My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

Was I at all in the wrong here

244 replies

newlifenewme2020 · 23/12/2019 05:37

Oh god this is so long but I just want to check in all of this if I did anything wrong

DH has had a issue with his temper for a while. I had hoped he was dealing with it until today.
Woke up this morning and DH got up with DS who is 6. Came down to see DH yelling at DS. DS had apparently send a pile of clothes DH had sorted out flying. I ask DH to calm down. DH storms upstairs with the pile of clothes and then gets to the top and throws them down.
I ask him to move them as his parents are due to take DS out and he doesn’t answer me just huffs and goes in the bedroom. At that point I am in tears (this has happened many times before but not for a while and I had hoped it was getting better- stupid me)

The doorbell goes and I am just finishing off making sure Ds has everything. DH walks in and shove DS to the door and yells at his parents “take him for gods sake he is doing my head in” I come up behind him and say “ no it’s you and your temper that are the problem and I am sick of it” (his parents think he can do not wrong but I tired of covering it up)
DH shuts the door goes mad at me and storms upstairs flinging a picture off the wall down the stairs and kicks the wall
After about half an hour I go up and ask him to get up and help me and he says “no” I say please we have so much to do before Christmas and he says “better get on with it then”
At this point I feel broken come downstairs and ring the Samaritans as I just need someone to talk too.
Afterwards I go back up and try to talk to him but he says I am always hen pecking him and I am a huge part of his stress. Again I ask him to help me. He storms out

After about an hour I am not sure when DS is due back so I ring his mum and ask but break down on the phone. MIL said they will be back soon.
By the time they get here DH is back and back in bed upstairs. I say to MiL please talk to him he say I have got to tell everyone he is ill over Christmas, I have so much to do I need his help.
After 20 minutes MIL comes down looks at DS and says “go up and give your dad a cuddle later he needs it”. She then says bye to me sarcastically and her and FIL walks out. FIL said hardly to me the whole time he was here.

After half an hour I go upstairs and again ask for his help. I get told no. When I ask what MIL said he says “unlike you she just asked if I was ok”
I take a deep breath and say please it is Christmas can we just get through it for DS. After 10 minutes of trying to persuade him he comes down.
He goes into the kitchen while I am in the living room and shouts “where is my wedding ring? I said I don’t know. He said he had thrown it down the stairs. I said no I have not seen it but have been tiding up all over. He then says oh it is lost then.

Now I shouldn’t have not done this but I said “oh you don’t sound upset”
There is a huge crash of breaking glass and I just freeze and so does DS. After about 10 seconds I call out “what’s happened”
He comes storming in and again I say “what has happened”
He says “back door window broken”
I walk in the kitchen see one pain of the back door window smashed (luckily double so one paine is still intact)

At this point I grab the phone and ring MiL, DH is trying to stop me but I get through and just say
“He has smashed the back door window, he needs help, he needs help with his temper, I can’t cope with this any more”
DH grabs the phone of me and says “I am coming round mum” he then storms out.

At this point I ring my mum who comes round and she helped me with stuff and we talked things through. She says if I leave I have there full support but if I stay there has got to be a chance for DSs sake and he needs help.

After a few hours she goes and DH comes back and goes straight upstairs. I go up and asked what in-laws had said.
DH says they just want me to be ok and why did you not ask how the window had smashed as it was an accident!!!! I ask how the heck a window ended up smashed by accident but he won’t tell me.
He then said “if I cared I would have called our straight away to see if he was ok”.

As I said earlier in the thread I just froze when it happened and I heard the glass

He then goes on to say again I hen peck him and cause his stress. I get at him and speak to him like a child and I keep pushing until he loses his temper and when he loses it I just keep getting at him.
He then said he wants to drive to the airport and jump on a plane. When I say to him “in that case do you know where your passport is and by the way there is sun cream in the cabinet” he leaps up, packs a bag and says “this was a prime example of me getting at him and hen pecking when he is in a mood”. He then said again the window was an accident and I always think the worse.

I expect I was meant to beg him not to go

And that I were we have left it. I have ended up in bed and him on the sofa. The packed bag ended up just being packed and not going anywhere.

It’s been playing on my mind all night. I think I know what I have to do but I just want to ask for my peace of mind- did I cause any of that?

I though I might get a text for MIL to ask if I am ok but no- nothing.

Just feel numb. Christmas is ruined. I turned to in-laws for help and it has just made things worse

OP posts:
Report

Am I being unreasonable?

1090 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
5%
You are NOT being unreasonable
95%
Scapegoatforlife · 25/12/2019 13:13

If not for you leave for the sake of your child. Whilst I'm not blaming you for his behaviour while continuing to enable your husband and stay with him your son is internalizing and probably learning the same.

You need to remove yourself from this situation abs make sure you're both safe

Report
KarmaStar · 25/12/2019 16:24

By remaining in this 'relationship ' you are putting your ds at risk.
You have to end this and quickly.
Things between you are toxic,you have been offered full support from your dm so take it.there is no excuse for allowing your son to be abused.none at all.
Start putting things in order in your head for your future..

