To think new BIL is a weirdo

[BILisaweirdo]

Namechanged because if I’m slagging off DH’s family I’d rather have some plausible deniability. I’m not BU, but not sure how much my dislike for BIL is colouring my view of his behaviour towards DS.

I have only met him twice, but don’t like him for quite a few reasons, most of which I would usually suck up as they are nothing to do with me. SIL has severe MH issues and has never worked. Lives with FIL (lovely MIL died a few years ago). Never had a serious relationship before. She met this guy 9 months ago via a MH support group. He works as a potter, and like her has never been and will never be self-supporting. FIL is moving in with his GF, and has given them both the family home. I find this slightly galling, as DH and I live in a small 2 bed flat in a rough part of East London and they will now own a large four bedroom semi detached house in a nice part of Richmond, that we could never afford despite both working. I also think putting a new boyfriend of nine months on the deeds is madness. But it’s not my money, so I would usually roll my eyes and move on. It’s always been clear DSIL would inherit everything as she has been completely dependent on DPIL her entire life, so makes little practical difference to us.

I find him annoying on a personal level (DSIL was telling a story about her annoying friend, and he reached over, squeezed her hand and said “you’re safe now” - she was never not safe! She was just telling a story! He did this couple of times and it’s was weird as fuck). Again, he’s not my BF, so my annoyance isn’t important.

The first time we met him in October, he immediately suggested that he start taking DS to swimming lessons. Unaccompanied. DS is 3. We said no - I take DS swimming already, have rearranged my hours to enable me to do it, and we both really enjoy it. But he won’t shut up about it - we’ve had messages via SIL asking to take him, he asked again today when we exchanged gifts, and asked DS if he wanted BIL to take him (DS said no). I think it is really fucking weird to want to take a random toddler you have met twice to weekly swimming lessons, and it has made me really wary of having DS in his company at all.

DH agrees he shouldn’t take him swimming, but thinks he’s misguided not a paedophile. Unfortunately the whole family now seem very keen to have DS round to the family home “every week, like your DM does” - DM comes up to see me once a week, and has done since DS was born. I really do not want this to happen without me present, and frankly don’t want to schlepp over there every week for a duty visit either.

SIL is TTC, and DH think it is all part of BIL trying to demonstrate what a great dad he would be. He also thinks the whole family will lose interest in DS as soon as SIL gets pregnant, because none of them were remotely interested in him prior to October (FIL and SIl saw him on birthdays and Christmas only).

So, swimming is definitely not happening. How militant should I be about stopping DS going round to their house without me? There isn’t really much of a relationship there to be honest (DS has no clue who any of them are). I feel that this is all being driven by new BIL, and the fact that he is pushing for so much contact with my toddler really creeps me out.

[Goldenhedgehogs]

I would be doing the NSPCC Pants rule with the very catchy dinosaur song with your child. In a very pre school friendly way it teaches children to keep say no to sexual touching and their privates are private.

[HannaYeah]

No, no, no.

If your DH doesn’t get why he shouldn’t trust a perfect stranger who is showing unreasonable interest in his child alone with the child then throw a bloody fit.

I’d tell the guy myself to his face, “I do not want you alone with my child.” If he doesn’t absolutely respect what you say and step back then he’s got something wrong with him.

Also, sheesh with the house. What a mess.

[Katgurl]

No no no no no.

You do not know this man. He is persistently trying to be alone with your son. You and DH are not on the same page. Do not allow DS to the house without you. It is too much of a risk.

[SummerSnapdragon]

From askthe.police.uk Q607: Can you tell me if there are any registered sex offenders in my area and about Sarah's law?

Details of any registered sex offenders are kept on a register for the Police only, it is not for public access. If you have any concerns over the activities of a local resident then you should speak to your local neighbourhood policing team.
The Child Sex Offender Disclosure Scheme (Sarah's law) allows members of the public to make a request that the police investigate a person. However, no disclosure will be made unless the applicant is a parent, carer or guardian of a child requiring information regarding a person who has unsupervised access to that particular child or children.
Once an application for an investigation has been made the police will require the applicant to specify the grounds for the investigation and the nature of the relationship between the applicant and the child, the applicant and the individual and the individual and the child. The applicant will be invited to an interview with the police where matters will be enquired into further.
Whilst the police have a duty to explore the request, there is no requirement for the police to disclose any information and all requests for information about named individuals will be discussed by the police, probation and safeguarding children staff in order to determine whether the release of information will provide additional protection for the child(ren) in question.
If information is disclosed, the applicant will be required to sign a confidentiality agreement and be subject to sanctions should any unlawful disclosure be made. See link in related information for more details.

