To think new BIL is a weirdo

[BILisaweirdo]

Namechanged because if I’m slagging off DH’s family I’d rather have some plausible deniability. I’m not BU, but not sure how much my dislike for BIL is colouring my view of his behaviour towards DS.

I have only met him twice, but don’t like him for quite a few reasons, most of which I would usually suck up as they are nothing to do with me. SIL has severe MH issues and has never worked. Lives with FIL (lovely MIL died a few years ago). Never had a serious relationship before. She met this guy 9 months ago via a MH support group. He works as a potter, and like her has never been and will never be self-supporting. FIL is moving in with his GF, and has given them both the family home. I find this slightly galling, as DH and I live in a small 2 bed flat in a rough part of East London and they will now own a large four bedroom semi detached house in a nice part of Richmond, that we could never afford despite both working. I also think putting a new boyfriend of nine months on the deeds is madness. But it’s not my money, so I would usually roll my eyes and move on. It’s always been clear DSIL would inherit everything as she has been completely dependent on DPIL her entire life, so makes little practical difference to us.

I find him annoying on a personal level (DSIL was telling a story about her annoying friend, and he reached over, squeezed her hand and said “you’re safe now” - she was never not safe! She was just telling a story! He did this couple of times and it’s was weird as fuck). Again, he’s not my BF, so my annoyance isn’t important.

The first time we met him in October, he immediately suggested that he start taking DS to swimming lessons. Unaccompanied. DS is 3. We said no - I take DS swimming already, have rearranged my hours to enable me to do it, and we both really enjoy it. But he won’t shut up about it - we’ve had messages via SIL asking to take him, he asked again today when we exchanged gifts, and asked DS if he wanted BIL to take him (DS said no). I think it is really fucking weird to want to take a random toddler you have met twice to weekly swimming lessons, and it has made me really wary of having DS in his company at all.

DH agrees he shouldn’t take him swimming, but thinks he’s misguided not a paedophile. Unfortunately the whole family now seem very keen to have DS round to the family home “every week, like your DM does” - DM comes up to see me once a week, and has done since DS was born. I really do not want this to happen without me present, and frankly don’t want to schlepp over there every week for a duty visit either.

SIL is TTC, and DH think it is all part of BIL trying to demonstrate what a great dad he would be. He also thinks the whole family will lose interest in DS as soon as SIL gets pregnant, because none of them were remotely interested in him prior to October (FIL and SIl saw him on birthdays and Christmas only).

So, swimming is definitely not happening. How militant should I be about stopping DS going round to their house without me? There isn’t really much of a relationship there to be honest (DS has no clue who any of them are). I feel that this is all being driven by new BIL, and the fact that he is pushing for so much contact with my toddler really creeps me out.

Your mum instinct kicked in, listen to it. I cannot stress enough about how Important that is.
This man is a stranger to you and your child, he made your protective side rise up so keep it raised. Your mother makes the effort to build and maintain a relationship with your son, you do not owe your sil the same.
For God's sake please don't send your kid alone to their house. You cannot be too careful so just be safe.

Worked in child protection..
Red flags all over this...

Obviously you don't 'know' either way... But it is odd at the least behaviour... Why on earth would someone, who only vaguely knew a small child, want to try for solo time alone with them?? By all means play the guitar... But a guitar doesn't weigh a ton, you'd bring it downstairs to where the toddler and parents are...

I would say to OH... Yes I knlw you don't believe me, BUT this is exactly grooming type behaviour (and quite audacious behaviour at that...)for people who are paedophiles.
Are you willing to take the risk with the most precious thing in our life?? Seriously...

Yes he 'may' be harmless... But why take the risk. How would you feel when this it turns out he actually HAS SEXUALLY ASSAULTED our son.

Please please... Don't rely on Sarah's law... This DOES NOT MEAN THE MAN IS NOT A PAEDOPHILE.... Just that there is no intelligence (stuff that isn't quite enough to go to court with /or he hasn't been caught..
Trust your instincts!

My family left me with a vague family elderly friend when I was 11..
He took 3 of us swimming... It was vile, he was doing this purely to access /groom young girls... Us included... Horrible. I hate the fact my parents weren't more suspicious.

