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Original poster

Please help, son is considering euthanasia

359 replies

DesertOrchid558 · 23/12/2019 01:31

Am i being unreasonable to be angry with my son blaming me for his life's woes?
It may appear to everyone that I'm coping but I'm dying inside.
Without wanting to sound too dramatic, I am coping with a pressurized job, elderly parents & demanding adult children who drain me financially. My son despite all the love, opportunities & support he has been given throughout his life hates all his family for not providing him with car/flat etc. He has gone from job to job & can't settle. He has smoked weed since he was 15 & I did everything in my power to stop him but he tells me he has to smoke it to escape his unhappiness. For years he has gone to a mate's house where the mother allowed them to smoke weed and they all sit around talking about their dreadful lives & wholly inadequate parents & what a raw deal they had growing up, which is, quite frankly, bullshit. ... I've just set him up in an apartment for the third time in 2 years only for him to tell me he has gambled his rent money away (I paid the deposit & am his guarantor, but my partner and I struggle ourselves) because as he says....
*
"What I’m saying to you is do you see how I have no hope to even live a standard life let alone a happier one, so I’m potless now as I’ve tried to free myself from the pressures of my debts, other things and pressures of what I need still for the apartment, I’ve gambled and lost but I had no choice it is impossible for me to maintain just a standard living on my salary and that isn’t enough to save me from depression. "
Then tonight this....

"Would you be willing to pay for my flight to Switzerland and euthanasia? Look on the bright side I wouldn’t ask for anything else. I am being serious though, there is nothing here for me in life to make me happy whether it be people or my own purpose, whether you help me or not I will stride to do it either way, I’ve looked at all avenues and it seems the most appealing one. "
*
Now I am beside myself again. I dare not wake my partner as we already spent 2 hours last night talking about my son until the small hours & he will eventually get sick of it. I've tried everything in my power to help my beloved son for ten years since he first said he was depressed, he's 24 now. He feels hard done by & resents working for a living & feels his wealthy grandparents should have set him up with car, flat etc...he wont speak to them & has told them he won't go to their funerals because they have not been 'supportive ' enough which is totally unjust, I felt so ashamed when he told them that and they are bewildered & hurt.
I was a single mum and both my daughter & I have very strong work ethic & just get on with life and the struggles it brings.
I have an amazingly supportive partner who says I spoilt my son & I need to stop being his safety net but I'm terrified he's going to take his life, to be honest I've been waiting for a police car to pull up outside for the last 5 years with bad news. Maybe I'm catastrophising but I cant move on from these dreadful thoughts because he's talked of suicide for years, but never attempted it.
I feel so guilty as a mother to have not been able to solve his depression.
He has a large group of supportive friends and enjoys socialising with them, but then comes to me full of blame and recriminations when the partying is over.
When I do see him he's incredibly & unspeakably nasty to me, he hasn't said one nice thing to me or helped me through my own difficult times.my feelings for him are getting cold because of how he treats me, it's so incredibly sad.
I'm sorry for this long ramble. I'm at work at 8am & it will be another long, wretchedly tired day from no sleep where I pretend all is ok but the gnawing worry is ever present. Do I ignore his messages or keep trying but failing to help? He refuses point blank to go GP, counselling or Gamblers Anonymous, which I find exasperating. Oh gosh merry Christmas :(

OP posts:
FenellaMaxwell · 23/12/2019 04:45

He doesn’t remotely want to be euthanised, he wants money and for you to carry on pandering to him. Time to draw the line OP.

slipperywhensparticus · 23/12/2019 04:53

Tell the landlord to evict him you wont be guarantor for his next place assure landlord if he evicted him you will be responsible for the shortfall as per your legal agreement but not if he just stays there and landlord does nothing

Apolloanddaphne · 23/12/2019 04:54

I think it is time for some tough love. I think for your own sanity you have to accept he is an adult and can do with his life what he pleases BUT you do not have to be a part of this. Tell him clearly that you will no longer be giving him any money and will not be manipulated by his use of emotional blackmail. Let him know you love him very much but you are not responsible for his choices as an adult. I know this will be difficult but I don't think you have any choice. He has to sink or swim by himself. I am very sorry you are going through this.

