SIL's Christmas gift involves 2 days off work WIBU not to accept it?

[peoplepleaser1]

SIL has bought DH and I (plus SIL and BIL) tickets to a band that we like for Christmas. Lovely gift but it's in Dublin, on a week day and the plan is that we go for a couple of days.

I was made redundant in February last year. Picked myself up and set up a dog waking and cat care business. It's been a long hard slog but it's going pretty well. I work alone, this works well for me because I feel it means I can guarantee a consistent, excellent, reliable service.

DH has a great job and is earning way way more than me. He has 4 weeks of holiday entitlement at work plus a few extra days as he quite often works extra days.... He loves to go away so we tend to take 4 weeks of actual holiday away from home.

It's tricky taking holidays in my job as people rely on me, plus if I don't work I don't earn. However I've taken the view that I'm a real person, and I need a break- so last year I gave clients loads of notice and took four weeks off in the year.

TBH given the choice I wouldn't have taken so much time in my first year, but it means so much to DH and he works so hard that I felt I should.

I don't want to go on this trip to Dublin. Looking at flights I don't think I can do it with less than 2 days off. I'm not London based so unless I travel for hours my flight options are limited.

I would also have childcare and dog care to arrange- both doable but costly and tricky.

Am I ungrateful to be annoyed that SIL has booked this trip without asking me if I could make it work? DH thinks I should just give my customers lots of notice and go. I feel that's a bit dismissive of my job- I want to be reliable, and I'm working so hard to build a client base and make my business work.

I've got my knickers in a twist about this and am really annoyed at SIL for booking it, and DH for getting annoyed when I said I wasn't sure I should go (he says it will cause a lot of upset if I don't go).

TBH if I thought I could justify a couple of days off here and there I would choose to do it in the school holidays to spend time with DC!

AIBU?

If I had an easy dog I would look elsewhere as it is never mind chucking in another two days off

You don't expect dog walkers to take holidays?

I don't think the OP should be bounced into time and expenses when starting a new business but planned and notified holidays are to be expected. Its a service industry not indentured slavery.

I'm sure the people who have booked in advance for June will understand. Its 6 months away, no reason why it would inconvenience them. Explain you were surprised with a Christmas gift and give them a few alternative dates to choose from. It really isn't that big of a deal. I book in advance for the whole year with my dog groomer and she changed one of the dates she booked me in for because she's off to London. Go to Dublin OP and have a great time!

This isn't a gift I would like at all. Irrespective of whether you 'could' make it work you don't want to which is ok.

Tell your DH to fill your space with a friend or not use the ticket.

Do agree with you though that it’s inconsiderate to give a gift involving the recipient’s time and expense without discussing it first.

I totally get you and, no, you are emphatically not unreasonable. I am self employed too, I have actually more than most employed time off, but when I am booked to work (a year in advance often) it is in essence impossible to get out of it. Nor would I want to. Reliability is the whole point of it.

Gifts are not supposed to cost the recipient

Yes exactly. Its the type of gift which should be discussed first or its not a gift its a punishment.

You have work commitments. Your SIL knew this, your DH knows this.

Your DH needs to support you in your business not act like it’s unimportant.

Suggest DH takes a friend, and kindly explain to SIL it was a LOVELY thought, thank you, but you’ve booked all next year’s leave so you just can’t take the time. But that you’re looking forward to spending holidays with her!

I bet your SIL asked your DH if it would be all right... he needs to support your decision not worry about his sister.

Presumably a big difference between you taking the four weeks off and taking those two days off is that you wouldn’t have taken bookings for the weeks you intended to have off. If you’re in a position where you actually have to cancel agreed bookings because of this gift then that’s completely different, and I agree it would be unprofessional to cancel.

Presents that can’t be used without extra expense such as for flights/hotels etc are a bit shit anyway tbh. It might be worth it for a once in a lifetime event that would be top of your bucket list of things to do, but it doesn’t sound like this is.

They’ve created this problem, you have every reason to feel confident in saying no.

Self employed here - if I take holiday I risk losing what I have so it's not worth it. Taking my first holiday if 2 weeks in Feb in3 years now I am more established and it's for a family holiday. Would not dream of taking time off to see a band.

OP I completely understand, best way to have played it would to be unexpectedly ill nearer the time

All those saying the OP just doesn't want to go and the work is just an excuse, surely that's beside the point? Whatever the reason for not wanting to go, the fact remains that giving someone a gift that involves them taking time off on particular days of the year, and taking a financial hit in the form of additional costs and lost revenue, without checking with them first, is thoughtless and inconsiderate.

