Please help, son is considering euthanasia

[DesertOrchid558]

Am i being unreasonable to be angry with my son blaming me for his life's woes?
It may appear to everyone that I'm coping but I'm dying inside.
Without wanting to sound too dramatic, I am coping with a pressurized job, elderly parents & demanding adult children who drain me financially. My son despite all the love, opportunities & support he has been given throughout his life hates all his family for not providing him with car/flat etc. He has gone from job to job & can't settle. He has smoked weed since he was 15 & I did everything in my power to stop him but he tells me he has to smoke it to escape his unhappiness. For years he has gone to a mate's house where the mother allowed them to smoke weed and they all sit around talking about their dreadful lives & wholly inadequate parents & what a raw deal they had growing up, which is, quite frankly, bullshit. ... I've just set him up in an apartment for the third time in 2 years only for him to tell me he has gambled his rent money away (I paid the deposit & am his guarantor, but my partner and I struggle ourselves) because as he says....
*
"What I’m saying to you is do you see how I have no hope to even live a standard life let alone a happier one, so I’m potless now as I’ve tried to free myself from the pressures of my debts, other things and pressures of what I need still for the apartment, I’ve gambled and lost but I had no choice it is impossible for me to maintain just a standard living on my salary and that isn’t enough to save me from depression. "
Then tonight this....

"Would you be willing to pay for my flight to Switzerland and euthanasia? Look on the bright side I wouldn’t ask for anything else. I am being serious though, there is nothing here for me in life to make me happy whether it be people or my own purpose, whether you help me or not I will stride to do it either way, I’ve looked at all avenues and it seems the most appealing one. "
*
Now I am beside myself again. I dare not wake my partner as we already spent 2 hours last night talking about my son until the small hours & he will eventually get sick of it. I've tried everything in my power to help my beloved son for ten years since he first said he was depressed, he's 24 now. He feels hard done by & resents working for a living & feels his wealthy grandparents should have set him up with car, flat etc...he wont speak to them & has told them he won't go to their funerals because they have not been 'supportive ' enough which is totally unjust, I felt so ashamed when he told them that and they are bewildered & hurt.
I was a single mum and both my daughter & I have very strong work ethic & just get on with life and the struggles it brings.
I have an amazingly supportive partner who says I spoilt my son & I need to stop being his safety net but I'm terrified he's going to take his life, to be honest I've been waiting for a police car to pull up outside for the last 5 years with bad news. Maybe I'm catastrophising but I cant move on from these dreadful thoughts because he's talked of suicide for years, but never attempted it.
I feel so guilty as a mother to have not been able to solve his depression.
He has a large group of supportive friends and enjoys socialising with them, but then comes to me full of blame and recriminations when the partying is over.
When I do see him he's incredibly & unspeakably nasty to me, he hasn't said one nice thing to me or helped me through my own difficult times.my feelings for him are getting cold because of how he treats me, it's so incredibly sad.
I'm sorry for this long ramble. I'm at work at 8am & it will be another long, wretchedly tired day from no sleep where I pretend all is ok but the gnawing worry is ever present. Do I ignore his messages or keep trying but failing to help? He refuses point blank to go GP, counselling or Gamblers Anonymous, which I find exasperating. Oh gosh merry Christmas :(

Tell him no. They won't do it anyhow, just because he thinks he has a shit life.

Could this be some sort of bizarre ploy for you to fund some sort of addiction? If he was that serious about Dignitas then he would have done his research and realised that you can't just book yourself an appointment there and have them terminate your life.

He needs to grow up. Why does he think he should be set up for life of the backs of other people’s hard work? What gives him the right to expect that?

He may be depressed but he is also being a manipulative, nasty git. Don’t respond tonight. Try to get some sleep. I think you need to be former with him about what your responsibility to an adult dc is and what his responsibilities to provide for himself are.

Firmer

Tell him no. It s emotional blackmail. Fwiw my son has episodes of severe depression and PTSD and when in the midst of it doesn't even see friends let alone party. He would never speak to me like this.
I m sorry OP it sounds like blackmail to get the easy life.
If you suddenly could buy him a flat and a car and gift him £1m would he be happy?

I agree with pp. this is just a new angle for him to manipulate you. If you were really going to kill yourself he wouldn’t be concerned about the cost of a flight!

I kind of get it. None of us asked to be born, we just get plopped out and we have to deal with life and it feels unfair. But I have bi polar, and I struggle with life. Sadly, suicide clinics only end life if you have a terminal illness.

