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AIBU?

Was I at all in the wrong here

244 replies

newlifenewme2020 · 23/12/2019 05:37

Oh god this is so long but I just want to check in all of this if I did anything wrong

DH has had a issue with his temper for a while. I had hoped he was dealing with it until today.
Woke up this morning and DH got up with DS who is 6. Came down to see DH yelling at DS. DS had apparently send a pile of clothes DH had sorted out flying. I ask DH to calm down. DH storms upstairs with the pile of clothes and then gets to the top and throws them down.
I ask him to move them as his parents are due to take DS out and he doesn’t answer me just huffs and goes in the bedroom. At that point I am in tears (this has happened many times before but not for a while and I had hoped it was getting better- stupid me)

The doorbell goes and I am just finishing off making sure Ds has everything. DH walks in and shove DS to the door and yells at his parents “take him for gods sake he is doing my head in” I come up behind him and say “ no it’s you and your temper that are the problem and I am sick of it” (his parents think he can do not wrong but I tired of covering it up)
DH shuts the door goes mad at me and storms upstairs flinging a picture off the wall down the stairs and kicks the wall
After about half an hour I go up and ask him to get up and help me and he says “no” I say please we have so much to do before Christmas and he says “better get on with it then”
At this point I feel broken come downstairs and ring the Samaritans as I just need someone to talk too.
Afterwards I go back up and try to talk to him but he says I am always hen pecking him and I am a huge part of his stress. Again I ask him to help me. He storms out

After about an hour I am not sure when DS is due back so I ring his mum and ask but break down on the phone. MIL said they will be back soon.
By the time they get here DH is back and back in bed upstairs. I say to MiL please talk to him he say I have got to tell everyone he is ill over Christmas, I have so much to do I need his help.
After 20 minutes MIL comes down looks at DS and says “go up and give your dad a cuddle later he needs it”. She then says bye to me sarcastically and her and FIL walks out. FIL said hardly to me the whole time he was here.

After half an hour I go upstairs and again ask for his help. I get told no. When I ask what MIL said he says “unlike you she just asked if I was ok”
I take a deep breath and say please it is Christmas can we just get through it for DS. After 10 minutes of trying to persuade him he comes down.
He goes into the kitchen while I am in the living room and shouts “where is my wedding ring? I said I don’t know. He said he had thrown it down the stairs. I said no I have not seen it but have been tiding up all over. He then says oh it is lost then.

Now I shouldn’t have not done this but I said “oh you don’t sound upset”
There is a huge crash of breaking glass and I just freeze and so does DS. After about 10 seconds I call out “what’s happened”
He comes storming in and again I say “what has happened”
He says “back door window broken”
I walk in the kitchen see one pain of the back door window smashed (luckily double so one paine is still intact)

At this point I grab the phone and ring MiL, DH is trying to stop me but I get through and just say
“He has smashed the back door window, he needs help, he needs help with his temper, I can’t cope with this any more”
DH grabs the phone of me and says “I am coming round mum” he then storms out.

At this point I ring my mum who comes round and she helped me with stuff and we talked things through. She says if I leave I have there full support but if I stay there has got to be a chance for DSs sake and he needs help.

After a few hours she goes and DH comes back and goes straight upstairs. I go up and asked what in-laws had said.
DH says they just want me to be ok and why did you not ask how the window had smashed as it was an accident!!!! I ask how the heck a window ended up smashed by accident but he won’t tell me.
He then said “if I cared I would have called our straight away to see if he was ok”.

As I said earlier in the thread I just froze when it happened and I heard the glass

He then goes on to say again I hen peck him and cause his stress. I get at him and speak to him like a child and I keep pushing until he loses his temper and when he loses it I just keep getting at him.
He then said he wants to drive to the airport and jump on a plane. When I say to him “in that case do you know where your passport is and by the way there is sun cream in the cabinet” he leaps up, packs a bag and says “this was a prime example of me getting at him and hen pecking when he is in a mood”. He then said again the window was an accident and I always think the worse.

I expect I was meant to beg him not to go

And that I were we have left it. I have ended up in bed and him on the sofa. The packed bag ended up just being packed and not going anywhere.

It’s been playing on my mind all night. I think I know what I have to do but I just want to ask for my peace of mind- did I cause any of that?

I though I might get a text for MIL to ask if I am ok but no- nothing.

