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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think new BIL is a weirdo

195 replies

BILisaweirdo · 23/12/2019 15:26

Namechanged because if I’m slagging off DH’s family I’d rather have some plausible deniability. I’m not BU, but not sure how much my dislike for BIL is colouring my view of his behaviour towards DS.

I have only met him twice, but don’t like him for quite a few reasons, most of which I would usually suck up as they are nothing to do with me. SIL has severe MH issues and has never worked. Lives with FIL (lovely MIL died a few years ago). Never had a serious relationship before. She met this guy 9 months ago via a MH support group. He works as a potter, and like her has never been and will never be self-supporting. FIL is moving in with his GF, and has given them both the family home. I find this slightly galling, as DH and I live in a small 2 bed flat in a rough part of East London and they will now own a large four bedroom semi detached house in a nice part of Richmond, that we could never afford despite both working. I also think putting a new boyfriend of nine months on the deeds is madness. But it’s not my money, so I would usually roll my eyes and move on. It’s always been clear DSIL would inherit everything as she has been completely dependent on DPIL her entire life, so makes little practical difference to us.

I find him annoying on a personal level (DSIL was telling a story about her annoying friend, and he reached over, squeezed her hand and said “you’re safe now” - she was never not safe! She was just telling a story! He did this couple of times and it’s was weird as fuck). Again, he’s not my BF, so my annoyance isn’t important.

The first time we met him in October, he immediately suggested that he start taking DS to swimming lessons. Unaccompanied. DS is 3. We said no - I take DS swimming already, have rearranged my hours to enable me to do it, and we both really enjoy it. But he won’t shut up about it - we’ve had messages via SIL asking to take him, he asked again today when we exchanged gifts, and asked DS if he wanted BIL to take him (DS said no). I think it is really fucking weird to want to take a random toddler you have met twice to weekly swimming lessons, and it has made me really wary of having DS in his company at all.

DH agrees he shouldn’t take him swimming, but thinks he’s misguided not a paedophile. Unfortunately the whole family now seem very keen to have DS round to the family home “every week, like your DM does” - DM comes up to see me once a week, and has done since DS was born. I really do not want this to happen without me present, and frankly don’t want to schlepp over there every week for a duty visit either.

SIL is TTC, and DH think it is all part of BIL trying to demonstrate what a great dad he would be. He also thinks the whole family will lose interest in DS as soon as SIL gets pregnant, because none of them were remotely interested in him prior to October (FIL and SIl saw him on birthdays and Christmas only).

So, swimming is definitely not happening. How militant should I be about stopping DS going round to their house without me? There isn’t really much of a relationship there to be honest (DS has no clue who any of them are). I feel that this is all being driven by new BIL, and the fact that he is pushing for so much contact with my toddler really creeps me out.

OP posts:
kateandme · 23/12/2019 17:10

if your a child abuser it not because you have mental health isssus.its because your fucked up and evil.if you happen to have MH problems aswell that is two issues.
people with MH issues dont abuse children.they are ill.
two different things.one evil.one ill.
the two can co-exist.

WorriedAboutMom · 23/12/2019 17:11

Please trust your instincts on this and I say this as someone who has relatives with severe mental health issues.

windycuntryside · 23/12/2019 17:13

If they (sil and random man) are given a house and have never been independent then they are not suitable candidates for child care. No ducking way.

Rubyupbeat · 23/12/2019 17:17

Everyone going on about him being a weirdo and saying 'Urgh' is disgusting. He has mental health issues, not sure what sort, but that is one of the obvious reasons for his differences. Why these issues should equate to him being a paedophile, I don't know? Paedophiles arent obviously strange, far from it.
The swimming bit, may be some obsessive thought of his and he probably genuinely loves children, and doesn't have the social skills to reign them in.
I am not saying your son should be left alone with him at all, the same as any newcomer, that would be irresponsible, but please dont label him with names like weirdo, it's totally unkind.

FatFredsFriedEgg · 23/12/2019 17:17

@kateandme that's bollocks.

People with MH issues can do terrible things without being 'evil'. If your brain is telling you that's something's acceptable then that's it. Your brain rules your life doesn't it?

Evil is something different. When you fully understand that your actions will cause harm but you consciously don't care, or want the harm, that's evil.

Somebody blundering about through life with the wrong connections in their brain, and consequently doing the wrong things, isn't necessarily evil, even if the consequences to people they fuck up are dire.

kateandme · 23/12/2019 17:18

but the house thing needs to be sorted.he could be harmless he could be odd with social problems.
he could be mentally ill
or he could be an evil prick
or an evil prick with mh problems.
but even both all or one or the other this is you dsil who is vulnerable and so needs to be potected.
even if he was fine and dandy no problems or evil or weirdo-ness your dsil is not always well and needs support right now.

kateandme · 23/12/2019 17:20

FatFredsFriedEgg yes.sorry i didnt go through all the ors or ifs.i know it can quite easily be the way you said it can also.sorry i didnt put that down.

Angelw · 23/12/2019 17:28

I agree with VanyaHargreeves.. Found reading your post uncomfortable...

AlexaAmbidextra · 23/12/2019 17:32

Sounds like a classic paedophile to me OP.

Oh good. The expert has spoken. 🙄

Loveislandaddict · 23/12/2019 17:32

Irrespective of mh issues, I wouldn’t’t leave my child with someone I have only met twice.

