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AIBU?

Was I at all in the wrong here

244 replies

newlifenewme2020 · 23/12/2019 05:37

Oh god this is so long but I just want to check in all of this if I did anything wrong

DH has had a issue with his temper for a while. I had hoped he was dealing with it until today.
Woke up this morning and DH got up with DS who is 6. Came down to see DH yelling at DS. DS had apparently send a pile of clothes DH had sorted out flying. I ask DH to calm down. DH storms upstairs with the pile of clothes and then gets to the top and throws them down.
I ask him to move them as his parents are due to take DS out and he doesn’t answer me just huffs and goes in the bedroom. At that point I am in tears (this has happened many times before but not for a while and I had hoped it was getting better- stupid me)

The doorbell goes and I am just finishing off making sure Ds has everything. DH walks in and shove DS to the door and yells at his parents “take him for gods sake he is doing my head in” I come up behind him and say “ no it’s you and your temper that are the problem and I am sick of it” (his parents think he can do not wrong but I tired of covering it up)
DH shuts the door goes mad at me and storms upstairs flinging a picture off the wall down the stairs and kicks the wall
After about half an hour I go up and ask him to get up and help me and he says “no” I say please we have so much to do before Christmas and he says “better get on with it then”
At this point I feel broken come downstairs and ring the Samaritans as I just need someone to talk too.
Afterwards I go back up and try to talk to him but he says I am always hen pecking him and I am a huge part of his stress. Again I ask him to help me. He storms out

After about an hour I am not sure when DS is due back so I ring his mum and ask but break down on the phone. MIL said they will be back soon.
By the time they get here DH is back and back in bed upstairs. I say to MiL please talk to him he say I have got to tell everyone he is ill over Christmas, I have so much to do I need his help.
After 20 minutes MIL comes down looks at DS and says “go up and give your dad a cuddle later he needs it”. She then says bye to me sarcastically and her and FIL walks out. FIL said hardly to me the whole time he was here.

After half an hour I go upstairs and again ask for his help. I get told no. When I ask what MIL said he says “unlike you she just asked if I was ok”
I take a deep breath and say please it is Christmas can we just get through it for DS. After 10 minutes of trying to persuade him he comes down.
He goes into the kitchen while I am in the living room and shouts “where is my wedding ring? I said I don’t know. He said he had thrown it down the stairs. I said no I have not seen it but have been tiding up all over. He then says oh it is lost then.

Now I shouldn’t have not done this but I said “oh you don’t sound upset”
There is a huge crash of breaking glass and I just freeze and so does DS. After about 10 seconds I call out “what’s happened”
He comes storming in and again I say “what has happened”
He says “back door window broken”
I walk in the kitchen see one pain of the back door window smashed (luckily double so one paine is still intact)

At this point I grab the phone and ring MiL, DH is trying to stop me but I get through and just say
“He has smashed the back door window, he needs help, he needs help with his temper, I can’t cope with this any more”
DH grabs the phone of me and says “I am coming round mum” he then storms out.

At this point I ring my mum who comes round and she helped me with stuff and we talked things through. She says if I leave I have there full support but if I stay there has got to be a chance for DSs sake and he needs help.

After a few hours she goes and DH comes back and goes straight upstairs. I go up and asked what in-laws had said.
DH says they just want me to be ok and why did you not ask how the window had smashed as it was an accident!!!! I ask how the heck a window ended up smashed by accident but he won’t tell me.
He then said “if I cared I would have called our straight away to see if he was ok”.

As I said earlier in the thread I just froze when it happened and I heard the glass

He then goes on to say again I hen peck him and cause his stress. I get at him and speak to him like a child and I keep pushing until he loses his temper and when he loses it I just keep getting at him.
He then said he wants to drive to the airport and jump on a plane. When I say to him “in that case do you know where your passport is and by the way there is sun cream in the cabinet” he leaps up, packs a bag and says “this was a prime example of me getting at him and hen pecking when he is in a mood”. He then said again the window was an accident and I always think the worse.

I expect I was meant to beg him not to go

And that I were we have left it. I have ended up in bed and him on the sofa. The packed bag ended up just being packed and not going anywhere.

It’s been playing on my mind all night. I think I know what I have to do but I just want to ask for my peace of mind- did I cause any of that?

I though I might get a text for MIL to ask if I am ok but no- nothing.

Just feel numb. Christmas is ruined. I turned to in-laws for help and it has just made things worse

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1090 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
5%
You are NOT being unreasonable
95%
DesignedForLife · 23/12/2019 06:44

He shoved your son. He broke things and threw things. No you did not do anything to deserve this.

Please pack your bags and go to your mums. I’m sure you’ll have a much nicer Christmas without this abuse.

