Please help, son is considering euthanasia

[DesertOrchid558]

Am i being unreasonable to be angry with my son blaming me for his life's woes?
It may appear to everyone that I'm coping but I'm dying inside.
Without wanting to sound too dramatic, I am coping with a pressurized job, elderly parents & demanding adult children who drain me financially. My son despite all the love, opportunities & support he has been given throughout his life hates all his family for not providing him with car/flat etc. He has gone from job to job & can't settle. He has smoked weed since he was 15 & I did everything in my power to stop him but he tells me he has to smoke it to escape his unhappiness. For years he has gone to a mate's house where the mother allowed them to smoke weed and they all sit around talking about their dreadful lives & wholly inadequate parents & what a raw deal they had growing up, which is, quite frankly, bullshit. ... I've just set him up in an apartment for the third time in 2 years only for him to tell me he has gambled his rent money away (I paid the deposit & am his guarantor, but my partner and I struggle ourselves) because as he says....
*
"What I’m saying to you is do you see how I have no hope to even live a standard life let alone a happier one, so I’m potless now as I’ve tried to free myself from the pressures of my debts, other things and pressures of what I need still for the apartment, I’ve gambled and lost but I had no choice it is impossible for me to maintain just a standard living on my salary and that isn’t enough to save me from depression. "
Then tonight this....

"Would you be willing to pay for my flight to Switzerland and euthanasia? Look on the bright side I wouldn’t ask for anything else. I am being serious though, there is nothing here for me in life to make me happy whether it be people or my own purpose, whether you help me or not I will stride to do it either way, I’ve looked at all avenues and it seems the most appealing one. "
*
Now I am beside myself again. I dare not wake my partner as we already spent 2 hours last night talking about my son until the small hours & he will eventually get sick of it. I've tried everything in my power to help my beloved son for ten years since he first said he was depressed, he's 24 now. He feels hard done by & resents working for a living & feels his wealthy grandparents should have set him up with car, flat etc...he wont speak to them & has told them he won't go to their funerals because they have not been 'supportive ' enough which is totally unjust, I felt so ashamed when he told them that and they are bewildered & hurt.
I was a single mum and both my daughter & I have very strong work ethic & just get on with life and the struggles it brings.
I have an amazingly supportive partner who says I spoilt my son & I need to stop being his safety net but I'm terrified he's going to take his life, to be honest I've been waiting for a police car to pull up outside for the last 5 years with bad news. Maybe I'm catastrophising but I cant move on from these dreadful thoughts because he's talked of suicide for years, but never attempted it.
I feel so guilty as a mother to have not been able to solve his depression.
He has a large group of supportive friends and enjoys socialising with them, but then comes to me full of blame and recriminations when the partying is over.
When I do see him he's incredibly & unspeakably nasty to me, he hasn't said one nice thing to me or helped me through my own difficult times.my feelings for him are getting cold because of how he treats me, it's so incredibly sad.
I'm sorry for this long ramble. I'm at work at 8am & it will be another long, wretchedly tired day from no sleep where I pretend all is ok but the gnawing worry is ever present. Do I ignore his messages or keep trying but failing to help? He refuses point blank to go GP, counselling or Gamblers Anonymous, which I find exasperating. Oh gosh merry Christmas :(

Stand firm.

Everything you've done up to now you thought was helping him , but infact it was actually making him worse.

Maybe his father can take on some of the pressure instead.

I think you need to start putting yourself and the rest of the family first instead of him.
Don't be surprised if you get dramatic texts over New Year from him but understand we can't make someone change, we can support them if they try to help themselves but we can't do it for them.

Stop letting him make you feel guilty because you can't wave a magic wand.

Skunk weed woes...
Tell him No. He's manipulating you. & Stop supporting him you're doing neither him or yourself any favours here. He's not a child. He's lazy, and over-indulged. I also think counselling for yourself is a good idea

Last time I did see him he taunted me that he was going to give up his job & grow weed...
I feel like running away sad

Your son is a bully. Stop thinking about running away to protect yourself from his tyranny and tell him to stay away from you instead. Every day will be difficult but you will have taken back control and from that you'll also have some peace of heart and mind.

What do you think of going to the support groups suggested op?

He is a manipulative bully. I am glad you are making a stand.
You wouldn't put up with it from your DH.
My friends DM is having similar issues with her Dbro he is 29, my friend said he has ruined their life forever, one bad apple slowly killing her DM.

Last time I did see him he taunted me that he was going to give up his job & grow weed...
I feel like running away sad(

You are an adult, you know the risks you are taking if you choose to grow and sell cannabis would be a good response here.

I'm very glad you have decided to take a firmer approach with him going forward.

Well done on standing firm, and onwards and upwards for 2020.

I agree he’ll probably have a tantrum when he realises you are no longer giving in, so be prepared for that - either verbal abuse, text etc but stay firm. No more money!

My friend was telling me how they've given their son £5000 this year alone, he doesn't work has a baby and his mum feels sorry for him. The dad has had enough and says no more. This caused a massive argument and they've all fallen out. But in a way they've brought it on themselves they've been enabling his behaviour for years so he's not just suddenly going to say 'yes that's fine stop giving me all your hard earned money now'

I just don't get why parents give money to their fully grown, perfectly healthy and capable of working but don't bother because bank of mum and dad will look after them.

Stay strong OP or you are in for years and years of this.

I just don't get why parents give money to their fully grown, perfectly healthy and capable of working but don't bother because bank of mum and dad will look after them
I don't believe adults DC who behave this way are not perfectly healthy or neuro typical. Though agree OP should stand firm, unfortunately parents can't fix this situation it doesn't stop them trying though while it tears the family apart, lots of families have a similar sibling, the black sheep if you like. He has to sort his own life out, face whatever his issues are, he needs to get off the weed, use proper medication to deal with his MH issues.
You can't do any of this for him OP.
He won't help himself unless there is nobody else to help. Stop helping let him get up on his feet himself.

