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AIBU?

Was I at all in the wrong here

244 replies

newlifenewme2020 · 23/12/2019 05:37

Oh god this is so long but I just want to check in all of this if I did anything wrong

DH has had a issue with his temper for a while. I had hoped he was dealing with it until today.
Woke up this morning and DH got up with DS who is 6. Came down to see DH yelling at DS. DS had apparently send a pile of clothes DH had sorted out flying. I ask DH to calm down. DH storms upstairs with the pile of clothes and then gets to the top and throws them down.
I ask him to move them as his parents are due to take DS out and he doesn’t answer me just huffs and goes in the bedroom. At that point I am in tears (this has happened many times before but not for a while and I had hoped it was getting better- stupid me)

The doorbell goes and I am just finishing off making sure Ds has everything. DH walks in and shove DS to the door and yells at his parents “take him for gods sake he is doing my head in” I come up behind him and say “ no it’s you and your temper that are the problem and I am sick of it” (his parents think he can do not wrong but I tired of covering it up)
DH shuts the door goes mad at me and storms upstairs flinging a picture off the wall down the stairs and kicks the wall
After about half an hour I go up and ask him to get up and help me and he says “no” I say please we have so much to do before Christmas and he says “better get on with it then”
At this point I feel broken come downstairs and ring the Samaritans as I just need someone to talk too.
Afterwards I go back up and try to talk to him but he says I am always hen pecking him and I am a huge part of his stress. Again I ask him to help me. He storms out

After about an hour I am not sure when DS is due back so I ring his mum and ask but break down on the phone. MIL said they will be back soon.
By the time they get here DH is back and back in bed upstairs. I say to MiL please talk to him he say I have got to tell everyone he is ill over Christmas, I have so much to do I need his help.
After 20 minutes MIL comes down looks at DS and says “go up and give your dad a cuddle later he needs it”. She then says bye to me sarcastically and her and FIL walks out. FIL said hardly to me the whole time he was here.

After half an hour I go upstairs and again ask for his help. I get told no. When I ask what MIL said he says “unlike you she just asked if I was ok”
I take a deep breath and say please it is Christmas can we just get through it for DS. After 10 minutes of trying to persuade him he comes down.
He goes into the kitchen while I am in the living room and shouts “where is my wedding ring? I said I don’t know. He said he had thrown it down the stairs. I said no I have not seen it but have been tiding up all over. He then says oh it is lost then.

Now I shouldn’t have not done this but I said “oh you don’t sound upset”
There is a huge crash of breaking glass and I just freeze and so does DS. After about 10 seconds I call out “what’s happened”
He comes storming in and again I say “what has happened”
He says “back door window broken”
I walk in the kitchen see one pain of the back door window smashed (luckily double so one paine is still intact)

At this point I grab the phone and ring MiL, DH is trying to stop me but I get through and just say
“He has smashed the back door window, he needs help, he needs help with his temper, I can’t cope with this any more”
DH grabs the phone of me and says “I am coming round mum” he then storms out.

At this point I ring my mum who comes round and she helped me with stuff and we talked things through. She says if I leave I have there full support but if I stay there has got to be a chance for DSs sake and he needs help.

After a few hours she goes and DH comes back and goes straight upstairs. I go up and asked what in-laws had said.
DH says they just want me to be ok and why did you not ask how the window had smashed as it was an accident!!!! I ask how the heck a window ended up smashed by accident but he won’t tell me.
He then said “if I cared I would have called our straight away to see if he was ok”.

As I said earlier in the thread I just froze when it happened and I heard the glass

He then goes on to say again I hen peck him and cause his stress. I get at him and speak to him like a child and I keep pushing until he loses his temper and when he loses it I just keep getting at him.
He then said he wants to drive to the airport and jump on a plane. When I say to him “in that case do you know where your passport is and by the way there is sun cream in the cabinet” he leaps up, packs a bag and says “this was a prime example of me getting at him and hen pecking when he is in a mood”. He then said again the window was an accident and I always think the worse.

I expect I was meant to beg him not to go

And that I were we have left it. I have ended up in bed and him on the sofa. The packed bag ended up just being packed and not going anywhere.

It’s been playing on my mind all night. I think I know what I have to do but I just want to ask for my peace of mind- did I cause any of that?

I though I might get a text for MIL to ask if I am ok but no- nothing.

Just feel numb. Christmas is ruined. I turned to in-laws for help and it has just made things worse

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1090 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
5%
You are NOT being unreasonable
95%
Namenic · 23/12/2019 07:56

I think there are things you can do if you both want to try improving the relationship.