Also, irrespective of mh issues, I wouldn’t let a stranger take my child to swimming lessons.

In many ways, the mh is a red herring in the op. A virtual stranger is repeatedly insisting that they take your child to swimming lessons. Err, not going to happen.

Trust your instincts and your gut feeling. He maybe a harmless old person, but better be safe than sorry.

Rubyupbeat · 23/12/2019 17:34

@joystir59
What the heck is 'a classic paedophile' ?
Theres no such thing, how do you think they work their way into families,? Is it by being 'a classic paedophile '?
It's like telling a child not to go off with strangers, ask them to draw a 'stranger's and it will be a monster like person, not a kind, sweet guy with a cute puppy and telling you hes mums best friend.
No wonder the mentally ill are the most vulnerable in society!!

HelpMeFindASchool2003 · 23/12/2019 17:37

Just saying, but assuming you mean Richmond, Surrey - then a large 4 bedroom house could be worth well over £1m (even being a semi/terrace). Obviously it could be less (depending exactly where in Richmond and type of house). It could also be worth a lot more than £1m.

RhinoskinhaveI · 23/12/2019 17:40

I wouldnt leave my 3y/o with anyone unless I knew them very well, and I'd be very suspicious of this bloke with his insistence

Original poster
BILisaweirdo · 23/12/2019 17:43

Help yep worth about 2m, so even if they split she won’t be left homeless. Would have a terrible effect on her MH though, it is her childhood home, she has literally never left, and house is full of mementos of MIL.

OP posts:
ACouchOfOnesOwn · 23/12/2019 17:46

None of this is difficult to manage. You don't need to keep mentioning your fears to DH or anyone else. You just make sure you're always with them when DS goes to visit.

I don't know if your BIL is odd or not. The house is definitely colouring your opinion. Trying to build family bonds is not necessarily sinister especially since he may view it as beneficial to SIL's MH.
You've given no context to him wanting to take your DS swimming but there must be some context to it. But, regardless of context, you just firmly say no.

Original poster
BILisaweirdo · 23/12/2019 17:51

We fully expected SIL to stay in the house when/if FIL died, for exactly that reason. So like I say, that aspect makes no practical difference to us and I do accept IBU to be irritated about it.

Swimming definitely not happening, DH is on board with that. Any advice on getting him on board with “no visits to the house without me”? He sees no issue with BIL being alone with him, like many posters here he thinks BIL is harmless and simply socially inept (he doesn’t know him any better than I do).

OP posts:
Original poster
BILisaweirdo · 23/12/2019 17:53

No, there was no context, that was part of what made it so odd. It was literally “I’d love to start taking DS to swimming lessons, it would give you a break”.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 23/12/2019 17:56

Surely you don't leave a young child alone with someone who has NO experience of looking after young children? Especially for any length of time and in a house that probably isn't exactly childproof?

Can't you phrase it that way to your DH? Would BIL be aware enough to keep your DS from locking himself in the bathroom/finding and handling chemicals/helping himself to unsuitable food from cupboards/falling into water? All things that are situations that might not even occur to someone who's not had a lot to do with small children.

friskybivalves · 23/12/2019 17:56

Is anyone worried.about what FIL would do if his relationship with new girlfriend broke down? Legally would be even have a home to fall back on? Also agree with PP that it is a terrible journey from East London to Richmond whatever time of day and to be eager to do such a tedious (and expensive?) marathon ans round trip just to take a toddler swimming is a bit peculiar.

VirginRiver · 23/12/2019 17:57

dont let DS go with out you

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 23/12/2019 18:00

I went out with a man, briefly, when DS1 was 2.
Lots of things made me deeply uncomfortable with him and DS (he only met DS twice for a couple of mins, never alone).
One thing being that he kept asking me to take DS swimming, another thing was that his friend commented on him only ever dating single mums and a few other things. I've always wondered whether that was his friends way of warning me. Or perhaps not.
Either way, amongst all the weird and unexplainable things was my deep feeling something was seriously wrong so I knocked that on the head sharpish.

Listen to your gut.

ohfourfoxache · 23/12/2019 18:00

You’ve got to trust your gut feeling on this. If that means that you can only tell DH that ds isn’t going without you because you don’t trust bil then that is a good enough reason. If he respects you then he’ll accept it.

Tableclothing · 23/12/2019 18:01

What does a paedophile act like?

They try to earn the trust of parents. They try to get regular, unsupervised access to the children. They try to have an excuse to be with children when they are getting changed or in toilets. They form relationships with vulnerable women - with single mothers to get access to the kids, or alternatively they get the woman pregnant asap and get their future victims that way.

OP - seriously consider making a Sarah's Law request to the police.

MatildaTheCat · 23/12/2019 18:01

Ignore requests to see DS.

Get your FIL to see a lawyer before changing the deeds. It’s incredibly unfair on your DH and FIL himself could be homeless of he splits up with his GF. Absolutely ludicrous and stupid thing to do. They don’t sound able to look after a big house even. It would be far fairer to see and split the proceeds but leaving your DH out is outrageous.

Does FIL have any other assets? Has he considered how he would fund care in old age? He must take legal advice.

RhinoskinhaveI · 23/12/2019 18:01

He sees no issue with BIL being alone with him
even though he barely knows him, and all he does know is that he is inept, he's happy to leave his 3 y/o with him??
This guy has landed himself a nice cushy number by attaching himself to your vulnerable SIL and how your H wants to offer up his son to him??
wft!