SIL's Christmas gift involves 2 days off work WIBU not to accept it?

[peoplepleaser1]

SIL has bought DH and I (plus SIL and BIL) tickets to a band that we like for Christmas. Lovely gift but it's in Dublin, on a week day and the plan is that we go for a couple of days.

I was made redundant in February last year. Picked myself up and set up a dog waking and cat care business. It's been a long hard slog but it's going pretty well. I work alone, this works well for me because I feel it means I can guarantee a consistent, excellent, reliable service.

DH has a great job and is earning way way more than me. He has 4 weeks of holiday entitlement at work plus a few extra days as he quite often works extra days.... He loves to go away so we tend to take 4 weeks of actual holiday away from home.

It's tricky taking holidays in my job as people rely on me, plus if I don't work I don't earn. However I've taken the view that I'm a real person, and I need a break- so last year I gave clients loads of notice and took four weeks off in the year.

TBH given the choice I wouldn't have taken so much time in my first year, but it means so much to DH and he works so hard that I felt I should.

I don't want to go on this trip to Dublin. Looking at flights I don't think I can do it with less than 2 days off. I'm not London based so unless I travel for hours my flight options are limited.

I would also have childcare and dog care to arrange- both doable but costly and tricky.

Am I ungrateful to be annoyed that SIL has booked this trip without asking me if I could make it work? DH thinks I should just give my customers lots of notice and go. I feel that's a bit dismissive of my job- I want to be reliable, and I'm working so hard to build a client base and make my business work.

I've got my knickers in a twist about this and am really annoyed at SIL for booking it, and DH for getting annoyed when I said I wasn't sure I should go (he says it will cause a lot of upset if I don't go).

TBH if I thought I could justify a couple of days off here and there I would choose to do it in the school holidays to spend time with DC!

AIBU?

Yanbu, this is simple. You can't go as you've got bookings to do the cat sitting and the agreement is that you do it rather than delegate.

I think it is different if it is just dog walking as those are regular clients who have to accept that people take holiday (like their cleaner or gardener) and work round it.

But the cat sitting is a specific booking, those people will be annoyed at having yo arrange something else and won't use you again because they won't trust you. They may aldo damage your reputation by telling others.

If the OP was a wedding photographer, an event caterer or party entertainer would people still still be saying to sack off the booking? This is really no different and assuming your SIL knows what you do, it was a silly present to buy you.

So either give to your dh to take unpaid leave and go with someone else or sell the tickets and get yourself something nice.

You just tell your SIL that you've got bookings and you can't go, it's as simple as that. In any business you're only as good as your reputation.

I think you should be firm and not go. Why jeopardise your business doing something that isn’t vital. She should have checked with you first for sure. Your DH can go without you surely.

Yanbu. It so hard to take time off when you run a Client based business. I got moaned at for having a baby, taking 3 months maternity leave 🙄
I’ve just spent Christmas miscarrying and I’m relieved it’s over a pre booked holiday, so I don’t have to listen to people’s whining that I’m off.

Yanbu. It is rude to buy someone a present that involves them paying - and this includes loss of income as well as travel costs.

The more I think about this (yes I am bored) the more I think it is very cheeky as this gift is not for the OP, it's for the SIL who wants to see the band. If it was for the OP they would have bought two tickets not four.

Sorry if this has already been said (I only got to page 4 and am so surprised at the responses I needed to jump in!) Imagine if this was a childminder. She has your child. She's published her 4 week's holiday. You've booked your annual leave accordingly. Then she tells you she needs more time off. But you have no more leave.....would that be acceptable? It the same with dig walkers. People employ them because they are working and need their dog looked after. You can't just take additional days here and there when they come up.

OP just say no. Your holidays are already booked. You have cat booking already accepted. Sorry it's a lovely gift but unfortunately you can't come. They do not understand the needs of a Self Employed person - or they don't take your work seriously.

It does sound like you aren't that keen to go and are using work as an excuse - if I was a client, I'd find you having a whole month off a much bigger PITA than a couple of days (speaking as someone whose childminder did this exact thing last year, including the loads of notice).
However, YANBU for not wanting to go. It's frankly stupid to buy someone a present that will inconvenience them AND cost them money, especially without explicitly checking with them first. I sympathise as I would probably feel the same way as you - annoyed for being put in that position and feeling you have no way out of it without looking like an ungrateful cow (you're not BTW). I would say to DH that he should have checked with you first, and he can either pay for your travel/accommodation and sort childcare, find someone else to take.