Different people have different standards - of tidiness, of financial security etc. Unless you are financially struggling, could you consider cutting back at work to give a bit more time to helping your relationship? Could you de-clutter the house so that it is easier to keep tidy? It sounds like he is struggling with doing a lot of the housework and working - could you do things to simplify - perhaps have a less packed schedule/simple Christmas which requires little work?

The temper is an issue and it does sound better that you and DS stay away if you feel in danger. However there are things that you can do to reduce the likelihood - like just keeping quiet when he is in a mood and let him calm down. The comment about the passport was unnecessary - let him find it if he needs it. I guess you could go to relationship counselling if both of you want it to work. But do think about your and DS safety first.

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AliceAbsolum · 23/12/2019 07:57

Don't let your child grow up thinking this is OK. Leave.

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knittedgoldfish · 23/12/2019 07:57

@Sushiroller

Think it's quite clear I meant violent to OP or her son. Breaking something in anger is clearly unacceptable but - for me at least - not the same as hitting someone, though usually it is a precursor. My point was that he might not be beyond help but (a) if he is being violent to them then the situation is absolutely too dangerous to maintain and (b) he has to take responsibility for his actions and do it.

People can and do get through anger problems, but its extremely hard work and their family cannot be made to suffer in the interim.

I'm not sure what you find difficult to believe about that.

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Costacoffeeplease · 23/12/2019 07:57

What are you doing staying with him? He’d be gone just for pushing his son and telling his parents to take him away, poor kid

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Molly2016 · 23/12/2019 07:58

Gosh I feel so sad at what your son must be witnessing.
Think about what this is doing to him.
I know it’s not easy to leave. Accepting the relationship is over is hard.
But, this will be having a massive impact on him. He is a child and he is relying on his parents to put him first and protect him.
In your OP and updates you hardly mention how this must be affecting him.

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Isthisit22 · 23/12/2019 08:00

Leave him for your son's sake. You are damaging your son by letting him witness this and think it's OK to shout at, push people and break things in anger.
If your son were to tell school about this they would be forced to tell SS as it is a safeguarding issue.

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selmabear · 23/12/2019 08:05

Why are you still there OP? You can't remain in this relationship, your DH is abusive and controlling. You know you'll have your families full support if you choose to leave. Your DS deserves better, this is not a happy and stable home for him.

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saraclara · 23/12/2019 08:07

Take your son and spend Christmas with your mum. Once Christmas is over, talk to your husband and decide where this is going. Find out why his anger has regressed, and whether he intends to do anything about it and seek help. His answer will tell you what you should do next.

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JumpyLiz · 23/12/2019 08:09

Poor boy in the middle of that shit show.

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pelirocco123 · 23/12/2019 08:20

I am always the last one to say leave....but you dont need anyone's permission to leave a relationship , in fact you dont even need a reason .Dont worry about it being Christmas its only one day , your son wont enjoy Christmas if this carries on anyway....I would suggest you and your son should stay at your parents for the next few days to take any pressure off you
I would cut down contact with in laws for now at least

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CatteStreet · 23/12/2019 08:22

'However there are things that you can do to reduce the likelihood - like just keeping quiet when he is in a mood and let him calm down.'

Jesus Christ, Namenic, so she is supposed to tiptoe round him on eggshells and be responsible for his behaviour? And the poor lamb is 'struggling' with working PT term time and doing the housework, i.e. what women (and men) up and down the country do, and more, without smashing windows in front of their children?

OP, I know from another contet how hard it is to stop accommodating behaviour you have been trained to accept, but if you act you have the power to turn this right around for your child, otherwise he will be damaged, severely.

Take pictures of the damage to the house, take your son to your parents' (who must be beside themselve, frankly) for Christmas, and after Christmas report these incidents to the police and see about getting him out of the house.

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pelirocco123 · 23/12/2019 08:22

00Isthisit22

Leave him for your son's sake. You are damaging your son by letting him witness this and think it's OK to shout at, push people and break things in anger.
If your son were to tell school about this they would be forced to tell SS as it is a safeguarding issue.

One of my grandchildren over her her mother telling us her partner had pinned her down, GD told her teacher , SS were involved

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Skidzer · 23/12/2019 08:22

I don't know why you kept going up to him demanding he help and I don't know why you kept trying to involve his mother.
Other than that, you're an angel.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 23/12/2019 08:25

@Pippa12
Op is DISABLED and due to chronic illness has to be in bed by 8. How the fuck do you think she can just not ask for help?? Crap advice.

