to break up with boyfriend because he's always ill?

[namechange100002]

Name changed as I know this may be controversial and I have family on here. Sorry it's long but want to give full info.

Genuinely am trying not to be a dick, adore the bones of my boyfriend so I hate that I feel this way.

BF and I have been together for a year now. We are serious about each other, love each other to bits. Neither of us wants to be without the other. I have a child (KS1 primary age) from a previous relationship, he is very understanding and really likes her too - we were friends before getting together so he already knew her.

BF has lots of pre-existing medical conditions: depression (under control with meds at present), eczema, asthma and allergies. His eczema covers most of his body. The last six months it has been flaring up on and off constantly. Doctors not interested in curing him or finding the cause, just giving him endless creams and then antibiotic steroids when it gets infected. He tried going private but couldn't afford it once the bill went into the high hundreds.

Out of the last month I have seen him 3 days because his skin has been so bad, he's in pain and is embarrassed to be seen. He knows it doesn't bother me but wont even visit when it gets like this as he just wants to lie in bed at home. He's been hospitalised twice since september because it's become infected and borderline septic. He's been in work for about 15 days total in the last six months.

He doesn't help himself with his skin or his asthma. He eats junk food (doesn't like fruit/veg etc), smokes (5 or 6 a day), doesn't shower enough (says it hurts his skin) and barely leaves the house (due to pain/embarrassment).

I was meant to be meeting his family on Christmas day. He cancelled as his skin was bad. He's also cancelled on me for boxing day. I moved house last month and he couldn't come to that either. We went on holiday a couple of months ago and he spent 4 of the 7 days in hospital.
He isn't being proactive about getting it sorted, just deals with it getting bad when it does.

I can't make plans with him as they ALWAYS get spoiled or cancelled. He constantly lets me down.

I've tried to be really understanding and I see how much he goes through dealing with it. I absolutely adore this man, we get along so well and every other aspect of our relationship is great. I just can't see it getting better than this right now and feel very low after sitting alone on Boxing Day while my daughter is with her dad and stepmum.

I don't want to end the relationship. But I am finding myself so so resentful and alone, again. eats chocolate and cries at Christmas With The Kranks



So, honestly, AIBU?

[Rubyupbeat]

It is sad, for both of you.
As having nephews with severe eczema I know personal care can make a big difference. Showering every day, using aqueous cream instead of gels, then coating their bodies in said cream after shower. They will still get infections from time to time, but as their skin is more supple than it could have been it foesnt split or itch as much.
Also diet is a huge game changer, you need to work this out yourself.
And keep nagging for referral to dermatologist and keep on for this. If they aren't any good, get 2nd opinion.
I really hope this can be worked out for you both.

[beigebrownblue]

Get the point about him needing to help himself.

Have either of you though been in touch with the Eceza society?

i used to have really bad skin issues and small changes like changing my washing powder from biological to non biological helped a lot.

It is a question that you are not asked at the G.Ps.

Eczema society have other resources and suggestions. As someone has said, giving cortisones is really a sticking plaster approach. Do try talking to them, there is a lot on the website too.

[beigebrownblue]

Eczema society.

[Northernsoullover]

Bloody hell. You can see who doesn't RTFT. Zombie, for the millionth time.

[Lokdok]

Unless he has a food allergy he’s wilfully ignoring them your quick fixes won’t work. You just don’t love him. It sounds like he might have MCAS by the way.

[52andblue]

@Ohyesiam

It’s not the illness, it’s the abdication off responsibility that is bothering you.

this.
My exH has ASD. It's not his ASD that bothers me, it's the constant cry of 'it's not my fault, I've got ASD' & the total refusal to help himself in any way. I have a pretty good understanding of ASD and how enormously hard it is to manage in an NT world (both our teenage kids have ASD & there is very little support & their lives will not be easy). Looking at his family it is probably learned helplessness too. But, Life can be hard. It is certainly unfair. And you have to be 'on your own side' if you can. He may be more depressed than you / he realises. The eczema sounds awful (I have a nephew who struggles to this extent with it and he finds any washing very painful. GP / NHS useless) maybe he 'doesn't see the point' eating healthily right now.
But that's a vicious cycle as you have seen.
You have listed the 'downsides' of continuing with him. Are the upsides enough to balance those out?
Before you split, is it worth trying a convo re his attitude to life rather than his health issues, to see if you can get through to him re this?