Report
NorthernLightsInWinter · 25/12/2019 16:40

I like how a PP put it bluntly: is he worth losing your child over? Is he?

Report
Throckmorton · 25/12/2019 16:56

He is abusing both you and your son. You are both worth more, but only you can make the choice to leave - your son is reliant on you for protection.

Report
Grumpbum123 · 25/12/2019 17:05

No he’s a cunt and you are stronger than you think leave him

Report
avocadotofu · 25/12/2019 17:09

He's abusive being lovely at other times doesn't make up for that. Please leave him for the sake of yourself and you DS. Your home environment is incredibly damaging for him too.

Report
Danni12 · 25/12/2019 18:25

He is being abusive, he is trying to make out it is your fault. It is not. He may do nice things at times, but they in no way excuse what he is doing. His parents are colluding with his toxic and abusive behaviour and you don't need their validation that he is in the wrong. He IS in the wrong. Leave him please

Report
AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 25/12/2019 19:01

@newlifenewme2020, a quick question.

You say that you know you are hard work because you are ill, and working a 55-hour week leaves you so tired you need to be in bed by eight. Yes, granted that a wife who is ill is hard work, but -- have you only just started being ill?

I rather assume that when you married, your husband was aware that you were not in full health and that he might have to do his full share about the house and in bringing up any children you might have, and not be able to leave things to you to do. So he has no business reneging on the deal that he made when he married you.

You are NOT useless and you are NOT a parasite and you are NOT to blame for anyone else's bad behaviour. Thinking that you are is like agreeing with the man who once told me, absolutely seriously, that if a man caused an accident when he was driving a car it was always his wife's fault. "But what if she wasn't in the car at the time?" I asked (for I was young and innocent in those days). "It will have happened because she put him into a bad temper before he left home," answered this complete prannet.

Yes, well.

Report
HarrietThePi · 25/12/2019 19:28

Op you remind me of myself once upon a time. I was unable to see what was right and what was wrong because my head had been so messed up by an abusive man. I questioned my own sanity. I was always on edge and close to tears.

As others have said, try and think about the effect this is having on your six year old and what it's teaching him. Talk to your mum and take up her offer of support and get yourself and your ds away from him. Believe yourself and if you can't then believe the replies on this thread that his behaviour is not reasonable or normal.

Report
AwakeAmbs · 26/12/2019 02:37

He is abusive and his parents are enabling him

Get out now!! With your child
Please

Report
ferntwist · 26/12/2019 06:26

He’s got serious problems with anger control and I would not allow him to poison my household and ruin his DCs childhood. PILs are not your allies and sound like they encourage him to think he can behave however he likes. Get him out of your life.

Report
Sally2791 · 26/12/2019 06:37

Your poor son. Your H is an abuser. Please read “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. Leave and let your mum help you, don’t be sucked into going back. Life will get better away from him

Report
TotorosNeighbour · 26/12/2019 12:04

Please leave him OP. My dad was like that, all the yelling and smashing, screaming, I wish my mom had left him but she kept making excuses for his behaviour. By staying with him, you are teaching your son that this is ok, but it's not there is no excuse for that behaviour. He needs help and you need to protect your self and your son.

Report
Mollychristmas · 26/12/2019 12:14

Why are you putting your son through this?

Why are you allowing your son to be raised in this environment?

You have the full support of your family, you have no excuses for allowing your son (and you) to be living in this situation.

Your husband is abusive and violent and you are enabling his behaviour by putting up with it. Your MIL is just as bad.

I really hope your DS’s school picks up on the home situation and he gets the help and support he needs because quite frankly all of your IP was me, me, me and how it’s so hard for you and your abusive shit of a husband rather than putting your child first.

I hope it gets better for you OP, but I especially hope your DS gets a home life he deserves.

Report
Tistheseason17 · 26/12/2019 13:13

Listen to your mum - leave.
You are making excuses for this behavour.
Having a disability does not make you someone who deserves less than others. Please do not let your DS see this is how someone you "love" gets treated.

Report
LittleDragonGirl · 26/12/2019 14:50

For your sons sake you need to leave. Dont underestimate the impact growing up in this environment will have on your son growing up. By putting up with this behaviour and letting your husband bully you and your son you are treating your DS that this behaviour is okay. Your allowing your husband to aggressively shove and verbally abuse your son. This can manifest in a child in multiple ways, it can continue the cycle of abuse with your son eventually acting like his father as a way to cope, either in school or as a adult when hes in a relationship, or it could cause mental health and problems with social relationships due to being made to be afraid and belittled every day. This is no way for a child to break up and is something I witnessed in my husband (who had a similar childhood to your ds) and it took years of support and therapy and being involved with my family and cutting his off to manage and change his behaviour and attitude. And also meant before we met and married he had jumped from toxic relationship to toxic relationship and was actually abused by his ex wife due to not knowing any differently and being abusive towards myself at the beginning. The only reason we managed to get to this point is due to my background in psychology and lot of support and understanding and the fact.that he WANTED to change and not continue to the cycle of abuse. So please do not fool yourself that this environment will not impact your child.