Sorry, or find someone else to take

YANBU

I'd be most annoyed with DH though. He sounds like a few posters here - that your job is insignificant. It's really not to your clients and as you also have a cat boarding booking, I'd say that's on a par with a colleague already having booked the days.

You're trying to establish a business and at this stage recommendation is key. I know loads of small businesses that don't have cover for emergencies and illness. Telling clients in advance what 4 weeks you're away for is a perfectly good way of managing it. Illness is just one of those things.

I'm self employed and understand the pressure of setting up your business, being reliable and not wanting to let clients down.

However you do need to have cover you can rely on - it's a fundamental part of being professional and successful. My business is not dog walking, but it's similar in that I am effectively selling myself and my time. Twice in 5 years I've had to field a substitute due to illness/bereavement and you need to have someone who can do this. I've also replaced myself a couple of times for social reasons (a wedding, a surprise break) but this was done with many months notice and agreement with clients.

If you really wanted to go you could make it happen. You have 6 months notice which makes it possible. But I don't think you really want to go.

By the way I do understand the frustration that some people think that being self employed means you can just drop everything at a whim!

OP is not using work as an excuse. She has commitments that she doesn’t want to go back on and she shouldn’t have to.

SIL has not asked if those days were ok, she’s just shown disrespect for what the OP does.

If her DH can’t get those days off would he be using work as an excuse?

OP say thank you for the tickets but sorry you won’t be able to go and then leave the fall out to your DH.

Good luck with your business.

I completely understand where you are cunning from OP.

2 -3 days off to go to a midweek gig could lose you a year-round customer.

Your time doesn’t belong to other people to decide how you use it, and it was a risk SIL took.

If you were my dog Walker (I have neither dog nor Walker) by the time I have allowed for the 4 weeks, and then need to find alternative for another half week I might as well keep the alternative permanently.

I think people are being very dismissive of your job and income.

As a customer it's always annoying when the dog sitter is on holiday. I have to find someone else and if that someone else is as good or better I could well move my custom to them.
I bet op doesn't take bank holidays off either.

I am actually also in the camp of yanbu.....however

Although it's more the cat sitting that's the issue. A close family member owns a dog walking business (that in fact can be incredibly lucrative if you are trustworthy / kind to people's dogs etc and build up a decent client base) - people will pay a lot of money to ensure their precious pets are well looked after!! However, they can live without their dog being walked by you for 2 days. I know from experience. The pet sitting is the real issue as you have committed to presumably allow your customers to fulfil other plans, which they will then have to make alternative arrangements for rather than just saying "oh well, Barney won't be walked today then". That would pee me off as I'd say don't commit if you can't promise reliability.

HOWEVER with that being said, it's doable and most people are reasonable people who, if you explained that you'd been gifted this trip etc, would say great - go and have a lovely time. So if you want honest MN advice, stop pretending there's no way you'd go and leave your job when in fact it's clear you could if you wanted to, you just don't want to go.

And that's ok.

There are two separate things here the regular dog walking ( which I agree could be cancelled rearranged with 6 months notice) then there is the cat sitting which has been booked well in advance by other people presumably because they need those specific dates these clients are relying on OP doing these precise dates hence why it is booked so far in advance

I suggest you say to SIL if it was a dog walking only day although it would be difficult and awkward it would be possible to rearrange but these specific clients have already booked these specific dates and I can't rearrange them as once I take a booking for specific dates these dates are then unavailable for both other clients and other events

It is like running a b&b which as someone meanly said is not propping up the economy if you don't want to take bookings for the third week in June you block it off but once you have a booking for third week in June you can not really cancel it for an event even if you cancel for a bereavement or serious illness you may still lose clients business

