to break up with boyfriend because he's always ill?

[namechange100002]

Name changed as I know this may be controversial and I have family on here. Sorry it's long but want to give full info.

Genuinely am trying not to be a dick, adore the bones of my boyfriend so I hate that I feel this way.

BF and I have been together for a year now. We are serious about each other, love each other to bits. Neither of us wants to be without the other. I have a child (KS1 primary age) from a previous relationship, he is very understanding and really likes her too - we were friends before getting together so he already knew her.

BF has lots of pre-existing medical conditions: depression (under control with meds at present), eczema, asthma and allergies. His eczema covers most of his body. The last six months it has been flaring up on and off constantly. Doctors not interested in curing him or finding the cause, just giving him endless creams and then antibiotic steroids when it gets infected. He tried going private but couldn't afford it once the bill went into the high hundreds.

Out of the last month I have seen him 3 days because his skin has been so bad, he's in pain and is embarrassed to be seen. He knows it doesn't bother me but wont even visit when it gets like this as he just wants to lie in bed at home. He's been hospitalised twice since september because it's become infected and borderline septic. He's been in work for about 15 days total in the last six months.

He doesn't help himself with his skin or his asthma. He eats junk food (doesn't like fruit/veg etc), smokes (5 or 6 a day), doesn't shower enough (says it hurts his skin) and barely leaves the house (due to pain/embarrassment).

I was meant to be meeting his family on Christmas day. He cancelled as his skin was bad. He's also cancelled on me for boxing day. I moved house last month and he couldn't come to that either. We went on holiday a couple of months ago and he spent 4 of the 7 days in hospital.
He isn't being proactive about getting it sorted, just deals with it getting bad when it does.

I can't make plans with him as they ALWAYS get spoiled or cancelled. He constantly lets me down.

I've tried to be really understanding and I see how much he goes through dealing with it. I absolutely adore this man, we get along so well and every other aspect of our relationship is great. I just can't see it getting better than this right now and feel very low after sitting alone on Boxing Day while my daughter is with her dad and stepmum.

I don't want to end the relationship. But I am finding myself so so resentful and alone, again. eats chocolate and cries at Christmas With The Kranks

So, honestly, AIBU?

What Sexequality says ^^

If his condition had developed gradually over years while you were married to him, that would be different. You haven't promised 'in sickness or in health' to this man, however, and the relationship is new and exploratory.

Is it impolite to ask what he's living on, Boss? Is he self-employed? Does he have a very understanding employer or is he relying on benefits? If he moves in with you, you may find he is no longer entitled to some of the support he may have been getting.

Think hard; you already have a child whose welfare you are prioritising.

No-one choses to be ill especially not with incurable illnesses. There is no cure for asthma or eczema. They both change sometimes barely noticeable other times they are really bad often needing hospital treatment.
There have been so many heartless comments made on this thread. I have had some really nasty comments in real life too. I hope none of you get any of these kinds of illnesses because I don't think you would be able to cope.

I think the comments have mainly been compassionate towards the OP's bf, but compassion doesn't mean she owes him an intimate relationship.

I hope none of you get any of these kinds of illnesses because I don't think you would be able to cope

I hope I never have to find out what it's like to be asthmatic. I do have eczema, but nowhere near as bad as the OP's bf. I don't imagine I would suddenly take up smoking and eliminate all fruit and vegetables from my diet, but who knows? I imagine his MH is a factor here. I had a parent who struggled with MH and alcoholism until the day they died young. Yes, of course I nursed them, as a daughter would, but I wouldn't choose to be in a relationship with someone who is addicted (booze in my parent's case, cigs in the OP's bf's) and in self destruct mode with poor diet. I would definitely remain friends if they let me and support them as a friend, but I wouldn't choose a romantic relationship or move in with someone going through similar. Been there, not through choice and I would never choose to do it again.

I do think if the op and he were married with dcs it would be a different story, but they are only just starting out on a new relationship, to the point he won't even let the op see him and cancels plans when he is unwell. I don't see how this can work as a new relationship.

