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To think new BIL is a weirdo

195 replies

BILisaweirdo · 23/12/2019 15:26

Namechanged because if I’m slagging off DH’s family I’d rather have some plausible deniability. I’m not BU, but not sure how much my dislike for BIL is colouring my view of his behaviour towards DS.

I have only met him twice, but don’t like him for quite a few reasons, most of which I would usually suck up as they are nothing to do with me. SIL has severe MH issues and has never worked. Lives with FIL (lovely MIL died a few years ago). Never had a serious relationship before. She met this guy 9 months ago via a MH support group. He works as a potter, and like her has never been and will never be self-supporting. FIL is moving in with his GF, and has given them both the family home. I find this slightly galling, as DH and I live in a small 2 bed flat in a rough part of East London and they will now own a large four bedroom semi detached house in a nice part of Richmond, that we could never afford despite both working. I also think putting a new boyfriend of nine months on the deeds is madness. But it’s not my money, so I would usually roll my eyes and move on. It’s always been clear DSIL would inherit everything as she has been completely dependent on DPIL her entire life, so makes little practical difference to us.

I find him annoying on a personal level (DSIL was telling a story about her annoying friend, and he reached over, squeezed her hand and said “you’re safe now” - she was never not safe! She was just telling a story! He did this couple of times and it’s was weird as fuck). Again, he’s not my BF, so my annoyance isn’t important.

The first time we met him in October, he immediately suggested that he start taking DS to swimming lessons. Unaccompanied. DS is 3. We said no - I take DS swimming already, have rearranged my hours to enable me to do it, and we both really enjoy it. But he won’t shut up about it - we’ve had messages via SIL asking to take him, he asked again today when we exchanged gifts, and asked DS if he wanted BIL to take him (DS said no). I think it is really fucking weird to want to take a random toddler you have met twice to weekly swimming lessons, and it has made me really wary of having DS in his company at all.

DH agrees he shouldn’t take him swimming, but thinks he’s misguided not a paedophile. Unfortunately the whole family now seem very keen to have DS round to the family home “every week, like your DM does” - DM comes up to see me once a week, and has done since DS was born. I really do not want this to happen without me present, and frankly don’t want to schlepp over there every week for a duty visit either.

SIL is TTC, and DH think it is all part of BIL trying to demonstrate what a great dad he would be. He also thinks the whole family will lose interest in DS as soon as SIL gets pregnant, because none of them were remotely interested in him prior to October (FIL and SIl saw him on birthdays and Christmas only).

So, swimming is definitely not happening. How militant should I be about stopping DS going round to their house without me? There isn’t really much of a relationship there to be honest (DS has no clue who any of them are). I feel that this is all being driven by new BIL, and the fact that he is pushing for so much contact with my toddler really creeps me out.

OP posts:

wineandroses1 · 23/12/2019 15:30

Be straight with BIL - "no, he is only 3, and until he is older he will be with me or DH. I don't want to keep discussing this".


Moonflower12 · 23/12/2019 15:33

I agree. As above or 'DS is too young to be with out us- he'd get upset.'


Pissedoff1234 · 23/12/2019 15:34

Does he have SN? It sounds a lot like he does from your posts.


ComtesseDeSpair · 23/12/2019 15:34

DS doesn’t go anywhere without you right now because he’s too young, just be firm about that. It isn’t about whether BIL is predatory or not, it’s just not in your DS’s best interests.

The rest of it, not really your problem. You don’t like him, or any of your DH’s family it sounds like, and he’s a little bit odd, but it doesn’t affect you.


DukeChatsworth · 23/12/2019 15:34

Always trust your instincts.
Especially maternal ones.


Orangesandlemons123 · 23/12/2019 15:35

I would always make sure he is accompanied by the sounds of this! Perhaps it's all fine but you don't know this man and I personally would rather protect my child. Infuriating for you going round in circles with the conversations!


NoOneNeedsToKnowThis · 23/12/2019 15:35

YANBU. BIL sounds like a proper weirdo. Don’t allow your DS to have any contact with him without you there, stick to your guns. The fact he keeps pushing to take your son swimming is creepy as fuck.


BILisaweirdo · 23/12/2019 15:36

My worry is that DH doesn’t think he is dodgy, so if he goes there with just DH and not with me, DH will not keep a close eye on him. BIL invited DS upstairs to play guitar today - in fairness DS had asked SIL to play with him and BIL stepped in to do it instead, but I wouldn’t let him go upstairs alone with BIL, and DH and SIL would.