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KatherineJaneway · 23/12/2019 06:46

To the people who have voted that I am being unreasonable please tell me how and what I could have done differently

I suspect they voted that way as your Mum has given you a way out of this situation and you haven't taken it.

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Fleetheart · 23/12/2019 06:48

Crikey, don’t blame yourself. He definitely has anger issues. Your in laws are not being fair to you. This behaviour is wrong. Go and stay with your mum for Christmas.

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Shoxfordian · 23/12/2019 06:48

It doesn't matter how much "hard work" you think you are, he is abusive to you and its unacceptable

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cordeliavorkosigan · 23/12/2019 06:49

Millions and millions of doors the world over somehow don’t spontaneously break on heir own. Your h has form for smashing stuff and was in a rage, so ... put 2 and 2 together. No way did that window break itself, he broke it, he lied, he uses misogynistic language to put you down (nagging, hen pecking), he has you walking on eggshells, he is horrid to your son and he has you feeling bad for not doing more when you work twice the hours he does!!?
Think about that.
Then leave him.

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Fleetheart · 23/12/2019 06:50

I agree you should not be calling his mum if he behaves badly. I am with you as I don’t think a window can really be broken “by mistake”, but expecting his mum to come and tell him off is not reasonable!

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justcly · 23/12/2019 06:53

Sweetheart, forget about the people who voted YABU. You don't need anyone's validation. You have fibromyalgia. You know that it gets worse with stress. Your husband is a pig. He may be punching windows and walls now, but it is only a matter of time before he turns on you or your child. All else aside, his behaviour is not remotely age appropriate and his mother is enabling him.

This is not about you "being a nightmare to live with". Any reasonable person would understand that you have a disability and you need rest. A person who loved you would insist you take that rest. I know this is hard to hear. I have been in your position.

Forget soul searching. You have done nothing wrong, and nothing you could have done would have changed what happened because he wanted it to happen exactly the way it did.

Leave. Don't throw him out and stay in the house - he will make your life a misery. Take photos of the damage he has done, take your son, and go to your Mum. Let her make a fuss of you for a while. Do not make contact. Do not respond to taunts or pleas. In the New Year, go and see a solicitor. You are worth so much more than this.

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Celebelly · 23/12/2019 06:53

He's an abusive shit and your son is being exposed to it and learning that this is how to behave and treat people. Please get out for his safety if not your own.

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Vulpine · 23/12/2019 06:54

Dont disturb me - anyone shouting at their child does indeed need to calm down. Although asking some one to calm down is the last thing to say to someone who needs to calm down. But there is no excuse for his behaviour

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meredithgrey1 · 23/12/2019 06:59

keep thinking could the window have been broken by accident and did I just jump to conclusions.

No, it wasn't an accident (other than in the sense that he probably didn't think "I want to break that window"). He hit it/slammed it/threw something at it so hard it broke.

It must be hard for him with your illness, of course. But please do not ever think that that in any way justifies any of things you have described here. It's to his benefit that you think this is your fault, that he "puts up with" a lot from you, that you couldn't manage without him, but none of that is true.

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Thecrown3 · 23/12/2019 07:02

It doesn’t matter who is at fault here, could be half and half.BUT go to your mums for Xmas , let the dust settle.The important bit here is your son and what he is witnessing/hearing.It is not good and children have a canny knack of thinking it’s their fault.
Get over this “is it me or him” it’s gone past that point now.Over Xmas, it’s a stressful time anyhow for most people, can tip most ordinary mild mannered people over the edge, if your partner is struggling now, what will the next few days be like.
Go to your mums with your son and have a mental rest, your son too.
Enjoy Xmas and hopefully see the woods for the trees in a few days time

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Jumblebee · 23/12/2019 07:04

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP, I will echo what other posters have said and urge you to take your child and leave this man. If you change the locks at home do you think there is a high chance he will act out violently trying to force his way in? (it sounds like there would be) if that's the case if you are able to go to your mums. He might try to do the same there but at least there would be another adult there with you.

I really feel for you and your son, as a child I know how miserable it can be to walk on eggshells round an adult. I think you will both be much happier without this man in your life.

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Disillusioneddaisy · 23/12/2019 07:05

You deserve better. He sounds like a complete sulking man child with serious anger problems. Surely you don't want your son growing up around this? His parents only have his interests at heart. Maybe they'd feel differently if he moved back with them and they had to deal with it.

Please put your foot down and get LTB

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Pippa12 · 23/12/2019 07:05

I’m so sorry you are going through this and it seems perhaps a temporary separation is the very least that should happen here.

Although I’m going to go against the grain and ask about your husbands mental health. You’ve mentioned that he’s previously had a break down which he’s recovered from- was his anger management issues heightened previously/during recovery? Could he be having a relapse/wobble which is presenting in a explosions of anger?

