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Original poster

Please help, son is considering euthanasia

359 replies

DesertOrchid558 · 23/12/2019 01:31

Am i being unreasonable to be angry with my son blaming me for his life's woes?
It may appear to everyone that I'm coping but I'm dying inside.
Without wanting to sound too dramatic, I am coping with a pressurized job, elderly parents & demanding adult children who drain me financially. My son despite all the love, opportunities & support he has been given throughout his life hates all his family for not providing him with car/flat etc. He has gone from job to job & can't settle. He has smoked weed since he was 15 & I did everything in my power to stop him but he tells me he has to smoke it to escape his unhappiness. For years he has gone to a mate's house where the mother allowed them to smoke weed and they all sit around talking about their dreadful lives & wholly inadequate parents & what a raw deal they had growing up, which is, quite frankly, bullshit. ... I've just set him up in an apartment for the third time in 2 years only for him to tell me he has gambled his rent money away (I paid the deposit & am his guarantor, but my partner and I struggle ourselves) because as he says....
*
"What I’m saying to you is do you see how I have no hope to even live a standard life let alone a happier one, so I’m potless now as I’ve tried to free myself from the pressures of my debts, other things and pressures of what I need still for the apartment, I’ve gambled and lost but I had no choice it is impossible for me to maintain just a standard living on my salary and that isn’t enough to save me from depression. "
Then tonight this....

"Would you be willing to pay for my flight to Switzerland and euthanasia? Look on the bright side I wouldn’t ask for anything else. I am being serious though, there is nothing here for me in life to make me happy whether it be people or my own purpose, whether you help me or not I will stride to do it either way, I’ve looked at all avenues and it seems the most appealing one. "
*
Now I am beside myself again. I dare not wake my partner as we already spent 2 hours last night talking about my son until the small hours & he will eventually get sick of it. I've tried everything in my power to help my beloved son for ten years since he first said he was depressed, he's 24 now. He feels hard done by & resents working for a living & feels his wealthy grandparents should have set him up with car, flat etc...he wont speak to them & has told them he won't go to their funerals because they have not been 'supportive ' enough which is totally unjust, I felt so ashamed when he told them that and they are bewildered & hurt.
I was a single mum and both my daughter & I have very strong work ethic & just get on with life and the struggles it brings.
I have an amazingly supportive partner who says I spoilt my son & I need to stop being his safety net but I'm terrified he's going to take his life, to be honest I've been waiting for a police car to pull up outside for the last 5 years with bad news. Maybe I'm catastrophising but I cant move on from these dreadful thoughts because he's talked of suicide for years, but never attempted it.
I feel so guilty as a mother to have not been able to solve his depression.
He has a large group of supportive friends and enjoys socialising with them, but then comes to me full of blame and recriminations when the partying is over.
When I do see him he's incredibly & unspeakably nasty to me, he hasn't said one nice thing to me or helped me through my own difficult times.my feelings for him are getting cold because of how he treats me, it's so incredibly sad.
I'm sorry for this long ramble. I'm at work at 8am & it will be another long, wretchedly tired day from no sleep where I pretend all is ok but the gnawing worry is ever present. Do I ignore his messages or keep trying but failing to help? He refuses point blank to go GP, counselling or Gamblers Anonymous, which I find exasperating. Oh gosh merry Christmas :(

OP posts:
IdblowJonSnow · 23/12/2019 07:38

Sounds heart breaking. Agree you need support. He needs to grow up and fast.
Hes still 24, plenty of time to turn his life around but he needs to make some big changes and get off the weed. You cant make him but do stop finding him.

TreeSwayer · 23/12/2019 07:39

I think is one of the best videos, short, and to the point. Smoking weed from 15 prevents you from learning to deal with stuff. This video tells you what happens when you do smoke it.

Bottom line, he needs to stop acting like a teenager, get a job, keep it, stop smoking weed.

