SIL's Christmas gift involves 2 days off work WIBU not to accept it?

[peoplepleaser1]

SIL has bought DH and I (plus SIL and BIL) tickets to a band that we like for Christmas. Lovely gift but it's in Dublin, on a week day and the plan is that we go for a couple of days.

I was made redundant in February last year. Picked myself up and set up a dog waking and cat care business. It's been a long hard slog but it's going pretty well. I work alone, this works well for me because I feel it means I can guarantee a consistent, excellent, reliable service.

DH has a great job and is earning way way more than me. He has 4 weeks of holiday entitlement at work plus a few extra days as he quite often works extra days.... He loves to go away so we tend to take 4 weeks of actual holiday away from home.

It's tricky taking holidays in my job as people rely on me, plus if I don't work I don't earn. However I've taken the view that I'm a real person, and I need a break- so last year I gave clients loads of notice and took four weeks off in the year.

TBH given the choice I wouldn't have taken so much time in my first year, but it means so much to DH and he works so hard that I felt I should.

I don't want to go on this trip to Dublin. Looking at flights I don't think I can do it with less than 2 days off. I'm not London based so unless I travel for hours my flight options are limited.

I would also have childcare and dog care to arrange- both doable but costly and tricky.

Am I ungrateful to be annoyed that SIL has booked this trip without asking me if I could make it work? DH thinks I should just give my customers lots of notice and go. I feel that's a bit dismissive of my job- I want to be reliable, and I'm working so hard to build a client base and make my business work.

I've got my knickers in a twist about this and am really annoyed at SIL for booking it, and DH for getting annoyed when I said I wasn't sure I should go (he says it will cause a lot of upset if I don't go).

TBH if I thought I could justify a couple of days off here and there I would choose to do it in the school holidays to spend time with DC!

AIBU?

It's annoying how people aren't taking the op's business seriously.

I agree. It's almost as if they think that as her DH has the 'big' job hers is just 'playing at it'. Terrible attitude .

I'm sorry OP but I disagree with your comment that its ok for your DH not to back you up. He should be supporting your new business 100pc and should understand how hard being self employed and gaining and keeping customers is.

People saying it's just two days, have a life clearly don't get it. However I do agree with posters like Anchor, you do need a back up plan as you wont avoid illness for ever!!

You have bookings, tell that to SIL, its important they don't go elsewhere.its your career. You appreciate the thought and your love to go, but unfortunately those dates are not possible. Get it done now!!

And well done for setting up a business in something you enjoy. I'm do the baby thing atm, but hope to set up a business of some form myself next year.

Thank you again for all the helpful points of view.

I should explain that offering additional walks on different days, weekends or bank holidays won't help- most people need me to walk their dogs on specific days because they can't due to work, disability etc.. So offering an alternative may not help.

It doesn't sound as if your DH knew either but are you sure that your SIL didn't check?

Apparently SIL asked DH via text if I liked this band. He didn't get back to her.

Its your business and that comes first. She should have checked and your OH should be absolutely with you in this one. Send your apologies and well done on running a successful business.

YANBU
But they (other sitters/walkers) really are very full so although henry would help in an emergency, they are less inclined to help with holidays.

This says it all, doesn't it. You DO have backup, but only for emergencies, not for holidays and pleasure trips.

It was extremely inconsiderate of your SIL to book without asking. So you need not worry about hurting her feelings. She needs a reality check: this is your business, and should be taken seriously. She can't determine if and when you take random days off for entertainment!

I honestly wouldn't just 'make it happen' without letting her know how you feel. For me you should both decline. It really isn't something most people would do to someone who had kids. Everyone knows holiday allowances are tight.

I wouldn't assume that she just thinks you can take time off because your business isn't important. She is expecting your DH too as well. She presumably knows the score with him having to book holidays in advance.

For me it's perfectly reasonable for you to say that it doesn't work for you and give her the chance to get someone else to go. You can still be grateful for the gift and 'thought':

YANBU

‘Thank you so much for buying the ticket for me but unfortunately, I have business bookings for that date and won’t be able to go. There’s nobody available to cover me at that time as June is such a busy month. My clients are told my holiday dates a year in advance and rely on me being 100% reliable with a good service. I really appreciate the thought behind your present as you know I love that band and hope someone else can enjoy using the ticket’. If SIL takes offence it makes her even more unreasonable!

I use a lovely cat sitter and one of the reasons I chose her is because she always does the visits herself.

I think you can just tell her today that unfortunately you’ve already got bookings for that time.
If she pushes it you can say that you would need a lot more notice to incorporate trips into your annual leave.
You are not being unreasonable- don’t let her make you out to be

People saying it's just two days, have a life clearly don't get it

I work freelance myself and I absolutely do get it. But working for yourself means you can work around things much more easily than when you have a boss you have to ask about whether you can take a day off or not. And as long as people have a few weeks notice they can make arrangements to get a dog walked. I had an extremely reliable childminder who gave us holiday dates for the year but even she on occasion had life happening and took the odd extra day - eg for a wedding (or a funeral). If you can rearrange childcare with 3-6 months notice or less you can absolutely rearrange a dog walk with the same notice.

All the people pointing out that it would be possible to arrange cover and allow yourself this holiday are missing the key point that OP has not chosen this outing, it was planned without any input from her.

I would absolutely nip in the bud any arrangements which did not give me the opportunity to choose for myself the time and content. If you flex to fit in with this 'treat' who knows what they will come up with next.

Very different if someone lets you know that they are thinking of arranging and then ask you whether you would be interested before any firm bookings are made.