@newlifenewme2020
My dh has anger issues. I’m also disabled and chronically ill. I cannot work and he holds down a full time senior job an hours drive away. I also go to bed at 8 and we have no life as a couple. It’s hard and he goes off on one because of stress. Notably he doesn’t break things though. What you are suffering is beyond normal and definitely abuse. I know it’s hard. But you do need to get out of this.

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Skidzer · 23/12/2019 08:26

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UserName31456789 · 23/12/2019 08:27

He is abusive. It's classic. He's not responsible for anything he does because someone else made him annoyed. He expects everyone to tip toe around his moods. You just need to plan how to leave him as soon as possible. His parents are obviously no help so cast them from your mind.

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Rainbowx2 · 23/12/2019 08:28

I was in a relationship similar to this. I think because he didn't hit me I didn't think it was abuse, I was wrong.
Plates flying, doors slamming not talking to me for weeks. My ds was 3 and I thought I cant have him growing up thinking this is normal. So Christmas time I left, which was hard because everywhere are perfect families.
My mum helped me and I never went back, It was hard and i was unsure at times but the freedom i felt was amazing. Putting my son to bed and just having a glass of wine watching tv in peace was great. Please leave there wont ever be a right time.

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HideYourBabiesAndYourBeadwork · 23/12/2019 08:30

Take your son to your parents, don’t wait for your husband to “get help” or sort his shit out. He’s smashed up your house, he’s frightened you and your child. That’s serious damage to you both right there. Next time the damage could be worse. He could physically hurt you both or worse. He is abusive. It’ll only get worse.

His parents, while it’s not their fault he is behaving this way, won’t be helping as their inaction is fuelling his belief he’s in the right. Don’t bother with them again. Call women’s aid for advice and be honest with them. Hope 2020 is a better year for you and your son.

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doublebarrellednurse · 23/12/2019 08:32

Reality check:

Asking someone to be an equal partner is not "nagging"

Making someone scared for asking you to be an equal partner is not acceptable

Doing this in front of your child puts your child at risk

Your husband has 2 enablers in his parents they can look after him if they want

He will hit you eventually.

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Skidzer · 23/12/2019 08:33

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foodandwine89 · 23/12/2019 08:35

This is horrific and scary to read. You are not hard work and he is abusive. You can and should do it on your own. He shouldn't be scaring your son. You need to leave for your son. Otherwise, what are you teaching him? That men shout and threathen and treat women badly and women should say sorry and stop nagging. That women are responsible for men's behaviour. Leave and don't take him back.

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Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/12/2019 08:37

@Skidzer excuse me, are you condoning the husband's behaviour? If you are, you are disgusting.

OP, he is abusive and your mum is talking rubbish. You are doing your DS a disservice by staying in this relationship, not a favour. Please leave.

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doublebarrellednurse · 23/12/2019 08:38

But things now are good, he’s still stroppy but I’ve learnt to leave him, don’t go upstairs to ask for help/try and talk etc as it throws fuel on the fire. Honestly it takes everything you have not to go back and try to ‘sort’ the situation or protest how unreasonable he’s being, but it really won’t help, as frustrating as that is it really will exacerbate the situation.

Does he pat you on the head for being a good girl as well?

So he can throw a tantrum and get out of whatever needs to be done because you need to leave him, or you pause what needs to happen to accommodate his tantrum.

Jesus that would piss me off. My husband has had poor mental health but that is his responsibility to manage and still be an equal partner. It's not my responsibility to bend my life around him when he's unreasonable.

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Sofast · 23/12/2019 08:39

You need to leave this relationship. You're both in the wrong.

His behaviour is unacceptable. It sounds like his mental health is in poor shape. This time of year in particular is stressful. Although tbh I dont know why you kept expecting him to do stuff for you. He said no. People make such a fuss at Christmas time, i do to, I put in tons of effort because I want to, I enjoy it. My husband however isn't in to all the fuss so while he help a bit when it comes to decorations and fancy Christmas extras he doesn't help and I dont mind.

He shouldn't have shouted at your child and you shouldn't have contacted his mum

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Pollyhops · 23/12/2019 08:40

Are you happy for your son to think it’s okay to treat people this way?

You need to think about your son first and leave. When I met my DH he had a few anger issues (when he was accused of doing something he thought was unjustified) He would blow up, rant and rave and throw things. I told him I was leaving and he begged me to help him, he had counselling and had a spell on antidepressants. He wanted to change and did.

Your dh is abusive and it will escalate.

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