[RuffleCrow]

No way would i be sending my child round unaccompanied at any point. At best this man has no social skills, at worst he's a predatory paedophile and your sister a willing enabler. Ugh. Trust your instincts op.

[RuffleCrow]

He may have even decided to target your sister *after she told him about your ds.

[BILisaweirdo]

PicsInRed I wrote out a really long response explaining why we weren’t close to them, and realised that actually you’re right, we should just go low contact with them.

We basically WERE low contact with them up until October, primarily through apathy on both sides. DH is cynical and basically thinks this flurry of interest will burn itself out pretty quickly so no need to actively burn any bridges - he doesn’t want BIL taking DS swimming either, just has a different perception of the risk in the family home. We’ll just try to sidestep invites as much as possible until they lose interest, we both work so it shouldn’t be too hard to be “busy”.

[StartupRepair]

So much to be concerned about here. At best he is manipulating s-i-l and at worst he presents a danger to your DS. This is worth having a big fight with DH over.
I would also ask file about his own plans for future aged care as he has divested himself of his main asset.

[BILisaweirdo]

I would also ask file about his own plans for future aged care as he has divested himself of his main asset

He told DH that’s why he’s made it over to them, to avoid having to sell it for care home fees in the future. As far as I know he has sought legal advice, there has certainly been a solicitor involved in transferring the deeds. Anyway, not my circus not my monkeys.

[Jiggles101]

Is it a bit of a coincidence that this sudden flurry of interest in your son happened soon after this guy came on the scene?

'If he's not a paedophile he's doing a good impression of one'

Absolutely!

[MerryDeath]

there is no way my DS would be going anywhere, even upstairs, with someone who i had a gut feeling like that about. stand your ground. please.

[TwoOddSocks]

He's probably just odd not a peado but firstly it's not a risk I would take and secondly he's obviously not fully aware of social conventions and hasn't been self supporting or independent up to now so I wouldn't want him in sole charge of my DC. Thirdly you don't trust him - your intuition may be off because he's a bit odd but again I just wouldn't risk it.

[BILisaweirdo]

It isn’t since he came on the scene, it’s since he moved in and they started TTC. Which is why DH thinks it will evaporate as soon as SIL gets a positive pregnancy test.

But yes, it clearly isn’t DS himself that is the draw here. Best case scenario he is a prop for playing at parenting (DH’s view), which may not be as harmful as paedophilia but is still not going to be very nice for DS if they build up a relationship with him then drop him for the shiny new baby.

When I said upthread that I‘d thought about it and realised we probably ought to be low contact, it was the realisation that regardless of what BIL’s motivation is here, SIL isn’t behaving in DS’s best interests either.

[Caledoniahasmyheartforever]

This has red flags ALL over it! Has the house been signed over to your SIL yet? If not then you need to contact the police and ask for a check to see if this man is a predator who has gained the trust of your SIL and FIL and is using their vulnerability to try to gain access to a vulnerable child- first your ds and now Via your SIL trying for a baby.

Your SIL is a vulnerable adult and really your DH should be in charge of any money left to support her. If anyone else is on the deeds it should be your dh, so he can support his Ds. Your FIL is behaving recklessly and risking the security and the future of his DD.

This man sounds very much like a predator and a mental health support group is the perfect place to find a vulnerable woman as your next victim! I am horrified that your FIL is being so downright careless and practically selling his daughter off to the first bidder so he can go live the high life with his new gf!

[AskingQuestionsAllTheTime]

OP, please be aware that Sarah's Law is only of any use in identifying a sex-offender if he has previously been caught offending. A clever sexual offender may not have been caught (though he doesn't sound particularly clever, because the red flags are rather blatant).

If he is not on the register that does not necessarily mean he is a fit person to have charge of a three-year old on his own. It may just mean that he has not yet been caught. Or it may mean that he is a naive idiot who sees no harm in wanting pretend-ownership of someone else's child.... Which is creepy in itself, when I think about it.