Isn't that how adults treat each other ?

YANBU. I find gifts like this bizarre. Worst we got was to some Marvel monster truck experience in Glasgow, from DB to our DC. So he gifted 4x tickets for the family (about £100, very generous.) But we then had to fly to Glasgow (£350)stay 2 nights in a hotel + all the £ for food/ activities on 2 days.
Unless it was already discussed with you, I think it’s quite rude to assume someone will want/be able to take time off work and afford flights/hotel.

Look up FOG - reads to me like your husband has this (fear obligation and guilt) with regard to his sister - it is very hard to escape patterns of childhood so I do sympathise but with knowledge and noticing it is possible. “medium chill” is a good strategy for a technique to help you have the conversation - takes practice but works a treat as you don’t offer them any “emotional hooks” and remain emotionally intact yourself. Personally I think it’s harder to do in person but easier by text as you can have your usual reaction in private & hidden and then give them a medium chill response by text. Any disappointment your SIL feels is not your or your husband’s responsibility. Her feelings are hers to deal with just as yours are your responsibility. I suspect your husband worrying about upsetting his sister more than thinking about impact on you is an approach both you and he have taken over many years...so the first person who needs to put you first is you. If you don’t put yourself first, no one else can be expected to ... you’ll always get resistance because people do always resist change as the difference is uncomfortable...but they’ll adapt. If you keep yourself out of the FOG and not project your uncomfortableness onto them, whilst allowing them to have a little action, then change will happen. If they do more than have a little reaction, then medium chill helps you not taken on responsibility for their feelings. You can only change your own behaviours.
The only person you needs to value your wonderful new business the way you feel it should be valued is you. Good luck! Xx

So you’re happy to take off 4 weeks but these extra two days are just too much?

No she said she had agreed to the 4 weeks planned well in advance as her DH wanted to take them for family holidays so she prioritised his wishes and her clients know the dates in advance.

No not buying it! Sounds like you’re making excuses - do you not get on with SIL

Because the only possible reason for not wanting to change arrangements with clients and shut up your business for a couple of days plus spending hundreds on airfares and a hotel must be a personal dislike of an iL.

Either way if you don’t go it would be extraordinarily rude and ungrateful to not accept the ticket

No what is staggeringly rude is to give people a present which causes them significant cost and expenditure and inconvenience without first discussing it with them. Its also arogant and dismissive.

You should accept them gratefully and then pretend to be sick closer to the time, resulting in your DH having to take a friend instead, or something

Right so the OP should lie? She mustn't turn down something which will cost her money and which she didn't request but its fine to lie through her teeth after saying yes?

Weird standards people have.

I would feel the same as you. If you have already got holiday booked then to add to it, for a reason that you don’t particularly want to do, I would say that you are really sorry, but your business is fairly new and relies on your excellent customer service, so you can’t go. It may have been different if at a weekend, but in the week it’s just not possible.
This is why you should never book holiday for someone else without checking the dates. She should have checked you were available (without spoiling the surprise) first. I would stick to your guns otherwise she’ll do it forever more!

buying tickets isn't rude but its super weird to book tickets in another country that requires air travel. I guess your paying for your own flights so thats not a gift its a burden really.

YANBU and there are a lot of unreasonable assumptions in gifting tickets for a completely different country. Also YOU’RE the one building your business and YOU get to decide when you have time off. Don’t be guilted. You don’t want to go, so don’t go. Handle it sooner rather than later though so it’s not playing on your mind.

Apparently SIL asked DH via text if I liked this band. He didn't get back to her.
So she didn’t properly discussed this with him either? Tbh I just can’t understand how she could book something for 2 adults who have children and job commitments without asking them first.

It doesn’t have to be two days. If you’re in the UK you can get to Dublin from almost any airport in Britain in an hour to an hour and a half. If you really wanted to go and could afford it, it’s easy enough to get a 5pm flight out, be at the gig for 8pm (the main act probably won’t even come on until 9pm anyway), stay over, and get a 7am flight back the following morning. Including travel to and from airports it shouldn’t have to take you more than 24 hours maximum. You and your DH don’t have to travel together so he can stay longer if he wants. If you really like the band then go - it sounds like a great adventure.

I've done exactly your job. It is hard to get going, but if you're good with the animals people won't be as fickle as you think they are. You are allowed time off, though I'd be tempted to try to find cover yourself, so they don't have to look around.
TBH, it does sound like you're not too keen on going.

You will lose clients if you keep this business model and don’t hire a helper to cover OR find another cat/dog walker and sign an agreement to cover for each other.

This. You or the kids might get sick, what then? Six months advance notice is more then enough time to to make alternative arrangements and if it isn’t what the hell would you do in an emergency? This is the time to start looking to have some cover sharing agreement.

I think it's very inconsiderate of your SIL to presume that you can take time off and arrange childcare just because SHE wants to go away. And your DH's attitude to your business is also unhelpful. If you really want to go then take some of the advice on here about cover for clients otherwise just say thank you for the thought and sorry but you weren't consulted and you would prefer to prioritise your business at this stage.

If she had to text dh to find out if you even like the band and didn't wait for a reply then the chances of this being a band that OP has wanted to see all her life is probably slim. SIL wanted to go and have company. I am guessing that if this was say a rugby match you wouldn't have quite a many people urging you to rearrange your entire life for two days to go.

You've got six months to make alternative arrangements for goodness sake! SIL probably should have checked before she booked the tickets, but she didn't, and I think YABU.

The number of people on here complaining about Christmas gifts is astounding!!