To think new BIL is a weirdo

[BILisaweirdo]

Namechanged because if I’m slagging off DH’s family I’d rather have some plausible deniability. I’m not BU, but not sure how much my dislike for BIL is colouring my view of his behaviour towards DS.

I have only met him twice, but don’t like him for quite a few reasons, most of which I would usually suck up as they are nothing to do with me. SIL has severe MH issues and has never worked. Lives with FIL (lovely MIL died a few years ago). Never had a serious relationship before. She met this guy 9 months ago via a MH support group. He works as a potter, and like her has never been and will never be self-supporting. FIL is moving in with his GF, and has given them both the family home. I find this slightly galling, as DH and I live in a small 2 bed flat in a rough part of East London and they will now own a large four bedroom semi detached house in a nice part of Richmond, that we could never afford despite both working. I also think putting a new boyfriend of nine months on the deeds is madness. But it’s not my money, so I would usually roll my eyes and move on. It’s always been clear DSIL would inherit everything as she has been completely dependent on DPIL her entire life, so makes little practical difference to us.

I find him annoying on a personal level (DSIL was telling a story about her annoying friend, and he reached over, squeezed her hand and said “you’re safe now” - she was never not safe! She was just telling a story! He did this couple of times and it’s was weird as fuck). Again, he’s not my BF, so my annoyance isn’t important.

The first time we met him in October, he immediately suggested that he start taking DS to swimming lessons. Unaccompanied. DS is 3. We said no - I take DS swimming already, have rearranged my hours to enable me to do it, and we both really enjoy it. But he won’t shut up about it - we’ve had messages via SIL asking to take him, he asked again today when we exchanged gifts, and asked DS if he wanted BIL to take him (DS said no). I think it is really fucking weird to want to take a random toddler you have met twice to weekly swimming lessons, and it has made me really wary of having DS in his company at all.

DH agrees he shouldn’t take him swimming, but thinks he’s misguided not a paedophile. Unfortunately the whole family now seem very keen to have DS round to the family home “every week, like your DM does” - DM comes up to see me once a week, and has done since DS was born. I really do not want this to happen without me present, and frankly don’t want to schlepp over there every week for a duty visit either.

SIL is TTC, and DH think it is all part of BIL trying to demonstrate what a great dad he would be. He also thinks the whole family will lose interest in DS as soon as SIL gets pregnant, because none of them were remotely interested in him prior to October (FIL and SIl saw him on birthdays and Christmas only).

So, swimming is definitely not happening. How militant should I be about stopping DS going round to their house without me? There isn’t really much of a relationship there to be honest (DS has no clue who any of them are). I feel that this is all being driven by new BIL, and the fact that he is pushing for so much contact with my toddler really creeps me out.

Chuckle and Jo, yes that concerns me too - the reason they are keeping the family home is because DSIL has kept a lot of it as a shrine to MIL (which is why FIL is moving out with GF and not vice versa). But if they break up, BIL will own 50% of it and will be able to force a sale.

I have mentioned it to FIL, but he seems so excited that SIL is in a relationship, ttc and generally now doing all the “adult” milestones that seemed out of reach a year ago, that he wants to do everything he can to support that. Nobody, including DH, wants to rain on her parade by injecting any realism. I will absolutely cause WW3 if I don’t handle this carefully - for obvious reasons, everyone is very protective of SIL because her MH is very fragile.

That is partly why I posted - DH is painting me as the negative suspicious one for viewing BIL as a potential danger to DS rather than a harmless oddball. And why I added all the stuff about the house - I know that is colouring my view of him, and I really don’t want to misjudge this guy if he makes SIL happy, but the risk to DS is so high if he isn’t harmless.

The swimming thing and alone time is weird.

Someone needs to step in and make sure he's not named on the deeds, it's asking for trouble!! Just a quiet word with the FIL to say "it will all be equal when they get married anyway, until then, just protect your daughters best interests."

As other posters have said, follow your motherly instincts. As you all grow to spend more time with him you'll soon (hopefully) get to feel more conformable around him. Definitely no to the swimming though.

It's also very worrying that your SIL, who apparently has fragile MH, is TTC. Will she (and presumably FBIL) be capable of caring for her baby? Motherhood is tiring and demanding.