I write this as I wrote a very similar thread a few years ago. I was desperately unhappy with similar scenarios of my husband outburting like so. I got lots of replies say LTB. Looking back he was overwhelmed with work, I had suffered Ill health, had a baby, his parents had been ill and he’d become very depressed. But things now are good, he’s still stroppy but I’ve learnt to leave him, don’t go upstairs to ask for help/try and talk etc as it throws fuel on the fire. Honestly it takes everything you have not to go back and try to ‘sort’ the situation or protest how unreasonable he’s being, but it really won’t help, as frustrating as that is it really will exacerbate the situation.

I really love my husband deeply, he’s not perfect but after lots of work we’ve got to a good place and understand each other.

Just a thought that mentally he maybe struggling and his mum is bathing his wounds. Although I am not saying persistant shit house behaviour is acceptable, and if he isn’t willing to acknowledge he was unreasonable and needs to seek help in a moment when he’s calmed down and reflected on events, you need to rethink long term. Maybe a few days at your mums will send a strong message Flowers

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puds11 · 23/12/2019 07:05

All you really need to ask yourself is if you are happy for your DS to grow up thinking this is acceptable behaviour and what your position will be when his wife rings you to say she can’t cope any more.

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thickwoollytights · 23/12/2019 07:06

To the people who have voted that I am being unreasonable please tell me how and what I could have done differently

Take your son and yourself away from this nasty man for good

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Henrysmycat · 23/12/2019 07:06

@Dontdisturbmenow you are talking out of your ass right now. I’ve got a short fuse but his behaviour towards the child is unacceptable and she was absolutely right to tell him to calm down. In which universe was his behaviour justified even if the kid was a little shit. (Which I doubt) If you behave like this or excuse a violent arse like him you got anger issues.

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minisoksmakehardwork · 23/12/2019 07:08

@dontdisturbmenow what the actual?

I assume you are either the dh or someone like the dh.

Nowhere does op say the clothes went flying on purpose. I've lost count of the number of times my kids have accidentally knocked a just folded pile of clothes. I've told them to look where they're going and got them to help retold, not had a tantrum and smashed stuff up over it.

@newlifenewme2020. I add to the chorus of 'take your son and go to your parents' although make sure you have all your essential paperwork, copies of finances etc as recommended by others in threads like this.

It is not a safe environment to raise your son in. Your dh's behaviour is very much like that of my father and it's one of many reasons I am nc with my parents. You may also find your own health improves with a major stressor removed from your life.

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minisoksmakehardwork · 23/12/2019 07:09

It's not going to be easy. But your life isn't easy at the moment so anything has got to be an improvement, right?

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Henrysmycat · 23/12/2019 07:14

As the sister of a DV victim, this is how shit starts, OP. It escalates. He’s training you, to do as he wants, not to upset him. You and your child would be walking on eggshells.
In-Laws are assholes too to support that ridiculous manchild with violent behaviour. And when he beats you up, I bet they say that you caused it. Stop going to them for help.
All I’m asking is to see if you’d like your child to live in fear like this.
Since it looks like you’re he main breadwinner, kick him out for you DS sake.
I work with men and many were talking about getting home and helping with Christmas prep.
Get rid of the violent asshole.

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Miniloso · 23/12/2019 07:15

For the future mental health of your son please, please leave. Your husband is a violent abuser. Your son will be damaged permanently if he is exposed to any more of this toxic , violent abuser.

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Beautiful3 · 23/12/2019 07:15

Honestly, I would leave. You're in an unhealthy relationship. He is being abusive and manipulative.

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3dogs2cats · 23/12/2019 07:20

@Fedupofitnow123. I read your thread, but then lost it. I am so pleased you were able to leave. Well done.
Newlifenewme2020. Your user name says more than your posts.i think at one level you understand where the problem lies, but can’t admit to yourself that your husband is not your happy ending. Please photograph the damage and get yourself and your boy to safety.

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knittedgoldfish · 23/12/2019 07:20

As someone who had a similar problem with anger as your husband, I'll tell you what my husband did.

Every time I blamed him and made excuses, he pointed out that these might be reasons I was angry but that reasons never excuse violent/ angry behaviour. It was still my fault I lost my temper.

When my behaviour became unacceptable he gave me an ultimatum and I knew he meant it. Seek anger management therapy or he would leave for good. I did, and it helped so much. I have top up sessions in times of stress but the problem has now pretty much gone and I feel so pleased and so ashamed looking back.

If he's not being physically violent and you want to try to help, you could try that. But it sounds like he won't accept responsibility for his behaviour. If he won't do that then I don't see how you can do anything, and I would leave.

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londonrach · 23/12/2019 07:21

Op youve done nothing weong. Op..pack your bag, take ds and your passport and go to your mums. Glass today, tomorrow could be you or ds. Your inlaws are not people to turn to for help. Your husband had issues and worried next think he hit is you or ds. Please go to your mum

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