To think new BIL is a weirdo

[BILisaweirdo]

Namechanged because if I’m slagging off DH’s family I’d rather have some plausible deniability. I’m not BU, but not sure how much my dislike for BIL is colouring my view of his behaviour towards DS.

I have only met him twice, but don’t like him for quite a few reasons, most of which I would usually suck up as they are nothing to do with me. SIL has severe MH issues and has never worked. Lives with FIL (lovely MIL died a few years ago). Never had a serious relationship before. She met this guy 9 months ago via a MH support group. He works as a potter, and like her has never been and will never be self-supporting. FIL is moving in with his GF, and has given them both the family home. I find this slightly galling, as DH and I live in a small 2 bed flat in a rough part of East London and they will now own a large four bedroom semi detached house in a nice part of Richmond, that we could never afford despite both working. I also think putting a new boyfriend of nine months on the deeds is madness. But it’s not my money, so I would usually roll my eyes and move on. It’s always been clear DSIL would inherit everything as she has been completely dependent on DPIL her entire life, so makes little practical difference to us.

I find him annoying on a personal level (DSIL was telling a story about her annoying friend, and he reached over, squeezed her hand and said “you’re safe now” - she was never not safe! She was just telling a story! He did this couple of times and it’s was weird as fuck). Again, he’s not my BF, so my annoyance isn’t important.

The first time we met him in October, he immediately suggested that he start taking DS to swimming lessons. Unaccompanied. DS is 3. We said no - I take DS swimming already, have rearranged my hours to enable me to do it, and we both really enjoy it. But he won’t shut up about it - we’ve had messages via SIL asking to take him, he asked again today when we exchanged gifts, and asked DS if he wanted BIL to take him (DS said no). I think it is really fucking weird to want to take a random toddler you have met twice to weekly swimming lessons, and it has made me really wary of having DS in his company at all.

DH agrees he shouldn’t take him swimming, but thinks he’s misguided not a paedophile. Unfortunately the whole family now seem very keen to have DS round to the family home “every week, like your DM does” - DM comes up to see me once a week, and has done since DS was born. I really do not want this to happen without me present, and frankly don’t want to schlepp over there every week for a duty visit either.

SIL is TTC, and DH think it is all part of BIL trying to demonstrate what a great dad he would be. He also thinks the whole family will lose interest in DS as soon as SIL gets pregnant, because none of them were remotely interested in him prior to October (FIL and SIl saw him on birthdays and Christmas only).

So, swimming is definitely not happening. How militant should I be about stopping DS going round to their house without me? There isn’t really much of a relationship there to be honest (DS has no clue who any of them are). I feel that this is all being driven by new BIL, and the fact that he is pushing for so much contact with my toddler really creeps me out.

It’s more DH taking him round for visits then leaving BIL alone with him while he’s there IYSWIM?

So with the guitar playing today, DS asked SIL to play guitar for him. She has done this before, DS loves it. Guitar was upstairs. BIL suggested he play guitar for him instead and took DS upstairs instead of bringing the guitar down to us. I went up after them. DH thinks I am being ridiculous.

I accept playing a guitar is not a smoking gun for paedophilia. Almost certainly completely innocent. I just don’t want DS alone with BIL, because we do not know him from Adam and if it isn’t innocent I could never forgive myself.

So first he asked you repeatedly, to take your child swimming and without you being present? you said no several times and gave very good reasons. Then he got SIL to start texting you. You said no again. Then when giving DS presents he asked DS and DS said no.
Now he has the whole family asking you to give them weekly visits with DS - to have parity with your DM. He's now got your DH on board with this (initially) and feeling awkward about saying no to him.

He will not take no for an answer and when given a resounding repeated no, he gets others to ask on his behalf.
Whether he is wierd or not,
whether he has ulterior motives or not
and whether he has MH issues or not,
he has absolutely no boundaries and has the habit of getting more people involved to pile on the pressure so that he can have his own way in the end. This is not someone to leave in charge of a toddler.