I would just like to add an alternative perspective just because I think a lot of people don't understand what it's like to have a relative who says they're suicidal. Or what it can mean.

My DM had profound mental health problems, and in a very difficult part of her life frequently talked about killing herself with detailed plans etc. On one occasion my cousin did as some have advised and called the police on her as she was so concerned. She promptly cut off the cousin saying she'd make sure not to tell anyone next time she planned to do it.

I spent a lot of time, effort and money trying to make her happier and give her advice to get herself in s better position. She appreciated it in some ways but would also refuse some help and ignored all advice as it interfered with her self destructive behaviours and her drinking. It was exhausting and miserable,and once I had a smallchild I found I was on the edge of my last nerve dealing with her as I practically couldn't be there as much as I used to.

The standard line from family and friends was that the suicidal ideation was an attention seeking device, and that "if she was going to do it she'd have done it by now". So for my own mental health I drew my boundaries and took a step back from supporting her, focusing on my own life and on my baby. I felt much better.

Without warning she killed herself has summer.

I cannot tell you about the grief and guilt this caused and the mental health problems I am only just starting to feel the full force of. It is devastating to know that you consciously withdrew support from someone who then couldn't go on without it. All the rationalising in the world can't really ease the pain. Because maybe I couldn't have helped but I know I didn't try as hard as I could have.

So people shouldn't be so blithe telling the OP to sack him off. She will be the one who has to live with the potential consequences, not you.

@VeniceQueen2004 was your mum abusive though? From your description she was very ill, and talked about killing herself which must have been very upsetting and draining so I don't blame you for pulling back, it's totally understandable.

You don't however say anywhere that she was manipulative, severely abusive, sneering, intensely selfish and self-serving - all of which are behaviours that ops son is directing toward her. She's quite right to cut him off materially as it's enabling his terrible behaviour and cushioning him from hitting his rock bottom - which he needs to do to want to change. She can still love him and encourage him and provide support, which she's doing, offering to pay for a counsellor.

So the two situations are not comparable.

Sorry but he sounds so entitled. He's blackmailing his own mother. That's absolutely awful.
I think you need to take a step back and detach yourself a little, otherwise eventually it will start having negative effects on your relationships with other people. It's hard as he is your son but you cannot live your life under his hold. Your other children must be so worried about you and surely angry with him and the pressure he's putting on you. He clearly has no respect for you and that's disgusting. Cut the apron strings, don't fund his life any further. As someone else said maybe get yourself some counselling to deal with your feelings.

@paintedfences you're quite right, but once someone is dead unless you are of an extremely rational turn of mind being right will be of absolutely no comfort whatsoever.

And frankly I think putting your mental illness onto your children is a form of abuse. Not intentional abuse but certainly comes under the heading of neglect, particularly where the child is forced to assume a caring role from a young age.

Venice - sorry for your loss. It sounds like you did lots for your dm and gave her lots of support. She was responsible for her actions, not you. It sounds like you gave her lots of opportunities to get help, but she refused that help. Concentrate on your own wellbeing going forward, as well as your little one.

Venice.. I'm sorry to read that. I do agree with what you are saying. It's a tough situation because the OP son is going to run his mother into the ground and that's not fair.

OP needs to think about other children too. Are they suffering in silence with something because they feel they can't go to their mum for support because shes too tied up with the son. The whole situation is unfair and difficult.

OP, he needs help you cannot give him. All you will do is enable him and destroy yourself.

You can't stop him killing himself. You can alert authorities he is a danger to himself.

Concentrate on your younger children and be kind to yourself.

If you go low to no contact he won't have an audience. You are not equipped to help him, he will drag you under with him.

I know you love him. Letting him destroy you is not the way to prove it. Promise to be there for him if he gets sober and gets his shit together. That's love.

Without being too outing, my parents supported my brother financially and emotionally until he died a couple of years ago aged 36 from bowel cancer. He wasn't ever really capable of looking after himself properly, despite having had an amazing upbringing with great educational and personal opportunities, a comfortable middle class home, and two very loving adoptive parents. He was a prolific weed smoker from aged 11 though, which is why he was very similar to the OP's son. I believe the weed exacerbated his lack of motivation, inability to work and support himself, and bad lifestyle choices. Ultimately my parents felt that they couldn't leave him to fend for himself as he literally wasn't capable of it, despite being very intelligent. He too was aggressive, angry and manipulative, and could be very ungrateful at times. I often wonder whether the consequences of my parents' mollycoddling meant he never really grew up properly. But the alternative could have been a life of being jobless and homeless with no prospects for improving at all. It was quite sad and something that I often think about at night. I wonder how his life might have been if he'd not been so depressed, smoked so much weed, and stood on his own two feet more.

What professional support did he get for his mental health issues as a teenager?

I feel like printing off this thread and presenting it as evidence against legalisation of cannabis.

You sound sadly naive OP. I would say sorry that's how you feel, I've bought your flight, paid clinic in advance, no refunds, off you go. But you are far kinder than I. For everyone's sake, stop funding him.

NooNooHead - I think you may underestimate the trauma that some adopted children carry - however nice their adoptive parents are.

I know an adopted child with a similar profile - except he also has schizophrenia.

I think you need to cut him off, if just temporarily. He needs to be away from all of you to see and realise how much you all actually do for him.
With regards to suicide, most people who commit suicide never speak of it before before hand. The fact he threatens it often shows he's using it as a weapon to try and get something out of you. He is blaming every body else for the way his life is turning out.

@VeniceQueen2004 @NooNooHead