He sounds completely self centred and selfish he is manipulating you. Let him find out what it would be like without your help. Good luck.

He is a drug addict that is telling you, that unless you keep giving him more and more he will go to dignitas.

It's a manipulation so you keep giving. As pp said, you dont just book in and they do it. He would know that if he waa actually sweooislu considering this.

Your partner is right. You have indulged him for too long. You need to put your doot down for his sake

Giving him everything you can hasnt made any improvements to him. Getting firmer may help. You keep doing the same thing, over and over and expecting a different outcome.

Hes just trying to emotionally black mail you. He clearly hasnt looked into things properly. Places like Dignitas dont euthanise people just because they're pissed off with their parents

Stop pandering to.him. Hes an adult. As pp said if he was genuinely suicidal and not just being manipulative he wouldnt need to go abroad to do it hed just go ahead

This must be heartbreaking and traumatic for you. That old saying: 'You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink,' is true. But when it is your own child who you love so, so very much it is incredibly hard to accept. And the terror of losing him and worrying that he might take his life, is traumatic.

He won't see a counselor or therapist and that's his choice. But do you think it might help you to find a counselor or therapist who specializes in grief and trauma? Your son is hurting you and I think you need support. It sounds like you are becoming depleted and burnt out. Maslow's hierarchy of needs shows that you have to meet your needs first in order to be able to meet the needs of others. As a parent I know how much our love for our kids means we often put our kids needs first and start to neglect our own needs. Our kids should be our priority, however not at the expense of looking after our own health and well-being.

I hope your son sorts himself out and I hope you get the support you need.

Just because he may be depressed, doesn't mean he isn't also abusive and manipulative.
Honestly, I wouldn't even acknowledge his last message. It's manipulative nonsense. His life isn't going to get better until he starts taking responsibility for it and stops smoking weed.
I'd make one final offer to help him access counselling for his depression, gambling and drug problem.
Anything he is rude or ungrateful to you, stop him. Refuse to be spoken to like that, tell him he needs to apologise. You need to start creating boundaries.

He's playing you like a finely tuned violin...time to cut the apron strings.

He's not going to take his own life.

He is exceptionally self absorbed and the weed will be playing a big part in his depression, lack of work ethic and motivation.

Time for some tough love.

You need to stand your ground here. It'll be incredibly tough but you really do. Don't allow him to keep manipulating you, because that is what he is doing. Tough love is required here.

Like others have said Dignitas won't just let him turn up and end his life. They consider euthanasia in some extreme cases of mental illness but that does not apply to your son.

He might be depressed but there is also a very heavy dose of self pity and manipulation going on, he has got exactly the response he wants by terrifying and upsetting you. You don't need to feel guilty for not solving his depression.

As hard as it is you do need to step back and let him look after himself. How long is his lease and are you guarantor for?

What's happening at Christmas, is he going to make the rest of the family miserable?

He has smoked weed since he was 15 & I did everything in my power to stop him but he tells me he has to smoke it to escape his unhappiness

How’s that working out.

He is smoking weed to feel happy but instead is depressed.

I think the basis of all this is the weed.

Have you ever turned round to him and asked what makes him so special that other people should give him a flat and a car.

Why would someone else go out to earn money then give it to him.

Maybe he can’t face reality and the weed has stunted his maturity and he is stuck as a stroppy 15 year old in an aging body

If he was serious about committing suicide he would just do it, there is no need to go to Switzerland. He sounds manipulative user who just sees you as a cash cow. I don't know what has happened to make him this way, but I'm guessing the drugs have played a large part. I know this is hard to hear, but you have to cut the apron strings and let him go. He is not a child anymore, you can't help him, only he can help himself and he will never do that while you are constantly infantilising him and reacting to his every threat. Cut him loose and the rest of your adult children that you say are bleeding you dry. If you don't, it will be you that ends up committing suicide.

to be honest I've been waiting for a police car to pull up outside for the last 5 years with bad news.

To be equally honest, if he is really, truly, genuinely suicidal there’s nothing you can do to stop him ending his life. You can’t be with him 24/7, you can’t provide for his every whim (and not should you), you can’t “fix” his depression.

You can, and need to, set healthy boundaries in your relationship which include not enabling him to maintain his habit. Are you still supporting him financially? Practically? Emotionally? I’d start making that support conditional on him accessing supports and services for his drug/alcohol use and mental health. By which I mean him accessing free services via his GP, local authority addictions teams or one of the 12 Step type groups - not something that’s going to cost you even more time and money. I’d make respectful, courteous communication a starting point, if he can’t hit that base line, I’d not be engaging with him.