[RedHelenB]

So if he are well, stopped smoking and showers more then his eczema would clear up? I've a feeling that it isn't as simple as that but you're not in a commited relationship, you don't owe him anything and you find it annoying that you hardly see him. So yanbu to split up, but yes the reason is his illness.

[52andblue]

@ShinyMe

IT'S TWO YEARS AGO! I DOUBT SHE NEEDS ADVICE NOW!

Ah....
(goes to make 1st coffee)

[SunLovingMum]

So disappointing. I thought op had come back with an update.

[IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves]

I know this is a zombie but fucking hell, the number of posts suggesting ways she can take control and manage him and take care of him and 'fix' the situation. Jesus h.

[Betsythecheshirecat]

I voted yabu but also feel yanbu.

You mentioned he had depression and although you say it's under control, I think his skin situation could really affect his mood. To me his condition sounds really miserable.

However, you've not taken a vow to love him "in sickness and in health" and are free to walk away for whatever reason you choose. Your life and your daughter's life doesn't need to suffer because of his condition.

Have you spoken to him about your feelings much?

[Palavah]

@Glitterbug101

Showing with an extremely bad flare up of eczema, from personal experience, is absolutey agony. If healthcare professionals aren't willing to hyp and he cannot afford private health care, I dont really see it being his fault for not trying to sort it. Maybe this is linked to his depression as it is a debilitating condition, with no means of a solution to end it.

This. He's clearly suffering from depression and that will make it more difficult for him to take control of his health. There's no way of knowing that a change of diet and stopping smoking would relieve his eczema

[ACreakingGateNeverStops]

There's nothing so frustrating as people who won't help themselves and take responsibility.
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all OP. Infact by staying with him it could be viewed that your facilitating how he behaves.

[Chickychickydodah]

I’d bin him,he doesn’t want to take care of himself . Move on and enjoy your life

[viques]

If you think ahead five or ten years how do you see your life?

How do you want your career to progress?

Where do you want to be living in 5 or 10 years time?

Do you want to have children?

Do you want to travel?

Do you want to have a supportive circle of good friends with whom you socialise ?


Which of the above/ how many of the above would you be willing to forgo or amend in order to stay with, support and care for your boyfriend? How do you think you would be able to cope emotionally , financially and physically ?

[Wellonlyifihaveto]

This thread is 2 years old!! Can no one read lol

[Jux]

ZOMBIE THREAD

[Standrewsschool]

I was sympathetic, until you said he doesn’t help himself. Junk food and smoking is not going to help his eczema and health in general.

[namechange30455]

@Cloudyapples

You wouldnt be breaking up with him because he is ill, you’d be breaking up with him because he isn’t being responsible for himself and making choices that could make him better. He isn’t taking care of himself and doing what needs to be done - that tells you all you need to know about your future with him.

This.

I opened this thread with interest as my partner has a lot of underlying conditions that mean he's not well a lot of the time. I sympathise, as it's really difficult sometimes.

But my DP is actually trying to make them better with diet and regular doctors appointments asking to try new regimes until they find one that works, and he wouldn't cancel on seeing me repeatedly just because one of them was flaring up.

[LimitIsUp]

ZOMBIE THREAD

[LimitIsUp]

Oops I am Jux's echo

[Hotchox]

I expect it's been said upthread, but don't lump the lack of showering in with the eating junk food. He's correct that water hitting a flared-up bit of skin is agony, and will also make the flare-up worse. Crap as they are, luke-warm showers every 2/3 days are the way forward if your skin is sensitive.

Assuming it hasn't been said already, he needs to make sure he's using non-allergenic soap (simple or whatever), non-bio washing powder, stay at a healthy weight (folds of fatty skin flare-up all the time), keep his nail rigorously short (trim every few days, round off the sharp edges with a nail file), use steroid ointment instead of cream on affected areas, and put it on for a few days after the flare-up clears. Wash clothes and bedding a LOT (don't hang stuff outside, it will come in covered in pollen, tumble dry instead). Clean up the house of dust and mould, and consider wooden floors instead of carpets, and then, yeah, pack in smoking and eat better. Excema can't be cured, but it can be managed - you just have to stay on top of things.

I am not a dermatologist, but I speak from personal experience, the above prescription is working well for me. Good luck.

[Hotchox]

And now I see that this thread is old. Ah well, maybe the advice will help someone else.

[Dragongirl10]

A lot of his health problems would be hugely helped by a healthy diet, not smoking and other easy life changes...he is choosing not to do this so in effect choosing ill health.

Move on and let him go.

[CorrBlimeyGG]

ZOMBIE THREAD