Even if he was an Olympic swimmer or expert swimming teacher I’d say no because he’s a stranger. The fact he wants to take hi, without you is a huge red flag. It’s really odd to ask and it’s really unsettling to persist. I’d say to him, SIL and DH all at the same time that it won’t be happening and to stop asking.

What does a weirdo look like?
What does a paedophile look like?
What does a paedophile act like?

Just asking because those are the first questions I (DSL) ask naive people who think paedophiles look "weird" and carry some sort of banner.

Obviously if they're also running off with our husband's inheritance then all of our guts might get a bit churny.

YANBU and not disablist or prejudiced etc.

By the way, people with a MH diagnosis are just as capable of harming others as those without a MH diagnosis so no I would not be making allowances "oh it's just his MH issues" ! People can have a MH diagnosis AND be a nasty piece of work. Only on MN are all people with a MH diagnosis saints.

Sounds like you have a bit of a DH problem though, he has never stood up to his family and has fully bought into the dynamic by the sounds of it.

WEIRD AS FUCK. Just say no.

What does a paedophile act like?

I’d say asking repeatedly to take a child - who you barely know - swimming, would be the sort of thing a paedophile would do. I say that as someone who was abused as a child by a relative who was always offering to take me to some activity or other, just the two of us, so that he could get me on my own. Maybe I’m projecting my own experiences here but the swimming thing doesn’t sit right with me at all.

@Booberella9 agree with your post completely, well said

Please please go with your gut . If it feel wrong it is .

It's not a case of trying to identify a paedophile by an aura of weirdness but the fact that this request is weird.

Shocked at some of the comments and it makes me feel sad that people call people with mental heath issue “weirdos”. I work in mental health, a lot of people with mental health issues also have special needs or they have issues with socialising, I think this guy was just trying to show interest in you and you ds, trying to make conversation, I don’t think he meant any harm, he doesn’t have children so doesn’t understand that a 3 year old probably wouldn’t be able to go to a swimming lesson alone.

OP has already clarified that her use of the word "wierdo" was in relation to this mans level of interest in her child and in particular, his fixation with taking him swimming without either of his parents, not his MH issues. She has also clarified that she has her own MH diagnosis and does not consider her SIL weird in the slightest so her discomfort with this individual is not based on a negative attitude to people with MH difficulties as a whole.

If you work in mental health you will know that MH issues (regardedless of whether or not they are accompanied by additional SEN and "issues with socialising") and harmful sexual behaviour are not mutually exclusive. This mans MH difficulties don't make him any more likely to be a risk to children, of course it's important to point that out, but they don't make him any less likely to be a risk either. You say you "don't think he meant any harm" but it's not clear what you're basing that opinion on, other than a desire to empathise with and advocate for people with MH issues. That's very admirable, but it's perfectly possible to empathise with and advocate for people with MH issues generally while recognising that there will be a small number of individuals with MH difficulties who are a risk to others. The welfare of a child is paramount and it would be terribly wrong for OP to ignore her gut feeling that something isn't right here for fear of causing offence.

I'm just chiming in to add to the chorus: trust your instincts. It does seem strange that he's badgering you about the swimming lessons. Over here in the US we had a famous case of a paedophile using recreational swimming as a way of grabbing boys from behind and hugging them tightly and fondling them. He claimed that he was just "horsing around in the pool", and he was doing it in plain sight.

Absolutely trust your instinct.

I do also think it’s a very very bad idea to pit anyone on the deeds of a house after a nine month relationship and would be pretty pissed off about that if I were you too. Chances of it going tits up are pretty high and then what?

The swimming thing is very very weird but the wanting to take him upstairs on his own to play guitar?

Talk about in plain sight.

If your husband doesn't understand the risk, I certainly wouldn't let him take your son round there without you.

And yes, try to explain to your fil that this action he is taking to protect his daughter will likely have the opposite effect.

What a weirdo. I agree with PP. It sounds like he either has SN and has a lack of understanding of what's socially acceptable- he's trying to fit in and be useful but it's totally inappropriate and misguided. Or, he's a bad 'un who has wormed his way into SIL's life, has a cushy house on the way and has questionable motives. I'm not saying he's a paedophile but it is weird.