B0bbin · 23/12/2019 07:40

Depression is a terrible illness. He needs to get proper help for it and smoking weed over a number of years won't have helped, as it was an escape from reality and can make some people feel more depressed. He's got to give it some time and get himself better. It's like he's stuck in that 'the whole world is against me' 15 year old stage... I'm sorry you're going through thisFlowers
Can he go for some counselling and gp for meds?

ElluesPichulobu · 23/12/2019 07:43

he is not considering euthanasia and in any case none of the countries where it is legal will perform it for a foreign 24yo drug addict with depression.

your financial support is enabling him to continue his drug taking and avoid tackling his depression or accepting the reality that life simply never is all nice and fun.

these last two are two separate phenomena. depression is a genuine illness, a chemical imbalance in the brain which makes it impossible to think positively. this needs proper treatment. he can't just snap out of it.

however separately he does have a belief that he is entitled to exemption from the normal human condition that life is mainly hard work, punctuated by occasional moments of joy and satisfaction.

pinkprosseco · 23/12/2019 07:46

I really feel for you OP. But sometimes you have to let go. Doesn't sound as if you can do anymore than you have done for him. You've tried your best, he's an adult and needs to own any decisions he makes. Stop any financial support and respond with 'I will always love you and want you to be happy but you are responsible for your destiny not me' or something like that every time he texts. Good luck

spingly · 23/12/2019 07:46

Heartbreaking for you, but he is manipulating you.

DowntownAbby · 23/12/2019 07:53

Why have you continually bailed him out?

Setting him up in an apartment "for the third time in 2 years" is just ridiculous. You're enabling his shit behaviour and attitude.

You know he constantly takes drugs and gambles and yet there you are throwing money at him.

Absolutely stupid!

eddielizzard · 23/12/2019 08:01

I think he hasn't taken responsibility for anything in his life as you've always been there to bail him out. You have to stop otherwise this dynamic isn't going to change. You can't be his therapist and his bank.

TheFuckingDogs · 23/12/2019 08:04

Do you have a parents/carers addiction support group in your local area? A local drugs service would probably know - then you can develop a support network for you with people in similar situations. You can’t make your son do anything but this support could help you and makes you feel like you’re not burdening you’re other loved ones. Also there will probably be some very practical advice regarding ways to deal with adult child with various addictions/mental health issues.
I am aware these groups are very few and far between sadly nowadays Confused

Craftylittlething · 23/12/2019 08:04

I lived with a man like your son in my early 20s, his mother did everything for him. He has never had to grow up, fight for anything or make his own way in life and is now a bit sad and pathetic middle aged mummies boy. Honestly you are enabling this behaviour and if you don’t stop neither will he- not ever.

CatteStreet · 23/12/2019 08:07

This thread is an object lesson in why legalising weed would be a really, really bad idea. Far too many people still think it's essentially harmless.

Your son clearly has significant MH problems, but giving in to his manipulation is not their cure. The Dignitas talk (and as PP have said, they wouldn't touch him) is a common or garden manipulative suicide threat couched in terms he believes are shocking.

Look at it like this: enabling and bailing him out haven't helped so far, so even if it were the 'right' thing to do, it's not working.

leckford · 23/12/2019 08:12

My brother was the same, drugs and a belief our poor dad should finance his desired lifestyle. Bullied and abused our dad, assisted by his evil wife who wanted the lifestyle but not to work. Brother now dead from drugs.

Remove him from your life, otherwise he will still be sponging of you when you are 70.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 23/12/2019 08:13

(Don't say any of this to him but...) He sounds like a right little drama queen. Of course you wont pay for him to go to Switzerland, and of course they wouldn't do anything to him if you did. They don't just kill anyone who rocks up and asks! He doesn't have a terminal illness, he is not at the end of life, he is not incapacitated, he is not in physical pain, he has no grounds for euthanasia at all. He is unhappy, and he wants you to feel unhappy as well because you are his Mum. That's very childish and immature of him.