You hardly know him. Why should you trust him when all you have to go on is the above behaviour?
Trust your instincts and do not let this person be alone with your child. DH must be on board with this.

I think the whole house issue IS relevant too.

Has he used the above "Won't take no for an answer" method on SIL and FIL? because its very odd that BIL has absolutely got to be on the deeds from the outset after a 9 months relationship. Your DH should def raise this with FIL as she needs to be protected. There must be so many options where it could be left to her so that she is protected.
It might well be a happy long lasting relationship.. but what provision has FIL made for her if its not?

Really MH/SN aside - the crux of the matter is a stranger is asking repetitively to be involved in your DS’ life in an exclusive way. Not a chance.

Innocence or ulterior motive wouldn’t enter into my reasoning here, he is a stranger to you and to your DS, he has no experience of caring for your DS, you are not and shouldn’t have to be comfortable leaving your DS alone with him. He is your son and your DH needs to take a step back and look at the situation as neutrally as he can, in offering his son to appease your FIL/SIL and her boyfriend he is not acting as a Father first. I know how difficult it is to extricate yourself emotionally from what sounds like such a stressful family dynamic - but your DH needs to respect that as his Mother, you do not want your 3yo DS taken into this situation without you.

What @Tableclothing said.

Trust your instincts, do not allow your ds to be alone in this man's company at any time, and invoke Sarah's Law as a matter of urgency - your dh doesn't need to know.

www.met.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/sofd/child-sex-offender-data-sarahs-law/

@TheCanterburyWhales - Are you a mother?? A weirdo is a weirdo is a weirdo. I know that's not PC but this is an innocent 3yr old here.

OP - 1000% agree with Chottie - Do not let your DS go there without you.

This BIL may seem 'ok' for a year or two, or three... If he is a Paeodophile, he may play the long game to gain trust/ groom you all etc. It happens WAY MORE than we all hear about.

You have a Maternal instinct for a reason. Your son is your priority and your DH should respect your views.

Thanks Duckbilled, you have expressed exactly what I was worried about! I couldn’t quite put it into words, it was more of a vague unease/feeling of being bulldozed, but seeing it laid out like that is really helpful.

Crossed posts with the guitar comment but exactly what @NaviSprite said. If the whole guitar incident had your instincts kicking in - then trust your instincts.

Go with your gut feel. Your ds, your rules.

I don't think you need to "get DH on board" as such. Just tell him, you know he doesn't agree with you but the bottom line is that you're not comfortable with BIL being alone with DS and you have a right as his Mother to insist on that. If you're wrong about BIL and his motives are innocent then so what? What's the worst that can happen if DS has a parent follow him every time he and BIL go upstairs to listen to the guitar or to play in the garden with BIL? Basically nothing.
But if your DH is wrong, the consequences are awful. It's a no-brainer, if your DH doesn't see that he's being hugely unreasonable.

Seriously? Your GIL has gifted a four bed in Richmond to his DD and her BF of nine months whilst he moves in with his partner, a relationship that may not survive in itself so he could potentially find himself on the street?

The swimming thing is rather odd, l can see why you are nervous. It would be a big no from me

It's obviously not your place to say but after 9 month then names on the deeds and TTC is all a bit much. How will you SIL cope with a baby / small child when she can't care for herself or work?

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

Exactly.

OP,

Your husband is very trusting. That is his issue.

You have doubts about this man, very reasonable doubts IMO.

Whether your husband agrees with your reservations or not is neither here nor there.

As his mother I would insist that your son is NOT going to be collateral damage to your difference of opinion on this man.

End of.

Firstly your fil needs legal advice on the house situation.
Secondly no way should anyone you've only met twice, partner to SIL or not, be asking or allowed to take your child swimming.
And if you aren't comfortable with him being alone with your child do not allow it.
I would also be worried that if your SIL is a vulnerable adult she is being railroaded into things by this man.

