to break up with boyfriend because he's always ill?

[namechange100002]

Name changed as I know this may be controversial and I have family on here. Sorry it's long but want to give full info.

Genuinely am trying not to be a dick, adore the bones of my boyfriend so I hate that I feel this way.

BF and I have been together for a year now. We are serious about each other, love each other to bits. Neither of us wants to be without the other. I have a child (KS1 primary age) from a previous relationship, he is very understanding and really likes her too - we were friends before getting together so he already knew her.

BF has lots of pre-existing medical conditions: depression (under control with meds at present), eczema, asthma and allergies. His eczema covers most of his body. The last six months it has been flaring up on and off constantly. Doctors not interested in curing him or finding the cause, just giving him endless creams and then antibiotic steroids when it gets infected. He tried going private but couldn't afford it once the bill went into the high hundreds.

Out of the last month I have seen him 3 days because his skin has been so bad, he's in pain and is embarrassed to be seen. He knows it doesn't bother me but wont even visit when it gets like this as he just wants to lie in bed at home. He's been hospitalised twice since september because it's become infected and borderline septic. He's been in work for about 15 days total in the last six months.

He doesn't help himself with his skin or his asthma. He eats junk food (doesn't like fruit/veg etc), smokes (5 or 6 a day), doesn't shower enough (says it hurts his skin) and barely leaves the house (due to pain/embarrassment).

I was meant to be meeting his family on Christmas day. He cancelled as his skin was bad. He's also cancelled on me for boxing day. I moved house last month and he couldn't come to that either. We went on holiday a couple of months ago and he spent 4 of the 7 days in hospital.
He isn't being proactive about getting it sorted, just deals with it getting bad when it does.

I can't make plans with him as they ALWAYS get spoiled or cancelled. He constantly lets me down.

I've tried to be really understanding and I see how much he goes through dealing with it. I absolutely adore this man, we get along so well and every other aspect of our relationship is great. I just can't see it getting better than this right now and feel very low after sitting alone on Boxing Day while my daughter is with her dad and stepmum.

I don't want to end the relationship. But I am finding myself so so resentful and alone, again. eats chocolate and cries at Christmas With The Kranks

So, honestly, AIBU?

If he can't be bothered to work to improve the condition then I can see no reason for you to keep dancing to his tune.

If he had been actively doing all he could the you would still be entitled to walk away but I don't think you would. You clearly care about him and for him BUT you shouldn't be the only one putting the effort in.

His condition is challenging and can't always be controlled but not even trying is deeply unattractive.

It sounds draining and like others have said, he's not being proactive with his health.

It's incredibly hard being chronically ill, depression can be a huge part of it. Not trying to make this thread about me, but for context, I have a long standing immune system illness which will never disappear on its own, and almost resulted in life changing surgery about 10 years ago, but things are practically normal these days thanks to immunosuppressant medication which has everything pretty much under control. ( I never thought I'd feel normal again).

I know of a family member with serious eczema who also takes immunosuppressants and these have really helped with the flare ups. They aren't an easy route and can have side effects, but for me they've been life changing.

Your partner needs to own his condition, educate himself on treatments, and push for medical care which addresses the underlying cause, not just treating the symptoms. I'm not sure why his medical care hasn't looked at this, but he needs to push for it ( which can be hard when you are struggling). It's possible that treating the skin condition might help with the depression too.

You sound so lovely and supportive, but If your quality of life is suffering, and your partner isn't taking care of himself, I think you are well within your rights to focus on you and your DC. Xx

I feel for you, I was with a man like that, and no, it didn't work work out, nothing ever changed. He kept hiding himself away and avoiding me and everyone else, feeling sorry for himself. Eventually I gave up, it feels like banging your head off a wall tbh.
A partner is supposed to be someone to share your life with, the good and the bad, and he's not SHARING much of anything if you barely see him. What's the point in a partner if you're still lonely?? Dump him OP, or you'll end up just as depressed and lonely as he is, and not by choice.

