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AIBU?

Was I at all in the wrong here

244 replies

newlifenewme2020 · 23/12/2019 05:37

Oh god this is so long but I just want to check in all of this if I did anything wrong

DH has had a issue with his temper for a while. I had hoped he was dealing with it until today.
Woke up this morning and DH got up with DS who is 6. Came down to see DH yelling at DS. DS had apparently send a pile of clothes DH had sorted out flying. I ask DH to calm down. DH storms upstairs with the pile of clothes and then gets to the top and throws them down.
I ask him to move them as his parents are due to take DS out and he doesn’t answer me just huffs and goes in the bedroom. At that point I am in tears (this has happened many times before but not for a while and I had hoped it was getting better- stupid me)

The doorbell goes and I am just finishing off making sure Ds has everything. DH walks in and shove DS to the door and yells at his parents “take him for gods sake he is doing my head in” I come up behind him and say “ no it’s you and your temper that are the problem and I am sick of it” (his parents think he can do not wrong but I tired of covering it up)
DH shuts the door goes mad at me and storms upstairs flinging a picture off the wall down the stairs and kicks the wall
After about half an hour I go up and ask him to get up and help me and he says “no” I say please we have so much to do before Christmas and he says “better get on with it then”
At this point I feel broken come downstairs and ring the Samaritans as I just need someone to talk too.
Afterwards I go back up and try to talk to him but he says I am always hen pecking him and I am a huge part of his stress. Again I ask him to help me. He storms out

After about an hour I am not sure when DS is due back so I ring his mum and ask but break down on the phone. MIL said they will be back soon.
By the time they get here DH is back and back in bed upstairs. I say to MiL please talk to him he say I have got to tell everyone he is ill over Christmas, I have so much to do I need his help.
After 20 minutes MIL comes down looks at DS and says “go up and give your dad a cuddle later he needs it”. She then says bye to me sarcastically and her and FIL walks out. FIL said hardly to me the whole time he was here.

After half an hour I go upstairs and again ask for his help. I get told no. When I ask what MIL said he says “unlike you she just asked if I was ok”
I take a deep breath and say please it is Christmas can we just get through it for DS. After 10 minutes of trying to persuade him he comes down.
He goes into the kitchen while I am in the living room and shouts “where is my wedding ring? I said I don’t know. He said he had thrown it down the stairs. I said no I have not seen it but have been tiding up all over. He then says oh it is lost then.

Now I shouldn’t have not done this but I said “oh you don’t sound upset”
There is a huge crash of breaking glass and I just freeze and so does DS. After about 10 seconds I call out “what’s happened”
He comes storming in and again I say “what has happened”
He says “back door window broken”
I walk in the kitchen see one pain of the back door window smashed (luckily double so one paine is still intact)

At this point I grab the phone and ring MiL, DH is trying to stop me but I get through and just say
“He has smashed the back door window, he needs help, he needs help with his temper, I can’t cope with this any more”
DH grabs the phone of me and says “I am coming round mum” he then storms out.

At this point I ring my mum who comes round and she helped me with stuff and we talked things through. She says if I leave I have there full support but if I stay there has got to be a chance for DSs sake and he needs help.

After a few hours she goes and DH comes back and goes straight upstairs. I go up and asked what in-laws had said.
DH says they just want me to be ok and why did you not ask how the window had smashed as it was an accident!!!! I ask how the heck a window ended up smashed by accident but he won’t tell me.
He then said “if I cared I would have called our straight away to see if he was ok”.

As I said earlier in the thread I just froze when it happened and I heard the glass

He then goes on to say again I hen peck him and cause his stress. I get at him and speak to him like a child and I keep pushing until he loses his temper and when he loses it I just keep getting at him.
He then said he wants to drive to the airport and jump on a plane. When I say to him “in that case do you know where your passport is and by the way there is sun cream in the cabinet” he leaps up, packs a bag and says “this was a prime example of me getting at him and hen pecking when he is in a mood”. He then said again the window was an accident and I always think the worse.

I expect I was meant to beg him not to go

And that I were we have left it. I have ended up in bed and him on the sofa. The packed bag ended up just being packed and not going anywhere.

It’s been playing on my mind all night. I think I know what I have to do but I just want to ask for my peace of mind- did I cause any of that?

