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Was I at all in the wrong here

244 replies

newlifenewme2020 · 23/12/2019 05:37

Oh god this is so long but I just want to check in all of this if I did anything wrong

DH has had a issue with his temper for a while. I had hoped he was dealing with it until today.
Woke up this morning and DH got up with DS who is 6. Came down to see DH yelling at DS. DS had apparently send a pile of clothes DH had sorted out flying. I ask DH to calm down. DH storms upstairs with the pile of clothes and then gets to the top and throws them down.
I ask him to move them as his parents are due to take DS out and he doesn’t answer me just huffs and goes in the bedroom. At that point I am in tears (this has happened many times before but not for a while and I had hoped it was getting better- stupid me)

The doorbell goes and I am just finishing off making sure Ds has everything. DH walks in and shove DS to the door and yells at his parents “take him for gods sake he is doing my head in” I come up behind him and say “ no it’s you and your temper that are the problem and I am sick of it” (his parents think he can do not wrong but I tired of covering it up)
DH shuts the door goes mad at me and storms upstairs flinging a picture off the wall down the stairs and kicks the wall
After about half an hour I go up and ask him to get up and help me and he says “no” I say please we have so much to do before Christmas and he says “better get on with it then”
At this point I feel broken come downstairs and ring the Samaritans as I just need someone to talk too.
Afterwards I go back up and try to talk to him but he says I am always hen pecking him and I am a huge part of his stress. Again I ask him to help me. He storms out

After about an hour I am not sure when DS is due back so I ring his mum and ask but break down on the phone. MIL said they will be back soon.
By the time they get here DH is back and back in bed upstairs. I say to MiL please talk to him he say I have got to tell everyone he is ill over Christmas, I have so much to do I need his help.
After 20 minutes MIL comes down looks at DS and says “go up and give your dad a cuddle later he needs it”. She then says bye to me sarcastically and her and FIL walks out. FIL said hardly to me the whole time he was here.

After half an hour I go upstairs and again ask for his help. I get told no. When I ask what MIL said he says “unlike you she just asked if I was ok”
I take a deep breath and say please it is Christmas can we just get through it for DS. After 10 minutes of trying to persuade him he comes down.
He goes into the kitchen while I am in the living room and shouts “where is my wedding ring? I said I don’t know. He said he had thrown it down the stairs. I said no I have not seen it but have been tiding up all over. He then says oh it is lost then.

Now I shouldn’t have not done this but I said “oh you don’t sound upset”
There is a huge crash of breaking glass and I just freeze and so does DS. After about 10 seconds I call out “what’s happened”
He comes storming in and again I say “what has happened”
He says “back door window broken”
I walk in the kitchen see one pain of the back door window smashed (luckily double so one paine is still intact)

At this point I grab the phone and ring MiL, DH is trying to stop me but I get through and just say
“He has smashed the back door window, he needs help, he needs help with his temper, I can’t cope with this any more”
DH grabs the phone of me and says “I am coming round mum” he then storms out.

At this point I ring my mum who comes round and she helped me with stuff and we talked things through. She says if I leave I have there full support but if I stay there has got to be a chance for DSs sake and he needs help.

After a few hours she goes and DH comes back and goes straight upstairs. I go up and asked what in-laws had said.
DH says they just want me to be ok and why did you not ask how the window had smashed as it was an accident!!!! I ask how the heck a window ended up smashed by accident but he won’t tell me.
He then said “if I cared I would have called our straight away to see if he was ok”.

As I said earlier in the thread I just froze when it happened and I heard the glass

He then goes on to say again I hen peck him and cause his stress. I get at him and speak to him like a child and I keep pushing until he loses his temper and when he loses it I just keep getting at him.
He then said he wants to drive to the airport and jump on a plane. When I say to him “in that case do you know where your passport is and by the way there is sun cream in the cabinet” he leaps up, packs a bag and says “this was a prime example of me getting at him and hen pecking when he is in a mood”. He then said again the window was an accident and I always think the worse.

I expect I was meant to beg him not to go

And that I were we have left it. I have ended up in bed and him on the sofa. The packed bag ended up just being packed and not going anywhere.

It’s been playing on my mind all night. I think I know what I have to do but I just want to ask for my peace of mind- did I cause any of that?

I though I might get a text for MIL to ask if I am ok but no- nothing.