Just feel numb. Christmas is ruined. I turned to in-laws for help and it has just made things worse

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1090 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
5%
You are NOT being unreasonable
95%
thepeopleversuswork · 23/12/2019 07:23

This is one of the most chilling things I have read about abuse. In no way is any of this your fault, and the fact this even crosses your mind shows how badly he has controlled the way you see yourself.

I hope you understand that you owe it to your child to get out.

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Sushiroller · 23/12/2019 07:27

This is insane.
He is destroying your house, your mental health and your son's childhood
None of what you describe is normal or okay and does not sound safe. At all.

Please leave for your sake and your child's.

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Hairyfairy01 · 23/12/2019 07:28

It’s not your fault and you have done nothing wrong. You and your ds do not deserve this. Take up your mums offer of support, pack your essentials and leave with your ds. You need to protect your ds now.

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Obligatorync · 23/12/2019 07:29

He may be struggling but he is being abusive and it isn't ok to live like this with a child or partner.

You need to recognise that there is no support to be had from your PIL.

Use your own DM for support.

If he really wants to get help, he needs to move out while he gets it. Sure MIL will be delighted to oblige. Hmm

If not - or if you flat out don't want to be with him anymore which is probably your best option - end it.

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B0bbin · 23/12/2019 07:29

He's behaving like a child who is not getting his own way, doing more stuff to get attention... his mum seems to be enabling, which might explain how he ended up this way. Someone who sudddenly kicks and punches walls and chucks clithes down the stairs should see how you thought he smashed the window on purpose (which it sounds like he did). Making you feel guilty for not asking how he was... i hope you can send him to his mum's for Christmas Cake

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lowlandLucky · 23/12/2019 07:29

The pair of you need time apart. Does he suffer with depression ? Do you understand the need for space ? The pair of you seem to bring out the worst in each other, i pity the poor child stuck in the middle

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IHateBlueLights · 23/12/2019 07:30

Get him out of your home and your life. He is a violent bully.

Protect yourself and your child.

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ellesbellesxxx · 23/12/2019 07:31

He sounds awful... if I ask my husband to help me, he helps me. He doesn’t throw a strop!
Please leave.. you don’t want your DS to grow up thinking that’s how you treat someone

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WhereverIMayRoam · 23/12/2019 07:33

But things now are good, he’s still stroppy but I’ve learnt to leave him, don’t go upstairs to ask for help/try and talk etc as it throws fuel on the fire. Honestly it takes everything you have not to go back and try to ‘sort’ the situation or protest how unreasonable he’s being, but it really won’t help, as frustrating as that is it really will exacerbate the situation

Sorry @Pippa12 but that’s depressing to read, he’s really trained you well Sad.

OP don’t expect any support or understanding from his parents - it’s quite possible that’s where he learned this abusive behaviour. I agree with pps that you should go to your mother and really think about ending this relationship.

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Sushiroller · 23/12/2019 07:35

Also it wasn't an accident, the gaslighting shithead broke that window. Just like he flung a picture off the wall kicked the wall hurled his wedding ring in petulant anger.

Run don't walk.

I cannot believe what I am reading from some posters.
@knittedgoldfish he IS physically violent he is trashing the house in anger over NOTHING.
@Dontdisturbmenow his behaviour "wasnt great" Xmas Confused wtf? he trashed the house?!? Even if i felt my parenting was being undermined (rather than my child being verbally abused and terrorised for an accident) I would not behave like this. Would you want to live with this bloke? Because I bloody well wouldn't. He sounds like an abusive nightmare.

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MsChnandlerBong · 23/12/2019 07:36

The pair of you need time apart. Does he suffer with depression

That's HONESTLY what you take from this thread? That this poor little lamb might have depression? Never mind the fact that he's a VIOLENT ABUSER, nah let's excuse it and suggest depression. Pathetic. What a penis pleases you must be.

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Whiskers14 · 23/12/2019 07:37

You did nothing wrong, except call his mum because she is never going to take your side and you need to watch your back with them. It's horrible to read you blaming yourself - it's your fault you have disabilities and seizures, it's your fault you work 55 hours a week (why on earth is he part-time when you need the money?!), it's your fault you're dog tired. If a friend said those things about herself you'd tell her to give her head a wobble and leave her abusive husband. So pack a bag and take your son to your mum's and read @Fedupofitnow123's post because she was where you are now and she bravely escaped for the sake of her son.

