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Was I at all in the wrong here

244 replies

newlifenewme2020 · 23/12/2019 05:37

Oh god this is so long but I just want to check in all of this if I did anything wrong

DH has had a issue with his temper for a while. I had hoped he was dealing with it until today.
Woke up this morning and DH got up with DS who is 6. Came down to see DH yelling at DS. DS had apparently send a pile of clothes DH had sorted out flying. I ask DH to calm down. DH storms upstairs with the pile of clothes and then gets to the top and throws them down.
I ask him to move them as his parents are due to take DS out and he doesn’t answer me just huffs and goes in the bedroom. At that point I am in tears (this has happened many times before but not for a while and I had hoped it was getting better- stupid me)

The doorbell goes and I am just finishing off making sure Ds has everything. DH walks in and shove DS to the door and yells at his parents “take him for gods sake he is doing my head in” I come up behind him and say “ no it’s you and your temper that are the problem and I am sick of it” (his parents think he can do not wrong but I tired of covering it up)
DH shuts the door goes mad at me and storms upstairs flinging a picture off the wall down the stairs and kicks the wall
After about half an hour I go up and ask him to get up and help me and he says “no” I say please we have so much to do before Christmas and he says “better get on with it then”
At this point I feel broken come downstairs and ring the Samaritans as I just need someone to talk too.
Afterwards I go back up and try to talk to him but he says I am always hen pecking him and I am a huge part of his stress. Again I ask him to help me. He storms out

After about an hour I am not sure when DS is due back so I ring his mum and ask but break down on the phone. MIL said they will be back soon.
By the time they get here DH is back and back in bed upstairs. I say to MiL please talk to him he say I have got to tell everyone he is ill over Christmas, I have so much to do I need his help.
After 20 minutes MIL comes down looks at DS and says “go up and give your dad a cuddle later he needs it”. She then says bye to me sarcastically and her and FIL walks out. FIL said hardly to me the whole time he was here.

After half an hour I go upstairs and again ask for his help. I get told no. When I ask what MIL said he says “unlike you she just asked if I was ok”
I take a deep breath and say please it is Christmas can we just get through it for DS. After 10 minutes of trying to persuade him he comes down.
He goes into the kitchen while I am in the living room and shouts “where is my wedding ring? I said I don’t know. He said he had thrown it down the stairs. I said no I have not seen it but have been tiding up all over. He then says oh it is lost then.

Now I shouldn’t have not done this but I said “oh you don’t sound upset”
There is a huge crash of breaking glass and I just freeze and so does DS. After about 10 seconds I call out “what’s happened”
He comes storming in and again I say “what has happened”
He says “back door window broken”
I walk in the kitchen see one pain of the back door window smashed (luckily double so one paine is still intact)

At this point I grab the phone and ring MiL, DH is trying to stop me but I get through and just say
“He has smashed the back door window, he needs help, he needs help with his temper, I can’t cope with this any more”
DH grabs the phone of me and says “I am coming round mum” he then storms out.

At this point I ring my mum who comes round and she helped me with stuff and we talked things through. She says if I leave I have there full support but if I stay there has got to be a chance for DSs sake and he needs help.

After a few hours she goes and DH comes back and goes straight upstairs. I go up and asked what in-laws had said.
DH says they just want me to be ok and why did you not ask how the window had smashed as it was an accident!!!! I ask how the heck a window ended up smashed by accident but he won’t tell me.
He then said “if I cared I would have called our straight away to see if he was ok”.

As I said earlier in the thread I just froze when it happened and I heard the glass

He then goes on to say again I hen peck him and cause his stress. I get at him and speak to him like a child and I keep pushing until he loses his temper and when he loses it I just keep getting at him.
He then said he wants to drive to the airport and jump on a plane. When I say to him “in that case do you know where your passport is and by the way there is sun cream in the cabinet” he leaps up, packs a bag and says “this was a prime example of me getting at him and hen pecking when he is in a mood”. He then said again the window was an accident and I always think the worse.

I expect I was meant to beg him not to go

And that I were we have left it. I have ended up in bed and him on the sofa. The packed bag ended up just being packed and not going anywhere.

It’s been playing on my mind all night. I think I know what I have to do but I just want to ask for my peace of mind- did I cause any of that?

I though I might get a text for MIL to ask if I am ok but no- nothing.

Just feel numb. Christmas is ruined. I turned to in-laws for help and it has just made things worse

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1090 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
Skidzer · 23/12/2019 08:41

It's Christmas. Expect many more of these threads.

No, I don't think the OP is without fault. Twice she went up to beg him for help. Twice he presumably said no. Then she rings the Samaritans, getting no joy there she rings his mother. Getting no joy there she comes on here. Where finally she meets people who tell her that she's a long suffering Mother Teresa who needs to leave her husband. Bingo!

