how a severe skin disease that leads to hospitalisation would make him feel down and not want to be seen. He needs a dermatology opinion, possibly consideration of biological therapy at a guess.
Poor bloke.

[helenverill]

Oh well I'll go and be zombie then . Enjoy the party

[aloris]

I am from a family with a strong history of allergies and eczema. I want to start by saying that you have every right to break up with him, or whatever makes you happy. But if I had a penny for every person who said, "Well have you tried x" or "but it would get better if you would only Y," then I would be rich. By the time someone gets to be an adult, living with whatever condition they have, they (or their mother) have usually tried it all. You acting as if you're smarter and more virtuous than them is not helpful.

Now, are there new things he can check out that have been identified as potential causes since he was a child (i.e. since his mother was supervising his treatment and likely already tested everything you think you will be getting him to test for the first time)? Possibly. Should he eat a better diet, whether it fixes his eczema or not, because it's good to eat a health diet? Probably (although bear in mind that many people with eczema also have food allergies and not necessarily to dairy; the best diet for an allergic person might not look like the best diet to you).

He should give up smoking though. That's not going to help anything. All it will do is make his asthma worse and shorten his life. Tell him that an eczema mum on the internet told him to give up smoking.

[aloris]

Oh for heaven's sakes. Zombie thread.

[Plumtree391]

I feel so sad for both of you. I happen to know someone with chronic eczema all over his body; he is a nurse. It has really messed up his life, nothing seems to help. I can imagine how depressing that must be.

Eczema of the type your boyfriend has is an auto immune disease. I feel there must be an effective treatment out there somewhere but accessing it is an expensive business. Here, all the dermatologists seem to do is prescribe steroids which of course have dangerous side effects.

There doesn't seem to be much future for the two of you. You have to put you and your daughter first or else face the future as the partner of a chronic invalid. It's heartbreaking for both you and him.

[GiantHaystacks2021]

Who keeps resurrecting all da Zombie threads?
Lazarus?

[gofg]

If you don't want to be with him then you need to break it off. It doesn't sound like much fun for you - but I imagine it is much, much worse for him. I really don't think some of the posters on this thread have any idea what he must be going through.

It sounds as though he is not right for you - and you are not the right person for him.

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

@SteelRiver

Lots of people seeming to underestimate an awful illness here. A different point of view. Disabilities and chronic illness seems to bring out the 'have you tried......? or 'I had a bad back once and ... worked for me' etc etc in everyone you ever speak to. It is incredibly patronising, demeaning and infuriating. In all likelihood, the person will have tried everything suggested and will have been to various doctors only to be told there is nothing more that can be done. It doesn't take much more than a little compassion to see how this can result in low mood, depression or anxiety, which can in turn lead to lack of self care, isolation and so on.

Yes they may have tried EVERYTHING that has been suggested by their medical team and /or folk medicine...

But they may not. OPs boyfriend is not even TRYING the most basic stuff to ameliorate his condition.

As you're pointing out, sometimes people make bloody unhelpful suggestions... I have chronic conditions which make utterly rubbish sleep... More than one person who's advised..'. All you should do is lie down and close your eyes... And bobs yer uncle.... ".) /listen to whale music.
Um... As if I'd not tried just closing my eyes... Or trying these most basic ideas...

I've been to sleep clinics /read widely on primary and secondary insomnia and follow as much advice as I can...

But what would drive me nuts is the utter lack of effort in the boyfriend's part to do anything.

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

I understand too, that chronic conditions are strongly indicated in depression /anxiety aetiology.

[Mothership4two]

I think we should have a zombie emoji on MN!

[Mothership4two]

@Hottubtimemachine
@Plumtree391
@gofg
@IamtheDevilsAvocado

[BobbiPinsOn]

YNBU

[ShinyMe]

IT'S TWO YEARS AGO! I DOUBT SHE NEEDS ADVICE NOW!

[Lovemusic33]

He needs to sort his diet out. As someone who suffers from eczema myself I know how important diet is to me, I have cut out lactose/dairy and my skin in 99% better, also reducing sugar intake. It sounds like he’s abusing his body by eating junk.

I’m not sure if it’s worth splitting up for but I can see why it’s frustrating, you need to have a serious talk with him.