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myhandsareverycold · 23/12/2019 07:37

I often give this advice on these types of threads... if this was a close friend or sister and what you describe what happening to her and her child what would you tell her to do?

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Salene · 23/12/2019 07:38

You need to get your son out of there before he ends up physiologically damaged. That's a horrendous situation for him to be living in, he must be terrified of his father.

It's your job to protect him, get him away from that man.

I wouldn't normally encourage people to leave but in this circumstance you absolutely need to.

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homeishere · 23/12/2019 07:38

Clearly you have to leave and he’s abusive. Glass door smashed today, easily could be kid pushed down the stairs tomorrow etc.

But, I don’t think you were very wise to prod the hornets’ nest as such. It does sound like your actions exacerbated his anger.

I’m not victim blaming, before I get a load of outraged PC brigade on here, just stating that if he’s angry and pissed off then leave him stewing away from you and DS. The best thing to do is leave him permanently.

Record all these incidents in a log as it will be handy to show why he shouldn’t have custody.

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Alexandra80 · 23/12/2019 07:38

Leave ffs. Your poor DS is going to be messed up otherwise. I speak from experience as a child who's mum didn't leave my abusive dad. I'm sorry you're in this and so deep you don't see how bad it truly is. He will hit you. If he's not already. And he already controls you both through fear and gaslighting Flowers

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Nanny0gg · 23/12/2019 07:40

You owe it to your son to leave. It's not your fault and he's abusive. And his parents condone it.

Leave. Please.

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MurrayTheMonk · 23/12/2019 07:41

He's it mentally well is he? I don't think you are safe. And I don't think the kids need to see any of this.
I'd get out there and leave him to his enabling parents as soon as possible.

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MyOtherProfile · 23/12/2019 07:42

Don't leave. Tell him to leave. You and D's get to carry on in your own home.

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MyOtherProfile · 23/12/2019 07:42

But whatever, this has to end and you need to not be with him any more. No more chances unless he changes and even then I'd wait and see.

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TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 23/12/2019 07:43

The only place you went wrong was continuing to go to him begging him to help you. He wasn't going to calm down, regardless of who was right or wrong. And you repeatedly going in to him was only antagonising an already volatile situation.

I know you say loads needs to be done, but the best thing you could have done was left and gone to your parents.

Your son does not need to be subjected to violent angry outbursts from a msn who smashes things up. His parents are on his side, because he spins them his version. My friends husband was very like your husband. Except add drink and cocaine into the mix. It took a very VERY long time for his family to see what she was living with, and they only saw it when she left him and he then had nobody to hide his behaviour from them.

Go to your mum. Bring your son. It will be upsetting for everyone but living under this cloud, always waiting for the next outburst is no way to live, for you or your son. And do not move back in unless he takes actual steps to address his anger.

Does he lose it like that at work? Or with his parents? Or with friends? If not, then he can control it when he wants to. But doesn't respect you enough to treat you the same.

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Tombliwho · 23/12/2019 07:49

I voted yabu and I'm happy to justify it.
His behaviour is disgusting. He sounds like a truly horrible abusive dickhead and his mummy seems to enable it. While he is receiving validation from her he will feel justified in how he behaves.
However, your posts don't seem to show any concern for your child. You have been upset and frightened by the events you describe so imagine how a six year old is feeling. His dad is kicking off smashing the place up and his mum is up and down the stairs trying to negotiate with this abuser. Your main concern should be that child. Ita irrelevant that your partner is sometimes lovely and still "makes your tummy flip". Your child is being exposed to abuse, you have family willing to support you leaving. You should leave without question.

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skyblu · 23/12/2019 07:50

He sounds incredibly unhappy for whatever reason and you two as a couple seem completely unable to relate/connect.
Whatever reasons, whoever’s fault, there is NO excuse for these constant outbursts and this must be an awful environment for your poor son.
I think you will be best apart for now and to then seek some Professional relationship help, to see if a councillor can help unravel your DH’s issues/unhappiness and allow you to both decide if a future together is what you really want or if you’d better going your separate ways.

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FREEM · 23/12/2019 07:51

Please believe what everyone is saying.
This is not your fault.
can you leave over Xmas and phone relate or something

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Guavaf1sh · 23/12/2019 07:52

He’s abusive. Leave

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