Showing with an extremely bad flare up of eczema, from personal experience, is absolutey agony. If healthcare professionals aren't willing to hyp and he cannot afford private health care, I dont really see it being his fault for not trying to sort it. Maybe this is linked to his depression as it is a debilitating condition, with no means of a solution to end it.

Showering! *

Oh God, no, life is too short

I wouldn't break up with someone because they are frequently unwell, but it isn't just that is it? I don't know if he tried all the things you've suggested if it would even make a difference, but if he doesn't even try he will never know, which would be really hard to deal with as his partner. Also, it must be really difficult with all the cancelling he is doing.

I imagine he is going through a tough time and I feel for him, but if he has to keep cancelling on you due to embarrassment about his skin, I would find that really difficult. And you have a child to look after, so rearranging isn't going to be easy either.

I don't think either of you is BU here. I just thing it might be one of those things where it might not be working at the moment.

I do not believe that you love him. You can't. You barely know him. He cancels. He is unavailable.

Is he good at future faking? Is he good at making promises then not delivering? He says he will do things, he makes plans that sound great so you think he is great but in reality he never delivers on the plans? You give him credit for the intention despite him not delivering. So, are you in love with the idea of what he could be rather than what he is?

Add up all the actual good stuff that has happened in your relationship, ignore anything that was a promise he couldn't deliver upon, ignore anything that is a plan for the future. Look back on past actions. What do you see?

No, you have to be realistic. This would be no life for you. You'd be a carer and there'd be no life at all for you. It's too much to ask.

Really appreciate all the replies. Helps me see it from all sides.

I really do feel for him. I've never had a chronic condition like him and I can't imagine what it's like. It's definitely one of the causes of his depression. When he was hospitalised on holiday they gave him an IV and super-strong steroids. He was like a different person when he was released, he was glowing. So happy, dancing around, the most happy I have ever seen him.
Within ten days his skin was back to 'normal' again.

It's so hard. :(

Doctors not interested in curing him or finding the cause, just giving him endless creams and then antibiotic steroids when it gets infected. You do realise there is no cure for eczema? Having suffered from eczema for almost 50 years myself, whilst I am aware of a few things which cause flare ups for me, as often as not they come out of nowhere.

My eczema is nowhere near as bad as your partner's but I can totally understand how delbilitating and depressing it must be and can also understand that whilst he objectively must know that giving up smoking and eating more healthily would be the right things to do (though let's be clear, they wouldn't "cure" him) that when he is feeling so low, making those positive changes is a hard thing to do.

But you need to decide what is right for you.

You can break up with someone for any reason at all if that's what you want. The alternative is too awful - forced to stay in a romantic and presumably sexual relationship against what you want.

I initially felt YWBU until I read He doesn't help himself with his skin or his asthma. He eats junk food (doesn't like fruit/veg etc), smokes (5 or 6 a day), doesn't shower enough (says it hurts his skin) and He isn't being proactive about getting it sorted, just deals with it getting bad when it does

This. This is why you aren't being unreasonable. This is about his behaviour, not his illness. It sucks that he has so many health issues but it sounds like he is making literally no effort to help himself and constantly breaking plans and just expecting you to deal with it. Thats not on. You aren't really even in a relationship at the moment because to have a relationship you have to spend time with someone and you aren't. You are also probably feeling really messed about by looking forward to plans with him and constantly being let down at the last moment.

You aren't obliged to date anyone you dont want to. If you feel its not working, then end it. He could be the nicest guy in the world but if this is making you miserable then what's the point? Relationships are meant to enhance your life, not cause you constant unhappiness.

Sometimes people need help in order to help themselves, particularly if depressed.
You may need to help take charge a bit to get him to where he needs to be.
Has he received counselling/CBT? If not, he can self refer. Look it up for him.
Eating junk food is common when depressed. Exercise is important. Instead of him avoiding going out, could you meet somewhere secluded for a walk/fresh air? He can remain covered up in this weather (hat, scarf, gloves etc)
Can you sign him up to a veg box scheme?
Has he been referred to a nutritionist? Has he been tested for gluten or lactose intolerance etc?
He's not helping himself, but maybe he's stuck in a rut. I don't know what help he has received to date,but perhaps it is worth one final push?