Just feel numb. Christmas is ruined. I turned to in-laws for help and it has just made things worse

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1090 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
newlifenewme2020 · 23/12/2019 06:14

I don’t do most of the housework. Sorry just want to paint a full picture here. He does more then me to be fair. I know I need to do more. That is a huge fault of mine.
I am seeing a councillor at the moment as an ex boyfriend sexually assaulted me many years ago and I have still not come to terms with it.

OP posts:
lavenderbongo · 23/12/2019 06:15

Please leave this man. He is doing huge damage to your son. He is a terrible role model and you are giving your son a terrible example of what a marriage should be like. You will spend the rest of your life walking on egg shells terrified to upset him. Leave now.

Helpfullilly · 23/12/2019 06:15

He is abusing you and your son. You have done nothing wrong. Neither of you deserve to be treated this way. He is totally selfish and only thinking about himself.

He reminds me of my father who I got a non-molestation order against as an adult. He used to do things like throw my mine and my brother shoes and coats out of the house into the front garden in a rage because one day he decided he hated where we normally put them (the same place they had been putting on coming home since we were little children, we were teens then). We lived our lives around trying to avoid his rages.

It badly affected my brother and I, leaving us with issues and challenges as adults. We both wish my mother left him when I was much younger.

Don't bother with the in-laws. They are the people who raised him and probably why he is like this. They will only reinforce and encourage his behaviour or pretend its only due to you provoking him. They are not your friends of allies.

Please consider calling Women's Aid or contacting your local domestic violence centre. You need help and if you try to leave he may worsen his behaviour, becoming violent. There could also be issues with him having access to your son.

It's not an anger issue, it's a personality problem. Please protect your little boy from this awful person.

newlifenewme2020 · 23/12/2019 06:15

To the people who have voted that I am being unreasonable please tell me how and what I could have done differently

OP posts:
TotheletterofthelawTHELETTER · 23/12/2019 06:17

This is not your fault.

I would take your DS and go to your Mum’s for Christmas at least and then seriously consider leaving.

He may be lovely most of the time but that’s part of the abusive cycle. Temper flares, things get broken and thrown, then he’s so lovely you decide to stick it out...and repeat.

You deserve more and your son deserves not to be exposed to this behaviour.

lavenderbongo · 23/12/2019 06:17

You only have one life. Don’t waste it on this child of a man.

lavenderbongo · 23/12/2019 06:19

You have done nothing wrong apart from staying with this man and letting your son be exposed to this behaviour - leave now.

endofthelinefinally · 23/12/2019 06:19

Photograph all the damage.
Collect your valuables and documents.
Go to your mum's.
Report him to police.
Talk to Women's aid.
His behaviour will escalate.
Don't become a statistic.

Snowflake9 · 23/12/2019 06:26

Christmas or not. Your DS doesn't need to be around this behaviour. Please find the strength to leave.

I would insist on supervised visits with DS as he can't control his emotions

newlifenewme2020 · 23/12/2019 06:26

I just want to say I know I am bloody hard work
I have seizures can be up to 10 a week. I lose my memory quite often which must be hard
My fibro means I get fibro fog and forget things and am clumsy or I do stupid things like leave the fridge open or leave the tap running. I am tired so much if the time and my husband can say something to me and I wont take it in and ask him the same thing 30 seconds later.
I am still having issues from the sexual assult and have night terrors and sometimes I just sit drifting into space
Sorry as I said I just want to say I am not perfect. I am bloody hard work I know I am

OP posts:
CupoTeap · 23/12/2019 06:28

He made a massive threat and tried to get you to crumble by packing a bag. Boy did that fail!

Maybe in your counselling you could talk about your current situation as well. I think you will find your relationship is more abusive than you realise.

His parents are worried about him because of his breakdown and I guarantee everything is your fault when he speaks to them.

I would say to him that he is right, he should leave for a while. That his parents would love to support him through this difficult time and have some time away from each other.

Gogreen · 23/12/2019 06:29

That is terrible! How can you stay and live like that, the mother in law also doesn’t like you much, of course she is siding with her son though.

I’d leave, it’s not your thought he is a nightmare to live with, he then tries to make out that it is you! So insulting!

newlifenewme2020 · 23/12/2019 06:29

I keep thinking could the window have been broken by accident and did I just jump to conclusions.
I know my head needs a wobble. I think I need some more sleep.

OP posts:
Helpfullilly · 23/12/2019 06:30

My father could be lovely, too, when he wasn't doing things like throwing hot saucepans full of food across the kitchen because he didn't like what my mum had made for dinner.

I used to quietly clean up the mess while my parents shouted at each other, and lay in bed at night crying myself to sleep, not knowing why. Because that was normal for my family.