Look at it this way: if he does not have access to your child alone, no particular harm is done to anybody. There really isn't any good reason to go against your every gut instinct and take a risk, considering what may go wrong even if he doesn't mean any harm to the child?

The MH thing and the house thing are red herrings here. The wanting to be alone with a small child for no discernable benign reason is not.

[oncemorewithfeeling99]

I think he has behaved weirdly and there is nothing strange about you having concerns based on his behaviour.

None of my brother in laws have ever suggested taking sole charge of my child and certainly not an activity that involved getting my child naked. That's a very specific activity, not the park or soft play or a farm...why swimming?! I can't think of any good reason.

My BiLs also wouldn't go upstairs alone for prolonged periods with my child, even at my child's insistence. I can think of numerous occasions they been dragged upstairs by one of the kids to build lego or something and have brought the toy downstairs again to play with/build. I've never, ever asked them to do that. I think they are just grown men who don't desire to be alone with my child for nefarious purposes and so naturally gravitate to areas of the house with other people.

I would keep my child away from this man as much as possible and supervise closely.

[quitecontrary123]

Ignoring all the back story any stranger being insistent on having one to one time with my 3 year old would raise alarm bells. I would not let him visit unaccompanied.

[altogirl]

"He sees no issue with BIL being alone with him, like many posters here he thinks BIL is harmless and simply socially inept (he doesn’t know him any better than I do)." But what if he isn't harmless? Does he really want to take that chance and more importantly, why? Why is it so important to your husband to put his sister's and your future BIL's feelings over the welfare of his own son? He doesn't KNOW this man. I would never leave my child alone with someone, man or woman, that I didn't know well and 100% trust.

[HerRoyalFattyness]

As a mother, who works with young children, has autism and psychosis, auditory hallucinations and severe depression, I say trust your instincts!

The constant requests for time alone with a three year old is odd, regardless of diagnoses.

The pressure he is trying to put on you via the family to have this time alone with him is odd, regardless of diagnoses.

And the fact fil is putting him on the deeds? Odd, but nothing you can do about it unfortunately.

Best thing to do is try to avoid contact and if needs must, ensure ds is always supervised.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Please tell your DH:

Pedophiles are fairly common, somewhere around 1% of men. You probably know one

They seek time alone with children

They groom families as well as children so that the children see you acquiescing and think that's OK

Most children won't 'tell'. Even if you have a good relationship with them

MH issues and marriage and houses are all red herrings. A fairly unknown man insistently seeking time alone with a child? Huge red flags.

[katy1213]

Your son doesn't need a relationship with this man who, at best, is rather odd.
Don't see why this makes you nasty or disablist; common sense and your choice.
I'd be more worried about your father-in-law endowing him with a half-share in the family home. Is father-in-law mentally competent? He doesn't sound it. What happens if this very short-lived relationship doesn't last, or the new girlfriend chucks him out? Nothing to do with jealousy - but a 4-bed semi in RIchmond is what? Approaching £2million? Not to be signed off to near strangers, that's for sure. Could you suggest some sort of trust arrangement to protect your sister-in-law?

[Atilathehunter]

He sounds very odd. I certainly wouldn’t be schlepping over there.

As an aside, you’re a better person than I am not to get hacked off that SIL and this weirdo are living in what presumably was your husband’s family home, 4 bed house in Richmond while you’re in a 2 bed flat in “rough part of East London”. I know The MN consensus that parents have the right to leave their house to whomever they wish but this would be utterly galling to me.

[VenusTiger]

@BILisaweirdo
I haven’t rtft so I’m sorry about that, but it’s late and I just wanted to raise a quick and important point.

How militant should I be about stopping DS going round to their house without me?

Extremely and continuously no matter who the adult is. He is your son OP, no question or delay in your mind here. He stays with you or DH by your side until he’s old enough to play upstairs with a friend the same age, but not going ANYWHERE out of sight with ANY ADULT. His constant requests to get DS alone is scary. Continue to protect your son and maybe keep an eye out of future baby.

[VenusTiger]

Actually @BILisaweirdo I’m sorry but I’d be giving him a bloody mouthful tbh. Sounds like he needs one!

[starfishmummy]

Maybe he wants to take your ds swimming because swimming is his thing and hes good at it, and he doesnt realise that suggesting taking a 3yo he has hardly met is a big red flag.

However he wouldnt be taking my son after 2 meetings.