Rosspoldarkssaddle · 23/12/2019 08:42

Time to take a break. Looking after someone with disabilities is hard. That is not to say it should result in a disgusting display of childish violence. His parents are not going to do anything but support him so turning to them was the only mistake you made here. Unless you want your son to start mirroring his behaviour or living in fear of him and his temper, you need to get him away.
No matter how many times your heart flips for him, he needs to sort his anger issues. You cannot rescue him, he needs to do that himself.
Once you are away from walking on eggshells you may find your fibro improves. Fibro is made worse by stress and whether he is being nice and loving or not, you will be subconsciously waiting on the next outburst. Break the cycle and make the right decision for you all.

Skidzer · 23/12/2019 08:43

Some people are very easily sucked in.

CiaoMay · 23/12/2019 08:46

Reading your post brought back a lot of childhood memories for me. You need to leave for your ds sake as well as your own. Its abuse and I would be surprised if being around that level of anger and the constant threat of an outburst of it hasn't traumatised your ds. Make him your priority now and good luck x

itsgettingweird · 23/12/2019 08:46

He's trying to blame his issues on you.

Is he seriously saying you drive him to throwing things and smashing them up - but yet he decides to stay?
You shocked him last night calling his bluff. That's good but may increase his behaviour. Can you and ds go and stay with your mum over Christmas?

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 23/12/2019 08:49

He’s abusive towards you and your child. This can’t be fixed by you. You either need to leave or to kick him out. Go to your mum’s, get some space and peace and perspective. You cannot look to your ILs for help, they will always take his side, and don’t forget, they made him the man he is.

Do your best for your son and be rid of this vile man.

HanginWithMyGnomies · 23/12/2019 08:49

@newlifenewme2020 I haven’t RTFT but please op. What you are describing was mid way into my relationship with a man who ended up putting a knife to my throat, fracturing my skull, breaking my ribs and giving me 2nd degree burns. I’m left with PTSD and a lifetime of scars emotionally and physically.

I would never say to leave someone easily, but you need to. For the life of your child and yourself. It’s serious and could end up very badly.

I wish you luck and strength.

HanginWithMyGnomies · 23/12/2019 08:50

I thought I could fix him too. You can’t fix men like this.

Poetryinaction · 23/12/2019 08:51

Yes he needs help. It does not have to come from you. You have ds to worry about, and are exhausted from dh temper tantrums.
He needs his parents to help him and you need space.
My dh is similar but not quite as extreme. At least he is open to getting better. He knows if he started breaking stuff we'd be off.
Hope you can get some space and look after yourself.

Wakaranaihito · 23/12/2019 08:53

For your sake and the sake of your DS take up your Mum's offer. This is abuse and bullying. It will be affecting your DS and unless he acknowledges this behaviour is not normal then nothing will change. Merry Christmas - none of this is your fault.

00Sassy · 23/12/2019 08:57

@Skidzer Then she rings the Samaritans, getting no joy there she rings his mother.

OP rang the fucking SAMARITANS!
That’s how bad things are for her.

Also at no point did she resort to anything physical to get her point across to him, he on the other hand threw clothes, his ring, shoved his son and smashed a window.

He’s a fucking disgrace.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/12/2019 09:01

@Namenic I hope you realise how dangerous your suggestions are. You are telling OP that SHE is the one who must make changes and tiptoe around in order to keep her DH sweet. Do you not think that the real problem here is his temper, and that HE should be the one to make changes to his own behaviour?

diddl · 23/12/2019 09:01

Oh lord he's horrible.

Even if what your son did was deliberate, what an overreaction by him.

I can't see at all why you are asking his mum for help though-look what he said about his son & she did nothing!

My parents would have been utterly disgusted with me if I spoke about my kids like that.

With any luck he'll piss off somewhere for Christmas & ou & your son can have a lovely one without him.

Either just you two or with your mum.

labazsisgoingmad · 23/12/2019 09:03

he is being abusive dont bother involving the inlaws they do nothing to help and probably contribute to the problem ask your mum for help if needs be take your child and go to hers you will break down if you stay in this awful atmosphere

Yetanotherwinter · 23/12/2019 09:03

He’s is not fantastic. Not in any way. He’s abusive to you and your son. He’s playing mind games with you. This is a perpetuating cycle of abuse, remorse, honeymoon period, waiting for the build up again, further period of abusive behaviour. It won’t stop unless you leave him. You need support to build your self esteem and belief in yourself that you can manage alone. What is happening will be badly impacting on your child who is no doubt bouncing from one terrifying incident to another. Please put your child and your safety before any feelings you have for your abusive husband. You can do this. Ring women’s aid, your local women’s refuge etc. There’s plenty of help out there. 💐

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/12/2019 09:04

@Skidzer and did you miss the part where she said he SHOVED his son and told his parents to take him as he is "doing my head in?"

RoseMartha · 23/12/2019 09:04

Go to your mums with dc and leave if you can. Please. I know, I have been where you are now. Please get out of there if you can. You are lucky to have the support of your mum, take it. I didnt have that option.