@peoplepleaser1 I don't think you should go if you aren't comfortable. You are running your own, new, business which is 100% reliant on building trusting relationships with your clients. So personal reliability is at the core of what you are doing here and you are absolutely right that you can't just arrange cover at this stage. When your business is a bit more developed and you organically take on someone else then yes things will be different but you are not there yet and you can't push it. You have correctly identified where the value of your business really is and are rightly reluctant to take more time off that you haven't already notified your customers off, or arrange a substitute. To all those saying, it's only two days, what happens if the OP needs to take more time off because of family emergency or illness? Yes people understand but are less likely to be understanding if it's off the back off extra time off like the trip to Dublin. In a couple of years when your business has bedded in and you have a trusted employee or business partner, things may be different but for now you must do what you know to be right for your business and your customer relations and don't let others who have no understanding of what you are trying to do, guilt trip you into doing what they want you to do.

YANBU

I wouldn't go. A gift shouldn't cause you this much stress.

I wouldn't feel guilty either. I would imagine your husband wouldn't go if it coincided with something important at his work.

Be clear that you aren't going and do it from the off.

You clearly don't want to go.
Even with a dog walking business, you can give loads of notice and people don't mind.

You are contradicting yourself. You said you took 4 weeks holiday? But you can't take 2 days?

If it was a band you liked, or anything else you wanted, you'd make it happen. I'm going to see The Killers next year and believe you me nothing will stop me!!

So you’re happy to take off 4 weeks but these extra two days are just too much? No not buying it! Sounds like you’re making excuses - do you not get on with SIL?

Either way if you don’t go it would be extraordinarily rude and ungrateful to not accept the tickets. You should accept them gratefully and then pretend to be sick closer to the time, resulting in your DH having to take a friend instead, or something. Turning them down now would be really awful.

I think if you take 4 weeks off, 2 extra days are hardly a problem.

You need to employ someone on a casual basis to cover you so that your clients don't have to find their own cover. What would you do if you got sick?

I would go to and stay with someone else if you didn't provide your own cover.

Availing of the gift is going to cost you more in time and money than the gift itself probably cost. That is called going a mile to save an inch. It is like those offers that give you 20 quid off when you spend 100.

So you’re happy to take off 4 weeks but these extra two days are just too much? No not buying it!

Well thousands of people get 28 days holiday and wouldn't be able to take any more. Not sure why you are 'not buying' this from OP. Perhaps you don't consider self employment as a 'real' job. It is. Self employed people can't just take more holidays because they feel like it

Do you work 7 days a week 9-6? If not, could you not just ask them to swap the days around for one week so that you can get two days free but still work?
I’m a single mum that is self employed with two kids. So when I need time off I ask to swap the shifts until a few days later.

You are spending 3 weeks of the 4 already with you SIL? Wow. That's a lot. Why so much?

I understand what you mean, OP. I'm employed, rather than self-employed, but I can't just take annual leave when I like - people often book leave more than a year in advance (taking advantage of cheap holiday deals; planning for celebrations etc. ) and if a particular date is already full, then it's tough luck. So a gift that required me to take time off on a particular date would be a source of stress more than anything else, and unless I was really, really desperate to go I wouldn't want the embarrassment of trying to negotiate time off.

Your ties are to your clients rather than an employer, but I completely see where you are coming from.

Personally I wouldn’t accept a gift that cost me money e.g. childcare, travel, accommodation etc.

I received Guns & Roses tickets for Xmas !

Definitely going

How do you run your business if you are sick ?

As a pet owner, if I’d booked boarding with you and then you reneged with six months’ notice, I would probably be philosophical (“these things happen, don’t worry, there’s plenty of time to sort something out”) but privately I’d be a bit twitchy about your commitment and would be looking for someone else in future. To be clear, I’d have no problem with you refusing a booking for a pre-booked holiday - breaks from work are vital - but cancelling for something other than serious illness or bereavement would not impress me as a client.

So I agree with your position OP, and think that your husband should take a friend or that your SiL should offer the tickets to another couple.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all Op - you're self employed and have clients booked in for those dates, so it's pretty poor professionally to let them down.

If you do really want to go, then cancel those clients now to give them maximum notice however if you do that, I'd expect to lose their custom permanently as you'll be considered unreliable.

I don't think a gift that costs the receiver money and also means they need to use annual leave is a thoughtful gift at all - seems very selfish on their part to me. Tell your DH to take someone else and just explain to your SIL why you can't go. Don't be bullied or guilted into doing something you don't want to do or that will cost you your business reputation.