To think new BIL is a weirdo

[BILisaweirdo]

Namechanged because if I’m slagging off DH’s family I’d rather have some plausible deniability. I’m not BU, but not sure how much my dislike for BIL is colouring my view of his behaviour towards DS.

I have only met him twice, but don’t like him for quite a few reasons, most of which I would usually suck up as they are nothing to do with me. SIL has severe MH issues and has never worked. Lives with FIL (lovely MIL died a few years ago). Never had a serious relationship before. She met this guy 9 months ago via a MH support group. He works as a potter, and like her has never been and will never be self-supporting. FIL is moving in with his GF, and has given them both the family home. I find this slightly galling, as DH and I live in a small 2 bed flat in a rough part of East London and they will now own a large four bedroom semi detached house in a nice part of Richmond, that we could never afford despite both working. I also think putting a new boyfriend of nine months on the deeds is madness. But it’s not my money, so I would usually roll my eyes and move on. It’s always been clear DSIL would inherit everything as she has been completely dependent on DPIL her entire life, so makes little practical difference to us.

I find him annoying on a personal level (DSIL was telling a story about her annoying friend, and he reached over, squeezed her hand and said “you’re safe now” - she was never not safe! She was just telling a story! He did this couple of times and it’s was weird as fuck). Again, he’s not my BF, so my annoyance isn’t important.

The first time we met him in October, he immediately suggested that he start taking DS to swimming lessons. Unaccompanied. DS is 3. We said no - I take DS swimming already, have rearranged my hours to enable me to do it, and we both really enjoy it. But he won’t shut up about it - we’ve had messages via SIL asking to take him, he asked again today when we exchanged gifts, and asked DS if he wanted BIL to take him (DS said no). I think it is really fucking weird to want to take a random toddler you have met twice to weekly swimming lessons, and it has made me really wary of having DS in his company at all.

DH agrees he shouldn’t take him swimming, but thinks he’s misguided not a paedophile. Unfortunately the whole family now seem very keen to have DS round to the family home “every week, like your DM does” - DM comes up to see me once a week, and has done since DS was born. I really do not want this to happen without me present, and frankly don’t want to schlepp over there every week for a duty visit either.

SIL is TTC, and DH think it is all part of BIL trying to demonstrate what a great dad he would be. He also thinks the whole family will lose interest in DS as soon as SIL gets pregnant, because none of them were remotely interested in him prior to October (FIL and SIl saw him on birthdays and Christmas only).

So, swimming is definitely not happening. How militant should I be about stopping DS going round to their house without me? There isn’t really much of a relationship there to be honest (DS has no clue who any of them are). I feel that this is all being driven by new BIL, and the fact that he is pushing for so much contact with my toddler really creeps me out.

Canterbury, the “weirdo” part is the unusual interest in my son, not the MH issues. SIL has serious MH problems, been sectioned many times, she is not remotely weird. DH and I both have MH diagnoses, I don’t think either of us are weird. If I’ve said anything else, let me know as I do try to choose my language carefully and certainly don’t want to be offensive.

And I fully accept I am being unreasonable about the house! Which is why I wanted to check if annoyance about that was colouring my opinion here.

YANBU. You need to get your DH on board or DS doesn't visit without you there as well. Like a pp said, most abuse is by people who are known to the child. I'd always go with my instincts.

As previously suggested icepuld reinforce "no, not old enough for adventures without me". Point put they'll understand better soon enough when they have their own little one.
It sounds as though BIL is either weird of quitecposdibly has some Special needs and perhaps just doesnt some of the more complex interactional things. The way he was talking about being safe now is as though he has learnt a phrase parrot fashion and is repeating it, but not at the right time, indicating he perhaps foesnt really understand. Perhaps he doesnt actually understand people have great concerns about their children and who they are with and why (and that swimming is an ultra weird thing to mention). He might just be missing something that hes masking and is being put down to a MH issue. He could still just be odd. Whatever way I'd just be very very busy and not too able to pop round there much.

Aaarrgghhh she has a lot of psychiatric team and SW input, so that aspect is covered.

So this mans behaviour might be down to mental health issues and you see fit to call him a weirdo?? nice. Also, what relevance is it that neither of them have ever worked? If they have mental health problems that prevent them from working then that is really no one elses business.

Never apologize for following your gut feeling.
Do not allow your son to be on his own with him.
I find the swimming lesson request bizarre.

Tell your husband, he doesn't have to agree with you, but he needs to respect your wishes.
You are doing this in your son's best interests.

You do not have a good feeling about this guy.
You do not want him to be left alone in they guy's care.
Nothing unreasonable about it.
If your husband cannot agree to this then your son does not go with him.

It really is that simple.
As for your father putting a stranger of 9 months on the deeds of his house🙄

Shocked at some of the comments and it makes me feel sad that people call people with mental heath issue “weirdos”. I work in mental health, a lot of people with mental health issues also have special needs or they have issues with socialising, I think this guy was just trying to show interest in you and you ds, trying to make conversation, I don’t think he meant any harm, he doesn’t have children so doesn’t understand that a 3 year old probably wouldn’t be able to go to a swimming lesson alone.

