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Was I at all in the wrong here

244 replies

newlifenewme2020 · 23/12/2019 05:37

Oh god this is so long but I just want to check in all of this if I did anything wrong

DH has had a issue with his temper for a while. I had hoped he was dealing with it until today.
Woke up this morning and DH got up with DS who is 6. Came down to see DH yelling at DS. DS had apparently send a pile of clothes DH had sorted out flying. I ask DH to calm down. DH storms upstairs with the pile of clothes and then gets to the top and throws them down.
I ask him to move them as his parents are due to take DS out and he doesn’t answer me just huffs and goes in the bedroom. At that point I am in tears (this has happened many times before but not for a while and I had hoped it was getting better- stupid me)

The doorbell goes and I am just finishing off making sure Ds has everything. DH walks in and shove DS to the door and yells at his parents “take him for gods sake he is doing my head in” I come up behind him and say “ no it’s you and your temper that are the problem and I am sick of it” (his parents think he can do not wrong but I tired of covering it up)
DH shuts the door goes mad at me and storms upstairs flinging a picture off the wall down the stairs and kicks the wall
After about half an hour I go up and ask him to get up and help me and he says “no” I say please we have so much to do before Christmas and he says “better get on with it then”
At this point I feel broken come downstairs and ring the Samaritans as I just need someone to talk too.
Afterwards I go back up and try to talk to him but he says I am always hen pecking him and I am a huge part of his stress. Again I ask him to help me. He storms out

After about an hour I am not sure when DS is due back so I ring his mum and ask but break down on the phone. MIL said they will be back soon.
By the time they get here DH is back and back in bed upstairs. I say to MiL please talk to him he say I have got to tell everyone he is ill over Christmas, I have so much to do I need his help.
After 20 minutes MIL comes down looks at DS and says “go up and give your dad a cuddle later he needs it”. She then says bye to me sarcastically and her and FIL walks out. FIL said hardly to me the whole time he was here.

After half an hour I go upstairs and again ask for his help. I get told no. When I ask what MIL said he says “unlike you she just asked if I was ok”
I take a deep breath and say please it is Christmas can we just get through it for DS. After 10 minutes of trying to persuade him he comes down.
He goes into the kitchen while I am in the living room and shouts “where is my wedding ring? I said I don’t know. He said he had thrown it down the stairs. I said no I have not seen it but have been tiding up all over. He then says oh it is lost then.

Now I shouldn’t have not done this but I said “oh you don’t sound upset”
There is a huge crash of breaking glass and I just freeze and so does DS. After about 10 seconds I call out “what’s happened”
He comes storming in and again I say “what has happened”
He says “back door window broken”
I walk in the kitchen see one pain of the back door window smashed (luckily double so one paine is still intact)

At this point I grab the phone and ring MiL, DH is trying to stop me but I get through and just say
“He has smashed the back door window, he needs help, he needs help with his temper, I can’t cope with this any more”
DH grabs the phone of me and says “I am coming round mum” he then storms out.

At this point I ring my mum who comes round and she helped me with stuff and we talked things through. She says if I leave I have there full support but if I stay there has got to be a chance for DSs sake and he needs help.

After a few hours she goes and DH comes back and goes straight upstairs. I go up and asked what in-laws had said.
DH says they just want me to be ok and why did you not ask how the window had smashed as it was an accident!!!! I ask how the heck a window ended up smashed by accident but he won’t tell me.
He then said “if I cared I would have called our straight away to see if he was ok”.

As I said earlier in the thread I just froze when it happened and I heard the glass

He then goes on to say again I hen peck him and cause his stress. I get at him and speak to him like a child and I keep pushing until he loses his temper and when he loses it I just keep getting at him.
He then said he wants to drive to the airport and jump on a plane. When I say to him “in that case do you know where your passport is and by the way there is sun cream in the cabinet” he leaps up, packs a bag and says “this was a prime example of me getting at him and hen pecking when he is in a mood”. He then said again the window was an accident and I always think the worse.

I expect I was meant to beg him not to go

And that I were we have left it. I have ended up in bed and him on the sofa. The packed bag ended up just being packed and not going anywhere.

It’s been playing on my mind all night. I think I know what I have to do but I just want to ask for my peace of mind- did I cause any of that?

I though I might get a text for MIL to ask if I am ok but no- nothing.

Just feel numb. Christmas is ruined. I turned to in-laws for help and it has just made things worse

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1090 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
NicEv · 26/12/2019 19:49

I feel very sad for your son - what an awful environment for him

Motoko · 27/12/2019 11:39

It doesn't look like OP's coming back.