Really funny and charismatic man, good looking. He bought me some lovely things for birthdays and Christmas. Took us all on great holidays, liked to spoil my mum with clothes and perfume. -- It doesn't outweigh the abuse or emotional and psychological harm he did to me, my brother and my mum.

I have no contact with him at all as an adult and have had to have counselling for what my parents put me through (mainly him, but it's hard with mum sometimes as much as I love her because she didn't protect us from him in the way we needed, just taught us to be more compliant rather than leaving).

Bitofnamechanging · 23/12/2019 06:32

My instinct was to vote yabu. I didn't because I felt it was to harsh so I didn't vote. I was going to vote. because I feel yabu to put up with it. Maybe when he left for his mums you could have locked the door and not let him back.

I recognise though that it's not necessarily practical or easy to do that which is why I didn't vote. He's no good for you. I worry he will hurt you before long. I feel you need to leave

rwalker · 23/12/2019 06:34

The situation sounds toxic not in the slightest saying it's your fault but if someone is wound up like a spring just leave them alone.

QuiteForgetful · 23/12/2019 06:34

Your health should make him more tender towards you, double shame on him. Try to get some sleep, you need to be rested, and then have a nice visit at your parents with your son.

RoLaren · 23/12/2019 06:36

This isn't about ego, self pitying or making excuses or fault. This is about your 'dear' son growing up in an abusive household where neither parent put him first. Poor, poor boy. You cannot fathom the damage currently being done to him.

greatballsofyarn · 23/12/2019 06:38

This thread gets more and more upsetting to read every time you update, OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Even if you nag him; even if the window broke by mistake (as if); even if the messy house and lack of 1:1 time stress him out...he is STILL an abusive man with no excuse for his behaviour. You deserve better, and sadly we know that kids who grow up around abusive people (even when the abuse isn't usually 'directed' at them) can be significantly harmed by their experiences.

Your son is learning from the two of you every day how to handle his anger, how to treat his partner, and the treatment that he himself is 'worthy' of - and what he's learning from your OH is not healthy.

Please call Women's Aid (they have various ways to get in touch, including live chat: just to talk this through. And yes, when you can summon the courage get your son and yourself away from this and a step closer to the peaceful, safe life you both deserve.

Helpfullilly · 23/12/2019 06:39

I think, on the balance of probabilities, that it is far more likely the aggressive, angry man who was just throwing your possessions around broke the door in a rage than that it somehow broke itself. Whether he intended to break it or not, he clearly applied significant force to it with disregard for the outcome.

But it's bigger than the door, it's his lack of respect for you, the sulking, shouting at your son for accidentally knocking some clothes over, the manipulative behaviour over saying he will leave, shouting at your little boy, breaking and mishandling other possessions...

This is abuse. He is abusing you, and he is abusing your son.

Next time he loses control, what if you or the son is the door?

He isn't safe.

Beckyboom · 23/12/2019 06:40

Just the first part where he was shouting at your son and pushed him towards your in laws was enough. You should leave him. He is abusing your child.

I know that it easy to say but the damage being done to your son will be with him for the rest of his life. You need to put your son first.

Fedupofitnow123 · 23/12/2019 06:41

Reading that made me think of the relationship I have left a month ago with a ds and being pregnant.

The fear and the anxiety at his mood, the unknowing of how he will respond, how he will have a tantrum and then drop all responsibility to anything, the pushing and shoving of the child.

Not once did he care how that would make you or your ds feel. Not once.

I know the freeze you talk about when the window smashed. And my heart dropped for you.

I used to find I would stare off into space a lot too, since I've left that has happened less and less, stress does things to our brain and I'm sure you might improve if you leave too.

Give it another year and your 6 year old will be asking you to leave. You need to leave and give you both peace.

My ex was fantastic too sometimes, we got on really really well, but that was only on his terms, when he wanted it, and I stayed for those good times. It's not worth it. It really isn't.


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thickwoollytights · 23/12/2019 06:42

I know my head needs a wobble. I think I need some more sleep.

You need to get yourself and your son away from this man. Report his violence and change the locks if that is legally something you can do. But your son is not safe and you need to make sure he is safe. That is your responsibility

SucculentCandle · 23/12/2019 06:42

To the people who have voted that I am being unreasonable please tell me how and what I could have done differently

Ignore that, OP. These people are just dicks who have no way to justify the way they voted. They vote YABU just for the hell of it.

Dontdisturbmenow · 23/12/2019 06:42

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