It is very hard to leave or tell him it is over, you somehow summon strength you never had to end a relationship like this. The journey is a difficult one as he will make it so and one you need to make when you are ready. You will know when you are ready. If you feel threatened call the police. See if there is a local support service who can give you help. Ring Victim Support or visit their website.

Take one hurdle at a time. Take one problem at a time. When it is solved you tackle the next one.

Dont be too hard on yourself. Be kind to you. Be strong for your dc.

Baby steps is sometimes all you can do.

Sending you 🤗🤗

FudgeBrownie2019 · 23/12/2019 09:06

You need to leave this relationship. You're both in the wrong.

His behaviour is unacceptable. It sounds like his mental health is in poor shape. This time of year in particular is stressful. Although tbh I dont know why you kept expecting him to do stuff for you. He said no. People make such a fuss at Christmas time, i do to, I put in tons of effort because I want to, I enjoy it. My husband however isn't in to all the fuss so while he help a bit when it comes to decorations and fancy Christmas extras he doesn't help and I dont mind.

He shouldn't have shouted at your child and you shouldn't have contacted his mum

This is such cool wife bullshit. Just because you're happy to do everything doesn't mean everyone else should. Is it at all possible to imagine that OP's dynamic is different from yours?

OP you were well within your rights to ask for outside help; from whichever place you thought you'd find it. The fact that his parents won't step in speaks volumes about them; as a grown woman if my Dad saw me throwing tantrums even now I think he'd go fucking nuts at me because he still holds me to high expectations, particularly if my children were watching. As a child I wouldn't have smashed a window and chucked stuff about during a tantrum, let alone as a parent. Normal people don't play these games.

OP I hope you can take something from this thread and begin to make plans to leave. He isn't going to change. He isn't going to fix himself. He's going to continue ruining Christmas, birthdays, days out and everything in between, corroding your self esteem and self worth. Sending you love and strength. Flowers

MissMoan · 23/12/2019 09:11

You are not responsible for someone else's behaviour. THEY are. Your DH sounds more like a CH. I am sorry you are going through this. He sounds like he needs serious help. Maybe leaving him will prompt him to seek this. Good luck OP x

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 23/12/2019 09:23


Whose name is n the deeds/rentbook of your home?

Because you really need to separate from this violent abusive man - not just for your sake, but for your child's. Can you imagine how frightened he must be by these displays of uncontrolled rage? And what lessons it is teaching him for his future relationships?

You are the main wage earner, so I'm pretty sure you could manage without his input financially. You will be ground down and destroyed if you stay in this relationship, and so will your child.

Tell him to go and stay with his parents - if he refuses, take your child and go to stay with yours. They have your back and will give you the support (and a bit of cosseting!) you need.

LTB (don't say it often, but I'm saying it now.)

ShinyGiratina · 23/12/2019 09:23

He is abusive.
He is dangerous to you and your son, and causing harm. Potentially devestatingly so.
Anything you do is constructed to be in the wrong. Attention= nagging/ interfering. Leaving him alone= neglecting/ ignoring him. You can not win because he will twist everything to you being wrong and inadequate (and you are not).

You need to make your plans to be able to leave safely. Get practical advice and support from the Relationships board and organisations like Women's Aid. Do not let him know your plans. Be prepared to go with essentials if you are in imminent danger. Do not approach the ILs.

Shame on the handful of appologists excusing his behaviour.

I was in a stinking mood (for a variety of reasons) the other night. I recognised that I was struggling to behave in a civilised manner and getting ready to explode so took myself out for a vigorous walk to burn that excess energy and clear my head. 20 minutes later, back home and able to behave appropriately again. My mood, my responsibility.

WatchingTheMoon · 23/12/2019 09:23

It doesn't matter how nice and kind and charming he is in-between, his behaviour is frightening and abusive.

Get out ASAP.


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koshkat · 23/12/2019 09:23

OP please ignore the victim blaming shit from Skidzer.

You deserve better and your child deserves better. This could escalate horribly and you need to leave. Your mum said that she will help - take her up on it and get the fuck out of there.
Even if this abusive man has made you feel so low that you feel somehow obligated to stay - DO NOT STAY. Your son needs better than this and no child should have to grow up in such a toxic environment.

Rainbowx · 23/12/2019 09:25

Yanbu it's not your fault he is like this but yabu for not walking away with your son for his own safety this will get worse not better please put your son 1st

Sofast · 23/12/2019 09:27

@FudgeBrownie2019 I'm not a cool wife. The point I was trying to make was that the op's expectations were high. If she doesn't want to do all the Christmas fuss herself then she shouldn't do it. One of my friends has no christmas decs at all because she doesn't want to be the only one to put the effort in, equally she doesn't have people over because shes not into hosting a big day where she ends up shattered. People make such a fuss at christmas but they dont have to

I did say he was wrong to lose his temper

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