To think new BIL is a weirdo

[BILisaweirdo]

Namechanged because if I’m slagging off DH’s family I’d rather have some plausible deniability. I’m not BU, but not sure how much my dislike for BIL is colouring my view of his behaviour towards DS.

I have only met him twice, but don’t like him for quite a few reasons, most of which I would usually suck up as they are nothing to do with me. SIL has severe MH issues and has never worked. Lives with FIL (lovely MIL died a few years ago). Never had a serious relationship before. She met this guy 9 months ago via a MH support group. He works as a potter, and like her has never been and will never be self-supporting. FIL is moving in with his GF, and has given them both the family home. I find this slightly galling, as DH and I live in a small 2 bed flat in a rough part of East London and they will now own a large four bedroom semi detached house in a nice part of Richmond, that we could never afford despite both working. I also think putting a new boyfriend of nine months on the deeds is madness. But it’s not my money, so I would usually roll my eyes and move on. It’s always been clear DSIL would inherit everything as she has been completely dependent on DPIL her entire life, so makes little practical difference to us.

I find him annoying on a personal level (DSIL was telling a story about her annoying friend, and he reached over, squeezed her hand and said “you’re safe now” - she was never not safe! She was just telling a story! He did this couple of times and it’s was weird as fuck). Again, he’s not my BF, so my annoyance isn’t important.

The first time we met him in October, he immediately suggested that he start taking DS to swimming lessons. Unaccompanied. DS is 3. We said no - I take DS swimming already, have rearranged my hours to enable me to do it, and we both really enjoy it. But he won’t shut up about it - we’ve had messages via SIL asking to take him, he asked again today when we exchanged gifts, and asked DS if he wanted BIL to take him (DS said no). I think it is really fucking weird to want to take a random toddler you have met twice to weekly swimming lessons, and it has made me really wary of having DS in his company at all.

DH agrees he shouldn’t take him swimming, but thinks he’s misguided not a paedophile. Unfortunately the whole family now seem very keen to have DS round to the family home “every week, like your DM does” - DM comes up to see me once a week, and has done since DS was born. I really do not want this to happen without me present, and frankly don’t want to schlepp over there every week for a duty visit either.

SIL is TTC, and DH think it is all part of BIL trying to demonstrate what a great dad he would be. He also thinks the whole family will lose interest in DS as soon as SIL gets pregnant, because none of them were remotely interested in him prior to October (FIL and SIl saw him on birthdays and Christmas only).

So, swimming is definitely not happening. How militant should I be about stopping DS going round to their house without me? There isn’t really much of a relationship there to be honest (DS has no clue who any of them are). I feel that this is all being driven by new BIL, and the fact that he is pushing for so much contact with my toddler really creeps me out.

would you father be so inclined to let her have the home if she didnt have mh problems.i know of course it relevant here.but sensibly would he think its wise to let it all go like this without protecting himself or his child.
tell him to take away the happiness of his child and her moving on and havnig finally oun some sort of life.is this the best course of action for all their wellbeings looking at all the what ifs.
and he would actually be showing his love more if he thought about putting clauses in place.

Definitely sounds like he/they both want what you and your DH have - marriage, children and the happiness that comes with that so they’re jumping head first in. He sounds very eager, probably not dangerous, but I’ve had relatives who tried too hard with me when I was young and it comes off as creepy rather than endearing.

Keep an eye on it OP :)

Let's look at the swimming request. Immediately after meeting him, SIL's new BF (a stranger to you) asks to take a 3 year old swimming unaccompanied. I'm guessing he's still in a class where the adult has to be in the pool with him. If that's the case, this man is immediately assuming a position of authority and trust with the child. This is also a situation that could require a great deal of physical contact during the class, thus normalizing close contact. After the class ends, the man would be taking the child into a private area where the child (and quite possibly the man) would be naked. And the child will need his entire body dried, which means rubbing or patting his genital area with a towel. And this is the BEST CASE SCENARIO. And he wants to do this EVERY WEEK and has been ramping up the pressure to get this unsupervised contact after being told no. Including trying to get the child on his side.
And then he's using the child's request to his aunt as an excuse to take him into HIS room unsupervised. I'd honestly be reporting him because that is not normal behaviour at all. None of us are in any position to determine his motives, but there are so many safeguarding red flags that can't be ignored. Definitely don't let your son be alone with him, even briefly. And don't let DH or anyone else use his MH as an excuse (especially when have no idea what his MH diagnoses are or how they manifest themselves). Your son's safety is what matters most to you.

His refusal to take a no for an answer is extremely worrying, he has no boundaries. The guitar incident is another odd incident that adds to a pattern of behaviour. The house thing is also VERY pertinent because it indicates someone very manipulative.

This is all screaming red flags. Your DH is being an idiot for not seeing it. But if he's been raised in such a dysfunctional family, maybe he's too accustomed to it. Which means the onus will be on you (unfair but this is where you are) to make DH see it and to be extra vigilant.