I have been self employed for decades first as a dentist when I put my holidays in the appointment book but you will annoy people if you have to cancel rearrange people at short notice as sometimes they have to take time off work for the appointment it is unavoidable for illnesses but it still annoys patients. I now work in a different field entirely though I can be pretty flexible they are a couple of days around every second weekend which I need to work in order to provide the work for the next two weeks if I miss these it is the equivalent of taking 2weeks annual leave

People want their dog walker while at work they trust OP to come to their house unlock it set alarms take dog bring it back and then re lock their house if they work Monday to Friday the OP offering to do Saturday and Sunday instead of Tuesday and Wednesday is of no use whatsoever

to OP part of being self-employed means having a back up plan, I know you have one for emergencies but you need one for planned holidays too you should be arranging your own cover as that way you are less likely to lose clients than if they have to find their own cover.

@ferrier you surely don't expect your dog sitter to never have a holiday or days off by

OP I've been running a successful solo freelance business for over 20 years. What you need to know is that people are fundamentally not going to want to drop you unless you really screw up, because replacing you is a hassle they don't need. What I would do is sort out cover, offer two extra free sessions at a date of their choosing, and present them with the plan. If you've done the legwork with sorting out the cover so that they don't need to sort anything, they will continue to book with you. I might be tempted to claim to have something like a minor elective medical procedure that it's a PITA for you to change.

I totally get you OP. I wouldn’t take time off work and use my precious annual leave to go to something that someone else wants me to go to! Nice gesture but really not that thoughtful a present.

This isn’t a gift. It’s a thoughtless controlling attempt at a gift.
I bought my Mum and my sister tickets to something a few years ago but before booking checked that they were free on the date in question. It involved a bit of a fib being told ( I asked them both....are you free to babysit for me this evening? Please don’t tell Mum/sister as I’m surprising them with dinner) but the point is, I made sure they were available and that the tickets weren’t going to cause any stress or angst.

I'm feeling a lot more confident that I can thank SIL for the gift but explain that I can't go as I have existing bookings, plus I've already informed my regulars of my holiday dates for next year.

One poster suggested I could manage the trip with no time off but unless I travel 2.5 hours I can only get morning flights to Dublin, and the issue for the return is similar.

It will also cost us flights, hotel, transport and kennels plus I would need to sort childcare.

I also will loose money for those two days.

Plus I like the band but am not a huge fan.

This is all to much to do just for the sake of not upsetting SIL.

She will take it very badly I think but all of this could have been avoided if she had enquired as to wether I could take this time off.

Well done op.
A relative of mine was once ‘given’ a gift of a theatre ticket for the west end slo v with a nights hotel accommodation.
After looking up the cost of travel to the hotel ,the cost of food and drinks the cost of travelling to the theatre and back etc etc it was too expensive for them to go.
I’m going to be paying for an experience for my dd for her next birthday.
I’ve already checked with her.
I will be booking it on a day she does not work and providing transport for us as well.
I wouldn’t dream of booking diverging which costs her lots of money and I would not take a gamble on her being able to get time off.
I’d say something to your dh along the lines of ‘ it’s a shame sil booked this without checking with us first, if she had checked, it would have saved all this hassle.’ As I think he might have given sil the go ahead.

Well done OP.
Those of us who run a business know that you're not being difficult. Good luck with telling her - and if she kicks off - it's her, not you.

"Thank you for all the helpful advice, it's much appreciated. Thank you to those who have been offended on my behalf to those pointing out how insignificant my business is.

I'm used to people pointing this out. As someone said to me on Christmas Eve I'm actually paid to pick up poo! I have held several executive jobs, and it feels like time to do something that I enjoy, that gets me out in nature and allows me to spend time with animals that I love. So I'm ok with my lowly status in my unimportant job!"

If you love your job then don't give people who judge you a second thought. I work nights in a care home and clean ten bathrooms each night (as well as washing/ironing/cleaning etc etc). I love my job. I love my work life balance. I have a degree and a masters and could likely have found a stressful more "impressive" job if I wanted to. No shame in honest work. If people prefer their 6am commute good luck to them.

I agree with you that it's best not to get your own cover when you are off for pre-booked leave. If people ask for recommendations you could offer them. People have not only trusted you with their pet but I assume access/keys to their home and you can't just go handing this access out to other people. You sound like you know how you want to run your business and have it under control. Stick to your guns.