Sleepysundown · 23/12/2019 05:06

It’s funny but my ex used to say that the money/car/house/hotels/coffee I kept him in was the only thing keeping him alive.

When I eventually ended it all to protect the kids as I couldn’t give any more. Yes got a job and is still surviving.

I think it was here that I read someone saying that being deprived of their rock bottom made their eventual recovery longer.

Don’t deprive him of his rock bottom, the safety net you are holding isn’t helping. It’s going to be very hard but cut him off. Suiicides tend to be silent things, I think he’ll find his own path to recovery.

Coughgate · 23/12/2019 05:07

Poor you!! It's horrible when you post on here and people say harsh stuff about your loved ones but he sounds horrible! What a life he has gave you!! He needs counselling and a kick up the arse and to stop smoking weed because that won't help his mental state. Really feel for you

Geog1985 · 23/12/2019 05:08

Tough love required.

He’s had chance after chance and has blown them all. I think sit him down and explain that why you love him, his actions are having profound impacts on you and others in your family and therefore you are cutting him off.

Put simply, OP, he’s a brat and acts like this because you have spoiled him for years. Not pussyfooting around now, stay strong for your mental wellbeing. He won’t commit suicide, it’s a classic threat for attention and you are continuing to give him it.

Stay strong. Flowers

AugustFalls · 23/12/2019 05:12

The stigma against the mentally ill is still alive and kicking on mumsnet.

I actually think this comment reveals more about your stigma around MH, as you are perpetrating the stigma that his MH is the reason for him being nasty and vindictive and therefore people should not call out shitty behaviour. MH issues and personality are not mutually exclusive.

TheSerenDipitY · 23/12/2019 05:12

this is an attention grab and you are falling right into his trap, he will threaten dying and you will give him whatever he wants... time to say NO and say it every single time NO, no, NO! he is a spoilt little shit who needs to learn that the world doesnt think hes a little prince entitled to whatever he wants, that the world doesnt give a shit, if he wants something he needs to earn it himself.... say NO! he needs to learn

AugustFalls · 23/12/2019 05:19

OP, first thing - I think you should call his GP or possibly even emergency services if you are really concerned. Whilst it appears he is trying to manipulate you, suicide ideation should be taken seriously. I think how he responds to services (I.e, whether he engages and sends them away) will be quite telling about whether this is a serious cry for help or just another manipulative ploy to hurt you.

If he refuses support then you disengage completely. This is going to be hard but he’s not going to get better when he feels there’s someone out there who will excuse and enable his behaviour.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/12/2019 05:24

Do you think he really wants to be euthanized? I'd agree with PP that's it's more likely an attempt at manipulation of the OP.

Do you really want to gamble with a young man’s life by withholding from him the benefit of the doubt? What if the OP took all this advice called him any of the nasty names he’s been called here, took the advice to tell him ”to fuck off and get on with it [suicide] then” and he goes and kills himself? How do you think the OPs life will be then?
We are talking about someone’s life here. And men are at 3x the risk of suicide compared to women. Such soothsaying, oh he’s not serious, tell him to fuck off and top himself is wildly irresponsible advice.

AugustFalls · 23/12/2019 05:25

Suicides tend to be silent things

I just want to call highlight this to any MN readers - this is absolutely not true. There’s a pervading myth that if someone mentions suicide, they won’t do it. It is definitely not the case - it’s more typical someone will mention suicide ideation as a final plea for help and ignoring it is dangerous.

I don’t want to worry you, OP, as your son’s other behaviours and the constant threats over many years are suggesting this is a manipulative act to get you to bend to his will but especially to other MN users - always take it seriously in the first instance.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/12/2019 05:28

Augustfalls
I actually think this comment reveals more about your stigma around MH, as you are perpetrating the stigma that his MH is the reason for him being nasty and vindictive and therefore people should not call out shitty behaviour. MH issues and personality are not mutually exclusive.

You are wrong. I am a schizophrenic so I actually experience stigma every day so I know it when I see it. Nice try at deflecting it. I suppose you’re a psychic and know for a fact this young man is not mentally ill?

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/12/2019 05:33

other behaviours and the constant threats over many years are suggesting this is a manipulative act

Or he’s been in a downward spiral for many years of depression and self medication leading to addiction such that he is at rock bottom now planning suicide.