Dairy is a really common one for eczema. He needs to see a dietician. You need to cut out dairy for three to four weeks. Four weeks is better then have some dairy for a few days and observe any reaction.
I would encourage him as part of the New Year. I miss cheese too but discovered recently I can tolerate sheep cheese.surely
if giving up dairy means a better quality of life it is worth it.

Only you know about your feelings.

My friends been hospitalized numerous times with her eczema. Nothing in her diet or regular showering helped. She was on autoimmune suppressants for ages and it completely cleared. Due to long term complications from taken these she cane off them and her skin is horrendous again. So bad her boyfriend broke up with her. But he's a shallow guy.

I don't think you're shallow I think your frustrated he can't get more help and he's too depressed to get help himself. I think someone constantly letting you down is bound to effect you and it would be nice to have someone make an effort for you. I think from what it sounds like that it maybe time for you to move on.

@namechange100002 YANBU.

I have a friend who has been married 34 years (and been together 37 years - since they were 18.) Her DH has had one ailment after another for the last 5 years. She goes with him to multiple clinic appointments, multiple doctors appointments, X ray departments, phlebotomy clinics, various hospital referrals, MRI scans, heart and liver and kidney tests, and allergy tests, and all sorts of consultations and other various appointments for his ailments and conditions.

He moans and whines and sulks if she doesn't want to go/says she is not going. So she goes for a quiet life. She says going with him, is better than the dark, cold mood he will be in for DAYS if she doesn't. This is A FIFTY FIVE year old man!

She said - just last week - that she doesn't know how much more she can take, especially as even after the multiple dozens of medical appointments (over five years,) they have found NOTHING wrong with him.

Even though she is 55, she is seriously thinking of bailing on their marriage. She says she feels sick and nauseous and generally thoroughly depressed, at the thought of spending the next 20-30 years with this man.

Don't be her. Get rid now.

All over his body? The poor man.

Good god, I have it on one part of my body and sometimes feel like scratching my skin off.

This is just a terrible cycle, I think he needs some proper help to beak it. His skin makes him feel miserable on every level, so he comforts himself with junk food and the odd ciggie. This doesn’t help his skin which gets worse, and the whole thing goes round again.
Elimination diets are hard work, and even harder when you don’t feel very robust, so I do sympathise. It may not even be a dietary issue.

Gut health is v important with skin issues. He needs to cut out sugar as much as possible, and drinking kefir every day can be helpful. www.chucklinggoat.co.uk/
I had a different skin issue, but it has helped mine.
I don’t know if you should stay with him or not, but he is obviously not coping well with his skin issues and maybe feels hopeless about it ? Eczema is painful and also affects sleep, which makes anyone prone to eating sugary junk and feeling depressed. I think you need to be honest with him that you don’t think you can stay with him unless he is more proactive and willing to help himself feel a bit better. Very hard though, as I assume he has been suffering with this all his life ? It must have had a huge impact on him.

YANBU for breaking up with him, but I'm really not sure about the accusations that he's not helping himself. I'm not convinced his illnesses would magically disappear if he eat more healthily and showering too much does make eczema worse.
Of course, he shouldn't smoke, but it might be that this is not the right time for him to give up and you knew he was a smoker from the beginning.

Break it, not beak it, obvs !

Breaking up with him because you're not enjoying your life with him is perfectly valid.

Whether he's "trying" to minimize the problems or not you aren't obligated to stay with someone just because they have pulled the short straw in some aspects of life. A relationship has to be good for both of you and if it isn't you shouldn't be in it. This would be true if you thought he was "trying" too - the only difference there would be your hope that things might improve but that still wouldn't require you to stay with him if you weren't getting what you need form the relationship. You don't have a lifetime of commitments together supporting each other through thick and thin to in any way obligate you. Even if you did, that's not enough for your life to be made unhappy in order to support him.

Yanbu
He is not helping himself.

How often do you get to see him and have fun together? What about the sex? One year in and you'd expect it to still be pretty frisky, is it working for you?