As to the house/FIL situation, not sure there is anything you can do. You and DS are the priority, keep him safe and keep yourself out of the firing line. It's their mess to clean up, like you said, the house would never be yours anyway.

Probably not dangerous

Phew, that’s OK then

putting aside the comments about mental health and paedophilia, if someone is being so persistent you should say firmly "no". This is your child, enforce the boundaries that he is crossing and you will be doing everyone a favour.

No one’s being disablist, FFS! This is a simple case of protecting a vulnerable child against a virtual stranger who is persistently trying to gain intimate access to them, with no one else present. Doesn’t matter if the “stranger” in question is with or without MH issues, male or female, black or white, a cat person or a dog person — the OP is NBU to not want that person alone with her child!

Im a bit wary of saying this but - we dont know if he is a paedophile or not, that is a fact. however another fact is that if he took your child swimming he may never do him any harm but having your son with him would also make it easier for him to gain trust of other families and children at the pool. generally some parents (rightly or wrongly) trust a man with a child at the pool more than they would a man on his own. (Thats not to say that any man on his own in a swimming pool is a predator though)

I also work in mental heath, primarily with survivors of sexual trauma and this is ringing big alarm bells for me.

I strongly suggest requesting a Sarah's Law disclosure, you might not get it but you have a good enough case for one I think.

With the 'you're safe now', it sounds like he was trying to reinforce SiL's vulnerability/dependence on him. Like he doesn't really want her to feel 'safe' without him, and especially not with her friends, annoying or otherwise. That's just how I read it anyway.

@Jiggles101 I think youre spot on with that

Sounds like the start of typical grooming behaviour from BIL. Trust your instincts.

I work in mental health. I have worked with survivors of abuse, and with perpetrators, and this doesn’t sound great to me, either.

Sure, having a mental health diagnosis, learning difficulty, or social impairment doesn’t make someone a danger to children, but by the same token it doesn’t mean they are automatically not dangerous, either. You go with your gut, diagnosis or no.

If someone who did not have mental health issues was very insistent on spending time alone with your toddler, would you let that happen? Presumably not. So why is it necessarily disablist to proceed in the same way with someone who has a MH diagnosis? Same rules for everyone, where safeguarding is concerned.

Op, please ask the police about sarahs law, let them guide you. Also speak to your sisters social worker or cpn, write it all down in an email and send it to tgem. There is every chance that they would be in a position to assist you in keeping your ds and your sil safe.

What a dreadful situation for you all to be in.

Sister ment sil

Ps, also talk to your hv, get a paper trail going and re-enforcement.

I would be wary of using the reason “he’s too young to be left alone” as one day he won’t be too young and then what do you say? I would say no to the swimming as you take him yourself. Keep saying it if you have to although annoying to repeat yourself. With regards to the weekly visits I would say you’ll come when time allows, next couple of weeks don’t work etc and make sure it is gradually and pleasantly put on your terms. I would absolutely not be leaving my child alone with him. You are right to trust your instincts.

Sounds very very dodgy to me. Get a disclosure under Sarah's Law.

As others have said - he doesn't go anywhere without you there. If you dont think DH takes your concerns seriously, he can visit alone.

Quite apart from the fact that it seems very creepy, for a grown man to take a young child swimming alone ,surely the water safety of the child is paramount ? It seems very odd and unfair to cut his Son out of his will and leave his estate to a total stranger.Its almost as though this man has some sort of hold over your DH family .Tell him under no circumstances is DS going anywhere with this man alone ,also maybe look into the legalities of his father cutting off DH inheirtance?

YANBU there is no way I would leave my son with someone I didnt know well and feel comfortable with. On another note, just think for a moment that BIL is perfectly fine - in which case why on earth would he think its acceptable to be alone with a child he's only just met? No way would I be expecting to take a child upstairs on my own to play guitar, or whatever, just because I would think of the family's perspective. No way would I or DH think of offering to take a child that wasnt ours swimming because honestly thats weird! I would not let DS out of my sight!!

I also think people using offensive and disablist language like the OP and the other bottom feeders on this thread ...

Irony deficit alert!

Because referring to other posters as 'bottom feeders' doesn't even approximate 'offensive' language. No siree ....

Not an F ing chance. You are right to be cautious and they want to use your son like some sort of weird game. This is bit about him this is about the BIL demontrating his fathering prowess. Tell them no and repeat.

OP, any mental wellness issues aside, any time you feel uneasy with your toddler around a particular person, please go with your gut. If innocent, no harm done and healthy boundaries established. If not innocent, safeguards are already in place.

If he isn't a paedophile, he's sure doing a fab impression of one.

Between them wanting to serve your child up to a probable paedo - between periods of total family disinterest in said child - and totally disinheriting your DH, why aren't you already low to no contact with these people? They're awful.