The actions fit both scenarios. But since we are talking about a human beings life, is it not better to proceed with caution and get them to a MH professional?

AugustFalls · 23/12/2019 05:37

PlanDeRaccordement

I actually quite clearly said that personality and MH are not mutually exclusive (he can have a MH condition and be a nasty person). In fact, if you read any of the rest of the post I’m actually suggesting OP does take it seriously. Hmm

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/12/2019 05:42

Yes August you have written some good advice that I do agree with. Especially your post about suicides and silence.
I have only commented on what you wrote that I did not agree with. I am sorry for being too one sided because you have written good things too.

steff13 · 23/12/2019 05:44

Do you really want to gamble with a young man’s life by withholding from him the benefit of the doubt?

So, the OP just has to allow him to emotionally blackmail her for the rest of her life, on the chance that he's actually suicidal?

Tetran · 23/12/2019 05:45

Obviously you know him best, but what I will say is my brother is exactly the same. He is now mid-30s and still regularly says to my parents I'll do x if you don't give me money for y. They are retired and can't afford it, he says it to emotionally blackmail them into giving him money for drugs, it is disgusting. I agree with others that jumping to MH when someone is like this is actually stigmatising MH. He might have issues and need support, it just sounds awfully familiar and I feel for you. There is no easy answer, though if he thinks his life is crap and he resents you for not magicing Money for a flat etc, then why doesn't he just break you out of his life? Clue, it's probably to try and guilt you into paying.

3dogs2cats · 23/12/2019 05:46

I had someone like this in my life. The anguish it caused was unbearable, I dreaded going to sleep because I did not know what I would wake up to. The demands for help, the blame, the sense of guilt were terrible. My narc is an alcoholic, and a bottomless pit of demands. I was fleeced , emotionally and financially drained, but a if a message wasn’t answered immediately the suicide threat or attempt would follow. I was at the very edge of reason. Mine then went so far too far that something shifted in me. I was able to block them and let go. They are still alive, but if they were not, that would not be my fault. And with the benefit of hindsight I can see how hard I tried to help, and how often that help actually facilitated their issues.
Dignitas is for people physically unable to end their lives, this is blatant blackmail, and it is despicable, let this be your moment and reclaim your life.

Tetran · 23/12/2019 05:49

To add, he has been to rehab, he has been under the care of the mental health team, and he has had every opportunity to help himself. He gets enough money to pay the bills and eat, but he squanders it and they pay for everything. Try and get him to a MH professional, especially as he is saying he is suicidal, a) because it's a gamble with a life and b) he might realise the impact of his words.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/12/2019 05:50

Do you really want to gamble with a young man’s life by withholding from him the benefit of the doubt?

So, the OP just has to allow him to emotionally blackmail her for the rest of her life, on the chance that he's actually suicidal?

No steff, if you’d read my entire post(s) you’d see that at least three times I have said the OP needs to get him professional psychiatric help. I mentioned dialling 111, requesting a crisis team. Etc.

KatherineJaneway · 23/12/2019 05:51

He isn't considering euthanasia. This is just another ploy to get money from you. I suggest you cut the apron strings so he has to stand on his own two feet. Won't be easy but you have to stop finding his lifestyle and indulging him. Your dp has the measure of your son. You will lose a lot more than your son if you don't change this dynamic.

Good luck Flowers

steff13 · 23/12/2019 05:53

No steff, if you’d read my entire post(s) you’d see that at least three times I have said the OP needs to get him professional psychiatric help. I mentioned dialling 111, requesting a crisis team. Etc.

None of that was in the post I responded to.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/12/2019 05:57

Ok, Steff. Not my fault you haven’t read the whole thread. Maybe do that before asking goady questions?

Firstawake · 23/12/2019 05:57

You have let him make his own way now, he is killing you and you will all lose if this does not stop now.
Take control, it's beyond broken, you can't fix it. Flowers

CupoTeap · 23/12/2019 06:04

What a horrible, exhausting life you must have with him.

Facts;

  • he's not getting on a plane to get himself euthanised
  • he says things to get you to do what he wants and over the years has had to raise the levels
  • he is an adult
  • he has had more help than many people do
  • he has a selfish, bad attitude
  • you need to see a counsellor
  • what you've been doing isn't change anything because you can't change him
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