I though I might get a text for MIL to ask if I am ok but no- nothing.

Just feel numb. Christmas is ruined. I turned to in-laws for help and it has just made things worse

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1090 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
5%
You are NOT being unreasonable
95%
OliviaBenson · 23/12/2019 05:41

No you did nothing wrong. He is abusive. Part of that is they turn it onto you, make you feel crazy.

You need to accept that the in-laws have his back and not yours. Nothing you can do about that.

Start making plans to leave.

Allington · 23/12/2019 05:43

Take up your Mum's offer of support, and leave.

He is not willing to accept that there is anything wrong with his behaviour (there is LOTS wrong). This is not a healthy environment to bring up a child, and it is not a healthy environment for you.

BouleBaker · 23/12/2019 05:45

He has serious anger issues. Anything you do is used to feed his narrative that it’s your fault. Time to tell him to get professional help or leave.

justcly · 23/12/2019 05:46

You know you haven't done anything wrong, don't you? Just one thing, your husband doesn't "have problems with his temper" he is a violent abuser.

Take your child and leave. Go to your Mum, and do not, under any circumstances, contact your husband.

You deserve better than this. (And stop caring what your MIL thinks).

Claphands · 23/12/2019 05:47

It’s him, he says you’re hen pecking him, well do him a favour and kick him out and he can stay with his parents who clearly molly coddle him! The only thing I’d say is stop trying to get them to step in and get involved, I get why you did but they will never take your side anyway.

toomuchtooold · 23/12/2019 05:49

Oh mate, he may not have touched you (yet), bit that's domestic abuse. Did you see the way, once he'd made himself feel better by making you feel shit, he came back and was all nice and normal again? Thats9 the cycle of abuse right there. He'll try and make you think he's a nice guy that has occasional outbursts of bad temper but the truth is he's a rage addict who manages to behave nicely when everything is going his way. If you can get out, get out, and don't go back.

MakeItRain · 23/12/2019 05:49

No it's not your fault. Flowers Sounds like his parents are unable/unwilling to see any flaws in his behaviour. They're not people you should be turning to for any help.

I would take your mum up on her offer of support and leave him, at least temporarily. Living like this won't be doing you or your son any good. You don't really say what's been the cause of his increasing outbursts - is he stressed about work/money/your relationship? If he won't discuss it or seek help then at the moment there's not much you can do. Maybe being with your mum for a bit will give you the chance to get put of this environment, calm down and feel less stressed. At least at that point you can make a decision about what you want to happen next Flowers

Cat0115 · 23/12/2019 05:49

I think you need to think about the impact of all the dramatics on your son. You are both at fault here as the adults. If your DH wrote his version of events what would your role be? Christmas is as stressful as you make it. It is Sunday lunch with crackers so look at what needs doing e. g food shopping and stocking and then leave the rest. I suggest a relationship counselling appointment in the new year. It's not a good time to be in each other's pockets so can you and your son go out or to your mum's?

M0nstermunch · 23/12/2019 05:52

You haven't done anything wrong at all, he needs help. For you and your sons sake leave him.

Sorry you are going through this, please accept your mum's support.

KC225 · 23/12/2019 05:55

Previous poster is right, take up your mum's offer of support. Make plans to leave this violent, angry man. You and your son deserve better. It's not going to get better - you need to go. His own parents can support him.

MzHz · 23/12/2019 05:58

100% it him and his abuse of you

Get yourself a bag packed for you and ds and get the hell out of there.

Nothing you will say/do will ever change anything in this scenario other than you getting you and your child away

He will only ever get worse

If you leave there is a minuscule chance he might see the light and do something about it, but never ever if you don’t leave him.

Google Why does he do that by Lindy Bancroft. There’s a pdf version somewhere and you will see him there. Better yet, buy the book, get it sent to your parents and read it once you’re out of this mess. Quite possibly It will change/save your life.

thickwoollytights · 23/12/2019 05:58

The only thing I can see that you did wrong was not ringing the police.

You need to get rid of this man for good.