OP posts:

Winterdaysarehere · 23/12/2019 15:36

Just keep that gut feeling op. However old ds gets keep it..
Regardless of their family requests....


WellErrr · 23/12/2019 15:37

Yep. Trust your instincts and say no. Your toddler is more important than some randomer’s hurt feelz.


Chottie · 23/12/2019 15:38

Always trust your instincts.
Especially maternal ones.

This x 1000 times.....


MsChnandlerBong · 23/12/2019 15:41

Ugh he sounds like a total weirdo. As the others have said, trust your instincts and be firm with this.


motherofmincepies · 23/12/2019 15:41

Tell your DH in no uncertain terms that he is never to leave your DS unattended with him.

He may be harmless but I wouldn't risk finding out either way. There will literally be no harm done if you/DH stay with him 🤷‍♀️


Besidesthepoint · 23/12/2019 15:41

I wouldn't let him alone with a child for even a second. He could be a paedophile. You just don't know.


BILisaweirdo · 23/12/2019 15:42

Pissedoff I’m not sure - definitely has MH issues (because that’s how they met) but what exactly I have no idea.

I don’t dislike DH’s family. I really liked MIL. But after she died, it became apparent that she was the one holding the family together. We’ve barely seen FIL and SIL since, just Christmas and birthdays. I’m sure DH bears 50% of the responsibility for that. FIL is busy with his new GF (who is also perfectly nice). Which is fine, everyone was happy with that until BIL came on the scene and started pushing for weekly get-togethers.

OP posts:

willloman · 23/12/2019 15:43

Not in a million years let him go without you. Yes it is odd that he wants to be around toddler and definitely no you should not let him go with DH who may not be as sharp/on the ball as you. Politeness doesn't even figure in this situation. Trust your gut.


TheCanterburyWhales · 23/12/2019 15:43

So many different issues here.
You've met someone once and he's weirdo. He seems to have MH issues so he's a weirdo. You're jealous that your FIL is giving them the property. Your in-laws weren't interested in your son till recently (if I've understood that bit) but now sil is ttc they're not going to be interested (again)

The only thing you're being reasonable about is taking your son swimming. Doubt he's a paedophile though.

Yeah, trust your gut. You're jealous that sil has the nice house, that nobody was interested in your kid, and now they are they're a paedo.


BellsAJingleTheRoastedChestnut · 23/12/2019 15:43

Trust your instincts! Not saying this guy is evil or anything. Most likely he is just struggling a bit with his MH issues and maybe comes across as a bit socially awkward, but I would be as wary as you are, as you never know. Especially since you barely know this guy. I definitely wouldn't feel happy about the swimming and would find it really odd that he keeps asking.


TheCanterburyWhales · 23/12/2019 15:44

PS, your terminology about people with MH issues is disgusting.


Aaarrgghhh · 23/12/2019 15:45

Regardless of him being odd (I agree he is too insistent and I wouldn’t leave my kid alone with him, same if it was an insistent woman) your son does not know him well enough to be left alone with him. It’s that simple. He is too young and the brother in law is unknown to him and it wouldn’t be fair on your son. If he can’t accept that then it more than proves e isn’t capable of being alone with your son. A decent person would understand and back down immediately if it was a case of them biennial keen but not weird.


beautifulstranger101 · 23/12/2019 15:45

Are with trusting your instincts. Sadly, most kids are abused by people they know, who are often in places of trust within the family.

Trust your instincts. Tell them you aren't comfortable with DS going anywhere without you. If they want to assume from that you're overprotective who cares? Let them think what they want. Your sons safety comes first.


VanyaHargreeves · 23/12/2019 15:45

Agree with @TheCanterburyWhales extensive nasty disablism in the OP hidden behind a "concerned parent" dress


AliceAbsolum · 23/12/2019 15:46

Absolutely do not trust this man. Keep your little boy with you or DH at all times.


formerbabe · 23/12/2019 15:50

If I was you, I wouldn't allow ds near him without me present constantly.

I'm also totally shocked he's been put on the deeds of the house after nine months Shock


Aaarrgghhh · 23/12/2019 15:50

In fact taking all the pervy stuff out of it (and I would have my suspicions on that too, better to be cautious in my opinion) he has mental health issues of which you don’t really know much about, he also doesn’t seem all there if I’m honest. I’m not being derogatory either, I have mental health issues myself and my daughter has issues so I understand but I also wouldn’t leave my kids with someone if they clearly aren’t capable just so I didn’t offend the fact they have mental health problems. And did you say they are trying for a baby? Are they able to look after a baby?

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