You say that he refuses to get counselling. Well, it would be very good for you to get some counselling yourself, to support you through dealing with this very difficult situation. It would help to stop you catastrophising, and the calmer you can stay, the better for your DS. Counselling will help you get some emotional distance, and you both need that, so that he stops relying on yanking your chain and starts to build up his own maturity and independence. Flowers

Skyejuly · 23/12/2019 08:16

Sending love and strength.

FizzyIce · 23/12/2019 08:16

Sounds like emotional blackmail, he knows you’d never pay for that and that they wouldn’t do it anyway.
He needs to grow up ,take accountability and stop smoking crap,that’s why his mental health has declined !
He needs to stop making excuses and you need to tell him so

PurpleFlower1983 · 23/12/2019 08:22

Honestly, he sounds like my ex - a manipulative, abusive man child. Just say no, don’t believe everything he tells you. He needs to grow up.

Costacoffeeplease · 23/12/2019 08:32

He’s a nasty little shit isn’t he? Time to cut the apron strings and let him get on with it

everythingthelighttouches · 23/12/2019 08:35

I’m so sorry OP. This sounds very difficult. Of course you can’t see the wood for the trees here because he is your son.
Imagine someone told you all this about their husband... I bet you would be able to clearly see the issues, the manipulation and how you are clearly in the “FOG “ (google fear, obligation, guilt)
Sending you strength.

Mary1935 · 23/12/2019 08:35

If he wanted to die then he could pop to boots and buy painkillers.
He is manipulating you. Look up FOG - fear obligation and guilt. Also look up CODA - you have a co dependent relationship which isn’t healthy.
You do need to separate from him. He is a noose around your neck.
Your partner has been very supportive and understanding.

I understand the stress and responsibility you feel.
You need to start giving responsibility back to him.
No job? No money from you? Chooses to spend money on his addiction?
No money from you - you are just feeding it.
Weed does make you depressed and paranoid.
HE needs to make choices and seek help.
Try and enjoy Christmas.

backaftera2yearbreak · 23/12/2019 08:37

This sounds like both of my younger brothers. Both weed smokers for years. Don’t want to work for the “man” and pay taxes. One does work only because his girlfriend would put him out otherwise. The other one is like your son in that he sits around moping all day about how bad his life is then threatens my mum she won’t see her grandson anymore and my poor mum was in tears. She needs to put him out as he has loved with her rent free for years but she won’t. I think your son is trying it on. Tell him him you support whatever choices he will make but you won’t be paying for them.

ThighThighOfthigh · 23/12/2019 08:40

I'm going through some of the same with my son. I pay for his counselling (directly to therapist) buy him basic groceries and put money on his gas card (directly). I know it's too much and I have told him i will do it for 3 more months. It used to be far worse financially.

I decided to do that so that I could say (to myself too) he's fed, warm and has a therapist.

MitziK · 23/12/2019 08:42

He's not considering euthanasia.

He's stepping up the histrionics and abuse to get more money out of you.

Bobbybobbins · 23/12/2019 08:44

Oh OP what a difficult situation. Done good advice on this thread. I would echo others :

-Phone GP and/or Samaritans to peak to them about your son's references to suicide

-Get counselling sorted for yourself

-Speak to your son and start setting boundaries, eg 'I will be guarantor on your flat for 3 more months but in that time if you do not pay the rent because you have gambled it away then I will not guarantee you beyond that.' That way you are giving your on the power to make a decision about what he will do and how he will respond.

Bobbybobbins · 23/12/2019 08:45

Sorry so many spelling mistakes Blush

DelphiniumBlue · 23/12/2019 08:48

He's clearly got sufficient connections to sort himself a drug overdose without flying to Switzerland, he's being a bit overdramatic and thinks he's found a new way to get money out of you and make you feel bad.
Has he been for counselling? Why do you think he feels so hard done by?
You've tried to help by setting him up in a flat, why is he so scared of working/providing for himself?
Maybe you can dig deeper and help him deal with issues that cause the behavior, or maybe you've reached the end of what you can do. Get him to the G P to find what mental health help they can offer, because what he's doing is clearly a perceived failure tobe able function on his part.