Bizarre, would a woman ask to take a little boy alone swimming who didn't know her? Doubtful. Then don't let him.

I've worked with child sex offenders and what pp have said about grooming the family is spot on. No way on earth I'd allow my child to be alone with this man.

I think that if your gut instinct is to not trust this man then you need to follow it.
He might be a perfectly lovely bloke who just doesn't understand boundaries but on the other hand, he might not.
Better to be safe than sorry.

Ask your DH what how he would feel if BIL did hurt your DS?
It's so little effort to just keep him in sight until you all get to know BIL better. (Risk analysis: low probability: high impact)
The risk to DS is too high- even if the probability is low so you have to be careful.

I also think you/DH need to talk to FIL in terms of SIL mental health. She seems to need that house. And so she should keep it (rather than BIL- personally I think it would make more sense for it to be owned by your Dh and SIL but with convenent that it wont be sold without agreement of both).

If I were OP I would also be interested to find out what the FIL GF thinks of SILs new BF.

Might shed some light / provide third party validation of the BF personality and reasons for sudden property transfer?

TheCanterburyWhales My kid has mental health issues and I have some myself. I disagree with you. Try not to speak on behalf of us, thanks.

@starfishmummy no, no, no a thousand times no. Even if you’ve known them 20 years, just no! There is no need for someone other than parent(s) to take such a young child swimming. None at all. If parent(s) can’t do it, then it can wait for school swimming lessons.
Please read PPs about this. The child is 3. Massive no.
Sorry but I just hate seeing this, it’s never okay - your child is your responsibility. At least wait until the child is old enough to tell any such predator to eff off.

@VenusTiger I dont think you read all of my post.....

@starfishmummy yes, I did, all of it. His reasons don’t matter one jot. More than 1,000 meetings isn’t enough. Have you not read the advice from those with experience above.

Hell no! Under no circumstances! It sounds dodgy as and I would not allow him to go over there at all.

My post in which I said its a red flag....sheesh.

This reminds me of when my ds was small and my brother was seeing a girl who kept offering to keep him overnight. Her brother also was a an owner of her house and popped round regularly. My instincts said no.

I kept making up random excuses and didn’t ever allow her to keep him.

After some time a work colleague if mine mentioned that she knew her brother from their home village and a few years previous he had his house and work raided with computers confiscated. They contained child pornography.

My son might have been safe in his sisters care . Her brother might never have been there at the same time as ds. ..but I’m bloody glad I didn’t risk it anyway

Please keep saying no. You can make up excuse after excuse even if you come across as strange yourself. Who cares if you offend this man it is not your concern

My step fathers weird lecherous brother wanted to take my young daughter and his niece swimming. It was a resounding NO from me. Trust your instincts! You can't go wrong then....

I think you can be quite blunt. Also IMO he isn’t your BIL. He is your SILs boyfriend. They are not married and have barely been living together.
Stick to your guns and trust your maternal instincts.
Definitely no swimming and BIL should not be left alone in the company of your DS at any point.

YANBU. Always trust your maternal instincts. You’re right to put DS first, however pushy BIL is.

PS also your OH should really interrogate his dad..... It's madness to sign over a valuable property to AVOID care home fees when the very recent boyfriend can then disappear and sell and make a million quid....
. Seriously... He must think all his birthdays must have come at once...

Even if your sil needs help. Maybe. A million quid would go a loooong way...

This whole situation seems crazy. I am fully supportive of your views. It does sound quite odd how he's persistently trying to take lead with a child he doesn't know.
I certainly would not let my child be in the care of someone he'd met a handful of times. No way. Your husband may be right he could just be trying to prove a point but I wouldn't let him use my son to do that. And to be fair you can never be too wary of someone when it comes to your kids. Stick to your gut instincts.
You probably don't even know enough about him and his mental health to even know 100% if your child will be safe and at the end of the day that's priority over all else.

If this, and other inappropriate requests, continue I would be having a quiet word with this man in person, along with a few hard stares.
If it is the case that he is socially inept then you may be doing him a favour by telling him that it is definitely not on to persist in asking for contact with a child you don't know. Ever.
If he has other motives then you are letting him know in no uncertain terms that you are onto him.