I don't know what your housing situation is but I'd tell him to leave and change the locks

If you can't do this get yourself to a place of safety with DS, contact women's aid and the police to log the violence and abuse

Do not be alone with this man again and do not allow DS to be alone with him again

KatherineJaneway · 23/12/2019 05:59

No you were not in the wrong but you will be if you stay with him and do not take your Mum up on her offer to escape this relationship.

Good luck Flowers

LucyAutumn · 23/12/2019 05:59

Sounds horrendous. You did nothing wrong OP. You and your DS deserve better. Please take your mum up on her offer. This Christmas might not be what you hoped it would be but if you act now next Christmas can be.

QuiteForgetful · 23/12/2019 06:01

He has anger and self control problems. Your poor boy being shoved to his grandparents with his dad saying that. Only your dh is responsible for his own actions, not you. Abusive people often try to blame their violent behavior on others.

GlamGiraffe · 23/12/2019 06:01

He is abusive and manipulative. He is lying to his parents and not telling them what's going on so they will always be on his side.
He clearly has no acceptance of his anger issues and is unwilling to take any responsibility for them, consequently your life will never change and you and DS will always be living on this perilous brink, never knowing when he will explode next.
For now, concentrate on giving your little boy a good christmas. Go to your parents with him and celebrate there. Your husband will make a fuss so tell him if hes ready yo have a nice Christmas with you it has to be with your parents, that way he will have to behave better or leave.
As soon as Christmas is over, I really think you need to be making plans to leave for good. Your husband isnt houng to change his behaviour, he doesnt want to and has no motivation to. He has managed to get everyone else to support him except you who he bullies so feels strong against you.
Take time ensuring you have good details of all financial accounts etc and access to them, make sure you have some mone for now have a lovely Christmas with your little one and enjoy that christmas magic.. you can always find a mysterious special letter from Father Christmas saying hes leaving the presents at grandmas this year as the has too many stops to make..adds to the excitement!

cherryblossomgin · 23/12/2019 06:02

There is no excuse for that level of anger and destruction. You shouldn't have to put up with that. I would take your son and go to your parents. A lot of us are stressed at this time of year but we deal with it like adults.

Take a picture of the damage and also take your passports and any important documents to your mums so he can't wreck them.

Firstawake · 23/12/2019 06:03

This is a massive problem, get out, get your son out.

newlifenewme2020 · 23/12/2019 06:03

If he was to write his version of the story he would say I am always nagging him, I always undermine him over DS.
He would say the house is a mess and that is my fault

He would say I don’t listen to him and don’t spend any time with one2one because I have disabilities and am in bed most nights by 8 oclock because I am tired and in agony

He would say I put work first and take extra shifts and sometimes work up to 55 hours but he would forget to mention he works 24 hours a week term time only so we kind of need the money (by the way I don’t resent this I want to see him happy but it means I need to work more)

OP posts:
Claphands · 23/12/2019 06:07

Oh wow, I’m addition to my previous post-do yourself and your son a favour and kick him out! I can’t believe you have disabilities and are working twice as much as him and doing all the housework?! Get rid and your life will be easier.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 23/12/2019 06:08

Please take your boy to your mum's house, now, and at least for Christmas, if not for longer. You need someone on your side and clearly your PIL are not. Look after yourself and your son, your husband is clearly not going to.

cherryblossomgin · 23/12/2019 06:08

Even if you are nagging him his temper is not ok and not something he can blame on you. Some weeks I work 50 hours too, it doesn't give me the right to treat my family like crap.

anxioussue · 23/12/2019 06:09

You have done absolutely nothing wrong, he on the other hand is abusive and you should leave

newlifenewme2020 · 23/12/2019 06:10

It’s so hard because in between all this he is great. We laugh and get on so well. In so many ways he is fantastic (ok I know you won’t believe me). He has come through a break down and I was so proud of him for that. He can still make my tummy flip by smiling at me and he is always saying I am beautiful
The thought of leaving makes me sick. The thought of doing it on my own makes me sick.
But
But I will do it. It’s going to be so so hard but I know I can get through it.

OP posts:
QuiteForgetful · 23/12/2019 06:12

So he can suck it up, that is life! He can tidy up if it means so much. If he is so angry he should find a solution and raging, smashing things, throwing things, pushing his boy saying take him away are inexcusable. I think going to your dm's for Christmas would be much more peaceful for your son.

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