Thank you to everyone who replied.

I spoke to BF last night and said

'I'm really struggling right now. After spending Christmas and boxing day mostly alone, the 10th time you've cancelled on me in the last two months, I'm feeling very down about things. You know I love you but unless you let me support you through this and actively try to change, I can't be with you any more. I'm definitely not perfect and I'm trying really hard to be understanding, but I feel so lonely in this relationship it hurts.

I'm doing the veganuary challenge this year with work, I want you to try going dairy-free with me as you didn't give it a chance last year and it's something the doctor suggested could help. I want you to cut down smoking. I'm not asking you to quit. But even just by 1 or 2 a day, it's not good for your asthma and that worries me. I also want you to make more of an effort - I'll buy you some cotton pyjamas and you need to change them daily. Even if you can't shower it's important to keep your skin clean. You need to keep up with your creams and lying in bed all day every day won't help. I saw how you were after being in hospital on holiday. I want that you. I've never seen you so happy and I know it's because your skin didn't hurt.

I don't think this is too much to ask and I would love it if you would try for me and for us. I'll help as much as I can.
I love you and I want to help you get better so we can make this work but I need to put myself and DD first as I can't carry on our relationship without knowing there's a future.'

He's said he'll do what I asked and he's sorry for how I feel. So that's good. Hopefully things might get better.

In answer to some other questions

• no he doesn't have a dermatologist, the NHS have refused under the grounds that it's 'under control' - it isn't. But by the time he's well enough to leave the house to see the GP, it's not as flared any more.

• he has a pretty good job admin based for the NHS which is why they are so understanding with all this time off. I do worry for his future though as they aren't going to keep him off indefinitely.

Honestly OP I beg of you to get him to fight for a dermatologist and get on the dupixent injection!!! It is life changing

@Sparkle2020 thank you, I have said to him to look into that now x

If his eczema tends to get better before going to the doctors I'd recommend taking pictures on a phone of it at its worst. Mine had a habit of clearing up a bit just before appointments - and that led to me being sent home as fine when I actually had a skin infection turning septic.
Not to be alarmist, but people do underestimate eczema, including GPs.
I hope he can get it sorted.

And get him to ask for allergy testing.

And going dairy free will only work if he has a dairy allergy. It will not be good for him mentally to exclude something and for it not to work. You should not really exclude anything without some allergy testing.

Don't be his mum.

If he wants to find out about the potential impact of dairy, how long to try it for, etc etc then he can use google and forums the same as the rest of us here. You searching for him, gathering advice for him is encouraging wrong behaviours.

He has to take responsibility for finding his own particular eczema triggers. Don't turn into the controlling mum of an idiot child. Give him a chance to prove he can act like a grown man. You want to be in a relationship with a responsible adult man, yes?

A change of diet could improve his skin and his depression. One last hoorah to push him into change? I’d be inclined to suggest both changing your diets for three months, cut out all wheat and milk, (no cheese!!) see how you both feel. They are starting to think some depression is a result of internal inflammation and this can be helped with less inflammatory foods. Lots of fruit and veg. He just has to be brave and try

I was all ready to be like noooo argh because I have an autoimmune disease and bipolar so I know my partner has it hard. But you’re not breaking up because of that are you you’re braking up because he’s bloody irresponsible!

YADNBU

I hope things improve and you can stay together, I feel for both of you. You obviously love him, your description of his transformation when the eczema disappeared was really moving.

When I met exh he had appalling eczema. He had also been hospitalised for it.

He lived by himself so used to come round mine a lot for dinner, and by some miracle, a few months of eating properly and his eczema got so much better and he has not been hospitalised since then, even though we've been divorced for 8 years

No one had explained the link between food and eczema to him. And tbh if they had done, I'm not sure he realised just how bad his diet had been for it. It's easy to say someone isn't doing something for themselves but sometimes it's harder than you realise especially with mental health problems tied in.

