SIL's Christmas gift involves 2 days off work WIBU not to accept it?

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SIL has bought DH and I (plus SIL and BIL) tickets to a band that we like for Christmas. Lovely gift but it's in Dublin, on a week day and the plan is that we go for a couple of days.

I was made redundant in February last year. Picked myself up and set up a dog waking and cat care business. It's been a long hard slog but it's going pretty well. I work alone, this works well for me because I feel it means I can guarantee a consistent, excellent, reliable service.

DH has a great job and is earning way way more than me. He has 4 weeks of holiday entitlement at work plus a few extra days as he quite often works extra days.... He loves to go away so we tend to take 4 weeks of actual holiday away from home.

It's tricky taking holidays in my job as people rely on me, plus if I don't work I don't earn. However I've taken the view that I'm a real person, and I need a break- so last year I gave clients loads of notice and took four weeks off in the year.

TBH given the choice I wouldn't have taken so much time in my first year, but it means so much to DH and he works so hard that I felt I should.

I don't want to go on this trip to Dublin. Looking at flights I don't think I can do it with less than 2 days off. I'm not London based so unless I travel for hours my flight options are limited.

I would also have childcare and dog care to arrange- both doable but costly and tricky.

Am I ungrateful to be annoyed that SIL has booked this trip without asking me if I could make it work? DH thinks I should just give my customers lots of notice and go. I feel that's a bit dismissive of my job- I want to be reliable, and I'm working so hard to build a client base and make my business work.

I've got my knickers in a twist about this and am really annoyed at SIL for booking it, and DH for getting annoyed when I said I wasn't sure I should go (he says it will cause a lot of upset if I don't go).

TBH if I thought I could justify a couple of days off here and there I would choose to do it in the school holidays to spend time with DC!

AIBU?

I'm self employed but don't get booked up so far in advance as you. I think if you have people booked in already it would be unprofessional to cancel them, in that respect it works like a job...you have used u all your "holiday" time and can't take any more.

I think in a business like yours you need to decide days at the start of the year and publish them and stick to them. But, I do think you need someone you can rely on if you get sick or there's an emergency.

YANBU. Income and reputation are everything. If your SIL doesn't understand that, then don't worry about upsetting her. And your DP needs to dust off his priorities a bit and be thankful that he's got a resilient, competent, driven DP himself.

OP I totally get where you are coming from. Just because you have blocked out - in advance - 4 weeks holiday is a complete red herring in this situation.

I too am self employed (I run a B&B). Setting up and getting a small business going is really hard work, and you sound like you really care about your business and offering a great service. If I take a booking, I absolutely would not cancel it unless it was a total emergency and completely unavoidable. Not to go on holiday!

If I were you I'd explain to your husband - and then to your SIL - that you already have bookings, ie commitments to your clients, which you cannot cancel. Another time, if you are given enough notice you can block dates out in your diary so you can have time off. But it's too late for this occasion.

Good luck with your business.

This isn't a gift, this is going to probably cost the OP more in flights, hotel and loss of income then the cost of the tickets.

To be fair to your SiL unless you are a in a job that involves life or death or something along those lines, it is quite unusual to not be able to take time off work with lots of notice. Maybe she has been a bit thoughtless but I don't think she deserves this much annoyance. From your posts it sounds like you don't really want to go anyway though, so for that reason alone YANBU not to go. That's the risk people take when buying others 'experience' gifts.

If you already have specific bookings for those dates I agree that you need to honour them.

However, there’s a wider issue here that needs addressing. You have no backup to help you with your work which means that when unplanned issues arise (illness of you or your DC, a family emergency etc.) you are going to end up letting people down.

You are reluctant to do so for very understandable reasons but I think you should start paying someone for a couple of hours a week to come with you cat sitting and dog walking so that you can train them up gradually to do things the way you do. That way, when things crop up there will be someone who can stand in for you.

You keep making excuse after excuse of why you shouldn't go OP. So don't go. You probably wouldn't enjoy going anyway as you would be resentful of having to take the time off work. Tell DH or SIL to pick someone else to go with them. If DH complains explain to him that you don't want to go and also that you don't want to take any more time off work. If he doesn't understand that then I think you've got bigger problems on your hands.

I'm with you, OP.

I'm not self employed but I run a team with planned milestones and key events throughout the year that are managed and arranged well in advance.

There is no way I would / could miss one of those for a leisure activity that I hadn't played a part in scheduling.

It’s a ridiculous gift, expecting you to spend money and take time off.

As you say, better to spend any extra days off with your children. After all they get 13 weeks off a year, so who looks after them the other 9 weeks of the year?

Ignore all the crazy posters on here.

Ebay the tickets and just tell DH your not going and she should have checked with you first.

Just a thought, do you think she checked with him and he said yes to buy them?

I understand your feelings but also agree with people that you need to have some kind of back up cover for all reasons - not just frivolous ones!

What if you are hurt? Sick? Called away for an emergency? You need to find someone you can trust to cover for you. Work on this.

Regarding your SIL's present - never mind the "offensiveness" of you not going, get your DH to find someone else to go with him. SIL, if necessary! They haven't treated your business with respect (so often the case for self-employed people - I know, as I used to be one - others think you can just take time off whenever you feel like it, failing to understand that you have commitments to clients AND you don't get paid if you don't fulfil them!) So don't worry about offending her as she didn't have consideration for you.

But once again - sort out cover for when you really need it.