Also regarding yourself, this is a ABUSIVE environment. As pp have said it shows all the tell tail signs of abuse, his shifting behaviour, making you out to the cause and problem and taking no responsibility for his own behaviour or regards for how he is impacting others and his children. If his parents are enabling his behaviour wont change as he will convince himself that it's okay as others side with him, but trademark of abuse is being able to convince others that they are perfect and the fault lies fully with the other person. He is already happy to shove and intimidate your ds (again hallmark of abuse, picking on the weakest person) and would agree with pp that it's only a matter of time before he becomes violent with you and ds in a much more dangerous way. Frankly smashing things and lashing out is out of order and unless hes willing to go to counselling or therapy then I dont think this relationship is sustainable or saveable.

Regarding how much you work and being disabled. Without all the abuse and anger issues, that in itself is a reason to walk away. I myself am also disabled suffer from a lot of pain and exhaustion as well as mental health disorders, I work as much as I can, but my DH does work full time as I'm not always able to do long hours consistently without it having a bad impact on my health and he also does a majority of the house work and helps keeps things in order as I would really struggle otherwise and he has zero problems doing so. He sees it as a reasonable contribution due to my poor health. He worked shorter hours previously as he helps a lot at home but had no issues going full time when he saw the impact working long hours was having on my health and has never once expected me to do all the house work although I'm at home more, as he knows physically it would be a huge struggle and cause me longer term problems.

Report
Butterfly98 · 26/12/2019 15:04

@Newlifenewme2020 you know that you need to do the right thing and leave him. Please don't put your son through anymore turmoil, he is only a child FGS! Your Mum has already offered to help so get on with it. You sound like your confidence is at rock bottom (is it any wonder). Tell yourself that you're capable of making decisions (because you are!) and don't let that brute reduce you to thinking you're not! He will not change and I'm sorry to say that his violence will only escalate if you stay. It doesn't bear thinking about what he could do next, Please don't become another (murdered) victim of domestic violence that we'll be hearing about on the News or reading about in the papers. Sorry to be so blunt but it has to be said. I really hope you read this and take heed.

Report
LittleMissMe99 · 26/12/2019 15:16

Is this new behaviour? Or has he always being this way inclined? Could he be suffering with depression?

Report
Motoko · 26/12/2019 15:32

Depression doesn't cause abuse.

Report
spingly · 26/12/2019 16:53

@sofast where did the OP ask her vile abusive partner to do things for her?

OP, ease his stress (sarcasm) kick him out to his mummy and daddy's.

Report
WaggleWiggle · 26/12/2019 17:09

YANBU. It sounds awful. It’s really not your fault, either. Let’s imagine for one second that he’s absolutely right - you really do ‘hen peck‘ him constantly and he does nothing wrong. If that were the case, even then it still wouldn’t be acceptable for him to be smashing things rather than calmly discussing things that are bothering him or even walking away to calm down. Nor would it be acceptable for him to shove his child at someone else saying he does his head in. He’s reacting like that and blaming you rather than taking responsibility for having some adult self-control.

There seems to be absolutely incompatible friction between the two of you but he’s only able to see it from his own point of view and can’t perceive that he’s causing any of it. You also said you were crying and saying you couldn’t take any more, but he was only interested in his own emotions.

Is his health okay? You mentioned he’s recovered from a past mental health problem but is he possibly still struggling badly? Sometimes anger and chronic impatience are signs of extreme stress.

Is it possible for you to have a week or two entirely apart from each other, perhaps if he stays with his family or goes away like he threatened? Putting a bit of space between you might help you have some thinking time.

Report
Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 26/12/2019 17:19

Tell you what, I had a similarly awful one, although as expected not identical in every way. You are on a losing wicket trying to get his parents on side or to protect you. They won’t, they’ll protect their son and it will lead you to be more confused and more open to gaslighting.

Accept your parents’ offer of support and get away with your son.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Tana433 · 26/12/2019 17:47

OP, trust me when i say this is not normal. Your H is suffering from depression or is heading for a breakdown and is blaming it all on you ablely assisted by your in- laws. Believe me i have been there, this was me about 8 years ago and it is exhausting. Please just get you and your little boy out of there, you both deserve so much better. My ex in-laws were finally able to see their sons true colours and have since apologised for his behaviour. He has never apologised but i have since re-married (5 years ago) and have never been happier. Please believe me YADNBU.

Report
NotExactly9 · 26/12/2019 18:32

How are things, OP?

Report
Calvinlookingforhobbes · 26/12/2019 18:54

OP, I’m going to be harsh but it comes from a good place. In none of this do you appear to recognise how much all of this is going to damage your DC. You need to wake up and realise that you are enabling your DP to continually demonstrate horrendous behaviour in front of DC. Take you’re mums offer and leave.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.