Has he used the above "Won't take no for an answer" method on SIL and FIL?
this^

The fact that the FIL Is willing to our a practical stranger on the deeds for his house is scary. Putting his DD in a very vulnerable position. If he wants to sign it over fine but don't put him on the deeds too.
Someone needs to talk to FIL.
In regards to your child, do not trust this man.
Any stranger who is this insistent on spending time with a child they do not know is someone you need to be wary of! X

The swimming thing is incredibly odd, at best. I can’t imagine anyone behaving like this. You are 100% right to not allow any alone time.

I can't recommend Gavin de Becker's potentially life-saving book 'The Gift of Fear' highly enough. The very first and most prominent red flag he identifies is a refusal to hear the word 'no'. What you're feeling isn't simply a gut instict. He couldn't have given you a clearer warning if it had flashing red lights and bells on it.

A wide berth is in order here.

I agree with @DuckbilledSplatterPuff, this whole situation has the makings of a disaster. I truly hope it all works out and everyone's happy long term, but I could easily see the opposite happening.

Follow your instincts re. your DS and as a PP said, tell your DH that you're not comfortable leaving your toddler with an inexperienced caregiver.

FIL has rolled out the red carpet for this bloke, 'have my daughter, have my house, take my whole kingdom' no wonder he feels entitled/emboldened to make further demands

There is no way I would be sending my daughter (younger than your LO, but still) to her swimming lessons with a virtual stranger. Because he is, regardless of his connection to your SIL, a stranger to you. In fact I wouldn’t let her go anywhere with someone I knew so little.

Once you add in the strange persistence about spending time with your child alone, I would also be feeling very creeped out.

Could you show your DH this thread to show him just how few people think this is normal, harmless behaviour? Or is he unlikely to be receptive?

Sisiwawa- none of your fucking business whether I'm a mother or not I am, as it happens, and am also (as I said upthread) designated safeguarding lead in my school.
I also think people using offensive and disablist language like the OP and the other bottom feeders on this thread are disgusting.

Would I leave my child with a man who made me feel uncomfortable? No.
Would I be concerned if I thought my FIL was being conned?
Yes

Would I start a MN thread designed in its very tone to whip up hatred against the mentally ill (mentally ill=weirdo) to justify my jealousy of my SIL and my barely disguised loathing of the disabled. (despite a rather poor attempt to dripfeed my own MH into the thread)

I hope none of the many parents of children with MH issues read this vile thread and see what people like the OP are going to think about their "different" children when they get older

Disgusting.

@Rubyupbeat I think you're being incredibly naive.

No one here is calling him a creep, etc, because he has mental health issues. People are calling him a creep because he's acting like a creep. I'd say out of the posters on this thread, a good chunk of us have experienced our own MH issues. No one is villifying someone for being x or having y. As I'm sure you're aware, when properly supported, most people with MH issues can contribute to society and not pose any risk to anyone, nevermind a child.

However, if a strange man is going to repeatedly suggest (really demand to be honest) to take a very young child swimming alone... it doesn't matter what he's been diagnosed with- it's simply fucking weird, creepy, strange and everything else.

You talk about those with MH issues being the most vulnerable members of society. I disagree. Children are. Especially a 3 year old. It's our duty to protect them from everyone who poses a threat, regardless of who they are and what they have.

I wouldn't send my 11 month old DD swimming with anyone that I didn't fully know and trust. If any of my friends or family members were especially determined to take her, I'd think it was weird and say no. If they repeatedly asked, I'd say no. If they wanted to take her alone, I'd say no. And, as a result, I'd be taking a huge step back from them, regardless of who they were.

OP is doing exactly the right thing. And honestly, I'd rather posters call out creepy behaviour for what it is, than walk around on egg shells not saying it's weird incase they offend someone because they're mentally ill.