As an adult he needs to understand his responsibility for his own choices and decisions - you can keep bailing him out, but he has no need to learn because he isn’t impacted by the consequences of his choices.

I can only imagine how hard it is, but you’ll make yourself ill trying to meet his needs at the expense of your own. I’d echo the suggestion of counselling for yourself even if it just gives you space to talk it all through with someone impartial.

I spoilt my son & I need to stop being his safety net

Your partner is right - but this is your child whom you love and are worried sick about.

I think he has no intention of taking his own life - he is being incredibly cruel and manipulative. if you offered to pay for his flights etc he would NOT go would use it as another stick to beat you with ("You want me dead"). If you don't agree to pay, then he will use THAT as a stick to beat you with ("You don't care how much I am suffering").

He is putting you in a position where you can't win, so that he can bully and manipulate you.

I know this sounds awful (and I don't know if I could do it), but you need - for BOTH your sakes) to put him out of your home and stop enabling his emotionally and financially self-destructive behaviour. Unless and until he has to stand on his own feet, he will never change.

He is a parasite - and he will leech of you(and emotionally abuse you) and when you are dead will do the same to your daughter. Cut him free now.

There is a chance that he will attempt suicide to guilt you into pandering to him - but he won't succeed (except by accident) because that isn't his intention. He doesn't want to end his life - he wants you to feel guilty so that he can continue avoiding his responsibilities as an adult by continuing to take from you.

Please don't let him.

As others have said, Dignitas won't just accept his view of his life - there are very strict regulations they must follow. Tell him you can't and won't facilitate his wishes, that you feel he would be better in another environment as he is obviously unhappy with you, and suggest he moves out of your home (Ill bet he won't).

Be prepared for histrionics - even some physically (self-) destructive behaviour, and behaviour aimed at hurting you specifically. But this is all you can do - for all of your sakes. As Pluck has said above - if he truly wants to end his life, he'll it - nothing you or anyone else can do or say will stop him - but that is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILTY.

It is his. Suicide is a violent and aggressive act - but it takes courage. And I don't think your son has it.

My heart aches for you - you must feel sick with fright and despair, and be blaming yourself for all of this (it's a tendency that parents have), but he's an adult and it's no longer your responsibility. May I ask where his father is in all of this? Why is this on you alone?

Please get help yourself, too. You have tried to help him, but he doesn't want to change his attitude - all you can do now is change yours and let him get on with the course of life he has chosen. Stop enabling this self-pitying idleness - you must be dreadfully unhappy, too.

You deserve better - stop taking care of him, and look after yourself. Let your DP protect and support you for a change until you are strong enough to handle things. You are in dreadful position.

You do have to stop being his safety net. If he calls you and asks you to help him get mental health care or to drive him to a gamblers anonymous meeting, you can do that. But you shouldn’t give him money and you shouldn’t act as his guarantor. He has to come to the realization that his mental health and his fate are in his own hands. I know all of this is easier said than done. The truth is though, that if he harms himself, there is nothing you could have done to prevent it.

Whatever you do please consider getting some counselling/therapy for yourself, op. Having an unrelated objective person to listen would probably be really helpful for you.

I am so sorry, what an awful position you are in.

As your son has expressed suicidal thoughts to you, I would ring his GP surgery/NHS 111 and make them aware. This will hopefully lift some of the mental burden from you, as you have involved a healthcare provider just in case your son tries something. That being said, I agree with PP that he doesn’t sound like he’s at risk of anything other than a severe case of lazy-itis. Conversely I think research has indicated that if someone openly talks about suicide then they are less “at risk” that someone who keeps it all bottled up, as they use the threat to get the attention they are looking for.

I also agree with PP that it is time to look after yourself now. You sound drained and exhausted. I think you should explain to your partner how you feel and ask for their help in establishing boundaries with your son and in putting yourself first. It sounds like they would be very supportive. You are not on your own, so don’t feel you need to struggle through this by yourself! See if you can self-refer to a counsellor in your area as well, as talking to someone who’s outside the situation can be invaluable in getting some perspective and working through those feelings of shame and guilt that you have identified.

Sending you x

Cut him off. He'll never take care of himself if you keep doing it.

Stop pandering to your son. He’s a grown up, and sounds like a master of emotional blackmail.
If he threatens self harm, report it to the police and to his GP. I know it’s hard but you need to make him stand on his own two feet.