Either way, it doesn't matter. Your instincts are correct. Follow them. It's a shame you can't fully trust DH but you're just going to have to have a policy of DS doesn't go round unless I'm there.

Don't second guess yourself.

I think his insistence on wanting to take DS swimming is a bit odd, yes. But it sounds to me like this man also has MH issues and may well have SN or perhaps the kind of background that the idea of embracing a loving and "normal" family is overwhelming to him.

SIL's partner was like this. He had a terrible childhood and as a result when they started dating he was 100% throwing himself into family life. I found it a bit disturbing, not least when he and she insisted that he wanted to visit me in hospital after DS was born. Unfortunately, his issues mean that over the years I think he's emotionally manipulative. Not because he's an intrinsically bad person but because he simply doesn't have the tools to interact in a healthy way. But I might be biased.

The house thing is odd. If FIL wants to give SIl the house, fine. Odd but fine. But to put him on the deed is beyond weird and I can't understand why he would do that. If he believes this relationship will last it won't matter if he's not on the deeds and if it doesn't, and his daughter is clearly vulnerable, he should be doing whatever he can to support her.

Interesting that this man wants to take a toddler swimming, and not for a game of football in the park. Most adults would not wish to be in charge of a small child they are not directly related to, in a high risk activity. I wouldn't let my much older children go with him if presented with similar circumstances. I think you are right to say 'no'. As for the house arrangements, it has disaster written all over it. I appreciate you are in a very difficult position in terms of what you can negotiate. However, I would point out how this could add to SIL mental health issues, rather than see home ownership as the road of recovery. They could remortgage it, and then have it repossessed. They could get loans charged against the home. They are not working so there is a great risk of that happening, leaving her homeless and stressed. If the house must be transferred, it would be wise for your FIL to leave his name on the deeds and share ownership with his SIL. Unmarried, the BIL would have little claim on the property if their relationship fails. The FIL could show that he contributed to the purchase of the home in a court, and that should go some way towards defending claims from BIL. You could pitch this as FIL protecting best interests of SIL who may have phases where judgement is affected. It would stop her remortgaging and getting loans on the property, as FIL would have to sign paperwork too.

@Booberella9 I agree with you too

Don’t let him take your son swimming. His insistence to do this is weird.
I have rearranged my hours to enable me to do it
Did you change your working hours to take your ds swimming? How did that go down

So your FIL is so dying to hand the responsibility of SIL over to anyone, he is signing half a house away!

If and when the relationship breaks down, SIL will be left homeless as the house will have to be sold.

Have you asked your FIL will SIL move in with him and his new girlfriend if the relationship falls apart?

What will be an alternative option as the house will have to be sold?

Will FIL expect you and your husband to take SIL in?

Have you room to do this?.

Frankly I would be writing all of these questions down and ask FIL to address them.

If he has answers, great.

If not, you can tell him he is creating a potential shit show by signing half a house away to a stranger.

Good luck. 💐

The house thing is odd. If FIL wants to give SIl the house, fine. Odd but fine. But to put him on the deed is beyond weird and I can't understand why he would do that. If he believes this relationship will last it won't matter if he's not on the deeds and if it doesn't, and his daughter is clearly vulnerable, he should be doing whatever he can to support her.

Or he thinks he's finally managed to offload his daughter and he can die in peace.

Apparently both my parents and my partners parents recognised our 'weirdness' when we were young, and were worried about us as we got older. They were overjoyed when we met and it looked like we could look after each other. Both sets of parents happy to offload their problems onto the first likely candidate. and without actually telling us that they thought we had problems.

Oh, the joy at realising it all 30 years later.

I'm derailing, sorry , but the 'offloading' of needy adult kids is a thing I can relate to.

Creamegg, I work compressed hours, so I have one day off a week to spend with DS. On that morning, we go to swimming lessons. It went down fine, about 30% of the department are on reduced or flexible working patterns.

Does your SIL have a social worker or support worker? It might be worth having a chat with them to raise your concerns about the house - if she's regarded as a vulnerable adult they may be able to step in to help prevent her partner getting half of the house and potentially leaving her homeless. Or at least give her and her father some advice.