You’re a dog walker. The economy won’t crash. Dogs will still need walking when you return.

To those not getting it, the OP has already said she has next year's 4 weeks holiday planned. Ie. She has told her clients that she is taking that holiday. If she was not self employed, that is the equivalent of having all her year's holiday booked off with her employer. In that situation she would not be able to just ask for a couple of extra days. She would have to sacrifice two of her other booked days for this- two days which she has planned to use for holiday with her children (and three weeks of which she actually has planned with the same SIL who gave her the tickets!). It is no different just because she is self employed. Yes, theoretically she could let clients down, and take as much holiday as she liked, but then she wouldn't be very successful in her job, and her business may fail.

Like you I have commitments booked a long way in advance which I can't just drop and I would not be going unless I can find a replacement. Also it opens the possibility that this might happen again with something else another year if SIL thinks she has hit the jackpot with gift ideas. You mention the children, do you even have anyone to look after them? Would that involve calling in more favours? At least with lots of notice either a friend can be recruited or they can probably be sold to someone else. You can say that if it was discussed before you took the bookings/ set your holidays it would be fine so another time she knows to check.

Your SIL gave you something she wanted to do without taking your circumstances into consideration. Not much of a gift when it will cost you income and goodwill with your customers.

I think the people talking about whether or not it would be a problem to your business to take time off are speaking out of turn. That's not the point. The point is that you choose what to do with your time, and are under a lot of pressure. So having an additional pressure placed on your time without your agreement is not ok.

They woudln't do this if you were a man. Women's time is always undervalued and so is women's work.

Take some deep breaths and practise the speech (or message, if you feel safer doing it by text) saying no thank you. Be pleasant and polite but very clear that only you can manage your schedule and this trip doesn't work. Offer the tickets to whomever would like them and sound clear, calm, authoritative and polite.

If you’re running that kind of business I can see why it’s really difficult to take time off. You’re selling reliability.

Do you have separate finances from your DH? Does he understand the sacrifices you’ve made by taking 4 weeks (unpaid) holiday because it’s important to him?

. It is clear you just don't want to go. You are just going to have to brave the wrath and refuse to go. The tickets will sell in minutes on a resell site and you can use the money towards your other holidays.

I say this as an Irish person who has a son in Dublin and I have a dog sitter/walker and I know that If you wanted to go it would be quite easy to do just an overnight trip to the concert. It is only 30 minutes drive from Dublin to the venue.(if it's Guns and Roses, much less if it's a concert at one of the other big venues) Early morning flight out, concert, overnight stay and early morning flight back in time for work. With hand luggage and early booking cost will be minimal. I was doing day trips regularly when my father was dying, ( with a 2 hour drive from Dublin thrown in). As for the dog walker it's the same as when I had small children. If the childminder wasn't available you make other arrangements.

Surely the fact that you have kids who can't attend is another big issue? Your sil is Deciding that you should have a break away from your kids and find childcare (mid week?) which may not be practical for most people.
I'd just send husband and a mate and say you will stay with the kids.

@jumpi do you know how dog walking businesses work? People don't just ring up and say 'hi, can you walk my dog in an hour's time please?' They employ people to walk their dog at a set time every day of the year. When the OP takes holiday, they have to make other arrangements. If the OP keeps taking random extra days holiday, they will find someone else to walk their dog who doesn't cause them the extra hassle of constantly having to make other arrangements for their dog. And the OP will lose her clients. They would probably understand exceptional circumstances. Illness. Emergencies (although if it kept happening would probably find someone else anyway). Gig tickets are neither of those.

Having 4 weeks planned a year in advance annual leave presumably built into any contract is completely acceptable.

Being sick / bereavement / any other genuine emergency is annoying but things happen and most people will accept that.

Adding a couple of extra days leave here and there in my book isn’t ok, particularly when you already have bookings.

One thing you could do in the future is consider taking 3 weeks planned and advising your clients that you’ll also be taking a further week through out the year to be determined as you go with say one months notice and never more than 2 days. If people know you may do this in advance they will likely be ok with it. Think you are too late for that for this trip though given you already have bookings.

You’re a dog walker. The economy won’t crash.

What a nasty, dismissive comment.

I couldn't possibly take two days off midweek in school time. I would really resent that gift and have to say no, no way would I go.

YANBU. No reason you have to accept a gift that means you have to take 2 days off work. SIal should have checked availability.

My DD uses a dog walker. If the dog walker isn't available and there's no alternative, she puts her dog into doggy day care. It's not an issue for her at all! She books her slots a month later n advance and the walker lets her know any dates she can't cover.

As someone who has been self employed for quite some time now... whether or not you want to go this time; you do have to have a business model that won't collapse if you get sick. I didn't in my first two years and it took a lot of effort to fix. There is a middle ground between the two business models you mentioned, you could have a reciprocal relationship with other dog walkers and non compete clauses. You cover their holidays/sickness, they cover yours.

I got pneumonia last year and could barely sit up; and I can do most of my work from bed. I just couldn't manage it. It took five weeks to feel well enough to be out and about normally. If that happened to you with your current business model; you'd run the risk of having no customers left when you came back; you'd be building from nothing again.

Don't go to this if you don't want to. Don't go to this if you feel it's a sign of none of your family taking your business seriously. But do make back up plans, even if your USP is that you don't outsource. You're not outsourcing, you're having a back up plan which means you take care of your clients pets as agreed even when you can't physically do it. Without that, you are causing them inconvenience.