Butterfly98 · 27/12/2019 13:22

@Motoko anything could have happened to the OP by now! Maybe her husband has discovered this thread and has seen that she's been asking for help and advice online? Who knows but if that's happened and he knows she's planning to escape then that is the most dangerous time for domestic violence victims when it can escalate to new measures. @Newlifenewme2020 if you're reading any of these posts then please update us as a lot of people here are worried about you and your son! Does anyone here have any other explanation for her silence??

Motoko · 27/12/2019 13:32

Being told your husband is abusing you, is very hard to hear. Also, a lot of posts were very forcefully telling OP that she's being a bad mother, by allowing her child to be part of this abuse.

We can only hope that now she's aware of the dangers of raising children in an abusive environment, she acts on it and leaves the bastard.

Butterfly98 · 27/12/2019 13:43

@Motoko yes that's true. Hopefully she will find the strength to leave him and stop being under his control. It will take some getting used to, but to wake up in the morning and not having to worry about what mood he's in or if she said or did something wrong will be freedom for her and her son.

Motoko · 27/12/2019 14:19

Yes. I was so glad when I no longer had that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach, when I heard his key in the door.

No more walking on eggshells. I had the tv remote, and could chose to watch what I wanted to watch, or turn the tv off in the evening, so I could sit quietly with my book or my cross stitch. I could have my friends round, whenever I wanted, without having him making a bad atmosphere. I didn't have to justify my spending. The list goes on, the feeling of freedom was priceless.

I hope that OP feels that freedom in 2020.

Butterfly98 · 27/12/2019 14:24

Good for you @Motoko that you got out of your situation. You sound happy now!

Motoko · 28/12/2019 11:30

I am. I've been with the nicest guy for 20 years, married for 15. I've been living with cancer for the last 7 years, and he does everything, for me, and around the house, as well as working full time. His own health hasn't been good either, but he's always been kind to me.

It's because of our relationship, and my past experiences, that I always advocate women to end bad relationships. There are good men out there, and even being single, is better than living in a bad relationship.

I do know how hard it is to leave, especially an abusive relationship, but it's not impossible, and once you get over the initial difficulties, life will be much better.

newlifenewme2020 · 29/12/2019 11:59

Sorry for the late reply I am currently in the Peak District with my mum and dad and little boy. My mum booked a cottage straight after Christmas so we could get away from it all for a bit

OP posts:
Smelborp · 29/12/2019 12:08

I’m glad you’ve got away for a break. Your DS probably needs it too, he is also in an abusive environment. This can’t continue OP and he won’t change.

anon2000000000 · 29/12/2019 12:26

Well done for getting away on your break op. It's exactly what you and your ds need.

drinkygin · 29/12/2019 19:13

Op that is great news well done Flowers enjoy your break

Pollyhops · 30/12/2019 16:14

Great news that you’ve got away.

Hope you’re thinking about the future. Your H will only get worse.

BunnytheBlueWhale · 30/12/2019 16:22

OP you did nothing wrong. Haven’t RTFT just the first page.

Your DH sounds a bit like mine. I had a similar thing the other day when I called MIL because he had lost his temper and was throwing things around the house. MIL said we are married and what can she do? I thought well I only called as I don’t know what to do, find it hard to cope with him, but it’s my problem isn’t it. She’s nice and I get along with her but ultimately she will take her son’s side. Again, that’s fine, but you’d think his parents would want to help when he clearly has issues. Hope you’re ok.

BatShite · 30/12/2019 16:36

You did nothing wrong. He is an abusive controlling arsehole with serious anger issues. Imagine breaking your own door window as you are in a strop for gods sake..its ridiculous

Twillow · 30/12/2019 16:42

It doesn't matter if you did anything wrong. He did a lot more wrong. Your reactions to this are reactions, not the cause. I have lived this. Your child is still young enough to grow up without too many mental scars and I am so glad your mum is there for you - I hope you are there and have had Christmas apart with time to think and enjoy not walking on eggshells.

Chociefish · 30/12/2019 17:16

He sounds like an overgrown teenager with a mother that still babies him. It never ceases to amaze me how many mils side with their sons even when they quite clearly need a swift kick up the bum.
Run for the hills for you and your ds. If you have support don't turn it down there is a better life out there waiting for you to grab it!!!

bluebella4 · 30/12/2019 19:48

Get out ASAP!! You have done nothing wrong and he is trying to justify his behaviour. His behaviour is not down to you. He is not taking responsibility for whatever it is going on in his head. He will probably hurt you.

This is very much emotional abuse!

Please for the sake of your child, leave!

Lellikelly26 · 30/12/2019 22:00

I would tell him to go and live with his mummy and daddy who clearly over indulge him. You’ll be much better off without him

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