But what I will say is if it's hard work now so early on, I doubt it will get much easier so have a think.....!

I massively sympathize with him for his chronic illnesses, that cannot be easy. I sympathize with you too and don't feel YWBU to dump him because he does not want to be proactive. I do however think YABVU in trying to 'save' him; his life sounds pretty grim but he clearly does not want saving with vegan diets and what not, he seems happy enough as he is. He may go along with it now but you will spend the rest of your life badgering and cajoling this man into trying to improve the quality of his life.

On a completely side issue I wouldn't be surprised if he gets signed off work for good, there is no way they will be patient much longer. If he has no dermatologist and GP insists his symptoms are under control then he is very unlikely to qualify for PIP either, so you could end up having to help him financially too - just something to think about.

OP you could be describing a friend of mine! If he is like my friend nothing you can say or do will get him to take responsibility. All the things you say you've talked about with him, are no doubt things friends and family (and health professionals) have suggested to him already. Every time someone new suggests diet changes, etc to my friend, he acts like it's the first time he's heard the idea or he claims he has tried such changes, when he hasn't.

Honestly, sometimes people cannot be helped as they won't or can't help themselves. It's not wrong to think you can't build a future who won't even try to help himself, regardless of the impact it has on him and you.

As an aside - Allergy tests aren't entirely reliable and only show ige (immediate reactions) allergies not non-ige (delayed reactions) allergies. It's not uncommon for eczema to be caused by the latter. The only 'test' for non-ige allergies is elimination and see if it helps.

I'm not a fan of ultimatums but that's basically what's needed here I think. And what you have done, which is great. He might fail at the first hurdle and it might take you finishing things for the penny to really drop and him to realise you're worth making a bigger effort for and try to win you back. Is there anyone in the family that can help afford private allergy testing? It might make all the difference. My nephew had the most awful eczema, turns out dairy and soya and mushrooms were the culprit. Once eliminated the eczema disappeared, after years of suffering and steroids. It must be dreadful for him, but at this stage you need to stand firm and that might be the best thing that's ever happened for him.

I feel sorry for him as that sounds really hard to deal with. I wonder if alternative medicine might be worth trying. Have you told him exactly how let down you feel? It's really horrible for you being let down again and again. I suggest a very serious chat about it before breaking it off...

Oops, just read that you have already spoken. Sounds like you were clear with him. Good for you OP

OP- i think you handled it perfectly.

I dont know why people keep saying that diets or giving up smoking "won't cure" his health issues. I think we all recognise that there is no such "miracle cure". But if you have a debilitating health issue such as this, why on earth wouldn't you at least TRY different diets to see if they can help? If I had that problem, you're damn sure I'd be trying every bloody thing out there I could think of to see if it would help. Even a small improvement is better than nothing if it gets me out of the house.

Regarding the smoking- of course giving up smoking won't "cure" asthma, but smoking when you have lung issues is just flat out idiotic, and I'm not surprised the OP gets frustrated by that.

Also- the NHS won't employ him indefinitely if he is off sick all the time. Eventually, he won't be able to work if his condition doesnt improve and what then? The OP has to support him financially too? in addition to her child? No. He needs to make an effort himself swell.

I do feel really sorry for him as it sounds awful however YANBU.

You have one life...why should you spend it waiting around? Its not asif he makes the effort to help himself. You'd like to think you wouldnt be included in the ppl who he was embarrassed to be seen infront of.

You deserve to be happy x

@ProfessionalBoss - lay off the Disney. You're bonkers if you think the OP should sacrifice her happiness in the name of love.

I work for the NHS, I would say there is a high chance his days are numbered. I had 6 months off for a chronic back condition and they got rid of me on medical grounds - after working in the same department for 17 years! He needs to check his contract..
Also, perhaps you should have a break from being in a relationship, suggest you split for a month perhaps, have no/minimal contact and see how you both feel about things after that?

He sounds like a right lame duck, and I'd definitely be ending things. At least until he sorts himself out.