OP, you sound very jealous because they were given the house, if I was in the position to do so I would provide a house for my youngest, she has ASD and will probably not be able to work, yet her sister will be capable of working and eventually buy her own property, why wouldn’t I chose to help dd2 out? I think you should keep your nose out.

I’d be creeped out too. YANBU. And DH needs to respect your instincts, or at least humour them, even if you’re not around. Can you not trust him to do that?

BILisaweirdo Ahh okay. That’s good actually. She will get the support she needs and all should be well. I’ve had some great help with my daughter through her social worker, hopefully they do well for your sister in law too.

I think you are absolutely right to be concerned about this man's interest in your toddler. You do not know home from Adam. Listen to your gut. I would be really creeped out by that too.

Ignore the PPs who claim that your suspicion is due to envy or MH prejudice. You just watch over your son and insist on being present for visits to SIL's home. You could frame it very positively (oh, I so enjoy their company!) if that would get your husband to cooperate and not go behind your back.

Stand by your instinct and protect your son.

Go with your gut, unless your gut is mired in prejudice and judgement. In which case, give this guy a chance and the benefit of the doubt that he is just trying WAY too hard and just needs to hear from you what is ok and what isn't ok. Perhaps he has some kind of preconceived notion that it will be really helpful if he offers to take your child swimming...who knows. Maybe say no and then ask why he is so keen.

Sounds like a classic paedophile to me OP. Protect your child even at risk of offending the pair of them.

Is nobody concerned that SIL may be very vulnerable?

She has long term MH illness, met this guy at a support group and nine months on they are trying for a baby and his name is being put on the deeds to the family home, she seems wide open to exploitation by anyone with a mind to take advantage of her. It seems that now that MIL is no longer about to keep the show on the road FIL has found a new partner, new happiness (which he is fully entitled to do) but has left a vulnerable daughter in his dust, OP forget for a moment your concerns about your DC tell your DH to sit his dad down and talk sense into him about protecting your SIL, she needs serious legal advice to protect herself financially, what is to stop this new BF from fleecing her?

You have to go with your instincts, that's your job as a parent.

I'm not your BIL but I am a man and I apparently come come across as a 'Weirdo' and people keep their kids away from me.

In reality I'm a very kind and loving father and grandfather who'd never hurt a child. I have ASD though and sometimes I do or say things which are a bit odd, without realising it. I'm also quite 'young' in my head and chat more easily with children than with adults. In fact I can't chat with adults at all really.

I suppose I could have started that "Speaking as a weirdo..."

I’m concerned for your SIL, it all seems extremely rushed and she has MH issues which may make her more vulnerable. Besides that, I don’t think YABU. I’d tell DH that in no uncertain terms, your DS is not to be left alone with BIL

And FWIW, I would be as shocked as you about this BF (whatever his MH status) of 9 months being put on the deed of the house. Insanity.

Has anyone in the family done any research on him and his background?

The 'your safe now' thing might be that she was stressed when the incidents happened, he's just trying to make her feel better by remining her she's no longer in that moment, as it's easy for some people with MH problems to go right back into the emotions they felt at a particular moment (I know that personally.)

I agree with the others about the creepy/paedo thing - you have to act as you see fit. xx

*you're :)

Trust your instincts.

YANBU to refuse to allow your child to spend time alone with any adult who is not well known to you, no further justification is needed on that score.

As for whether his interest in your DS is innocent or sexually motivated, we simply can't know. I work in a safeguarding role (DSL in a school) and one of the first things they emphasise in safeguarding training is "if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't". Gut feelings shouldn't be ignored. They're not evidence, they certainly shouldn't be misinterpreted as fact, but they shouldn't be ignored either. It is possible that this man just enjoys the company of young children but his MH issues result in some social awkwardness and a lack of understanding around what most people consider appropriate. It is also possible that he is a paedophille. Personally, I would not take the risk. In your shoes I would tell my DH that DS is not to be left alone with this man under any circumstances.

I would also be concerned that your SIL, who sounds extremely vulnerable, is trying for a baby with this man and that there are plans to put his name on the deeds to her home despite only knowing him for 9 months.

I wouldn't let my son go there without me in those circumstances.

I also think your FIL is nuts if he actually transfers his house to the two of them. His problem I suppose but it is utterly reckless with his daughter's security.

Follow your gut OP and do not allow your son to be alone with this man.

Wow that’s an expensive escape route for your FIL. He’s basically leaving his daughter to it, with a bloke she barely knows in a very expensive family home. People never fail to amaze me.

But beside that, this guy wants to travel across London to take a toddler he’s met a couple of times, to weekly swimming lessons. Nope, nope, nope!! Go very, very low contact.

My parents had a ‘friend’ like this (1970s people were trusting idiots) and it went very badly for me. Listen to your gut instinct.

It's all very well talking about instinct but that often equals prejudice.

There are plenty of 'normal' successful married guys with a wife, children, a job, a mortgage - and they abuse kids. They get away with it because everyone regards them as totally 'normal.'

But as, others have said, your child is too young to be taken care of by someone who has only recently come into the life of your extended family.

As with any other new partner, time will tell whether he is a decent and caring, but unconventional, man. Or somebody who may let people down. (So putting him on the deeds of the house is very previous.)